Done choosing to be fat.

Roundabouts May 20, I had a revelation: If you keep doing something, it's because you like it and don't want to stop.

And then, the other part of the revelation: If it applies to "you," it applies to me.

Really, neither of those are anything earth-shaking or new, but it ended up making a fundamental shift in my mindset. It finally clicked that being fat has been my <i>choice</i>, because I chose to be slothful and eat junk. So, each day and each moment, I'm choosing whether I want to be fat or whether I want to work to change.

I haven't gone on a diet, and I won't, because diets are temporary. What I am doing is keeping track of what I eat and thinking, "Do I really want to have to write this into my food diary?" I had originally been planning to go in a low-carb direction, and I still might, but at this point I'm still about making better choices - and establishing a baseline.

I've been consistently under my calorie goals - sometimes well under, especially when I do the full two hours in the pool. (More on that in a minute.) It seems the conventional wisdom is not to do it, but I'm not really eating less than before, or feeling deprived. If I'm hungry, I eat. If I want a danish, I have a danish. (Although the magic thing where you don't crave sugar and junk has actually been happening. I had a Taco Bell burrito the other day and was grossed out by the gobs of nacho cheese.) I just don't know if I can make the "real" calorie goal, because it'd mean eating a lot more.

So how'd I get fat if I don't eat that many calories? Ah, see, here's the thing: binging. A family sized bag of Doritos here, a few years of drinking two liters at a time of full-sugar soda there, and all of a sudden you're talking about real poundage. It took many many many years to get this way, y'know? And it's been a few years of tiny changes, like switching to diet soda (and gradually cutting back on that, too), getting smaller packages, etc. I haven't had the urge to binge since my epiphany, so I don't know what will happen if I do. I suppose I'll find out.

I don't have a meal plan yet, or any kind of organization. It's too much like homework right now, and my butt is already getting kicked by the last two courses before I get my MLS. One thing I don't need is an extra ounce of stress in my life!

The other thing I've been doing is just getting moving. I've been putting in between one and two hours in the pool every day since June 1 (except I missed one day). The calories burned counter is a bit confusing, because for most of that time I'm busting my butt, doing crunches and running and the Nordic Track thing and dancing and generally alternating between Shatner-esque pauses in my breathing to actively panting. Each of the things I do in the pool shows more calories burned than "water aerobics, water calisthenics" or "water jogging," so I would think the higher number would apply, given the water adds resistance. Granted, I really don't need my calorie goals to go any higher, but it's still a bit disconcerting.

I've really got not structured plan there, either. I try to work all the muscle groups, and I bought a pedal exerciser for rainy days. (It just came today! I haven't quite worked out how to sit to be able to really work on it, but my son's been pedaling on and off all day. Between that and getting in the pool with me, he's going to be the fittest little autistic boy on the planet!)

I really feel like I don't know what I'm doing, and it doesn't help to factor in stuff like how to afford higher-quality food, how to deal with sabotage from my mom, being torn between wanting quick results and wanting good results, and then just trying to figure out how to keep going.

The easy choice is to regress, but that's not who I want to be. One day at a time, one minute at a time, I need to make the choices that will make me feel good for the rest of my life, not just for the moment.