How do I work out for me and not him?

Working out for anyone other than yourself is not going to give you lasting results, and I'm sure that since you posed the question that you did, you know that already. All I can see it accomplishing is putting you on a fast track to serious resentment and depression. That won't help your weight loss goals at all.

I'll refrain from making personal comments about how your husband is going about "motivating" you and instead offer up a different perspective. Oftentimes we allow others to treat us a certain way because we feel vulnerable or less than confident about ourselves. Getting yourself in prime shape will not only give you the energy you'll need with your new baby, but achieving a higher level of physical fitness and getting used to a healthier lifestyle just may give you the inner strength and empowerment you need to face whatever challenges your relationship (or life in general, that can be hard enough) may throw at you, either now or down the road. There's not much better motivation than that!

Regardless of what happens in your marriage, there is no downside to being strong, healthy, confident and HAPPY. As moms, we owe it to our kids... giving them a great example of self respect is huge. Focus on that and I think it will serve you well. Good luck!

I can see where you are coming from. My husband is VERY shallow and puts a lot of merit into looks too and I struggle with the same issue as you. (Am I doing this for ME or am I subconciously [-sp-] doing this for him?) Some times it does seem like I am focusing more on what he wants me to be rather than what I want to look like but I have found that he is really helping me keep focused. He points out areas that I need to work on and areas that "are a turn off" to him.

I try to use his criticism constructively. While he is very rude about it and hurts my feelings, it adds fuel to my fire. I am a very competitive person so I take his words as a challenge; a new goal or problem to defeat.

Just tried to offer a way to use his words in a way that is less hurtful to you. Don't stew on what he has to say. He is putting you down to make himself feel better about wanting to give up and make everything into your fault as far as he is concerned.

^Yeah, Anne, he's at 10% BMI, so fitness is entirely too important to him.

Our relationship has had years of rocky issues, I've contributed a lot to them in the early days and he's contributed a lot lately. My marriage is in bad shape, I know this, I'm in counseling. That's not what I'm asking for advice about here. My BMI now does say I'm overweight and so I don't think I need to lose the weight he says I do, but I do need to lose some. What I'm asking is: How can I make this about me and not him?

I agree with the two posts above mine. I don't mean to be outspoken but your husband sounds like a jerk. He needs to take a look at your wedding vows yes it doesn't say I agrees to stay with him or her if they are overweight but if he can't be supportive of what u need and want what's to say when something bad happens he will be ant different. As to the exercises you just need to find what u like if u like dancing they have this dvd and classes called zumba it's supposed to work your whole body. Try boxing or kick boxing, walk, swim, ride a bike do whatever makes you happy. Hope you have a great day. :happy:

I've heard good stuff about Zumba. Where can I find it?

Maybe you could find a Mommy & Me exercise class, or start walking with your son. Start out by making it about time with your child til you can find the motivation for yourself. In the end the only way you will stick with a healthier lifestyle is if it's what you want, plain and simple.
As for the bad marriage...been there, done that!! Divorce was the last thing I wanted, but when it was all said and done, it was for the best, my life is so much better now! I'm a happy person now (didn't even realize that I was unhappy before), my kids are happy, and I have the confidence to take on pretty much anything! Good Luck...

I'd say, at first take it easy... don't go all gung ho and make working out hell for yourself. The truth is, exercising IS enjoyable. Once you get into the swing of things you'll actually find it very addicting. Just like food is addictive, exercise is also addictive. So my advice to you would be to set your goal to enjoy yourself, let your exercise time be a time where you get back in touch with the child in you, y'know as I kid I'm sure you loved to run around and keep moving (I know my kids don't stop moving).

Just consider that it's something that your body needs and enjoys and will reward you for it. Ultimately, if your goal is just to lose fat, you'd be surprised by how much fat you'd lose just through eating under your maintenance calories. They say "diet & exercise", but in reality, when you're overweight or obese, it's just about burning more calories than you take in, and that could be simply through eating less.

But you should exercise, because it's a blast. It's really enjoyable, when you're into it you feel like you're superman. I'm a little curious regarding your husband, what do you think his motivations are for keeping his body lean and exercising himself? Is he doing it for you? Probably not, so maybe it'd be worth figuring out his personal motivations for keeping in shape and seeing if any of those make sense for you.

And for all these people who complain about your husband, don't pay them too much mind, men have been programmed (by the television, the ads, the billboards, nearly every picture that appears everywhere) to define sexy as 16-18% body fat in women. It takes a significant amount of deprogramming to remove that... with that said, it shouldn't be a requirement of marriage for one partner to look "sexy" for the other. I wouldn't consider it my wife's obligation to look "sexy" for me, nor would I consider that I'd be obligated to look "sexy" for her - sex is sex, regardless of how someone looks to the other, it feels the same, there's an over-abundance of attention given to the subject b/c it's a means by which man and women alike can be drastically manipulated. I mean, regardless of your body fat, eventually you'll get older, and by virtue of your age alone, you won't look "sexy" as defined by whatever look is appealing for the times, it's never a good long term motivation for a person to seek out that look - you'll achieve it, but don't make it the goal.

