Dealing with 'unhelpful' friends

_Frankie_
_Frankie_ Posts: 36
in Health and Weight Loss
Now believe me, I LOVE my friends! - But sometimes they don't half scupper good eating intentions!

Scenario 1

My friend came over for dinner and a Game of Thrones marathon a couple nights ago - I text her and told her I'd be cooking something healthful, reasoning that I'd had an indulgent Easter weekend. She told me that was cool and came over - bringing with her a tonne of cheese and crackers. WHY, LIFE? I don't blame her for wanting to indulge - just because I'm a health freak doesn't mean she has to be. But scenarios like this do make it bloody difficult to eat healthfully! And don't tell me it's not hard to resist a plate full of cheese and crackers after a hard day of work and tired willpower! I could tell her I'm trying to lose weight I suppose - but since I'm technically at a healthy weight, people usually give me raised eyebrows.

Scenario 2

Same friend from the previous scenario, actually, plus one more. Both these friends (in fact, ALL my friends for some reason...) are very, very slim - not due to dieting, but seemingly they just have a very healthy relationship with food. Believe me, they seem to eat a never ending supply of cake! But they never seem to over-do it and only really appear to eat when truly hungry (this sort of intuitive eating is lost on me, for now. Binge eating for over 5 years has killed my hunger signals - calories are literally the only way I feel I can judge how much I should be eating).

Now frequently, friend A will come out with 'oh, I haven't even eaten anything today, I just forgot.' and friend B works at a hospital with very erratic shifts, so she'll come out with things like 'oh yeah, well I just skip breakfast and lunch sometimes, I'm just way too busy!'

I'm like WHAT.

These sorts of announcements are so triggering for me, and basically make me feel like a huge failure, eating wise. I couldn't even IMAGINE skipping breakfast OR lunch - my meals get me through the day! I just hate it when they say things like this... it makes me feel guilty for eating anything at all!

Advice for dealing with things like this?

Replies

  • TavistockToad
    TavistockToad Posts: 35,719 Member
    dont compare yourself to other people!

    do what works for you, dont worry so much about what they do!!

    plus, i dont think skipping breakfast and lunch is something that would work for me either, but a lot of people do IF which is the same thing, so each to their own!!
  • yksdoris
    yksdoris Posts: 327 Member
    Scenario 1: what were you planning on cooking? Because you can make a plate of raw veggies (carrot sticks, cauliflowr, cucumber) with a low-fat yoghurt dip that you can put beside the plate with cheese and crackers. It doesn't mean that you have your plate and she has hers, and you restrict yourself from touching ANY of the cheese... but when the option is in front of you, you can tell yourself "I choose to eat the healthy option. this time."

    Scenario 2: Unfortunately, this is something that's inside of you, that you need to work on. You can't change your friend's eating habits, but you CAN change your reactions whenever they say stuff like that. I think this is the more difficult scenario, and i wish you the best possible luck solving it - I know it's hard but every person's path to happiness is different so unfortunately I cna't give you a step-by-step plan :(
  • _Frankie_
    _Frankie_ Posts: 36
    @tavistocktoad - Thank you!

    Yeah I've tried IF before actually, I found it alright as long as I filled myself up on lots of veggies all day. However, I've decided that I'll only try IF again towards the end of my weight loss (10lb to go, something like that) as I reckon I'll hit a plateau at some point, and I don't want to drop my daily calories too low (never works for me!) I'd rather just fast for a day or two.
  • _Frankie_
    _Frankie_ Posts: 36
    @yksdoris - I ended up cooking a spicy mushroom and spinach risotto! Very healthy, only around 400 per serving - and the great thing about risotto is, doesn't half fill you up!

    That's a great idea though, I'm also a big fan of hummus so maybe I'll give that a try next time. I might well have tried to if I'd known she was bringing food along! Definitely something to think about next time - thanks a lot!
  • yksdoris
    yksdoris Posts: 327 Member
    @yksdoris - I ended up cooking a spicy mushroom and spinach risotto! Very healthy, only around 400 per serving - and the great thing about risotto is, doesn't half fill you up!

    That's a great idea though, I'm also a big fan of hummus so maybe I'll give that a try next time. I might well have tried to if I'd known she was bringing food along! Definitely something to think about next time - thanks a lot!

