Here is the real me. (Mental illness)

PaigeAnderson100 · April 2013

I am here to tell a million strangers about my life and to pour my heart out to you and confess that I am no longer in denial. Trust me, I know this will be long and half of you who look at this first line will say "screw it" and click back to the motivation and support page. That's fine. I just need support and someone who will listen to me.

I am going to start at the beginning of life, my mom was a crack and speed addict. She didn't care who was around or what time of day it was, she always got her fix no matter what. She stayed sober for my pregnancy and got right back to it when I was a day old. She had me at 19 years old and struggled a lot financially. She was a nursing assistant who made good money but, allowed all of her money to go to rent (thank god), herself and her addictions.. All of those addictions cost her nearly $200 a day....on a good day. She one night, left me in my crib to go next door and party in the apartment building that we were living. My grandmother decided to come and see me since I was 6 weeks old and she hadn't seen me yet. I was laying alone in my crib sobbing. My grandma picked me up and brought me home with her. A week went by and finally she heard from my mom, wondering if my grandma had seen me anywhere. Disgusting. My grandma said yes and needless to say, got custody of me.
I needed my mom in my life though... She came around for Holiday's and very quickly made her mark in my heart. She was my mom and she was AMAZING. She brought me candy, she told me stories and she was there for me. I thought that my mom was my best friend. "Bye paige, I love you" that's what she said right before she left for a year and a half without warning. She went to Mexico to fulfill a relationship (another one) and she was doing drugs again. She came back when I was about 10 and swore she didn't mean to leave. I have hated her ever since than. She got clean when I was 14 and married a man, they now have a one year old who they adore- my brother. I adore him as well.
I was 15 years old and I had my first boyfriend. We dated for a while before he shot, stabbed and abused me. It took a while but, I got out of that relationship. Rather than being like some girls who are in abusive relationships, I came out on the bottom. I was not stronger, I was weaker. I dated again later, I was cheated on. I than dated again a few months after that relationship and was cheated on. What was wrong with me? My mom left me, I never knew my dad, I am sad all the time, I don't really know who I am, I was abused brutally, I have been cheated on multiple times and I can't keep a guy In my life. It must be because, I am ugly, stupid and fat.
At 17 years old I was saved from an idiotic suicide attempt. I jumped off of a 40 foot cliff and was taken immediately to the Emergency Room where I was admitted into the psych ward. I was there for about 3 months all together and learned nothing. When I got out, I decided to party and I decided to disobey everyone who came into my life but, especially the people who were always there for me. (my grandparents). I ran away and met a guy in a small town, I moved in with him and started my life. We got engaged and were engaged for 3 months before we found out that we were expecting. He got a job, I worked on my mental health, we got our own place and we thrived.
I am now still engaged to this wonderful man, we have a beautiful 3 month old daughter, Journey but, I struggle daily. I was 205 pounds in the 5th grade. I am 236 pounds now and I have dropped 48 pounds of pregnancy weight.
Needless to say, I have depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, body dysmorphic disorder and bipolar disorder. I am screwed up in the head, sure tell me differently- I already know the truth. I was put on lamictal 2 months ago and told Mark (my fiancé) that I was taking it regularly. I lied. He found out 2 days ago that I was lying to him about it. 56 pills in the bottle.... 60 were in there when I got it. Ok so, I didn't take it. Why? I fear the unknown. I don't know what it will be like to be happy, normal or even sane for that matter. I am trying to lose the weight and I do good at it until I lose all motivation and decide that I "can't do it" a few days out of the months. Please read on-