Here's my foray into counseling (sry I couldn't stop myself): Realize for yourself though, and really find out if your husband is only interested in a wife who is "sexy" for him. Allot of times when a man feels like a relationship isn't working, it wouldn't be based on the idea that his partner wasn't sexy for him, but more like him feeling she wasn't giving him enough positive attention and/or encouragement in the relationship. He may not express it like that, he may ultimately simplify that to her not looking good for him and think that if she lost the fat that would fix it, but that's because it's culturally "ok" for a guy to claim to like or dislike his partner b/c of her looks, it's not ok for a guys to open up and say it's b/c he's not getting enough attention, supposedly he's a guy, he shouldn't care about attention, just boobs & sex. It takes a bit of maturing and reflection to get past the machoness and stupidity of it all and be honest with oneself about one's true wants and needs.

Do your own thing. What kind of workouts do you like to do? Give yourself a goal and reward yourself when you reach it. Do not workout with your husband or when he is around. I never workout with mine. I want to look good for me and be healthy so I can be around for my family. Just keep in mind when working out what you want. Hope it helps. :flowerforyou:

Hiya, I've come to this thread a little late and there's not much I can add that others haven't already said but -

If you're not motivated for yourself you're not going to stick with it, trust me it's the same for anything. I gained a lot of weight over the past year (some of it may have been down to going on the Pill, but definitely some of the blame falls on my shoulders as I stopped exercising regularly and started cooking big eleaborate meals for two instead of just for myself - portion control on a roast joint of meat has always been a bit of a grey area for me!).

Anyways, I got so unhealthy and gained so much weight (about 30lbs in 6 months) I was wheezing all the time, I could barely walk to the shops round the corner from my house without getting really short of breath. I was properly UNFIT, and I hated doing any exercise because it just reminded me how damned unfit I was!

Well, my boyfriend expressed concern. BUT he never said he found me unattractive. Even though I've only lost 6 of those pounds of what I affectionately call "holiday weight" he still says he's NEVER found me unattractive, and wishes I didn't have to go to work so early in the mornings because he misses waking up next to me and that he especially misses the morning sex
;-).

You know what he was concerned about? he saw me getting unhealthy and short of breath, and it upset him and made him sad because he said he wants us to spend a long time together...and because I was so unhealthy he was worried I wouldn't be around for as long. One day we were sprawled in bed just watching telly and he put his head on my chest - and I started wheezing and breathing funny because I was that unhealthy - and he was so upset he had to leave the room.

So yeah, if your husband were concerned about your weight because it was getting to be a health issue, then fair play to him. But telling you he no longer finds you attractive because you've got a bit of baby weight? What a ****!

I am a little late to the party on this one, but my very brief thoughts are:
Remember a time when you felt good about yourself, when you got dressed and thought "yeah, this is a good look!" and had a little swagger in your step, well that's the feeling you need to aim for, because it sounds like you're going to need all that inner strength and confidence to do this.
I applaud you for fighting for your marriage, I hope he is fighting for it to. Numbers alone don't make happy people, not scale numbers, not bank numbers and not age!
Good luck - find a fantastic class or get some great DVDs and do it for the enjoyment and health benefits for you and your body and your baby, don't do it to achieve someone else's goal.
:flowerforyou:

first off, this must be a very difficult time for you – no wonder you are having troubles! It hurts when other people express dissatisfaction with something as personal and intimate as physical appearance. i took a class in college were we wrote a lot about bodies and body image. with so many expectations and high standards of beauty it is no wonder so many women have problems. (i’m sure many men do too – just more closeted.) right now i’m sure much of your lack of motivation to exercise has much to do with a lack of self-esteem (which i’m sure has plummeted through the floor – and reasonably so).

never having been fully satisfied with my physical appearance i have a multitude of suggestions for you – don’t get overwhelmed. just take them one at a time and feel free to pick and choose as you wish.

1) find an exercise you like. if you don’t like doing it, you won’t keep doing it. try new things – think of it as “exploring” rather than “working.” go hiking and explore a new trail. walk down a new street. take a mom and baby yoga class. try a spinning class. get some new exercise dvds. let these “explorations” trickle into your eating habits too. try a new fruit. find a new recipe. pair two unexpected foods together.

