Parent advice on babysitter etiquette

tobejune
tobejune Posts: 177
in Chit-Chat
This is kind of long, bare with me, I'd love some advice or feedback.

My son is three and I've rarely needed a sitter but when I have, my best friends daughter (who's 15 now, 14 when she started sitting) has always been my first choice because not only does she have two little brothers my sons age and their family values are similar to my own, but my son knows and loves her. She's sat for us maybe a dozen times in the last year with no problems.

Last week though some things came up that I felt uncomfortable with (I actually posted about her using my computer). My concerns are that one of my sons toys was broken (according to him, she broke it, but he's three and has recently discovered the art of blame, and thus unreliable) and my son reported that she was using the computer while he was playing and while they were having dinner.

Now, the broken toy, no big deal, toys break, especially when boys are around. But I do think she should have mentioned it. As for the computer use, my rule (which I tell her every time she is here, and she has the same rule at her own home) is that she can use the computer after my son is in bed for the night (or nap), but not before. Really, all in all, not big issues.

So, I texted my friend and asked her to have her daughter call me this evening (she doesn't have her own cell phone or a home phone so this is my only means of communication) and she was really curious about why so I told her it was related to babysitting last week and no big deal. She kept questioning though so I told her the issues I had and what I intended to say to her daughter... something along the lines of, "I know you're babysitting for more and more families, thats great, Lachlan had fun with you but I wanted to remind you about my computer rule and ask you about the toy that broke. I'm not upset about the toy, it can be fixed, but it's nice to hear about these things because three year olds aren't always reliable!"

My friend was upset and offended that I planned to speak with her daughter before talking to her. My thinking was that they were very minor things and I've had a relationship with her daughter for 8 years, not to mention she is 15. My friend says I still should have come to her first and that's a standard, to keep the parents informed and let them make the decision if they should speak to her or I should. She then said that maybe her daughter shouldn't sit for us any more because it "felt awkward."

I don't have a teenager of my own and have only been a parent for 3 years, so I'm not going to pretend I know everything, I'm just going with my gut, here. But it seems like she's over reacting. Her daughter is 15, after all. When I was 15 and babysitting, I had clients call me directly, I don't think my parents were ever involved other than a friend asking them if I babysat and them giving out my number.

So... what's the norm here... has anyone had anything like this happen with a sitter and how did they handle it?
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Replies

  • Lisa1971
    Lisa1971 Posts: 3,069 Member
    I haven't had a problem with any of my sitters (yet!) but I would totally have handled it the same way you did. I see nothing wrong with going to the person directly to question what happened and to remind them of the computer use. If worse comes to worse then you might want to get a password for the computer so she isn't on it when she should be babysitting. I think your friend is definitely overreacting! Good luck and I also have a son who is 3!:smile:
  • hbrittingham
    hbrittingham Posts: 2,518 Member
    I think it's different because it's your best friend's daughter. If she were just some girl you had hired, I would say to speak directly to the girl, but since it's your best friend's daughter, that changes things in my opinion.
  • catrinaHwechanged
    catrinaHwechanged Posts: 4,907 Member
    I think you a both overreacting
  • knightreader
    knightreader Posts: 813 Member
    if the broken toy and computer use were really minor issues, you wouldn't be calling your sitter to discuss them.
  • TylerJ76
    TylerJ76 Posts: 4,375 Member
    I think you a both overreacting

    This.
    1000x this.
  • caspergirl7
    caspergirl7 Posts: 590 Member
    I think you a both overreacting

    This^^^ you already said this wasn't a big deal in your post so why even mention it?? just my opinion & yes i have 4 children : )
  • AuddAlise
    AuddAlise Posts: 723 Member
    I would have spoken to the parent first, especially since she's your best friend. So yes I would have been a little irritated that you were going to reprimand her without telling me about the situation first.
  • njmp
    njmp Posts: 277 Member
    I'm breaking the rules...not a parent. But I was a babysitter as many of us were. I have to say I think your friend is right and that you should have gone to her first. Just as a heads up. I don't think it should have come to the point that she doesn't think her daughter should sit for you anymore, but I can see why she's upset.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    Toys break. Teenagers love computers.

    I wouldn't have called her, or her parents. Instead, I would have recommended you remind her next time she came over to babysit about your computer use "rule" in a casual way if necessary.

