They mean well...right?

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SammyLynn010
SammyLynn010 Posts: 293 Member
in Motivation and Support
I went to lunch with my friends after church, like we always do... I ordered something low calorie and when I got my food my friends started to comment. "Don't just push it around--eat it." ... And it was all down hill from there... "Are you eatting 1200 calories?" ... "You are SOO tiny, you are getting too tiny."

Of course I clammed right up and didn't say anything like I always do. Most of my very close friends are big women--they mean well I know...but I wonder why they have to be so critical of me. I am not unhealthy--this is the healthiest that I have ever been in my life. And my BMI is no where near under weight--nor do I look like skin and bones. (you can check my photos if you question it, lol)

After lunch was over she said "Sam, I was just kidding around with you." ... And I let it all go---4 months of frustration of people assuming I am starving myself and telling me that I am losing too much weight... I told her that it was very frustrating to have EVERYONE gang up on you. If you are concerned about someone you should never do it in a group setting like that--it does nothing but make the person feel attacked and completely in the wrong. I AM DOING NOTHING WRONG... i eat too much and have bad days--but they are becoming smaller in number-- I have really good days mostly -- where I get all my veggies and drink all my water.

I know they love me and are concerned, it just does not good to publically attack me about my weight. Yes--to you I might look okay and be what you think I should be... but to me I'm just not there yet. I don't plan on becoming unhealthy. That is why I joined this site to stay healthy and not purposely starve myself--

I know that I am just as guilty as anyone for doing this, and I am vowing to become more aware of it... Just because I think someone looks great doesn't mean they are happy with themselves. That is what this journey has been for me--learning to love myself and what I have. I am learning every day that I beauitful and no -- I don't have to be thin to feel that way-- but it sure does help!

Sorry to vent on you all--but it was just a rough day for me after that... and I over endulged a bit but not too much-- ... Tomorrow is a new day and success will happen!

Thanks for listening!

Replies

  • lisa_08
    lisa_08 Posts: 16
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    You did the right thing by telling her how you feel about the situation. They should be more supportive of you and what you are trying to do, but they might be jealous of your success. Keep that in mind when they start in on you and maybe ask if they would like to work out with you or go for a walk.

    Everyone has bad days. I just had a horrible weekend, food wise. Family get togethers are so tough for me bc my entire family is bigger. Don't beat yourself up about it. You are right, tomorrow is another day. Stay strong and focused and you'll get there.
  • 4lafz
    4lafz Posts: 1,078 Member
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    You said it in your second paragraph. Most of your really good friends are big women. Sometimes people, even those that love you, say things to make themselves feel better. If you feel good about what you are doing, say so! "I love you guys but I wish you would not target my recent weight loss, especially in a public setting. I feel really great about what I have done and am the healthiest I have ever been. Be happy for me!"
  • trainguy917
    trainguy917 Posts: 366 Member
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    As a fellow West Virginian, I know how you feel. We have an unhealthy culture on our hands. Too much fat, too much sugar, not enough exercise, all ingrained in us by family tradition. When you go against that, it's threatening to the people around you.
  • natspoiledbrat
    natspoiledbrat Posts: 133
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    Its a very fine line to walk. When you are overweight, you family and friends want you to be "healthy". And then once you start doing it and losing weight they make comments that make you think you are going overboard or something. I myself am still very overweight and over a 32 BMI, which is unhealthy and people tell me that I am getting too skinny.............I feel like you can't win. Also, my sister just recently had told me how great I am looking and that now I am a "hot mama" and then a week later we get into an argument and the first card she pulls is the weight card and tells me how fat and unattractive I am. People say what they wanna say, when they wanna say it, you have to know that what you are doing is for you and not to satisfy anyone else. Do not let anyone bring you down and know that you are in control of your life.
  • h_eloise86
    h_eloise86 Posts: 124
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    I married into a culture of food. My husband is Mexican and his parents have food around all the time. Since I have started on this change, my mother-in-law is always asking me if I am going to eat more. If I am hungry. If I have enough on my plate. Always bringing food around that I used to gorge on. Then, telling me how skinny I am getting. (I'm not even out of the obese category BMI-wise) But my husband's side of the family is mostly large people. The whole time they have know me I have been overweight.
    I also get it from my grandmother all the time. We go out to restaurant and she will try to order me more food. Pressuring me in front of the waiter. Or making comments about how I just drink water. I know she loves me and it only stems from her fear of me having an eating disorder like my mother.
    They do mean well. Even if it hurts you. Of course, you should tell them that it hurts you and explain that you are not starving yourself. Just know that they care about you. They just have a different and sometimes cruel way of showing it because of how their own realities seem to them.
    I think you are doing a great job :)
    Keep it up and they will see that you are happy and healthy!
  • MacMadame
    MacMadame Posts: 1,893 Member
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    You are changing and change freaks people out. They are scared that the natural order of things will be upset and they'll have to change too. So they are going to unconsciously try to sabotage you to get the change to stop.
  • karissastephens
    karissastephens Posts: 324 Member
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    This is EXACTLY what I went through! But EVEN WORSE because I'm in college and in a sorority and get talked about constantly....I even had a rumor made up about me that I was Bulimic...

