Afraid of developing a disorder

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onesongaboutagirl
onesongaboutagirl Posts: 13 Member
in Motivation and Support
Hello,

It will probably seem a bit odd that I'm looking for help about this on a website, but I am terrified to tell anyone I know about this.

I have struggled for a long time with self-esteem issues and bouts of anxiety and depression. I've noticed over the past few years that my most particular obsession has been with food. I am constantly thinking about what food I have eaten for the day, when I can next reasonably eat, and what effect my diet is likely to have on my body. I often find myself unable to stop a binge eating session, and in all truth, I have developed a habit of making myself throw up after such sessions. I know this is a really, really bad idea, and by no means at all do I condone it. However, in the heat of the moment I panic and feel disgusted with myself, and that's how I handle it.

Today being Easter Sunday, I found myself in a particularly awkward position - faced with a mound of chocolate (which has long been the food I cannot resist), I ate until I felt sick then forced myself to exercise for two hours. I know this isn't normal behaviour, and I honestly just want it all to stop. I am exhausted from spending all my time thinking about food, and just want to be able to focus on other things.

I don't believe I currently have an eating disorder (my binge/vomit episodes used to occur about 3-4 times a week, but it's down to about twice a month now). However, I know I'm showing signs of developing a disorder, and I really don't want that to happen.

I guess I thought there might be some people on here who have gone through similar things,and I was wondering if someone might be able to share their experiences with me, and let me know what helped them get through it? Or, if you're going through the same thing, maybe we could help each other through it.

By the way, in case people wanted to know my stats, I am still at a healthy weight - I'm roughly 174cm tall (5 foot 8) and I think 63kg (139 pounds). I'm also 19 years old, not sure if that's relevant or not, but hey.

Any help would be so greatly appreciated. Good luck to everyone with their fitness goals! :)
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Replies

  • bearwith
    bearwith Posts: 525 Member
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    Give it away as presents and then go for a long walk to clear your head. Get out of the house for a while.
  • Warchortle
    Warchortle Posts: 2,197 Member
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    I don't purge after a binge.. it just fuels my lifts the next day... Food is energy. You don't have to barf it up.

    I ate my own Outback steakhouse regular cheese fries and bloomin' onion after my regular food day.... felt sick like no other and still got my workouts in and tried to continue as normal.
  • Jude_V
    Jude_V Posts: 72 Member
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    I wonder what your diet is like? How many calories are you aiming for per day? are you still trying to lose weight?
  • onesongaboutagirl
    onesongaboutagirl Posts: 13 Member
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    Thanks for the replies so far!

    The diet I aim for is as follows: fruit salad and yoghurt for breakfast; rye salad sandwich for lunch; porridge with honey for afternoon snack and salad with omelette for dinner or baked beans. I ride my bike to university or work most days, which is roughly a 45 minute ride in total. My daily calorie goal is 1,200, obviously a bit more on days when I ride.

    Days when I'm busy, this is pretty easy to follow. I actually lost a few kilos fairly quickly when I was able to stick to this. The problem is the days when I'm at home on my own, with easy access to food. Also, I tend to get really hungry at night.

    Yes, I would still like to lose weight - if possible, it'd be fantastic to get under 60kg again. However, the main aim is for my body to just look thinner, even if that means putting on muscle weight.
  • UsernameStillLoading
    UsernameStillLoading Posts: 299 Member
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    I know what you mean. Although I never made myself puke on purpose; I have had eating problems.
    Last week I was not eating enough so this week I ate a bit more and without realizing, I was overeating.
    How I get through it (like with the one I am currently in) is by giving myself a break. Fortunately for me, I have a strong discipline that when I really apply myself, I can make it happen. So the days I am naughty, I can, well first of all, enjoy it (since the damage is already done), shake it off, find out why I overate (it is usually linked to boredom or depression...every now and then is because I did not know the nutritional facts before I ate), and then I decided to plan my meal for the next day (since I want to be more careful).
    I actually do have depression so I don't want to compromise my emotional health by feeling guilty or ugly (although I won't deny that I do feel those). However, eating is easier to control than emotions. You can only eat until you run out of food (or foods that you like)...I don't seem to run out of emotions though.
  • Jude_V
    Jude_V Posts: 72 Member
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    From everything I have learnt on here I would say you just aren't eating enough. Our bodies are designed to keep us at a stable weight and in times of famine (or dieting) our brains tell us to be obsessed with food and we think about it all the time. Part of this is also to make us binge when food is available or to get as much sugary or fatty food inside us as quickly as possible (binging). At the point where your body is satiated, your head starts to take over and is telling you to get rid of it - simply because you feel guilty and out of control. Purging is one way to feel that you are back in control...

