Breaking the Cycle (Hopefully)

Hi all. Newbie here.

On the other hand, while I'm a newbie to mfp, I'm no stranger to the weight loss world. Like many of us (I'm sure), I've been trying to lose weight for years. My first distinct memory of dieting dates back to probably about 12 years old. Right now, I'm 29.

I have lost and gained and lost and gained the same 10 pounds for years, but every time I gain back the 10, I add a few extra. I know how to lose weight. I've lost weight successfully dozens of times. I just can't seem to keep it off, or keep the weight loss going beyond those 10 pounds, and every time I go through the yo-yo cycle, the next round of losing gets a little bit harder and harder.

I know all the common wisdom. I know all about plateaus, "starvation mode", calorie cycling, etc., etc. I even tried Jenny Craig once. Nightmare. I spent years on one of those other weight loss sites, and finally left because I couldn't stand some of the attitudes in the community part of the site, and I think that sense of support and camaraderie is important.

Anyway. About a year ago I decided I was fed up with trying to lose weight, and I wasn't going to weigh myself anymore, and I wasn't going to log my foods or whatever, and I was just going to "eat healthy" and "be active."

10 pounds gained later, here I am. Clearly, that didn't work out so well.

So, I begin again, but I begin with a sense of intense frustration and a slight feeling of hopelessness that this is just never going to happen for me. I hate the person that I become when I am trying to lose weight. I get obsessive, easily demoralized, cranky, and miserable. I hate the diet industry and everything it stands for - the continuous message that we aren't ever going to be good enough until we are thin. I don't even know if I care if I'm "thin" - I've never been what I would consider thin - I just want to be able to fit into my old clothes again. I am struggling with getting back into weight loss because, on the one hand, I know that gaining weight isn't healthy for either my mind or my body, but on the other hand, I hate this feeling that I'm being forced to conform to society's ideals of what it means to be visually acceptable in this world.

I don't want to be thin - I want to be strong and fit. I want to be confident. I want to be healthy. I'd rather have the body of a kick-*kitten* athlete than a waif-like model. I want to wear my old pants again (because if I keep gaining I soon won't be able to shop in regular stores, and that is super not cool with me). Most of all, just this once, I want to finally prove to myself that I can be something other than a failure when it comes to living a consistently healthy lifestyle. I'm tired of feeling like the only fat one in my family. I'm tired of spending twice as long getting dressed in the morning as I should need because item after item either doesn't fit or just doesn't look good. I'm tired of the semi-veiled comments from my family members about my size. I'm just tired of the whole damn thing.

So, here I am. Clearly, I need some encouragement. I promise I'm not always a downer like this, so let's be friends :-)