    But now you have. I would just apologize to your BFF and explain you absolutely still want her daughter babysitting and will speak to her directly in the future to respect her wishes.
  • LittleMissNerdy
    LittleMissNerdy Posts: 792 Member
    There's no need for a "middle man." I think it should come from you, not from the mother. People can put their own spin on things (not saying she would) and it would be better and more clear if the talk came directly from you.
  • tobejune
    tobejune Posts: 177
    I think you a both overreacting

    lol... yes... possibly true. I'm not really super invested in the situation, I agreed to do things her way in the future, just looking for some perspective.
    I think it's different because it's your best friend's daughter. If she were just some girl you had hired, I would say to speak directly to the girl, but since it's your best friend's daughter, that changes things in my opinion.

    I sort of agree with you... which is another reason I posted this to get some feedback. She's not the only sitter I use and it made me realize I'm not super clear on what the norm is when something comes up I was to discuss. If it wasn't my friends daughter and I had this reaction I'd be like, well screw that, I'll find a different sitter if the parents are going to be so cray cray.

    if the broken toy and computer use were really minor issues, you wouldn't be calling your sitter to discuss them.

    Just because it's minor, it doesn't mean they shouldn't be addressed. And the toy thing is honestly more about getting the story of what happened so that I can hold my three year old accountable if he was doing something he's not supposed to be doing (the toy that broke is the cabinet door on his play kitchen which I've caught him swinging on in the past and he knows is a Big no-no).
  • catrinaHwechanged
    catrinaHwechanged Posts: 4,907 Member
    I'm just going to call it like I see it......if you made a post about it on an Internet forum, you are quite obviously invested. What did you want? For everybody to fawn over the situation and tell you you were right?
  • tobejune
    tobejune Posts: 177
    Toys break. Teenagers love computers.

    I wouldn't have called her, or her parents. Instead, I would have recommended you remind her next time she came over to babysit about your computer use "rule" in a casual way if necessary.

    But now you have. I would just apologize to your BFF and explain you absolutely still want her daughter babysitting and will speak to her directly in the future to respect her wishes.

    I did apologize and let her know I'd come to her first in the future and that her daughter is still our favorite choice.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    Toys break. Teenagers love computers.

    I wouldn't have called her, or her parents. Instead, I would have recommended you remind her next time she came over to babysit about your computer use "rule" in a casual way if necessary.

    But now you have. I would just apologize to your BFF and explain you absolutely still want her daughter babysitting and will speak to her directly in the future to respect her wishes.

    I did apologize and let her know I'd come to her first in the future and that her daughter is still our favorite choice.

    That's good. I think it'll blow over :)
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    I've never really trusted a teen with my kids when they were old enough to be baby-sat. The only ones that I did were either family or like family.

    She is overreacting, but at the same time, you don't have any way around this. That is her daughter and if she decides that she shouldn't baby-sit for you anymore, there really isn't anything you can do. She is only 15 and she has to respect her mother's wishes. But honestly, if your son is breaking toys and she didn't notice because she was on the computer, don't you think it might be time to find a new baby-sitter anyway?
  • tobejune
    tobejune Posts: 177
    I'm just going to call it like I see it......if you made a post about it on an Internet forum, you are unite obviously invested. What did you want? For everybody to fawn over the situation and tell you you were right?

    I'm not trying to start anything. I was honestly just looking for some opinions, maybe more insight into how my friend was thinking/ feeling about it, some advice on how to handle similar situations (with different sitters) in the future, should they arise.

    I'm a young single parent and readily admit I don't know much! I don't have many peers in real life to bounce these ideas and situations off. Hence the post.
  • JustJennie1
    JustJennie1 Posts: 3,749 Member
    I would be annoyed that she's disregarding your rule and using the computer when she is supposed to be watching your son. With that said I personally wouldn't let anyone use my computer -- teenager or adult. There's just too many personal and business items on all our computers for someone to go on there and compromise information and/or accidentally download a virus that wipes everything out.
  • tomomatic
    tomomatic Posts: 1,794 Member
    Hellooooooo Nanny cam.
    draft_lens17662422module148381895photo_1298876816Teddy_Bear_Nanny_Cam_Hidd

    You were already thinking about it. Just do it.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
    I would be annoyed that she's disregarding your rule and using the computer when she is supposed to be watching your son. With that said I personally wouldn't let anyone use my computer -- teenager or adult. There's just too many personal and business items on all our computers for someone to go on there and compromise information and/or accidentally download a virus that wipes everything out.

