Afraid of developing a disorder

Give it away as presents and then go for a long walk to clear your head. Get out of the house for a while.

I wonder what your diet is like? How many calories are you aiming for per day? are you still trying to lose weight?

I know what you mean. Although I never made myself puke on purpose; I have had eating problems.
Last week I was not eating enough so this week I ate a bit more and without realizing, I was overeating.
How I get through it (like with the one I am currently in) is by giving myself a break. Fortunately for me, I have a strong discipline that when I really apply myself, I can make it happen. So the days I am naughty, I can, well first of all, enjoy it (since the damage is already done), shake it off, find out why I overate (it is usually linked to boredom or depression...every now and then is because I did not know the nutritional facts before I ate), and then I decided to plan my meal for the next day (since I want to be more careful).
I actually do have depression so I don't want to compromise my emotional health by feeling guilty or ugly (although I won't deny that I do feel those). However, eating is easier to control than emotions. You can only eat until you run out of food (or foods that you like)...I don't seem to run out of emotions though.

Thanks for the replies so far!

The diet I aim for is as follows: fruit salad and yoghurt for breakfast; rye salad sandwich for lunch; porridge with honey for afternoon snack and salad with omelette for dinner or baked beans. I ride my bike to university or work most days, which is roughly a 45 minute ride in total. My daily calorie goal is 1,200, obviously a bit more on days when I ride.

Days when I'm busy, this is pretty easy to follow. I actually lost a few kilos fairly quickly when I was able to stick to this. The problem is the days when I'm at home on my own, with easy access to food. Also, I tend to get really hungry at night.

Yes, I would still like to lose weight - if possible, it'd be fantastic to get under 60kg again. However, the main aim is for my body to just look thinner, even if that means putting on muscle weight.

Muscle weight is great. The more muscle you have, the more calories your body tends to burn. You might need to up your protein intake though; as well as your caloric intake. Muscles can't really develop healthily with 1,200. Even on the days you do not work out, you need to feed your muscles...otherwise, your body will burn them for energy. Cardio is the fastest way to seem thinner waist wise, but you might be stuck with some flab. There are exercises you can do that help tone your skin as you lose it. That way you burn and tone at the same time...that takes longer time though. The great thing about strength training is that not only will you look thin, but you would look strong as well. Your upper body would seem bigger (in a good way) and you might appear taller.

I think Vailara is saying the same thing as me....so I'm glad you did the calculations and are going to give it a try. There are a lot of people on here (myself included) who didn't lose and didn't feel they could sustain a low calorie diet but started losing when they ate more - I am definitely less obsessed with food and have totally stopped over eating.

Exercise-wise...I absolutely cannot say enough about yoga. It's strength training/weight lifting using your own body as resistance as well as toning, it will help you look long, lean and comfortable in your skin. It has the added benefit of being very good for your mind - the breathing fills your brain and body with oxygen and the relaxation exercises help you to be calm and meditate...

See if Uni has some classes...or, see if your local game shop or video store has some cheap, beginner classes on DVD. Sometimes the DVD's are a bit hit and miss in terms of getting a good one but there are loads out there and they don't cost a huge amount. It's something you can do in 15 to 30 minutes every morning to start your day and you will feel great after a few weeks - you will also notice your body toning, changing shape and feeling healthier

To stop being hungry at night and then binging you need to eat more during the day. Maybe some protein for breakfast like eggs, maybe toast and eat regularly through the day. Even if you don't feel like it at first, the more you eat during the day, the less you will be starving at night and you will start to even out a bit.

You are only 19 and figuring out your body and your life. Do you enjoy your study? Are you lonely? Is there something else motivating you to eat like this? Escape? Procrastination?

What everyone else said is right. Eating more will help but filling your life up with something else that you love will help too. I'm not criticising. I've been there. Just reading your post made me think what it has felt like in the past when I have over eaten like that. It used to feel like I had poisoned myself and it would go on for days. Try and surround yourself with positive people and eat 'normally' if you can.

The more you restrict your food intake, the more you trigger a stress response in your body which will make anxiety/depression worse. I wish you the best of luck.

I would really recommend seeing your doctor about this. Even if you don't think you're "there" yet, this is definitely disordered eating, and they should be able to offer you some proper help. Good for you for reaching out. :flowerforyou:

Dianamatienzo, thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like your boyfriend is a really positive influence! I've actually just started seeing someone, and I think the reason my issues have sort of popped up again is that I'm afraid that he'll lose interest in me if I gain some weight. But really, he's a wonderful guy and I don't truly believe it would bother him all that much at all! I guess I just need to try really hard to reign in my paranoia and anxiety, and if things go well with him, I'll let him know I've had some issues and ask him to help support me.

Of course I figured since we're all here to help motivate each other, we should share things that can help others! I really hope things go well for you; it'll take time and so much work, but it'll be worth it! Especially being so young, we should prevent health issues and be grateful no major health concerns have popped up. We can do it!