I was in denial. I put up a front. I abused my fiancé physically and he is miserable. He tells me that he can't even watch tv without thinking that I am looking at him suspiciously for looking at other girls (true), He can't have friends because I will think the worst (true), He can't talk to another girl whether it be hello or how are you (true). The list goes on. Why does he stick around? Because he loves me. I wouldn't put up with any of that. It's almost been 2 years since we have been together and he has stuck around for nearly 730 days of my constant insecurities, self esteem issues, abusive actions, accusations and more. I am a sweet, confident girl under all of this. Why can't I stop? I need help!!! I can't stop thinking horrible things, I can't allow myself happiness and I know that it's my mental illness because, I TRY SO HARD! So damn hard. Daily, I try to switch my mind to a different subject, I try to talk about the situation, I try and try and try and try and try and try and try but, I am torn apart daily. I hate myself, I hate how I look, I hate how I act, I hate the front that I put up, I hate that I am scared, I hate that I want to die half of the time. I have the most beautiful daughter and she deserves a happy, healthy and secure mommy.... where is that woman?
I have my lamictal in the kitchen and I plan on taking it tonight. I need help. No one understands how I feel, I feel unwanted every day. He calls me perfect and beautiful on a daily basis and I think that he's cheating or leaving me, I can't continue to cry myself to sleep, I can't continue to make him miserable and I refuse to let my daughter think that any of this is ok. I am putting my guard down and I am throwing my hands up in the air- I NEED HELP!!! I need to take my medication no matter how scared I am, I need to learn how to talk about things, I need to love myself, I need to prove my love to Mark, I need to continue being a good mom, I need to follow through with therapy appointments, I need to find hobbies or activities that make me happy.

I NEED HELP! I am stupid for not taking the medication and allowing myself to reach this point of mental illness. I should be happy, motivated, smiling and all together but, I'm not. I am a mess. I walk around with my hands in my pockets, makeup plastered around my eyes, makeup covering all of my facial scars, my chin down and slouched because, I AM DEPRESSED. I AM SAD. I AM HURT. I AM SCARED. I AM UPSET. I AM ANGRY. I am so damn angry, scared and sad. I hate what my mom did to me, I hate how my ex treated me when I didn't do anything wrong, I hate myself for constantly pushing Mark away despite how much I love, adore and care for him, I hate how I act on a daily basis and I just hate everything about me. I need to seek help. I need to find a stabilizer. I need something normal. I want to be able to watch tv with Mark without accusing him of checking other girls out, I want to know that Mark is himself around me, I want to live with no regrets from here on out, I want to be happy, I want to lose the weight, I want to be Paige again. I remember running around smiling for no reason. I used to make people mad just because I was never sad or upset about anything. What happened to me? I am a mess.
I will say it one more time-
I AM SAD
I AM MAD
I AM SO ANGRY
I AM DISAPOINED
I AM UPSET
I AM SO SCARED
I want to scream those words into the ears of those that I have hurt. My grandma, my papa, my fiancé... they all deserve to know why I act the way I do. I have my guard up, I don't trust, I am mean and I am just down right horrible. I want them to know how I feel, that I love them more than anything and I never want any of them to give up on me.

This letter was just what I needed to kick start my recovery program. I will take my medication, I will go to therapy and I will open up no matter how hard it is for me. Not only for my daughter who deserves the best life, not only for Mark who deserves happiness but, for me who deserves happiness and life. I can do this but, I need help. I need friends, I need support, I need someone who understands and I needed to get this off of my chest. Now, I need a Kleenex.

Thanks for listening, if you did. Thank you.

sbetts2229 · April 2013

Strength you have in abundance. Dont doubt yourself and excell!

thebzax · April 2013

I am wishing you all the luck, love and happiness in the world. You definitely deserve it.

shalma · April 2013

You can be happy. This is a good start to make a life change! It stinks that you have had such a rough life but you can change the path for the better. Be strong!

Crochetluvr · April 2013

If you have come through all that, you can make it the rest of the way. Have you expressed all these sentiments to Mark? I think you should. Don't be afraid to lean on someone....especially someone who cares for you. Its obvious you have trust issues, but if the man didn't care, he would have been gone ages ago. Good luck with your therapy and your weight loss!