    Plus, she could find the porn collection...
  • swissbrit
    swissbrit Posts: 201
    I would never leave a small child with a 14/15 year old if an accident happened the risk of them being blamed because of their age is too large and the though of a near child having to live with the guilt if anything did happen for the rest of their lives is not worth the few$$$$$$$$$ that I would save
  • breeshabebe
    breeshabebe Posts: 580
    Please... don't be THAT lady. There's nothing worse than babysitting for someone who feels the need to question ones every move. If you have a computer rule, lock your computer. Toy being broken? Why would you even bring that up?

    I remember being 14 watching other peoples kids and feeling like I was being told on by their kids for everything I did - AND I WAS A GOOD KID! Would you be reacting this same way if it was her mother that had done those things? My bet is no.
  • LittleMissNerdy
    LittleMissNerdy Posts: 792 Member
    Please... don't be THAT lady. There's nothing worse than babysitting for someone who feels the need to question ones every move. If you have a computer rule, lock your computer. Toy being broken? Why would you even bring that up?

    I remember being 14 watching other peoples kids and feeling like I was being told on by their kids for everything I did - AND I WAS A GOOD KID! Would you be reacting this same way if it was her mother that had done those things? My bet is no.

    She explained why she was bringing the toy issue up. She said her son has a habit of mistreating that certain toy and she wanted to be able to correct him.
  • tobejune
    tobejune Posts: 177
    I would never leave a small child with a 14/15 year old if an accident happened the risk of them being blamed because of their age is too large and the though of a near child having to live with the guilt if anything did happen for the rest of their lives is not worth the few$$$$$$$$$ that I would save

    My neighbor is a very close friend and has a view of my house (I'm actually sort of in her back yard!) and I always let her know if I'm having a sitter and ask her to be on call if there's an emergency as she is so close. Likewise, my sitters know they can contact my neighbor or barge in through her back door if there's an emergency and they either aren't able to contact me or they need help immediately. So in that respect, I feel safe with the choice of a younger sitter.
  • MyOwnSunshine
    MyOwnSunshine Posts: 1,312 Member
    I think you're really overreacting about the toy. Toys break. Kids don't like to admit when they are at fault. Move on.

    As far as the computer, I don't really think that I would be allowing a teenager from outside my household to use my computer at all. Put a password on it. There is all kinds of mayhem to be made from someone else's computer, and I wouldn't want any part of that. I think she can watch TV instead.
  • PBsMommy
    PBsMommy Posts: 1,166 Member
    Eh, mother of a little girl that is just a little over a year old and all my baby sitters have been family members. However, one of those family members is a 16 year old, my sister, and she is no longer allowed to watch my daughter without my mother or father present, because she has a iPhone permanently lodged in her nose.

    I think if I was in that certain situation, I wouldn't have called. I would just have casually brought it up next time I saw her or the next time she babysat. And if it continued to be a problem and she ignored your rules, no matter how small or insignificant they may seem, I would find a new sitter. I would also casually bring it up that to let you know if anything breaks or if anything else unexpected happens. That you wouldn't be upset, you would just like to know what is going on.

    However, I don't think I would let her, or any one else play with my computer. Of course I have financial things and other important things that shouldn't be messed with on there. And even though everything is backed up and I have great anti-virus, I still don't want to pay to replace a hard drive or pay to get a new computer because she accidentally did something.

    Edited to add: I kind of see why the mother of the baby sitter was upset. I think it was just more like a misunderstanding. I think she blew it out of proportion, but I see how it could put her in mama bear mode.
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,228 Member
    Please... don't be THAT lady. There's nothing worse than babysitting for someone who feels the need to question ones every move. If you have a computer rule, lock your computer. Toy being broken? Why would you even bring that up?

    I remember being 14 watching other peoples kids and feeling like I was being told on by their kids for everything I did - AND I WAS A GOOD KID! Would you be reacting this same way if it was her mother that had done those things? My bet is no.

    She explained why she was bringing the toy issue up. She said her son has a habit of mistreating that certain toy and she wanted to be able to correct him.