    Its sad that your closest friends envy you so much they bicker and complain that your too "thin" and they push you to eat more.

    I had 5 of my closest friends lock me up in a room as they all tried to tell me I am unhealthy...they even tried telling me that eating 200-300 calorie meals 5 times a day was "unhealthy" and I needed to eat more.....I was like ARE YOU SERIOUS!?! I'm the healthiest I have ever been and am at a perfect weight..

    DO NOT let others tell you to eat more if you feel you do not need to. That's (1) just trying to please them and they will for sure get pleasure out of you indulging in food (2) unnecessary if your not hungry don't eat...they'll still be friends with you. :flowerforyou:
  • sblim
    sblim Posts: 99
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    If you mention to the person/people how they might feel if you constantly focused on their poor eating habits they probably would get the point. I typically tell people that I closely monitor what I eat and typically eat more at home, prior, etc so I don't have to worry about eating much at a restaurant. That usually helps keep the chatter down as well.
  • EmmyRose
    EmmyRose Posts: 54 Member
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    You know what I'd say?
    I'd just say, you know what? I LOVE being this thin! and I can shake my booty like there's no tomorrow and love every minute.
    I'd soak it up that they think you're thin, it should give you confidence.

    I wish people said that about me so I can just be like, well I love how I look and nothing you say can change that, I eat healthy, so I AM healthy!

    Keep up the good work, try and not get too discouraged :)
  • sweetgal2301
    sweetgal2301 Posts: 26 Member
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    As beauty is on the eye of the beholder .... so many things in life are. To most people in comparison to themselves certain things are acceptable and not. The weight issue is one thing. Some people are happy and healthy the way they are and so are not. For example, I have always been a size small and I put on some weight and shot up to a 150lbs. That was a 30lbs weight gain ... which brought so many illnesses including back pain. There were days I could not get out of the bed. But when I went on a diet .... most of the women around me (who thinks I am skinny) advised me against it. My reasons to lose weight was to be healthy and I realize that my body is not used to been more than 130lbs. I just could not explain my situation enough to them to make them understand .... which shocked and hurt me that my friends do not realize the pain I was in with the weight I gained. So I had to confront a few people and .... so it is ok to tell how you feel.

    You have to be happy first to make other people happy. I am on a 1200 calorie diet and based on the amount of exercise I do ... I might eat a bit more. But I am very healthy (not even a sign of a flu/cold which means my immune system is strong), I eat very well and most of all I am amazed at how much energized I am and how many things I get done on a day to day basis. My memory is amazing. If you are like me you should know the feeling too.