KCGettinFit2014 · April 2013

You cannot be a good mother or a good significant other if you do not love yourself. You MUST go through therapy and take your medications if its prescribed to save yourself from yourself. You can't change what has happened to you, but you can change how you process it and how you chose to live your life. Be strong. You are okay. It will be okay.

autumnlily31185 · April 2013

Here is a group for others like you (& me) for Mental Health support as well as weight loss, fitness, etc. http://www.myfitnesspal.com/groups/home/13320-mental-health-support

For someone who has struggled with meds in the past, trust me and take them, a lot of these feelings will go away when you are on the right amount of meds. Also, above all, go to therapy. It is by far the most important choice that I have made in my life. You need someone that you trust to talk to and help you get through some of these issues.

Good for you for taking the first steps and coming on this site, I wish you all of the best luck in your health and fitness goals.
Feel free to add me to your friends list

RiverDancer68 · April 2013

No...thank you for sharing that...I am crying with you (and for you-especially that little girl that didn't understand why everyone in her life kept leaving her). Take the meds!!! You are allowed to feel happy...in fact you need to feel happy because you have a wonderful man and beautiful daughter that need you to love yourself. I have PTSD and found a great therapist that specialized in treating it, and it helped me a lot (though I still have my days). I took the meds, they saved my life! When you are so used to feeling like crap, feeling "normal" it is rather strange....but you will get used to it!! Happiness isn't scary, it is amazing! You are not allowing yourself this because you are "safe" where you are, and the thought of change is overwhelming and terrifying....but you are strong...stronger than you know (to post your story for all to see took a lot of guts)! Feel free to add me as a friend, if you want :flowerforyou:

RHOyalT · April 2013

Thank you for sharing your story. That was a really brave thing to do. Please take your medication and seek counseling. You owe it to your daughter and fiance', but most importantly, you owe it to yourself! You're stronger than you think!

djc315 · April 2013

Forgive yourself.
Forgive your mom.
Forgive your ex.

Apologize to your fiancé, and your grandparents. And to yourself. And to your daughter.

Paige, you are strong. You are. You will overcome this.

Paige, start taking your meds, RIGHT NOW. They help. Allow them to help you, allow yourself to help yourself. None of what happened is your fault, stop trying to punish yourself for other peoples mistakes. There is nothing wrong with you, Paige, nothing at all. If you can't bring yourself to take the meds for you, think about your daughter. Think about how you want to be better for her, and raise her better than you had it. You are already doing that, so take it another step and take care of yourself. Please.

roadmapmaker · April 2013

Hang in there please. You are deserving of a great future. Nothing is ever too late or too hard to overcome. Just take it an hour, a minute, a second of time one moment at a time and things will ebb and flow. Here is wishing you find that peace that gives you the strength to carry and hold your family together in love and acceptance. We all have faults but we need to rise above them. Love and Light to you!

TesselCat · April 2013

This post was a brave first step. I agree with the other replies you've gotten. Especially letting your fiancé really understand where you're coming from. Maybe let him read this post? Print it out, leave it for him to read? Something that will help him to understand what is going on inside your brain. I've been on the other side of this from you, and while I can't imagine how you feel, I do know that it is also hard for Mark. Try to let him in on all this. You are going to get through this, just take it one step at a time. :flowerforyou:

junejadesky · April 2013

You are on the same path of self destruction that your mother was on. You HAVE to forgive yourself for feeling the way you do and get some professional help. You are pushing EVERYONE away just like your mother did to you so you need to stop the cycle or your daughter will suffer the same fate.

You are worth it.
You are strong.
Your fiance loves you.

If you have been perscribed medication you need to take and give it a chance. Things will never change overnight. It is hard to change your thought process, but that is what you must do or you will never change and never be happy. You say that you try again and again and again... you have to just keep doing that. When negative thougts arise... acknowledge them, don't run from them. Say to yourself... ok... here I am thinking negatively... what is fact and what is fiction? You are making up stories about yourself that simply are not true. You have to acknowledge and understand the difference and that is a way to break through the cycle.

