How can I help my husband?

RooBug88
RooBug88 Posts: 55 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
My husband has noticed my healthier lifestyle (counting calories, working out, etc.) and now he wants to get on board with it, too. That's great and all... but he doesn't want to do it himself. He essentially wants ME to count all his calories for him, make all his food choices, do all the grocery shopping and cooking, pack his lunches, and so on. It's exhausting! I have tried to tell him that he has to be the one in control of his own health, but he just whines and begs me to do it for him. It's hard work just keeping track of my OWN intake and output, making sure I eat the right macros and all that, but to do it for someone else with different calorie and macro needs? I can't do it all! I have tried to set him up with the best tools (he all but refuses to use this website), but I've shown him how to calculate BMI, BMR, TDEE, taught him about calorie deficits, given him the best advice I know how for picking foods to eat, but he says he doesn't get it and just wants me to do it for him. He won't exercise, he complains about portion sizes, he doesn't want to write down calories (or even just the food he eats, even if he doesn't log caloric values) and I just don't know how long I can keep this up. I feel like he's not really dedicated to the cause and as much as I love him, I don't want to have to drag him along while I'm trying to get healthy for myself.

Ultimately, he says he wants to get healthy, but he acts like he doesn't want to put forth the effort it requires. Am I being selfish by telling him I don't want to do this FOR him? I would love to do this WITH him, but I can't keep up with two different dietary requirements and I don't want to let his whining about the lifestyle turn me off of my own weight-loss journey. I guess this was as much a vent/rant as a call for help, but any advice on the subject would be dearly appreciated.

Replies

  • socajam
    socajam Posts: 2,530 Member
    Personally, I would not do it. He has to learn to stand on his own two feet and be accountable to himself and no one else. Asking you to take on this responsibility is his way of blaming you if things do not work out. I would focus on myself and hopefully some time something may go off in his brain when he sees how good you are looking.
  • servilia
    servilia Posts: 3,452 Member
    Maybe do it for a week so he sees it's not all that difficult. After that let him do it himself. You're his wife not his momma!
  • VeeBethTris
    VeeBethTris Posts: 301 Member
    Personally, I would not do it. He has to learn to stand on his own two feet and be accountable to himself and no one else. Asking you to take on this responsibility is his way of blaming you if things do not work out. I would focus on myself and hopefully some time something may go off in his brain when he sees how good you are looking.

    This!
  • jadeyq1
    jadeyq1 Posts: 178 Member
    You're not being unreasonable at all. Have you had a chat with him about it and told him how much hard work it is just to do your own as well as his? At the end of the day if he doesn't want to do it for himself then he won't stick to it anyway. What are his reasons for doing it?

    You shouldn't have to do all the hard work for him. Does he want you to work out for him too?! Lol

    Just explain to him everything that you said in your post and hopefully he will get it :)
  • saxmaniac
    saxmaniac Posts: 1,133 Member
    Unless you also change his diapers, no.
  • JossFit
    JossFit Posts: 588 Member
    Even though you are giving him all the tools, you aren't making him put them into use. By packing his lunches and doing all the things you have been, what incentive does he have to make those changes for himself? It's much easier to sit back and let someone else do the work.

    I can totally understand making healthy dinners for the both of you, but the rest of it is totally unnecessary. Just stop babying him and if it he really wants to change he'll do the work for himself.
  • Frankii_x
    Frankii_x Posts: 238
    He's a grown man who can do it himself. Harsh, I know but I know if my boyfriend were asking that of me I would be saying that.

    If he doesn't want to put the effort in then he doesn't REALLY want to be healthy. Maybe try and think of it another way - would you do his job for him? He wants to earn money and he wants to say he has a job - but would you go to work and do all of that for him on top of going to your own job? I know I wouldn't. :)

    I really don't mean to be too harsh but I'm trying to think of how I would be in your position :)

    Hope that helps x
  • FUELERDUDE
    FUELERDUDE Posts: 150 Member
    Maybe do it for a week so he sees it's not all that difficult. After that let him do it himself. You're his wife not his momma!

    Amen to that!

    Let him know that it's essential he learn what tools he needs to use, and how to use them, to gain a healthier lifestyle. I don't the reasoning behind his not wanting to do so, but until he does, he's not ready for it.
  • rainbowbow
    rainbowbow Posts: 7,490 Member
    You cant. Period. Personal choices, theyre a b**ch aren't they? :(
  • RooBug88
    RooBug88 Posts: 55 Member
    You're not being unreasonable at all. Have you had a chat with him about it and told him how much hard work it is just to do your own as well as his? At the end of the day if he doesn't want to do it for himself then he won't stick to it anyway. What are his reasons for doing it?