    Yeah... but giving that she brought up the two issues in the same phone call, the girl's mom probably perceived that she was saying that the sitter wasn't watching him. That's kind of how I read the post. It's a bit of a misunderstanding. I don't know the girl's mom, but my concern is that she already went to the daughter and blew this whole thing out of porportion and probably made the poor girl think that the OP is mad at her.

    @OP - This conversation would have been better face-to-face. Maybe you can just go over and visit and try to clarify a little better. Make sure that they know that you wanted to know what happened to the toy because you suspect that your son is fibbing. I wouldn't bring up the computer at all unless you just decide that you would prefer her not to use your computer. But do your best to try and make certain they understand that the two issues are completely unrelated.
  • breeshabebe
    breeshabebe Posts: 580
    Please... don't be THAT lady. There's nothing worse than babysitting for someone who feels the need to question ones every move. If you have a computer rule, lock your computer. Toy being broken? Why would you even bring that up?

    I remember being 14 watching other peoples kids and feeling like I was being told on by their kids for everything I did - AND I WAS A GOOD KID! Would you be reacting this same way if it was her mother that had done those things? My bet is no.

    She explained why she was bringing the toy issue up. She said her son has a habit of mistreating that certain toy and she wanted to be able to correct him.

    Either way... bringing it up at the same time you reprimand her for being on the computer will put her in a place where she feels like she has to defend herself.
  • breeshabebe
    breeshabebe Posts: 580
    Please... don't be THAT lady. There's nothing worse than babysitting for someone who feels the need to question ones every move. If you have a computer rule, lock your computer. Toy being broken? Why would you even bring that up?

    I remember being 14 watching other peoples kids and feeling like I was being told on by their kids for everything I did - AND I WAS A GOOD KID! Would you be reacting this same way if it was her mother that had done those things? My bet is no.

    She explained why she was bringing the toy issue up. She said her son has a habit of mistreating that certain toy and she wanted to be able to correct him.

    Yeah... but giving that she brought up the two issues in the same phone call, the girl's mom probably perceived that she was saying that the sitter wasn't watching him. That's kind of how I read the post. It's a bit of a misunderstanding. I don't know the girl's mom, but my concern is that she already went to the daughter and blew this whole thing out of porportion and probably made the poor girl think that the OP is mad at her.

    @OP - This conversation would have been better face-to-face. Maybe you can just go over and visit and try to clarify a little better. Make sure that they know that you wanted to know what happened to the toy because you suspect that your son is fibbing. I wouldn't bring up the computer at all unless you just decide that you would prefer her not to use your computer. But do your best to try and make certain they understand that the two issues are completely unrelated.

    lol you beat me to it!
  • tobejune
    tobejune Posts: 177
    Please... don't be THAT lady. There's nothing worse than babysitting for someone who feels the need to question ones every move. If you have a computer rule, lock your computer. Toy being broken? Why would you even bring that up?

    I remember being 14 watching other peoples kids and feeling like I was being told on by their kids for everything I did - AND I WAS A GOOD KID! Would you be reacting this same way if it was her mother that had done those things? My bet is no.

    She explained why she was bringing the toy issue up. She said her son has a habit of mistreating that certain toy and she wanted to be able to correct him.


    Thank you, LittleMiss.

    I also talked about the computer thing a bit, too, though I'll add that there's never been an issue with her using it outside of my rules in the past and I'd hate to have to lock it when I know she doesn't have one at home to use online if a simple reminder would suffice. It's not an issue of mistrust. I trust her implicitly. It's just about communication. When I sat as a young teenager, I always made sure to give the parents a rundown anything that happened out of the norm. I don't think that's too much to ask.

    Incidentally, if my friend had been sitting I'm 100% sure she would have mentioned the broken toy. And I didn't intend to reprimand the sitter, just a very friendly reminder and getting more info about the toy. Also, I didn't question my son about what she did. He mentioned it to me in casual conversation, which is why this is all happening a week after the fact. Ideally, I would have noticed the broken toy and been able to find out the story the same day she babysat.
  • sizzle74
    sizzle74 Posts: 858 Member
    If the girl is old enough and mature enough to babysit your child, she is certainly old enough for you to go directly to her and not through her controlling mother. I mean really, what 15 year old doesn't have a cell phone???? I would not have her babysit anymore.

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