Of course you are overweight because you have build a protective shield around yourself and won't let anyone crack it and won't let anyone truely in. (I speak from experience)

My advice? Start a gratidue journal... EVERY DAY write 3 things in your journal ABOUT YOURSELF that you are greatful for.... great mother? great friend? the list can go on and on... you just have to allow yourself to speak from your heart in a different way.

Here is a start: You strive to be a higher version of yourself EVERY DAY (that is a pretty powerful statement that not everyone can make!!) BE PROUD AND CELEBRATE HOW FAR YOU HAVE COME!!!

Finally.... forgiveness forgiveness forgiveness.... of yourself.... Forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made... you are only human. We forgive others when they hurt us don't we? Forgive yourself and let the healing begin!!!

(one more finally) next time your fiance tells you that you are beautiful..... say thank you....

Good luck on your journey... remember the power to change is within.... start letting others in and your true self will come out.

LisaLamb1 · April 2013

Thank you for sharing your story - very brave of you. I can't offer any help, I can offer support if you would like. I know mental illness, my Mom and brother both suffer from Bi-Polar disorder. I hope you are able to get some real help, if I may suggest asking your doctor if there are any support groups where you can go to talk to other people who have been through similar experiences (abuse, abandonment, anger issues...). I suffer from an addiction, and although I have had help and support from family - the only thing that worked for me was surrounding my self with others who have walked in my shoes, I go to 2 -3 meetings a week, and have done so since September 9th 2010 - just having a safe place, where I can say what I want, the bad things I have done, the anger I felt, without being judged - well, it saved my life. People do what they know until they know better. Admitting to everyone your areas of struggle are a great start. I used to question why my husband stayed with me also- I had ruined his life and I had gained so much weight I don't even look like the same person anymore, but now, I don't question his love, I accept it, because I am a person worthy of love - I never felt that way before. I hope you can find something that works for you - you sound like a strong, intelligent, articulate person who has a lot to live for (I love your daughter's name BTW!) If you would like to add, please feel free to do so, again, I can't help, but I can listen. Lisa

Shawnzgirl78 · April 2013

Acknowledging it is the first step
You are right, taking the meds will help you
You are not stupid
TODAY you are loved by people that truly matter
You don't deserve to live like this any more!

HeinzPrincess · April 2013

You can do this. YOU CAN! You are so brave for posting it, but remember that person you were doesn't have to be who you always are.

SlvrBluGoddess · April 2013

That took a lot of internal (emotional & mental) strength to write that. You should be proud of yourself. Most people can't be that honest with themselves.

With this first step taken you are on your way to a good future. I hope you find all that you are looking for and deserve - for your daughter, your fiance, your family, and most importantly yourself.

Brightest blessings on the path you take. :flowerforyou:

TraceyG1971 · April 2013

You've definitely been hurt and are no longer willing to trust, not even yourself. You aren't trusting yourself to love completely. You hold yourself back. The abuse you have suffered over the years is in no way your fault. Maybe you should concentrate more on the positives in your life, i.e. your baby that loves you, your man that loves you, your grandparents that love you. Don't dwell on the past since there is nothing that you can do about how others have treated you. It's not your fault. You need to learn to trust again. What others have done to you, don't hold it against your fiance, he didn't do it. It will take time to heal but you need to allow yourself to love others and yourself. Look to the future and forget the past. The past is just that, the past. It's over and done with and you can't go back and change it. Live for the now. Best of luck to you!!!