    I think he's only doing it because he sees ME doing it. He's a follower and mostly just does whatever everyone around him is doing. I think it may be a little bit of jealousy as well... I've lost over 30lbs and although you can't see a PHYSICAL difference yet, I have a better outlook on life than I did and I think he wants that, too. He's been steadily gaining weight during the period of time where I've been steadily losing it. But still, he says he wants to lose weight, then watches me eat a salad and a low-cal individual sized pizza while he eats and ENTIRE full sized frozen pizza (at over 2000 cal, not counting the parmesan, garlic butter, and ranch dressing he drowns it in and the three cans of Coke he drinks with it). I think I agree with you guys, I know how hard it is to count for myself, and if he's not going to put in the hard work, he's not going to see results. I love him dearly, but I can't just wave a magic wand and make his dream body a reality (although, how cool would THAT be?!?)

    Thanks for the replies!
  • Fozzi43
    Fozzi43 Posts: 2,984 Member
    He needs to do it himself in my opinion.
  • rainbowbow
    rainbowbow Posts: 7,490 Member
    You're not being unreasonable at all. Have you had a chat with him about it and told him how much hard work it is just to do your own as well as his? At the end of the day if he doesn't want to do it for himself then he won't stick to it anyway. What are his reasons for doing it?

    I think he's only doing it because he sees ME doing it. He's a follower and mostly just does whatever everyone around him is doing. I think it may be a little bit of jealousy as well... I've lost over 30lbs and although you can't see a PHYSICAL difference yet, I have a better outlook on life than I did and I think he wants that, too. He's been steadily gaining weight during the period of time where I've been steadily losing it. But still, he says he wants to lose weight, then watches me eat a salad and a low-cal individual sized pizza while he eats and ENTIRE full sized frozen pizza (at over 2000 cal, not counting the parmesan, garlic butter, and ranch dressing he drowns it in and the three cans of Coke he drinks with it). I think I agree with you guys, I know how hard it is to count for myself, and if he's not going to put in the hard work, he's not going to see results. I love him dearly, but I can't just wave a magic wand and make his dream body a reality (although, how cool would THAT be?!?)

    Thanks for the replies!

    Yeah. All you can do is lead by example. No amount of withholding you know what (which i somehow see suggested in every one of these threads), threatening to leave him, forcing him to eat what you make, ridiculing him, "supporting him", being positive with him, etc. are going to make a difference.

    It's his choice. Only he can decide. And if he chooses not too, well, then you need to decide whether its really *that* important to you.
  • oregonzoo
    oregonzoo Posts: 4,251 Member
    You can help him.
    You can make healthy fresh meals for the two of you to enjoy. You can work out together...

    But really it's on him.

    You can't hold his hand, and if you have to he doesn't want it bad enough and it will be a struggle.
  • run_way
    run_way Posts: 220
    I don't think that counting his calories for him is your responsibility, but maybe meet him in the middle by making healthy dinners for the both of you and buy the foods to make healthy decisions for lunches and snacks - also make your lunches together for the first week or so, then he can get some good ideas from you.

    I guess I usually do all of the grocery shopping and dinner anyway, so doesn't seem like that much of a stretch - if my husband actually wanted to get healthy, I would do all of it except the calorie counting. And yes I do agree with you - it is exhausting!

    Edit: I guess for me it is a matter of whether it's worth it, I like to prepare meals for him because that's kind of his "love language", it makes him feel special and so it comes with the significant reward of him feeling more loved.
  • thisismeraw
    thisismeraw Posts: 1,264 Member
    If it were me, I wouldn`t do it for him. He has to want it himself and if he isn`t willing to put in the effort to make the changes than he truly doesn`t want to change anything regardless of what he says. He can say he wants to change, eat better, lose weigh all he wants but if he isn`t willing to put in the work needed to make those changes than he doesn`t want it.

    Stop doing things for him. He`s a big boy and can do it himself.

    I make dinner in my house so my husband eats well for dinner. When he`s off I make breakfast and most of the time I make his lunch. But that is only because I choose to because he goes to work all day while I am at home so it`s my thing I can do for him.
  • flechero
    flechero Posts: 260 Member
    Tell him that he's not tough enough to do this. If that doesn't motivate him, then...

    Start feeding him what you eat.... and tell him you'll be happy to "help him out" at least until he gets the hang of it. In essence, just make more of what you already do, and sharing it. If he want's different stuff then he can put forth a little effort. You'd still be doing most of the work for him but just adding volume to what you already make isn't too difficult.

