My Name is Lindsay and I'm a Food Addict - Day 10

hello, sorry i missed yesterday, my internet was not working. so things have been going ok, but i've been upset the last few days because i'm gaining weight. i know it's my fault, and i know why i'm gaining, but it just makes me so sad. not mad, or frustrated, but sad. this time last year, i was 305 pounds which is so embarassing to even write down. well, i stepped on the scale today and i'm 289. it's not my usual weigh in day, and i wont log until monday, but it makes me sad that in february of this year i was 267, and i just keep steadily climbing back up.

i know i eat too much. it's no shock to me why i'm fat.

i know i binge, and it's no shock to me why i'm gaining

i walk every single day, so i know i'm getting at least some exercise.

what worries me is that my body seem comfortable between 290 and 300. i feel gross and disgusting at this weight, but anytime i start to gain back, this is where i end up. from 2001 to 2007 i was 290 pounds, give or take a few pounds... so weird that i never went over 305. if i can gain weight and am obviously not eating well, why am i not 500 pounds?

anyhow, today is a sad day for me. i put on my pants, and they no longer fit...i've eaten fairly well for the last few days, but i did go for a bad lunch testerday, so that's not good. i haven't binged in several days and i'm happy with that, but obviously the changes i'm making are not doing anything, and are making more sad than i was before.

i know the process for change will take some time, and i'm a pretty patient person, but i am going to try to re-evaluate my goals and start smaller. here are the goals i am setting out for myself.

1. do not binge.
2. drink lots of water.
3. stop eating when almost full.
4. choose healthier options when eating out.
5. eat out only once a week. (i was going to say never, but in my job this is impossible)
6. other than walking to and from work, get in at least 20 minutes of walking 4 times a week
7. do something fun and active on the weekends, like swimming, playing golf, etc.
8. do not talk about food at work, and do not talk about how much i'm failing etc. do not let people's failures with their eating habits effect my eating habits.
9. do not discuss my goals with people who are saboteurs.
10. make sure i blog daily and journal in the evenings about my feelings etc.

i know it seems like alot, but the goals i had set out before were really immense and i thnk were a bit overwhelming for where i am in my journey.

so here is to today. i'm sad and am on the verge of tears, i don't want to go to work and i have major bloating and cramps. but i have to deal with today, and i have to take responsibility for the fact that what i put into my body effects how fat i am, and nothing about my body will improve if i don't carry out the goals i set out for myself. it's all fine and good to say i'm not going to eat badly, but when i eat badly despite my intentions, i sabotage everything i've done for the rest of the day. here we go.

no i didn't join... it's 17 bucks a week here. i'm on a limited budget and it's just too much for me... i am trying to follow the core plan for my food (other than when i eat out) and i really like the diversity of the things you can eat.... i just have to stop eating out so much. it's a huge hurdle since in my work there are alot of lunch meetings. i have find alternatives for that. i'm following the eating plan for core (except when i slip up) and getting support here for free, so it's definitely helping in that respect

right now (unless i binge) i spend about 15 bucks a week eating out... so you're right, i should take that money and put it towards the meetings... i'm going to see how things go this wekk... i've joined a few times before and only went for a couple weeks so i guess i'm weary... mind you, i did the flex plan those times...

double post, sorry