SophieA9083 · April 2013

I was in denial. I put up a front. I abused my fiancé physically and he is miserable. He tells me that he can't even watch tv without thinking that I am looking at him suspiciously for looking at other girls (true), He can't have friends because I will think the worst (true), He can't talk to another girl whether it be hello or how are you (true). The list goes on. Why does he stick around? Because he loves me. I wouldn't put up with any of that. It's almost been 2 years since we have been together and he has stuck around for nearly 730 days of my constant insecurities, self esteem issues, abusive actions, accusations and more. I am a sweet, confident girl under all of this. Why can't I stop?

Firstly this seems to me like self sabotage, I do it, we all do it. I haven't had a bad up bringing but my mum has severe health issues and I witnessed my parents divorce but I can really relate to a lot of what you are saying. In your shoes I would not take the "happy pills" but you might find that taking them will allow you to seem "happy" so that the next time you experience this feeling without taking the medication you may notice it!, take note of it and think why do I feel like this? and write it down immediately, slowly you will build up a picture of what makes you happy!

Get into a habit of doing things during the day like at lunch go for a walk with the baby to get some fresh air, improve fitness and it will elevate your mood levels as a result of all three.

Make sure your eating enough food and the right foods- food and sugar levels have a lot to do with mood and hormonal production, it may take a while and small changes will slowly appear!

Nothing happens over night!

As for the section I quoted earlier, I am a self sabotage. I will self sabotage myself because I am afraid of failure, disappointment and not having anything other than perfect. I will work myself up into a frenzy before my performance or my lesson with my teacher or in my personal practice where I will stop myself before the mistake happens- it has got that bad but I have started to learn to play through that and the mistakes and slowly I am improving. When I am riding horses I get worried about falling off and start to tense up and before I know it my horse is uncontrollable because all he can feel is a very tense angry Sophie! So I had to learn to control my emotions and trust him and myself that I would not fall off and if I did I wouldn't fall off the same way again!

Visualisation is a good thing to start thinking about. Be positive, its hard when you are stuck in the darkness and you think your batteries have run out in your flash light but if you take them out and put them in again there is often a little bit left, so when your feeling low, rather than wallowing in self pity try to find that little bit of juice- oooh my eyes are a beautiful shape or I am happy with how my hair looks or perhaps wow the sun is shining today, small details help make bigger pictures! I could go on and on for hours like this, your child can be inspiration but the only one who can help you is you at the end of the day. The people around you can only offer you support, I can also sympathises with you regarding your partner as I have a mental disorder and have been violent, nothing serious but it always worries me- i worked hard to not be violent and I talked to my partner about this and he can't even remember it- he thought I was talking rubbish until I reminded him! I also get incredibly jealous, that is a mixture of my disorder, my trust issues stemming back to my parents divorce and that I am just a very jealous person.

I am here for you if you need me or would like to talk to me about anything, even if it is just a bit of a gossip

omes99 · April 2013

I first would like to say that you have a beautiful baby girl. It takes a lot of courage to admit all the things that you just posted and to me that it is a positive step. You are realizing what you need to fix in your life, that is awesome. You just have to take one step at a time. I use to be a person that suffered from depression and at time I would fall back into my depression. I stop and realize that I have my beautiful daughters who are in good health, a husband that loves me no matter what and myself. I know it is hard to snap out of the bad days but once I start like feeling like that I just look into my childrens eyes and realize that I have to be strong for them. I do not want them to have a difficult chidhood like I experienced. My life and hardships are for my beautiful girls. They deserve the world and more and that is my motivation. Also, I take a walk sometimes by myself if possible. Just like a 10 minute walk. It helps me clear my head and be rational. You deserve to better yourself, your baby deserves it and your fiance that has been by your side deserves it. It will be a difficult road and it will not be easy at times, but you will get there! I wish you the best and if you are religious look for HIM when you need the encouraging words also.

SophieA9083 · April 2013

You can do this. YOU CAN! You are so brave for posting it, but remember that person you were doesn't have to be who you always are.