    If he wants different foods, he can put out the effort. If he wants you to be in charge then he can eat what you serve, end of story. Do you have kids? If so, tell him he's acting like one and being selfish that he's expecting you to do all this for him, instead of with him, as an active participant. A spouse is a partner, IMO, and men are fully capable of cooking, cleaning, etc., once you get the lazy out. I'd intentionally pack a weak lunch just so he'd start doing it. ...lol

    Lastly, give him time, if you really think he'll come around... It took over a year for my wife to decide she wanted to do this.

    Good luck!
  • 1jobean
    1jobean Posts: 84
    Next time you go out for supper order for him and dont ask him what he wants. Then tell him you thought thats what he wanted.
  • RooBug88
    RooBug88 Posts: 55 Member
    Tell him that he's not tough enough to do this. If that doesn't motivate him, then...

    Start feeding him what you eat.... and tell him you'll be happy to "help him out" at least until he gets the hang of it. In essence, just make more of what you already do, and sharing it. If he want's different stuff then he can put forth a little effort. You'd still be doing most of the work for him but just adding volume to what you already make isn't too difficult.

    If he wants different foods, he can put out the effort. If he wants you to be in charge then he can eat what you serve, end of story. Do you have kids? If so, tell him he's acting like one and being selfish that he's expecting you to do all this for him, instead of with him, as an active participant. A spouse is a partner, IMO, and men are fully capable of cooking, cleaning, etc., once you get the lazy out. I'd intentionally pack a weak lunch just so he'd start doing it. ...lol

    Lastly, give him time, if you really think he'll come around... It took over a year for my wife to decide she wanted to do this.

    Good luck!

    We don't have any kids, but he DOES act like one sometimes haha! He is a truck driver and is on the road about 10-12 hours at a time, so I know I dont have control over what he eats anyway, but when he is home, I make food for the both of us and measure my own portion. Then, I let him take what he wants, which is usually the rest of the food (2-3 servings). Even though he says he wants to lose weight, he just complains about the portions being too small and that he's never full. I think you're all right---he doesn't really want this yet. Believe me, I was that person too. I could eat all day long and never be full, but when I decided to change my life, I knew that it wouldn't be easy and that there would be SOME discomfort to get through. No pain, no gain! My husband, on the other hand, just isn't ready for that kind of challenge. I think I'm going to take everyone's advice and continue to make my healthy food and give him the choice to eat it or not... but I'm not going to coddle him anymore. He's a big boy and if he isn't going to put in the hard work, he isn't going to get the payoff.

    Next time you go out for supper order for him and dont ask him what he wants. Then tell him you thought thats what he wanted.

    Hahaha, it's our anniversary today and we're going out to dinner... I don't think I want to get between him and his steak dinner, though! I might honestly lose a hand! O.o
  • Amy106Days
    Amy106Days Posts: 172 Member
    In light of your new found knowledge of calories and label reading I don't disagree that you alone should now control the grocery list. I mean if you can find the time the two of you could shop together but I don't see any reason to send this man to the store on his own.

    You are not his nutritionist, lifecoach or personal chef so planning his meals and packing his lunches still falls to him unless it is something where you are bagging carrots for your lunch and while everything is out could throw some in a bag for him as well. Logging, exercise and calorie counting won't work for anyone who is not into it. You have to learn a few things before you instinctively know that you just made your salad into a calorie bomb by putting full fat ranch on to it. Or that coffee isn't the same calories as a delicious starbucks drink with whipped cream. You have to learn daily from logging in order to make smarter choices down the line and for this reason you can't log it for him.

    If you want to help him to help himself, make a list of all his favorite meals try for at least 20 then study each recipe and tweak it until it is as light, natural and still tasty as can be. Just pulling half the butter out of every recipe I make helped a great deal but once I got started and googled low cal substitutions and perused low cal recipe sites for inspiration I was able to revamp 80% of the so good but bad for us dinners my husband loves, and some recipes we like better now and because we can still enjoy home cooked meals and it isn't all boiled chicken with steamed cabbage and sad diet nonsense we are less likely to ditch the dinner plan and order pizza.
    Help him by turning off the TV during dinner or not allowing snacks or food in the living room anymore. Eating in the kitchen or dining room is much more about the food and less mindless consumption. Hey he asked you to take charge, right?

    He may simply not be ready for MFP yet. Teach him little tricks as you progress but don't judge him for continuing to be the man you married. Be proud of your change but don't think the whole world can change with you. This lightbulb went off inside your head but it took time and maybe you just need to jiggle his switch a little more before he is truly motivated.