    Raw veggies have been my crutch all through my journey. I used to have a serious snacking habit - when reading, when watching a movie, when chatting wth friends... and of course it'd be something bad like potato chips or a nutmix or... well, you get the idea. But! you can eat half your weight in carrots and not go over 1200 kcal. And they're just as crunchy but taste fresher and don't make me so thirsty that I'll go for that next glass of wine or bottle of beer. Of course, the dip is usually the killer, lol. no guacamole or cheese dip for me, heh.

    Also, super-yummy without any dip: cucumber, cut into sort of logs, sprinkled with salt and pepper. fresh, low cal and yet they "feel" like you're having a treat.
  • maegmez
    maegmez Posts: 341 Member
    I'm really naughty about stuff like this.

    For unhealthy food coming into your house, set up that food as you normally would, don't eat it or eat it if its within your allowance....nothing wrong with a nibble but you have to be able to stop yourself. When they go to leave, wrap up her left over food and give it to her to take back. Say thank you but it will just go to waste here.

    Also, if I'm entertaining, I do try to serve a healthy treat and if there is any left over, again, I wrap it up for my guests to enjoy at their home.

    My goal is to enjoy my treat but get the rest out of the house.

    And I agree, you have to stop comparing yourself to others
  • babydiego87
    babydiego87 Posts: 905 Member
    At the end of the day, it's your issue, not theirs. You'll just have to deal with the fact that not everyone is actively trying to lose weight.
  • _Frankie_
    _Frankie_ Posts: 36
    Thank you all so much for the advice folks! Really does help see things in perspective.
  • Sqeekyjojo
    Sqeekyjojo Posts: 704 Member
    Would you be bothered if they brought in something you hated? No, because it's not your food.

    The cheese and crackers isn't your food either, it's theirs.

    You had your own food.
  • Mini_Medic
    Mini_Medic Posts: 343 Member
    I have noticed when I force myself to order a smaller portioned meal when out, or I mentally tell myself before preparing a meal, oh ill only have a small serving, or half a plate that when other food opportunities come I can still partake ad this way I get a large variety of food in a day, instead of eating a cheeseburger and being out of calories in one or two large meals.

    For example...
    I meet my boyfriend for lunch while he's on break from work, eat a bowl of soup, or split a meal with him. My BFF calls and wants to meet for frozen yogurt or coffee. I have a small amount of yogurt/1 cup of non fat latte/frapp etc. Then I go home and make dinner and only eat a small serving, such as 1 cup of lasagna or one taco. Then if I want a snack I can have some almonds or a granola bar.

    Pre health conscious me would always eat a big meal and justify to myself by saying, well now you aren't going to eat till dinner, load up! When I may have several opportunities to eat that I would want to partake in but now can't because I already ate to much to allow anything but dinner.

    The other thing would be skipping unneccessary food. If you know you are meeting someone for coffee, eat half your lunch and put it away or take it home. If someone brings something unhealthy you can have a little but only a little. I love eating a little bit of good at each eating opportunity because then I get to have that variety, not feel like I'm flavor deprived with only eating two big meals a day.
  • _Frankie_
    _Frankie_ Posts: 36
    Would you be bothered if they brought in something you hated? No, because it's not your food.

    The cheese and crackers isn't your food either, it's theirs.

    You had your own food.

    H'okay just chill out, right? She brought it over to share, because she's nice. Friends do that! I'd already said I didn't blame her for bringing it over - she's not the one counting calories! I was simply mulling over the fact that these sort of scenarios prove a little difficult when you're trying to be good, food-wise.
  • Sqeekyjojo
    Sqeekyjojo Posts: 704 Member
    Would you be bothered if they brought in something you hated? No, because it's not your food.

    The cheese and crackers isn't your food either, it's theirs.

    You had your own food.

    H'okay just chill out, right? She brought it over to share, because she's nice. Friends do that! I'd already said I didn't blame her for bringing it over - she's not the one counting calories! I was simply mulling over the fact that these sort of scenarios prove a little difficult when you're trying to be good, food-wise.

    Sorry, you misunderstood.

