FAT GIRL!! FAT GIRL!!

Halloweenmom2 · July 2010

Ok, this one does have A LOT to do with my weight. Hope you read it through and give me your opinions/comments/motivation.

This was ALWAYS me:

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I am a 26 yr old MOM, i've ALWAYS been the FAT girl, this is since I was BORN. I don't want to use excuses but I think the fact that my dad beat my mom every day may have A LOT to do with it. I ate my feelings, NO seriously... the ONLY thing that I had around me to make me feel good was FOOD. My mom and dad really seriously ABUSED my feelings; I wish they'd realize this, but... OH WELL.... my mom ran away many times and I became the "FATHER" figure to my brothers and sisters. My mom gave birth to me at 14 so it's like we kind of grew up together. I (many times) would console her through EVERY single thing she went through, I wish she would've known that I was the kid and that SHE needed to raise me, but she didn't.. so I ate my feelings away, it felt so good to actually sit down in the dinning table with a big sandwhich or two and EAT. It felt as if the whole world didn't exist, only me and my friend: FOOD. I didn't have toys or friends, I ONLY had food. I wasn't even able to step a foot out of the house because ODDLY enough my parents were strict. I guess they only wanted me inside to help them deal with their troubles. After 14 years of dealing with my father, my mom ACTUALLY left him, this time for good. She met my step father and - well, .... things were ok until he almost raped my sister. Argh! She asked us to lie and tell the social worker that it was just a nightmare she had dreamt. Sucks..... I met my 1st love when I was 18 and I was so desperate for love and affection that I asked for it in the wrong way. I would begg him not to leave me and I guess I would black mail him that if he would leave me I would KILL myself. Well, since I had met him online, he would mess around online w a bunch of women, breaking my heart more and more and MORE every time, but I didn't even have enough self-esteem to leave so I stayed, like my mom did and dealt with the suffering - my sisters suffering, my mom's suffering, my brothers suffering..... I ended up moving out and taking my sister with me, since... my mom decided to leave my step dad and hook up with her own nephew. Ughhh!!!! A month before my REAL father (who lives in Mexico, never really calls, and has a bunch of cash but doesn't give us much because he NOW has a new family that he loves very much) saw me so big at 270 lbs that he decided to (thankfully) pay for my lap band surgery. My sister was only 14 when she moved in with me and my internet boyfriend, she would give me the worse head aches, dealing with her high school issues, something my mom should've dealt with (oh and yeah.. my dad) but never really did, she would leave school and smoke pot, she began to date a lesbian and she would beat her

I decided to talk to my mother again and asked her to please help me - my sister moved out, to a new apartment with my mother and her new boyfriend: our cousin. I lost weight but food was and still is my ONLY way of making myself happy. I guess you can say I still deal with my mother and I still raise my brothers and sisters, I see them so small and going through the same things I went through, PAIN. I worry about them constantly, help them and STILL help my mother. I wish she would've been more mature, and I wish my father would've taken charge, but... I guess that didn't work out so I had to do it. My food became my friend, my ONLY shoulder to lean on.

I lost the weight and I kept my relationship going with my internet boyfriend, ONCE I found an e-mail he had sent to another guy (while we lived together, that haunts me until NOW. I got pregnant and NOW I found the sunshine of my life. My sister moved out with a new boyfriend, my other brothers have also moved out, so young but ... they got out of that hole we lived in. Now I still come by my mom's house just to make sure that the little ones are ok, I can't judge my mother but I guess you can say I hate HER and LOVE her at the same time. No matter how hard she had it she never left us alone. Well, after I had my daughter I realized that the lap band wasn't going to work forever! I started to get very sick, gastritis and lots of throwing up, my hair fell off and all of those negative side effects of the surgery got the best of me. I had it opened up (you can adjust it) so it would be as if I never even had it done. I lost the weight with WEIGHT watchers and got down from 183 (post baby) to 160, here's a pic of me of THEN:
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Yeah, well... I lost weight and I WENT wild, I left my baby's father (aka: internet boyfriend) as soon as my daughter was born. I became a rebel and decided to date as many guys as I could. I left my daughter with her father for most of the time and I just didn't care..... little by little I gained the weight and ended up at 183 again! I realized that the life I was living wasn't right, wasn't the best for my daughter, her father changed a lot and gave me another opportunity to build our family, which is what I'm doing now. This is me NOW, maybe 15 lbs more than this picture:

I am the FAT GIRL still, everyone thinks of me this way, if only they'd knew how much I've been through. If only they'd knew how much of that FAT is PAIN. My daughter took most of it away and I guess my payback to that childhood of mine would be to be the best mom there is. Food has haunt me always, I know that we can start over and over come anything but ... I feel so scarred. SO SCARRED. I haven't been able to break that cycle, FOOD is always my best friend when I'm down, when I fight w my baby's father, when he leaves the house, when my mother hugs my cousin in front of me, when my sister calls me crying because she can't seem to find her sanity, when the whole world relies on me and I can't rely on anyone but FOOD. I feel like crying right now but I can't... I'm ADRIANA - I'm the oldest one, I'm the strongest one, I can't be weak. If only they'd knew how weak I really am. I thank God for giving me my daughter, for giving me THE MOST PRECIOUS thing there is - it is because of her that I don't go CRAZY, it's because of her that I try to find a calm point, it's because of her that I WANT to break this cycle so bad. It's because of her that I smile.