    I would recommend you read this - http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/937712-in-place-of-a-road-map-ver-3-0 It seems complicated but work through the calculators and find out how much you SHOULD be eating - I would say you could safely stick on another 500 to 700 calories and still be healthy. So you should be eating 1800 to 2000 calories a day. Especially if you have no more to lose and you are doing some exercise...

    Once you start eating enough food to fuel your body the cravings and binges will stop and you will no longer feel the need to purge because you will be eating enough to satisfy your body without feeling guilty :) And there is room in life for chocolate, just factor it into your daily calorie allowance.

    If you don't trust that you can eat 1800 calories and not get fat...do it for a week or so and see how you feel...what harm could it do?

    :flowerforyou:
  • UsernameStillLoading
    UsernameStillLoading Posts: 299 Member
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    Thanks for the replies so far!

    The diet I aim for is as follows: fruit salad and yoghurt for breakfast; rye salad sandwich for lunch; porridge with honey for afternoon snack and salad with omelette for dinner or baked beans. I ride my bike to university or work most days, which is roughly a 45 minute ride in total. My daily calorie goal is 1,200, obviously a bit more on days when I ride.

    Days when I'm busy, this is pretty easy to follow. I actually lost a few kilos fairly quickly when I was able to stick to this. The problem is the days when I'm at home on my own, with easy access to food. Also, I tend to get really hungry at night.

    Yes, I would still like to lose weight - if possible, it'd be fantastic to get under 60kg again. However, the main aim is for my body to just look thinner, even if that means putting on muscle weight.

    Muscle weight is great. The more muscle you have, the more calories your body tends to burn. You might need to up your protein intake though; as well as your caloric intake. Muscles can't really develop healthily with 1,200. Even on the days you do not work out, you need to feed your muscles...otherwise, your body will burn them for energy. Cardio is the fastest way to seem thinner waist wise, but you might be stuck with some flab. There are exercises you can do that help tone your skin as you lose it. That way you burn and tone at the same time...that takes longer time though. The great thing about strength training is that not only will you look thin, but you would look strong as well. Your upper body would seem bigger (in a good way) and you might appear taller.
  • dianamatienzo
    dianamatienzo Posts: 127
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    I used to do something similar a few years ago. The most important thing I can say to you is stop! Don't make yourself vomit. It kills your esophagus, it'll rot your teeth, damage your stomach.... just imagine your stomach acid burning everything it touches on its way out. I stopped making myself throw up little by little when I realized how ridiculous it was, but the funny thing is I was never overweight until after I stopped. Once I stopped, I went crazy with food, eating crap and always lying to myself until I gained 30lbs. It was just last year that I decided to lose weight the right way so that I could live a strong, happy, healthy, and long life :)

    My boyfriend helped me through all of it, so he was my rock, but now he's mostly motivation. At first I depended on him to push myself, but now I realize how much power I have to control myself and better myself. That's not to say that he doesn't inspire me and motivate me every day, but I know that the power is all in my hands. It's all within you, you just have to learn to control the positive thoughts and overcome those cravings, or negative thoughts you may have. You can do it! :)
  • onesongaboutagirl
    onesongaboutagirl Posts: 13 Member
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    God, I can't tell you all how much your words of advice mean to me. Particularly that no one has been rude about the vomiting, which I suspected could happen.

    Jude_V, I had a look at that website, and apparently I can eat up to about 2000 calories a day! That sounds like so much to me, but I'm a person who really loves to eat (obviously, haha), and it is a comforting thought. I think there are some ingrained mental barriers to the idea of letting myself take in that many calories, but I'm going to try to do that and see what happens. Thank you for putting me onto that!

    Gigibg01, I'm sorry to hear about the problems you've had. It seems as though we have a bit in common. But you also have a very forgiving and positive outlook for yourself, so I hope that that's a sign that you're on the mend and things are getting better for you. Let me know if you ever want someone to talk to - I know I often do as well. What sort of exercises do you recommend for toning? I don't have a lot of spare time around work and uni, but I'm more than happy to give some home workouts a go.

