Self esteem & self confidance

Hello everyone!

So here's my story in a nutshell......

Overweight my whole life (I'm 34). At my heaviest got up to 265 (and I'm barely 5'2"). Got lap band in January of '07. Was super motivated to lose 100 lbs by my year anniversary and did! The next year really struggled with ENDLESS plateaus and yo-yo weight gain/loss. Now, I'm getting re-focused and have re-dedicated myself to eating healthier and working out consistently (again). Since Feb of this year, lost 18.6 lbs and kept it off.

At my heaviest, I wore a 22/24 (sometimes got up to 26/28, depending on the cut ---button up shirts and pants without stretch or elastic were my worse foes :-( I am now down to 10/12s (again, depending on the cut/style) and can wear size L (on rare occasions, I can wear Ms!). I would like to lose another 30-35 lbs.

But I struggle CONSTANTLY with my looks. I have love handles that I can't seem to get rid of (although I can admit they have shrunk!), my inner thighs are still huge and jiggly, as are my triceps. And I still have a lot fat around my belly. I am obsessed with Spanx (the long ones that slim your thighs & flatten out your tummy) and what my boyfriend calls "suck in the gut underwear". I wear either garmet underneath my clothes pretty much everyday. I love how it creates the illusion of the flat stomach and leaner thighs.

I have a wonderful and supportive boyfriend. We actually met at the gym (in spin class no less!) while on my weight loss journey. I wore a size 18 on our first date and he was with me when I finally fit into my size 10 Old Navy Jeans. He loves me unconditionally and tells me on a daily basis how beatiful I am but I can't say I feel the same way about myself. He's never had a weight problem so I feel he truly cannot understand how I feel and what I am going through.

I have great friends who are also supportive and have even more wonderful "gym" friends who have watched my transformation and comment on my accomplishments.

And this may sound really dramatic, but I feel abnormal. I feel unattractive and sometimes, for lack of a better term, I feel gross and disgusted with myself. A really good friend of mine tells me she is concerned that I will never be happy with myself, even if I get to my goal weight (my boyfriend tends to agree). I am not one of those anorexic skinny chicks who weighs 80 lbs and thinks she is a heifer. I still have a good amount left to lose. I feel I am realistic about the way I look and how I feel.

I do work out. I worked out with a personal trainer for a year. I do a variety of activities, like spin class, outdoor jogging (well, I had started that and then it got to the summer weather and I will not run in the high 90s or triple digit weather!), I go to the gym and do cardio and I attend a sculpting/toning class twice a week. I am at my most successful when I work out 5-6 days a week for at least an hour. But lately have been lucky to hit 4 days a week, 45 minutes to an hour. I am making a committment to reach at least 5 days a week and am aiming for at least an hour. I try to mix up my cardio like jogging on the treadmill or walking with a high incline, the elliptical, the stair machine, and the rowing machine. I try to lift weights on my own at least once a week for 30-45 minutes. I figure that's enough since I take the toning class and we do stuff like squats and lunges with hand weights and do abs for 10-15 minutes.

I want to be happy with myself. I want to be able to look in the mirror and not hate what I see. I just don't know if I will ever be able to get rid of these problem areas without surgery. And even if it comes down to that, it will be another few years since I don't even have kids yet.

Sorry this is long. If any of you have struggled and overcame it, I would love to hear your story. And even if you haven't overcome it, your understanding and support will be appreciated.

Thanks for listening ...I mean reading :-)