They all see me as a FAT girl, but if they'd only knew how much more I am than just that. I want to lose weight so bad just to prove myself and them, but..... it is hard, well, losing weight is not hard, but BREAKING this habit that carries so much past and pain might just be impossible. I still live in that shadow. I'm a big girl, YES - I'm a FAT GIRL... But not because I chose to be.

I will continue this path, choose healthier options. Dropping pounds slowly, and hopefully, slowly also dropping those haunting memories.

Ahhh............

I feel 1 lb lighter!

mnkris10 · July 2010

You have very valid reasons to eat your feelings. Sounds like you've had a rough life. Have you thought about getting some help professionally?

I'm going to come off as mean here, and I don't mean to be. This is said with genuine caring from one big girl to another...

At what point do you say, I'm in charge, I decide what I eat. Do you want to be a good example for your kid or the reason why she's over weight? Are you tough enough now to continue on and leave it all behind you or do you want to wallow in it longer?
Yes I was raised wrong, but now I'm old enough to know better, and am willing to learn.

Oprah had a good book on her show recently about this- I think it's called Women, Food, and God. It talks about finding out WHY we eat, what emotion are we covering up? What are we feeling that is so uncomfortable we eat for comfort.

What are you willing to do to help yourself get better inside and out?

Halloweenmom2 · July 2010

Yes, you are right! I am OLD enough now, I've always been old enough to do more than just be a kid. I'm a strong woman, I know I am. I had to be. I am also very weak but not many people know. I can handle the weight loss, I know I can because I've done it in the past, I can. In regards to the past and how it hurts and the USING food as a cover to pain, I don't know. I wish I'd knew or fix that, it's hard but I bet it can't be impossible. I'll do anything for my daughter, and she sees me exercise now and eat healthy. I know I'll lose the weight I'm just scared I'll never lose the pain.

kvsweatt · July 2010

Wow, Adriene, that is quit a story! I feel bad for you, you have been through alot. If I didn't workout everyday and eat right I would be that "fat girl" too. I love to eat, I love to cook and make large course meals, but it is just me and my husband, so that don't work! I have come to realize that I am happy making those big meals for the holiday for my larger family and this gives me something to look forward to. Some people may tell you that you need to go talk to someone about your issues, well I say you just did. I don't like shrinks and such, I think they are a waste of time and money. God won't put anything in our path that we cannot handle. If you don't believe in God then just know that everything in this life happens for a reason, one day (could be twenty years from now) or never, you will be able to look back and know why you had to go through all that. We have to play the hand that we are dealt. You can't change the past, and once you learn to let go and move on, you will be in such a better place! It will be hard and it may take years, but with the right friends and encouragment from people you surround yourself with, it can happen! Don't try and change overnight, take your time and make small and effective changes that will become second nature to you. Simplify your life, remove all the "unwanteds"; people, clothing, food clutter etc. Clean out (mentally and physically) and make way for the new, you'll feel much better. Get rid of the toxi people in your life and the ones that won't support you in your decisions, they are not good for you and they will only want to keep you down where they are at!

Good Luck in your new endeavors! KIT

goatskinlegs · July 2010

Losing weight the old fashion way can be slow and tedious, but it's the most affective. I know you've struggled, I read your story and I can relate probably more than most. But I had to say this and I'd like you to repeat it as many times as it takes to stick in the back of your mind, "Food is for nourishment, not comfort." It's there to keep you alive and that's it. I know we can all for psychological attachments to food, and after a life like yours I don't blame you. But you have a daughter now, and it's time to show her the right path by being that strong person you had to be growing up. I've done this for awhile now too, it's never easy and there will be stumbling block, but we just keep trekking forward. You'll do fine you just have to stick to it, and not get frustrated and upset when you're not always right on target. With a kid it may seem harder, but it should actually be easier because she's young enough that you can teach her to eat right from the start.

I know you have an emotional attachment to food, and that's not something that will change over night, but if you ever need guidance or just someone to talk to hit me up. We're all in this together. Also, just for perspective, I'd like to recommend a few movies for you to watch. Processed People, Food Inc, The Future of Food, and the infamous Super Size Me. All these movies collectively forced me to change my perception of food and I hope it will help you too. GOOD LUCK! :happy:

melissaogdenrhode · July 2010

WOW....quite a story...though it is tough....and it makes you scream. HANG IN THERE! You have already proved that you are tougher than you know. It will NOT beat you! I agree with a previous reply. "eat to live, not live to eat" It's SO TOUGH to actually do that because it's so good. But that feeling doesn't last long and the feelings afterward (or the ones before you started eating) are worse. Though it is so incredibly difficult to do, don't regret your past because you would not be the extraordinary woman you are today.

Day by day, pound by pound. It will fall and it will be conquered!

Hugs!:flowerforyou:

losingnow · July 2010

Wow! That is quite the life and quite the story. I am sorry you ever had to go through something like that! I don't have much advice and i don't know what your religious beliefs are. But if you do believe there is a book series I am going through. It is Called First Place for Health. It is about giving God control of all areas of your life, mental, spiritual, physical, and emotional. Not trying to push anything on you just throwing it out there if you are interested. You can always contact me if you want more information. This is what has helped me with my weight loss and started me on this weight loss journey.

FAT GIRL!! FAT GIRL!!

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