    Dianamatienzo, thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like your boyfriend is a really positive influence! I've actually just started seeing someone, and I think the reason my issues have sort of popped up again is that I'm afraid that he'll lose interest in me if I gain some weight. But really, he's a wonderful guy and I don't truly believe it would bother him all that much at all! I guess I just need to try really hard to reign in my paranoia and anxiety, and if things go well with him, I'll let him know I've had some issues and ask him to help support me.
  • Vailara
    Vailara Posts: 2,454 Member
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    Just personally speaking, I've found that the less I eat, the more likely I am to have disordered thinking and behavior around eating. It's one reason I've struggled with diets in the past, because they seem to be leading me into an eating disorder. It has helped me a LOT to eat the most that I can whilst still losing weight. That means that my weight loss is slow, but it's a small price to pay for not having the sort of symptoms you mention (and there are also other benefits, I'm sure, such as preserving muscle). 1200 calories would be too low for me, and I suspect it's too low for you. If I was you, I'd try eating more and see if the symptoms go.

    I also wonder if you really need to lose weight? It doesn't seem like you do according to your stats, so you could eat at your TDEE to maintain your weight, or not diet at all. I'm sorry if I'm saying something too obvious, but wondered if you felt you should be dieting for some reason? It might be something to think about.

    I hope you're getting help with your anxiety and depression too. Those can make it harder to deal with other things! Best of luck :).
  • Jude_V
    Jude_V Posts: 72 Member
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    I think Vailara is saying the same thing as me....so I'm glad you did the calculations and are going to give it a try. There are a lot of people on here (myself included) who didn't lose and didn't feel they could sustain a low calorie diet but started losing when they ate more - I am definitely less obsessed with food and have totally stopped over eating.

    Exercise-wise...I absolutely cannot say enough about yoga. It's strength training/weight lifting using your own body as resistance as well as toning, it will help you look long, lean and comfortable in your skin. It has the added benefit of being very good for your mind - the breathing fills your brain and body with oxygen and the relaxation exercises help you to be calm and meditate...

    See if Uni has some classes...or, see if your local game shop or video store has some cheap, beginner classes on DVD. Sometimes the DVD's are a bit hit and miss in terms of getting a good one but there are loads out there and they don't cost a huge amount. It's something you can do in 15 to 30 minutes every morning to start your day and you will feel great after a few weeks - you will also notice your body toning, changing shape and feeling healthier :)
  • succubaeangel
    succubaeangel Posts: 73
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    First of all: Hello there! If that's you in your picture, I'd say you are a very positive and beautiful person! :)
    I've struggled with your exact problem (minus the vomiting part as I couldn't make myself do it) for about a year until I started working out. Yoga helped me a lot. The days I did it, I didn't binge or starve and I was so much calmer. After a couple of months I was able to stop the meds I was taking for anxiety.

    As many told you in here, you'd better recalculate your calories as 1200 a day is too little for your current weight (which btw is normal! I'm also 63kg but I'm 165cm lol). For working out I suggest: 1) Yoga and Tai Chi. There are so many videos out there (free and non free) and personally I love Rodney Yee's videos and Tai Cheng. Yoga for dummies is the book that I started with.
    2) Zumba. I liked it because I could do it any time of the day even late at night. Check out the videos on youtube, there are a lot and very fun.

    Hope you get better! ^^
  • eryn2402
    eryn2402 Posts: 1 Member
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    To stop being hungry at night and then binging you need to eat more during the day. Maybe some protein for breakfast like eggs, maybe toast and eat regularly through the day. Even if you don't feel like it at first, the more you eat during the day, the less you will be starving at night and you will start to even out a bit.

    You are only 19 and figuring out your body and your life. Do you enjoy your study? Are you lonely? Is there something else motivating you to eat like this? Escape? Procrastination?

    What everyone else said is right. Eating more will help but filling your life up with something else that you love will help too. I'm not criticising. I've been there. Just reading your post made me think what it has felt like in the past when I have over eaten like that. It used to feel like I had poisoned myself and it would go on for days. Try and surround yourself with positive people and eat 'normally' if you can.

