How to prepare...

Valqis
Valqis Posts: 1,016 Member
edited September 21 in Food and Nutrition
Both my wife and I are on MFP, but we have differing caloric needs. I have almost met my initial goal weight and will soon be taking in 2x as many calories daily as she will (with my exercise regimen) as I start a month of maintenance and see if I want to lose any more or not or just tone what is left. Now, I don't want to stop working out, because I have a feeling that the moment I do that, that will start the pounds coming back on, but how do I prepare a menu for the both of us when I am supposed to be eating twice as many calories as she is. We have had a couple of disagreements about this at restaurants after I have had a hard workout earlier in the day and wanted to enjoy myself with a large calorie meal, and had already figured it up on the site and knew just how many calories I would be consuming, and would still be within my allowance, and she follows along and orders the same thing, thinking that she was getting within her calories as well. I told her after she put in the order, "You know this is x calories," and she nods. After she had eaten it all, I again say, so how did your X calories taste? was it worth it. It is then that she gets upset and says, "How could you let me eat that many calories? I thought you were eating healthy? You didn't tell me that this was that many calories."
I have a feeling that I am going to be running into this more and more unless I can get some suggestions.

Thanks in advance.

Replies

  • questionablemethods
    questionablemethods Posts: 2,174 Member
    Well, I know how difficult it can be to watch my boyfriend with much higher calorie needs than myself eat about twice what I do (and still be losing! He's soon going to be trying to actually bulk up, which will be even MORE calories!). That said, she needs to take responsibility for her own food choices. It sounds as though you are doing what you can to encourage her to plan ahead when you visit a restaurant and understand how many calories she will be eating BEFORE she eats it.

    Once she has eaten it, I guess I don't see the help in saying things like "was it worth it?" I know that would annoy me, personally, if I had either 1) chosen to indulge or 2) made a bad choice that I regretted. So, not saying those things might be one step in stopping her from getting upset with YOU. But when it does come up, you might want to reminder her gently that you tried to encourage her to log it and plan it before eating it.

    Don't know what else you can do but I'd like to hear other suggestions.
  • kcdrake
    kcdrake Posts: 512
    I'm of the belief that when preparing meals at home a healthy meal is a healthy meal no matter what. You might be allowed more of the food than your wife would as long as it fits into your goals for the day. I do not advocate making different meals, however. I know some people that do that and it drives me crazy! To avoid some of the arguing at meal time (or maybe jealousy that you get to eat something she doesn't :wink:) make sure you have snacks available to you throughout the day (maybe stash 'em at work).

    As far as eating out at a restaurant, maybe suggest to her that she look up the information and plan her own meal accordingly. That way she can't blame you for what she chooses to eat.

    Congratulations on the weight loss and moving into maintenance!
  • shannahrenee
    shannahrenee Posts: 380
    I would personally get really upset if my fiance pointed out how many calories I was eating or asked me if it was worth it. That's just me and I'm super sensitive about that kind of stuff. I would just explain to her ahead of time how many calories you're eating without making it about her. Then if she decides to get the same thing that's something she needs to take responsibility for.
  • Valqis
    Valqis Posts: 1,016 Member
    Once she has eaten it, I guess I don't see the help in saying things like "was it worth it?" I know that would annoy me, personally, if I had either 1) chosen to indulge or 2) made a bad choice that I regretted. So, not saying those things might be one step in stopping her from getting upset with YOU. But when it does come up, you might want to reminder her gently that you tried to encourage her to log it and plan it before eating it.

    Yea, the "Was it worth it?" may have been a little much, but I enjoyed it b/c it was a good Mexican meal that I rarely get. She normally looks to me for guidance on what to get for food choices, which makes things difficult when I am trying to eat ALL my calories. I tend to have 700-1100 calories left for dinner right now, so add on another 500 on top of that, and things are going to be even more fun:noway:
  • kellykat
    kellykat Posts: 180 Member
    I would personally get really upset if my fiance pointed out how many calories I was eating or asked me if it was worth it. That's just me and I'm super sensitive about that kind of stuff. I would just explain to her ahead of time how many calories you're eating without making it about her. Then if she decides to get the same thing that's something she needs to take responsibility for.

    Definitely this.

    Plus I would think about injuring my husband if he said something like "was it worth it?" After the fact there is nothing that can be done about the decision that was made so no need to rub my face in it. I think that comment is pretty insensitive and it would probably make me feel so bad that I would eat something else to numb the sting.
  • dlrcpa
    dlrcpa Posts: 114 Member
    Hm My calorie needs are different than my husband's and I take responsibility for what I eat. If we're having pasta, I know I have to measure my portion while he does not. I leave the butter off the bread, I skip dessert. As long as you have made sure there are plenty of choices (ie restaurant with variety of options and keep plenty of appropriate foods at home) then I think it's up to her to make the right choices. If you're preparing dinner you will want to include choices that will work for her (i.e. don't slather butter on the green beans before setting the bowl on the table - put your own butter on your own beans at your own plate.) Let her prepare her own plate and portions, or ask her what portion size she wants (hopefully she checked beforehand and knows how many calories that should be.) Keep different cereals available (I eat X while hubby eats Y). Do salads some days - yours can have a lot of meat/beans/cheese/croutons added while hers has more controlled portions and additional veggies.