    So no ..... you did the right thing.
  • sweetgal2301
    sweetgal2301 Posts: 26 Member
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    As beauty is on the eye of the beholder .... so many things in life are. To most people in comparison to themselves certain things are acceptable and certain things are not. The weight issue is one thing. Some people are happy and healthy the way they are and others are not.
    For example, I have always been a size small and I put on some weight and shot up to a 150lbs. That was a 30lbs weight gain ... which brought so many illnesses including severe back pain. There were days I could not get out of the bed. But when I went on a diet .... most of the women around me (who thinks I am skinny) advised me against it. My reasons to lose weight was to be healthy and I realize that my body is not used to been more than 130lbs. I just could not explain my situation enough to them to make them understand .... which shocked and hurt me that my friends do not realize the pain I was in with the weight I gained. So I had to confront a few people and .... so it is ok to tell how you feel.

    You have to be happy first to make other people happy. I am on a 1200 calorie diet and based on the amount of exercise I do ... I might eat a bit more. But I am very healthy (not even a sign of a flu/cold which means my immune system is strong), I eat very well and most of all I am amazed at how much energized I am and how many things I get done on a day to day basis. My memory is amazing. If you are like me you should know the feeling too.

    So no ..... you did the right thing.
  • youngs
    youngs Posts: 250 Member
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    Sam, I am so sorry that you had to go thru that experiance..You know that you are not doing anything wrong and that you are healthy..I am so glad that you told them how you feel..Maybe next time they will think before they talk..You are a very beautiful young lady! I am so proud of you for staying on this journey and making a life style change that is best for you..belive me do it will you are young cause the older you get the harder it is to get under control! also if this stays a issue again..I would say next time..Thanks for being concered about me but I feel wonderful and I am so happy with the way I look and my boyfriend is so supportive of me..but for you I am a little concered that maybe you could use this plan that I do and get yourself more healthier..I would be happy to tell you all about it..I am sure that will clam them up!! Love ya Sam!
  • arewethereyet
    arewethereyet Posts: 18,702 Member
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    When others begin a discussion about my weight loss I immediately change the subject in such a way as to let them know it is NOT open for discussion (grant you I am 49 and did not do this for the first 30 years!! :wink:)

    Friend "OMG, is that ALL your going to eat?" (as she fills her plate at the buffet)

    Me-"So, are you taking a vacation this year? I think I am going to MA to see my BFF!"


    Friend " Are you STILL on a diet?"
    (wanted to say........No, this has NEVER been a diet!! :laugh:)

    Me-" Did you remember to take out the garbage this morning, you know it is big garbage day? I had an old couch and it was gone before sunrise!"

    Left NO room for discussing ME and left an open question for them to feel obligated to answer! Works every darn time.

    Your doing an awesome job of losing the first 15 and not letting them be 30-40-50! Man how many times I wished I had quit while I was ahead.
  • jackpotclown
    jackpotclown Posts: 3,291 Member
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    You are absolutely right, and yeah it does get irritating, but the fact is you're comfortable and confident in yourself, so anything they have to say is irrelevant.....now, if you really were a total gym freak nut job anorexic with skin, bones, and every rib in your ribcage showing, crying on about how salad makes you feel heavy, I'd say they have a point to make. You're doing great, you look good, and we're all so proud of you. Keep it up, and don't let them get you down, k?
  • Amber04
    Amber04 Posts: 6
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    Well, first off... I think you look amazing! Definitely NOT too thin :) You're beautiful! But I completely know what you're going through! and it sucks! You gain weight and people look at you like "are you really going to eat that?" ... you lose weight and people are trying to shove food down your throat! It's annoying! I truly believe that the majority of people really don't understand what "healthy" is! Keep doing what you're doing! You're eating healthy and you look great!!
  • SammyLynn010
    SammyLynn010 Posts: 293 Member
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    I want to thank each of you for your encouragement and advice!! =) ... It truly helped me. Hopefully I'll be brave enough to speak my mind about it and hopefully they will take what I have to say well...

    I wish each of you success in your journey's!

    Special thanks to my MEP friends that know my journey and have walked it with me! <3 you!

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