Well said!

supplemama · April 2013

This site has an amazing message board for those with mental illness:
http://crazyboards.org

Best of luck to you! (((Hugs)))

JTS_go · April 2013

Knowing it's going to take help, asking for help, and accepting help are all really important steps that you're already taking. I'm a huge proponent of therapy, and I'm so glad to see that you're going. Be honest with your therapist, take medication as scheduled, report any difficulties from it, and I believe you'll keep going in the right direction and keep recovering.

You deserve love. You deserve to feel good about yourself again. And you deserve to be free of the negative impulse thoughts that you've been having.

PaigeAnderson100 · April 2013

Thank you to everyone who said kind words!

It is nice to know that I am loved by some friends and some strangers!! Thank you.

supplemama · April 2013

I'm going to send you a friend request, because I understand your struggle. I've been there, I've experienced severe childhood trauma, extreme domestic violence as a young woman, and subsequent mental illness. However, my life now is AMAZING and I've been stable for many years now. I believe you can have this too! :flowerforyou:

FLCANDI81 · April 2013

I don't even know you... but I have faith in you. You can do it. I promise, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I am praying for you.

helyla · April 2013

I have faith in you. It was a huge step to come on here and spill your guts about everything. Do what you know is right, what will be best for you, your daughter, and your new family and all will be well. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. And your more than welcome to friend me on here for support :flowerforyou:

joleenl · April 2013

You are strong and brave more then you know. It takes an amazing person to admit and come clean about their wrong doings and the role they played in their life when they've had a ****ty one. Thankfully you are alive. Being alive means its never too late to change things. You can't change the the past part of story but you can change the future. I hope you get the help you need. I hope you find the happiness you seek, I suggest you look internally because people can hurt us but we control our feelings and thoughts (the medication should help this too). Good luck in the future. I hope you find peace with the past so that you can have a better future. All the bad things that you have encounter have brought you to this point, this moment. Its hard to say if you would have the blessings that you do have with out going through what you went through. Your blessings are your grandparents, your child, your fiancé, and (now that she's not a slave to her addiction) your mom. Remember when you are mad at your mom, she too suffers from a mental illness from her addictions. If she can change so can you. Sometime our pasts are brutal so our future can be bright. We must learn from ****ty events and use the knowledge to change our future. It's all up to you. You can spend your life being sad about your past and blaming the past. Or you can spend your life in the present and look forward to the future.

cuterbee · April 2013

When we become parents, it's really, really easy to be parents just like our parents were, because that's really the only example we have.

It takes mindfulness to avoid the mistakes our own parents made, but it is something you can do -- it takes thinking through your words and actions. Even if you can't always do it right at the moment; you can always apologize if you messed up (I did -- and it was something my kids very much appreciated as well as teaching them that it's OK to take responsibility for your own actions).

Good luck, and take your medication!

ShellyAnn46 · April 2013

Paige,
My stepdaughter is 32 & had never really dealt with anxiety, depression, & past unhappy events of her life. I will share with you that just today she has finished an intense outpatient program. She needed to do this for her two little boys which sadly they are developing or have some of the problems they have watched her go through. You don't want your daughter to struggle. Please do what you have to complete your healthy journey. You deserve it, your child deserves you, & your fiance' deserves good too. Advice to my stepdaughter was we cant pick our parents but we can pick our legacy & live happy & healthy.
Add me as a friend if you like. I am glad to support you. I also have depression so i understand some of those issues too.

mcharping · April 2013

Just for the record I took the time to read your story. Your ability to communicate tells me you are very intelligent. I have been through depression and even cancer. I'm here to tell you that you can work through it. It's not easy but it sounds like you are getting it together and making some positive steps.

I don't know if it's available in your area but Cognitive Behavior Therapy will help you to identify and work to correct irrational thoughts. Sounds like you have a lot of thoughts about yourself that are not true. Keep working on your recovery and I look forward to hearing your continued recovery. I'm on your side.

Here is the real me. (Mental illness)

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