    The more you restrict your food intake, the more you trigger a stress response in your body which will make anxiety/depression worse. I wish you the best of luck.
  • FlaxMilk
    FlaxMilk Posts: 3,452 Member
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    Please consider talking to a professional about it. The vomiting monthly still indicates a true problem, so I think you are right to be afraid of developing a disorder. Prevention is key here, and since you are aware, this is the perfect time for you to seek help and not try to do this alone. (You are an adult, getting help doesn't mean you lose control of your body and your eating habits and your weight.) Good luck!
  • JesterMFP
    JesterMFP Posts: 3,596 Member
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    I would really recommend seeing your doctor about this. Even if you don't think you're "there" yet, this is definitely disordered eating, and they should be able to offer you some proper help. Good for you for reaching out. :flowerforyou:
  • onesongaboutagirl
    onesongaboutagirl Posts: 13 Member
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    Thanks again everyone!

    Having spoken to a few people, looks like the right idea might be to up my caloric intake, take up some toning exercise like yoga, and yes I think I will seek out counselling.

    As for people wondering why I've developed these habits, I'll give you a quick summary, mainly so you know to watch out if someone you know goes through something similar. I often wish someone would just ask me if the recent events in my life have impacted on my mental health in any way, so maybe you could be that person for someone else.

    Like I mentioned, I've had issues in the past with anxiety and depression. Until about mid way through last year, though, I pretty much had these under control after some very successful counselling. However, my home situation deteriorated very rapidly. My youngest brother got very into drugs and became increasingly hostile and eventually violent towards me. It got to the stage where I had to leave home very quickly because I feared for my physical safety. I've been living wherever I can find accommodation for about 6 months now, but I'm very lucky that my parents have been extremely supportive and have helped me find permanent accommodation I can move into some time within the next few months. Upon reflection, it was pretty much exactly when my brother started to become really bad that my old eating issues popped up again, so I suppose that was the trigger. I'm essentially a positive person though, I like to think, and there was a time when this would have caused me a whole lot more than just the eating issues I've mentioned. Not that I'm belittling how serious they can be, but luckily they've not reached a critical stage yet, and I feel able to seek help.

    Life is a wonderful thing though, and the community on here seems so incredibly supportive. Websites like these are an amazing tool for so many people, so thanks for being a part of that :)
  • dianamatienzo
    dianamatienzo Posts: 127
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    Dianamatienzo, thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like your boyfriend is a really positive influence! I've actually just started seeing someone, and I think the reason my issues have sort of popped up again is that I'm afraid that he'll lose interest in me if I gain some weight. But really, he's a wonderful guy and I don't truly believe it would bother him all that much at all! I guess I just need to try really hard to reign in my paranoia and anxiety, and if things go well with him, I'll let him know I've had some issues and ask him to help support me.

    Of course :) I figured since we're all here to help motivate each other, we should share things that can help others! I really hope things go well for you; it'll take time and so much work, but it'll be worth it! Especially being so young, we should prevent health issues and be grateful no major health concerns have popped up. We can do it! :)
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
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    You shouldn't be dealing with all this stress alone. Family problems and emotional situations can't be solved with diet. Australia has socialized medicine, doesn't it? You did well with therapy in the past. Maybe you can see the same therapist again.
  • TrailRunner61
    TrailRunner61 Posts: 2,505 Member
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    I would really recommend seeing your doctor about this. Even if you don't think you're "there" yet, this is definitely disordered eating, and they should be able to offer you some proper help. Good for you for reaching out. :flowerforyou:
    This^^ I know it's not easy to admit that you have a problem, but you're doing it for a reason. Even if you stop the binging and purging, the problem still exists. When I was anorexic/bulimic, I had no idea why I was doing it! Please get help. Once you learn how to cope with 'issues', it's a lot easier to maintain a healthy diet. You'll also be much happier.
    <hugs> from someone who's been there. Good luck.
  • myonlystrength91
    myonlystrength91 Posts: 9
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    I'm a recovered anorexic and bulimic.. Well, I say recovered, currently in a relapse which is why I've joined today to try and do things healthily instead of going back fully into full blown ED behaviors.

    Honestly, it does sound to me like you have an eating disorder, and right now it sounds like EDNOS. Seek support from friends/family (or if that's too scary feel free to chat to me on here). Losing weight the healthy way is so hard for me now, I wish I'd dieted instead of spending 13 years starving myself and binging/purging.

    You made a huge step in just admitting on here that you think there may be problems arising.

    *Big hugs*

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