    It wasn't your food. It was hers. Tell yourself that and whatever she brings won't bother you. Because it's hers and not yours.

    That way you won't be stressing online about how hard she unwittingly made it for you, you won't have given it another moments thought. You can go back to either understanding or being completely confused (my usual state of affairs) after watching GoF for six hours. :)
  • Griffin220x
    Griffin220x Posts: 399
    I could tell her I'm trying to lose weight I suppose - but since I'm technically at a healthy weight, people usually give me raised eyebrows.

    Tell them you're trying to lose FAT.
  • SarahBeth0625
    SarahBeth0625 Posts: 685 Member
    I feel like a huge slob when I go to my mom's house and eat one of her yummy creations (she could seriously have her own show; she comes up with amazing things from scratch). In the end, it's a new day the next day.

    I get comments all the time: "you don't even need to lose weight; you're skinny already."

    Ugh, it's not about "being skinny" or "skinny fat"... it's about being FIT! Fit is a lifestyle, one I'm committed to -- it's not something where I get to a goal and stop.

    That sounds so good, I think I'm going to make it my quote. LOL. ;)
  • AlayshaJ
    AlayshaJ Posts: 703 Member
    You are your problem, not your friends.
  • willdob3
    willdob3 Posts: 640 Member
    It doesn't bother me when people around me are eating junk. I guess I'm lucky in that respect. I make a point of letting friends & family know I want them to go ahead & eat whatever they want even though I am not indulging.

    If they offer to share I just say no thanks, or I'm full or something similar. Sometimes I have to repeat it a few times but eventually they stop. To be honest, I don't give dieting as my reason. I have no plans to add junk food back in ever, at any weight. I've become extremely picky about the quality of food that I put in my body.
  • hannakengu
    hannakengu Posts: 79 Member
    Next time, figure out the menu in advance (as in find out if your friend is planning on bringing something), or just simply squeeze in an extra workout that day (or the next day if you don't know about the food before it shows up at your door) and allow yourself to have a portion. Or maybe allocate some extra calories for the event so you can just go and have some of the good stuff if you feel like it - and then if you have the willpower to say no, feel like the absolute winner. Even if you do end up eating up and using the calories set for that, you'll still feel like a winner for being smart and having a game plan.
  • gabriellejayde
    gabriellejayde Posts: 607 Member
    Your friends don't have to help you. you have to help you.
    How you eat shouldn't concern them, good or bad, just like you shouldn't care what they eat. There will always be temptations ("triggers") in life. How you perceive them and deal with them determines your weightloss success.
  • Imadarkswan
    Imadarkswan Posts: 113 Member
    Scenario 2 just kills me!!!
    My hubs is like that and tells me all the time that he forgot to eat or did not have time to eat.
    Good Gosh I MAKE time to eat. I look forward to eating.
    After breakfast I think about what I am having for lunch and after lunch I think about what I am having for supper.
    He loves to eat just as much as I do but the difference is he eats to live and I live to eat. No shocker there since I have been using this site to aid in my weight loss, but he is one of those skinny people to.

    I do have lots of friends who are like yours as well. I pretty much just make sure that I have tasty things that I enjoy eating and let them have what they want. I know that I am making healthier choices for myself and am happy with it.
  • peopletalk
    peopletalk Posts: 519 Member
    i actually wondered how some of my girlfriends were so skinny when i see them eat all the time. i was always jealous and always felt like a fat failure.
    then we were drunk one night, and 2 of them admitted to being bulimic.

    yeah, everyone has there own problems. but i no longer was jealous of their figures because i know they're not healthy.

    everyones different and everyone has their own crutches. but just do it in a healthy way, and you'll feel 10x better about yourself!
  • aNewYear123
    aNewYear123 Posts: 279 Member
    For Scenario 1 - If I am going over to someone's for dinner I feel like I should bring something. I usually ask what I can bring, but if you don't ask/tell me to bring something specific that you want then I will usually bring something I pick that is not dinner food. It would probably be an appetizer, wine, or dessert. Basically it is a hostess gift - bringing something nice since you are going through the trouble and expense of cooking for me. If she does this often, start asking for 'help', like "I am cooking but would you please be willing to bring a veggie tray", or pick something else that is more diet friendly.

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