2) look at yourself in the mirror each day and tell yourself you are worth it. talk to yourself positively (i know this sounds kind of weird…) block out the negative thoughts. write it down if you feel it would help you. think of it as your “anthem.” my “anthem” would go something like this (in various, abbreviated forms depending on my needs and emotions):

“you are beautiful, smart, svelte, caring and impassioned. you have long sexy legs, beautiful hair, deep brown eyes and strong arms.

your strong body and zeal for new things have lead you to do many fun and exciting things. your body is the medium through which you experience life. you have climbed mountains, run a half-marathon, biked 10 miles, camped primitively, white-water rafted, obtained an education, worked hard at many jobs, made many friends, kissed passionately and many other things. you will continue to do many things with this body with which you have been blessed.

your body is a gift from God. it is more than a mere object to be molded and formed as you wish. it is more than a medium through which you can meet others standards of “attractiveness.” you are a steward over your body. your body is incredibly resilient if treated with care. feed it with healthy, nutrient-rich food. get adequate sleep. exercise with passion.

your body has flaws. many of them. some of them you can change and others you cannot. accept the ones you cannot change. the flaws you can change, it is important to try to change them and to love them simultaneously.”

and so and so forth…

if you don’t know how to compliment yourself/your body yet, feel free to take mine and amend it as you wish (make sure you add some parts in there about creating life and giving birth – which is amazing and miraculous!). compliment yourself even if you don’t believe it. there are parts of my anthem i don’t believe/practice everyday or every moment. the more you tell yourself these things, the more they will begin to materialize. it is all about confidence.

3) find friends with whom you can exercise! there is a certain undeniable momentum created by groups of people. whether it is one friend or 10, you will have fun, hold each other accountable and create memories. not only that, you will be doing so while your body releases those beautiful things known as endorphins. combine that with friends and laughter, you will have a veritable explosion of fun and merriment.

however, make sure these are friends that will challenge you rather than friends that will let you cut corners or eat that extra snack you don’t need. (of course, if you need the snack, by all means eat it!) right now (and anytime really) you need supportive friends, not enabling friends.

4) focus on the other reasons why you exercise and put them somewhere visible. put a picture of your son in your gym bag or in the corner of the tv screen while you do an exercise dvd. heck, put a picture of yourself in there too - because this is for you too! remind yourself that your goal is to be healthy and have confidence.

5) create small goals for yourself and reward yourself (with something other than food) when you achieve them. make sure some of your goals are exercise goals. (i.e. running/walking a certain trail in a shorter time.) having goals other than weightloss goals is important because you are more than a number on a scale. adding other goals will create a dimension to your pursuit of fitness that cannot otherwise be created.

6) don’t compare yourself to others. i believe many people’s body image problems are created when we compare ourselves to others. it doesn’t help when physical appearance expectations are directly (i.e. family members telling us) or indirectly (i.e. media) are impressed upon us. dispose of such bad influences where possible, particularly at this time when you need to build up your confidence. of course you are not going to look like you fell out of a magazine – nobody really does. it is unrealistic. so throw out the magazines and turn off the television.

7) make this a competition with yourself (rather than a competition against others – this goes along with #6). try to run/walk farther than you did yesterday. do one more push-up or sit-up.

8) if you fall down, pick yourself up and tell yourself you are AWESOME!

Just to let you know anything under 18.5% body fat for a female is unhealthy. Have you ever noticed that body builders have more of a mans body and a deeper voice? This is because women do have testosterone and when our body fat gets too low the testosterone level go up as well which can lead to some hair in places women shouldn't have hair. I say aim to be healthy and confident. In my opinion he should love you no matter what size you are and you should only want to get fit for you. My advice that has worked for me......buy something completely out of your comfort zone but that you have always wanted to wear. Buy it in the size you want to be. I splurged on a pair of jeans that were a size 7 and I worked my butt off to get into those and wear them well. I felt so sexy even though they were just jeans. Oh and every time my husband pisses me off I take it out on the treadmill. Good luck to you and I hope you find the answer you are looking for from the many supporters you have!

Get a new husband.

I'm in counseling. That's not what I'm asking for advice about here. My BMI now does say I'm overweight and so I don't think I need to lose the weight he says I do, but I do need to lose some. What I'm asking is: How can I make this about me and not him?

I've heard good stuff about Zumba. Where can I find it?

I agree with you, getting in some excercise will definitely help with any stress life sends your way. Taking a walk with the baby in the stroller, do DVD's while baby is sleeping, etc. Zumba classes can be found most anyplace these days, check out your local rec center or a gym nearby. Sometimes you can buy punchcards for classes if you're not looking to join a gym. You might find joining a gym and meeting new friends exactly what you need for confidence building.

Getting yourself healthy for you and your baby is most important, not losing weight or getting to a certain body fat %, those likely will come along with getting healthy. Focus on what feels good for you, Getting up in the a.m, taking a shower getting a quick workout in (all depending on the babys scedule of course) and start out your day in a positive mode.

It's your life for you to live, moving our bodies makes us feel good, gets us healthier and clears our mind of stresses of everyday life.

Good luck to you, do t for YOU Hon! If you don't feel like taking that walk, do it anyway, one day, you will crave that walk and begin loving be outdoors with the baby and you'll look back and wonder why it took so long.:flowerforyou:

Becca

Ask yourself what it is YOU want making sure your motives are for the right reasons too.
Set some goals to that end and keep the focus there as much as you can. Make a realistic plan for yourself.
Strive to follow your plan. It will be a matter mentally rethinking of it.