    *My husband does the majority of our cooking so I just changed our recipes still leaving the cooking to him. He doesn't know a calorie form a carrot stick so I try not to overwhelm him with all of it. I just changed a few ingredients and bought whole wheat pastas.
  • RooBug88
    RooBug88 Posts: 55 Member
    In light of your new found knowledge of calories and label reading I don't disagree that you alone should now control the grocery list. I mean if you can find the time the two of you could shop together but I don't see any reason to send this man to the store on his own.

    You are not his nutritionist, lifecoach or personal chef so planning his meals and packing his lunches still falls to him unless it is something where you are bagging carrots for your lunch and while everything is out could throw some in a bag for him as well. Logging, exercise and calorie counting won't work for anyone who is not into it. You have to learn a few things before you instinctively know that you just made your salad into a calorie bomb by putting full fat ranch on to it. Or that coffee isn't the same calories as a delicious starbucks drink with whipped cream. You have to learn daily from logging in order to make smarter choices down the line and for this reason you can't log it for him.

    If you want to help him to help himself, make a list of all his favorite meals try for at least 20 then study each recipe and tweak it until it is as light, natural and still tasty as can be. Just pulling half the butter out of every recipe I make helped a great deal but once I got started and googled low cal substitutions and perused low cal recipe sites for inspiration I was able to revamp 80% of the so good but bad for us dinners my husband loves, and some recipes we like better now and because we can still enjoy home cooked meals and it isn't all boiled chicken with steamed cabbage and sad diet nonsense we are less likely to ditch the dinner plan and order pizza.
    Help him by turning off the TV during dinner or not allowing snacks or food in the living room anymore. Eating in the kitchen or dining room is much more about the food and less mindless consumption. Hey he asked you to take charge, right?

    He may simply not be ready for MFP yet. Teach him little tricks as you progress but don't judge him for continuing to be the man you married. Be proud of your change but don't think the whole world can change with you. This lightbulb went off inside your head but it took time and maybe you just need to jiggle his switch a little more before he is truly motivated.

    Love it. Love all of it. Great advice!
  • prattiger65
    prattiger65 Posts: 1,657 Member
    I love my wife so much that I would do this for her without hesitation. She loves me so much that she would never ask me to.
  • fit4lifeUcan2
    fit4lifeUcan2 Posts: 1,458 Member
    Unless you also change his diapers, no.

    Exactly!! Now if he was disabled and you had to prepare all of his meals for him that would be one thing...but....

    He's a grown man. I would get him the app for his phone or direct him here and let him do it for himself.
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
    My boyfriend would like me to do the same for him. But I'm not with him all day every day. In his case, he doesn't eat enough. He runs on coffee, rarely eats lunch, then binges on junk at night which still doesn't add up to enough calories that he should have. Unless I am there and cook him a sensible dinner. Often he says don't put a lot on my plate, "I stopped to see my kids and ate cake/cookies/donuts I couldn't help it because I was starving, nothing but coffee all day".

    Anyway, with that said, I did find on the internet where you can download some sample menu plans, in several various calorie ranges. 2,500 cals or 3,000 cals or 3,500 cals. If you have helped him run his BMR and TDEE you should have an idea of what range he should be in. I would start with printing one of those out and sticking it in the kitchen where he can see it. You might edit it so it has just foods he likes on it, so he can pack his own lunch. If he has breakfast at home, packs lunch and dinner at home, he will begin to get a lot closer to the right amount of cals than if he is eating on the road.
  • Lizzy622
    Lizzy622 Posts: 3,705 Member
    My husband and I are both on MFP. I do most of the shopping and cooking and do occasionally pack his lunch (leftover dinner). He logs his own stuff onto MFP. He pushes me to exercise and keeps me honest there. You can't do it all for him and he needs to help you too.
  • letsridebikes
    letsridebikes Posts: 7
    I've been on MFP and working on my lifestyle change for longer than my boyfriend has. Though I haven't dropped a significant amount of weight, I think watching me work so hard has motivated him.

    Since he does the majority of the cooking, the biggest help has been getting him in to see my dietician. Now when he cooks, he's thinking about more healthy ways to make things (flaxseed in everything!). It's been a big help to me to know that when he makes breakfast now it won't always account for half my daily calories ;)

    We split the grocery shopping. There's an app on our phones that allows us to share the grocery list and is super helpful; we also discuss healthy options for snacks so we are mostly on the same page there.


    It sounds like you're motivating your husband - maybe once he gets to a point where he decides to follow your lead and do some of these things for himself, you guys will be able to work out a way to help and support each other in the process. Best of luck! :)

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