    Sounds like you care and that's a plus! Good luck.
  • Valqis
    Valqis Posts: 1,016 Member
    Ok, ok, I was a complete idiot for doing what I did. I understand that... the point of my question is how do I help her get her 1500 calories while I get my 3000 for the day?
  • Valqis
    Valqis Posts: 1,016 Member
    Hm My calorie needs are different than my husband's and I take responsibility for what I eat. If we're having pasta, I know I have to measure my portion while he does not. I leave the butter off the bread, I skip dessert. As long as you have made sure there are plenty of choices (ie restaurant with variety of options and keep plenty of appropriate foods at home) then I think it's up to her to make the right choices. If you're preparing dinner you will want to include choices that will work for her (i.e. don't slather butter on the green beans before setting the bowl on the table - put your own butter on your own beans at your own plate.) Let her prepare her own plate and portions, or ask her what portion size she wants (hopefully she checked beforehand and knows how many calories that should be.) Keep different cereals available (I eat X while hubby eats Y). Do salads some days - yours can have a lot of meat/beans/cheese/croutons added while hers has more controlled portions and additional veggies.

    Sounds like you care and that's a plus! Good luck.

    That actually does help..

    I do most of the cooking so the the butter on the beans or veggies is not a problem, everyone puts it according to what they want when they get their plate.
    Thanks
  • aippolito1
    aippolito1 Posts: 4,894 Member
    I think you should just reiterate to her that she has different caloric needs than you do and just because you know what you need doesn't mean it fits for her as well. She has to be responsible for herself and her diet. My boyfriend doesn't know much about this stuff like I do and since he's trying to gain weight, I just give him bigger portions but cook the same thing as I'm eating. I'll cook something 3-4 servings, portion out my serving, then literally serve him the rest.

    But if your wife is on this and she knows what she needs, she has to do that for herself. It shouldn't be up to you to figure that out for her so don't feel bad if you TELL her and she eats it. You're not "letting" her do anything. She has free will.
  • KarenECunningham
    KarenECunningham Posts: 419 Member
    I am not sure why it is your responsibility to manage her calories. If you are the cook in the family you can prepare healthy meals and let her know how many calories are in the food by portion. It is her responsibility to weigh and measure her own food. Dining out is also her responsibility and she should plan ahead for her own meal and look up the nutritional info before leaving the house. It might be better if you don't say anything at the restaurant and instead just focus on your own choices unless she asks for your advice. Reading between the lines it sounds like you so badly want her to be successful that you might be taking on the role of her personal coach. My suggestion is to back off a little and let her figure it out on her own. I wouldn't worry about her calories and instead would focus on my own caloric needs.
  • valeriebpdx
    valeriebpdx Posts: 497 Member
    I would think about injuring my husband if he said something like "was it worth it?"

    I would like to be friends with you, kellykat.

    Since you have already seen the error of your ways with that comment, Valqis, I will not hammer further. You actually sound like a really good guy and it is sweet that you care so much. I have a lot of this going on at my house. My husband is rail thin and exercises constantly and can literally eat anything that occurs to him. Even if I resent it a little and sometimes make the choice to indulge with him when I don't have the calories available, I know exactly what I am doing. He would like more than anything for me to be thin, at a weight that looks good and that I am happy with. But so far, I have not found that anything he does (except supporting me when I am trying to steal time from the family to exercise, or complimenting the light meal rather than whining for "the rest of the dinner") really makes much of a difference to whether my head is in the right place re: food and exercise. What I eat is not my husband's responsibility, and what your wife eats is not yours, as much as you would like to pull her along with you on your healthy path. I know it must be frustrating to have it figured out and have the woman you love not quite there yet, but you can't force her. Just tell her she looks pretty when she's doing well, and continue to lead by example most of the time. When you are having a major indulgence and she tries to ride along, you might say "You know I worked out for two hours for this, right?" but no more. If she orders it anyway, zip it and enjoy your own meal. And then if she tries to blame you later or say you should have stopped her, call bullsh*t. She needs to take responsibility for her own choices. Good luck to you--I hope both our families get this figured out. And huge congrats for reaching your goal!
  • shannahrenee
    shannahrenee Posts: 380
    I would personally get really upset if my fiance pointed out how many calories I was eating or asked me if it was worth it. That's just me and I'm super sensitive about that kind of stuff. I would just explain to her ahead of time how many calories you're eating without making it about her. Then if she decides to get the same thing that's something she needs to take responsibility for.

    Definitely this.