I would really recommend seeing your doctor about this. Even if you don't think you're "there" yet, this is definitely disordered eating, and they should be able to offer you some proper help. Good for you for reaching out. :flowerforyou:

This^^ I know it's not easy to admit that you have a problem, but you're doing it for a reason. Even if you stop the binging and purging, the problem still exists. When I was anorexic/bulimic, I had no idea why I was doing it! Please get help. Once you learn how to cope with 'issues', it's a lot easier to maintain a healthy diet. You'll also be much happier.
<hugs> from someone who's been there. Good luck.

First off, you are a very beautiful girl just the way you are !:flowerforyou:
Secondly, I know how you feel. I know the feeling of not being able to stop, as well as the feelings of guilt and disgust that follow. I can't say I ever INTENTIONALLY threw up after an eating binge- but I have eaten until nausea and then thought, "If I don't feel good- why not get it out? Let me correct this." which in all honesty isn't very good thinking.

That was when I was 16, in a horrible abusive relationship in combination with some family problems (a mentally ill grandmother we primarily cared for) and all the hormonal emotional/school/work problems that are typical of that age.

Now at 21, I've learned a lot since then. I can honestly say as soon as I ended that relationship (by about 17) I already was done with all that. However, I still wasn't eating "healthy" so I still had a pretty jacked up body image.

In all honesty, whenever I think of the ease of "eat what you want, get rid of it, repeat" I will always think of that temptation. Perhaps I had always been putting myself into the situation of eating until sickness in the first place so I didn't feel guilty when I uncontrollably threw it up. And it was always the really gross fatty things (I have killed a whole Domino's pizza in 15 minutes) that brought me to that point.

When I hit around 18 I started having problems (related to a medication I was on for my skin) with my stomach. They made me nauseous every day and no doctor could figure it out for over a year (I ended up discovering my own cure *sigh* because they sure never did!) I would pray and pray I could keep food down and not feel sick afterwards. Suddenly I got so angry with myself for all the times I ate to sickness. I'd be happy in that moment to just be able to eat a sandwich and not want to vom everywhere.

Once that was fixed- I appreciated everything my body could do. I just wanted it to be healthy and happy. I treasure it now, because I almost lost it. I could have actually died from the medication I was on, and losing more than a year of the "primetime" of my life to this sickness was unforgettable.

Since then (I'm studying to become a Doctor) I have heard far too many stories of the damage that can be done from things like this. It's one of those things I think everyone has "experienced" at some point, but for some that "experience" is just the beginning. Some things I've seen from bulimia include ruptured stomachs (not just long term binge/purge either), fine downy hair all over the face and body (from lack of macro and micronutrients), and bruises, cuts, spots, and all that lovely skin stuff. But, what truly horrified me (and I won't post the link because it's a VERY graphic image) was a photo I saw of a girl, barely 20, who died during her purge. She wasn't even "deep" into the routine, just starting out, and they found her in a pool of blood head in the toilet, body all mangled over the seat. She wasn't the only story I've heard of throwing up blood, but she was the first death I saw with my own eyes from this horrible disease. Ironically, I found it while researching pro-ana-mia sites for a paper. They posted it to each other as a warning...or motivation...which makes it even sadder that it's such a difficult thing to break.

I never wanted my family to find me like that. I never wanted my pets, boyfriend, neighbor to see me like that. But most of all, I love my body more than that. If it's "imperfect" to someone- they can *kitten* off! It does amazing things for me every day, keeps me alive and breathing without me asking it to, and I'm always impressed when I discover it can do something I never knew it could! I don't want to waste this *hopefully* 100 years I have on this earth worrying about other people's opinions on something that is ONLY MINE.

Like you, I never considered myself bulimic. However, I definitely had disordered eating and without help that would have crept into that territory. Luckily, I found the resources in my life to stop- and I can never stress how thankful I am for that. I look at so many people in my life who have passed from tragedy before their time- I want to appreciate every moment I'm given because you never know when your time is up.

I'm sorry for going on such a tangent. Your story just really touched me and I don't want to see something happen to you. Honestly, a lot of times people don't realize how much they're hurting themselves until it's too late or irreversible. You can be skinny on the outside with an eating disorder, but you will be dead on the inside. There is nothing healthy about it. I'd rather be 30 pounds "overweight" and healthy than knowing my body is slowly rotting away internally.

I hope my post perhaps makes you rethink your motives next time you have the urge to binge. If you truly feel like you can't stop eating, I eat a ton of fiber to feel full (fiber burns calories in the end!)- lots of water- leafy greens- and if I REALLY want cake- I eat cake. And I enjoy it and savor every moment. Because I only have my 100 years on this earth and I know I won't remember what the waiter who worked there thought of me- but I will remember loving myself that day

If you think you may have or are forming a habit that you know is detrimental to your health please talk to someone about it like your doctor, a parent, a teacher, religious advisor etc. asking people on the Internet is one thing but actively seeking true professional guidance and help is truly the way to go. Good luck! :flowerforyou:

If you think you may have or are forming a habit that you know is detrimental to your health please talk to someone about it like your doctor, a parent, a teacher, religious advisor etc. asking people on the Internet is one thing but actively seeking true professional guidance and help is truly the way to go. Good luck! :flowerforyou:

^^ This.. once you go down the road it's hard to come back from..*hug*