    Plus I would think about injuring my husband if he said something like "was it worth it?" After the fact there is nothing that can be done about the decision that was made so no need to rub my face in it. I think that comment is pretty insensitive and it would probably make me feel so bad that I would eat something else to numb the sting.

    EXACTLY!
  • questionablemethods
    questionablemethods Posts: 2,174 Member
    Ok, ok, I was a complete idiot for doing what I did. I understand that... the point of my question is how do I help her get her 1500 calories while I get my 3000 for the day?

    I wasn't trying to beat up on you for the comment. I was just saying that it may have contributed to the argument.

    Your caloric needs sound a lot like what the differing needs will be for me and my boyfriend while I still try to lose a bit and he works on bulking up. As long as we're preparing meals together (which we do 90% of the time), it is pretty easy. I figure out what I need and he gets twice everything that I get. So, if you are preparing the meals, it sounds as though her portion will be about half of yours, assuming that you are eating the same thing. If she chooses to eat more, that is up to her. She can log and track things just as well as you can.
  • shannahrenee
    shannahrenee Posts: 380
    Ok, ok, I was a complete idiot for doing what I did. I understand that... the point of my question is how do I help her get her 1500 calories while I get my 3000 for the day?

    I wasn't trying to attack you either or make you feel bad I was just trying to let you know how she might be feeling. My fiance tries to help me stay on track, too and while it's sweet it normally makes me feel a little bit like a child. I would just talk to you wife and see what would be most helpful for her. Explain that you want to be supportive and do whatever you can to help her reach her goals. :smile:
  • Valqis
    Valqis Posts: 1,016 Member
    She actually has been hinting at wanting to hire someone to come in and fix the meals for her, or she wants to switch to the "meals in a box" so it is all figured for her. That is why I am trying to help with keeping up with the calories and all that for her.
  • pfenixa
    pfenixa Posts: 194 Member
    Ok, ok, I was a complete idiot for doing what I did. I understand that... the point of my question is how do I help her get her 1500 calories while I get my 3000 for the day?

    Yeah, it seems like most of the responses have been about how they would have reacted and not actually answering the question. You're not the villian for saying something like that, and I'm sure I've said worse to my husband. Obviously it's best to avoid those kind of comments in general, but then again sometimes it's annoying comments like that that get through. I'm sure you didn't say it just to be a jerk, it had a point.

    You said that you had figured out in advance about what you were going to order and how it would fit into your calories that day. What might help her is if you took that information, had her log on, and plugged it into hers so she could see what she'd be getting into. Definitely have the discussion about the disparity between your daily caloric intake (if you haven't already) and, yeah, ask her if there's anything you can do in the way of support. Otherwise, it's on her. You can be as supportive as you want but in the end the journey is hers to navigate.
  • kdiamond
    kdiamond Posts: 3,329 Member
    This is a mindset you both have to dig into.

    I weigh 105 and my husband weighs 250 (big guy, 6'6") so basically I eat 1/3 of what he eats...that's simple calorie math.

    As far as restaurants go, either a) decide this will be your big caloric meal and get whatever the heck you want (both of you) or b) she needs to figure on eating 1/2 of the amount you eat. This is something you cannot be responsible for. I do the cooking in my house and I give my husband what he needs to eat, and I eat what I need to eat. Simple and no confusion. He is NOT a healthy cook though, so I keep him out of the kitchen unless there are rare circumstances or grilling.

    You guys should try with all your powers to keep all emotions out of eating --- in the long run it will make you more successful. I don't harp on my husband about what he orders at a restaurant, he is a big boy and he can decide for himself. That can lead to unnecessary fighting and resentment IMO.
  • questionablemethods
    questionablemethods Posts: 2,174 Member
    She actually has been hinting at wanting to hire someone to come in and fix the meals for her, or she wants to switch to the "meals in a box" so it is all figured for her. That is why I am trying to help with keeping up with the calories and all that for her.

    Do you do the cooking? Do you basically prepare all meals at home (bringing lunches to work, etc?). If so, it seems as though it already IS figured out for her if you are eating at your target, she just eats half of what you are eating. If that doesn't fly (if, for example, she doesn't like some of the things that you like to eat), then it sounds like adjustments will need to be made.

    The thing that has helped me and my boyfriend the most is to have several "set" meals a week. We basically always know what we're having for breakfast, lunch, snacks and then dinner is somewhat up in the air, but still, he eats larger portions at dinner than I do. This makes the planning and portioning much less stressful when we don't have to constantly be calculating the portions and calorie content of new foods -- just reaching into the fridge and grabbing the same things in our respective portions.
  • Holton
    Holton Posts: 1,018
    Neither one of you can be responsible for the other and unless she has asked you to be an accountability encourager, you should not be saying anything. Bottom line, she should order FIRST anyway. As far as at home menus, I would just think you would enjoy a larger portion of the same food prepared.
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