Spousal/partner sabotage, anyone else?!

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rosehippy77
rosehippy77 Posts: 54 Member
in Motivation and Support
Hi all,
I have been on my new me journey for around 6 weeks now, with MFP for around 4wks, and am doing reasonably well. I have so far lost approx 6lbs, although I haven't weighed myself this week, so maybe a little more (I hope!).
I haven't yet joined a gym or fitness class or done much other exercise other than brisk walking, (gotta start somewhere) so for the moment am just getting to grips with the diet changes and reduced calorie intake.
I am really enjoying the changes I have made and am having no trouble sticking to my new sensible choices, and rarely have felt much hungry with careful adjustments in the timing of my meals.
All good so far, but herein lies my problem, my husband I am convinced is trying to sabotage me! Whether he even realizes or not I can't quite work out yet, but there's a definite attempt there on his part to encourage me to snack on chocolate or sweets or to eat white bread and butter with my soup, (even though he knows I am gluten intolerant)
It seems to be how he shows his love for us as a family, he loves to cook for us and just to provide for us in general, and will ask in the evenings if I want anything from the kitchen, and I find myself repeatedly having to turn down offers of various foods, even though he knows I've already had my supper.
I don't get it, we've been together for 20 years now, (high school sweethearts) we are married with 3 kids and other wise happy, he can't surely be insecure at me trying to lose extra pounds and get healthy?
I'm not so much looking for advice per se here, I just wondered if anyone else experienced this?! I am staying strong and steadfast and am resolved not to allow myself to be sidetracked, but feel it's just a bit unfair to have that extra effort on top of the motivation and willpower needed to make these changes in my life!
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Replies

  • bdburch
    bdburch Posts: 127
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    It's only been 6 weeks; it's still a fairly new change for him. You say you know that he is a provider and that he shows love by offering to give things to others. That's all he's doing. I really doubt that he's purposely trying to sabotage you.

    It is also possible that he is insecure about you trying to lose weight even though you have been together for 20 years. It's a lifestyle change for both of you, even if you're the only one changing eating habits. Just hang in there and he should come around eventually. If not, you need to have a talk with him about the way he makes you feel when he offers you food.
  • Lizzy622
    Lizzy622 Posts: 3,705 Member
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    Sit down and talk to him about it. Have you showed him how you are tracking your calories and your goals for yourself? After I showed my husband MFP he decided to join also. Although he still goes out and gets ice cream once in a while it is not as often and he knows not to push it on me.
    Your husband may also be looking to be needed. Next time he offers to get something you can say, "get me a glass of water" (or herbal tea or unsweetened ice tea). If bringing you food is his way of showing love maybe this will help.
  • palmerar
    palmerar Posts: 489 Member
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    Maybe you are just more aware of him offering food and dessert because you are now keeping track of everything you eat? Maybe you are the one who has changed and not him? It sounds like he is just being sweet by offering to get you something while he is in the kitchen.
  • Sunny_fit4life
    Sunny_fit4life Posts: 157 Member
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    It doesn't really sound like sabotage to me... just that old habits that die hard. All you can do is talk to him and let him know you need his help in changing unhealthy habits. You never know, if he likes to cook he might get really into learning to cook things in a new, healthy way.
    Also, the brisk walking is a great place to start. That's where I started too. :) I wish you the best, and you seem to be doing great so far. Don't ever give up, you've got this!
  • Elegra2006
    Elegra2006 Posts: 144 Member
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    Maybe he just doesn't 'get it'? My OH knows that I try to eat healthily and that I exercise a lot but he seriously doesn't 'get it' (despite the fact that he's always moaning about his weight and lack of fitness etc, etc).

    I make us nice healthy meals and then afterwards he'll ask me if I want to share a pretzel (the bread kind - not a wee biscuit one!) or if I come home and am musing over what to have for dinner he'll make suggestions of things like cheese on a white roll - not really in-keeping with healthy eating! Or I'll come home and he'll tell me he's bought me a treat, I open the fridge and inside is a packet of crumpets or a gigantic bar of chocolate!!

    Honestly, sometimes it seems like they just 'cannot compute'!
  • Maribel_1986
    Maribel_1986 Posts: 457 Member
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    Maybe he just doesn't 'get it'? My OH knows that I try to eat healthily and that I exercise a lot but he seriously doesn't 'get it' (despite the fact that he's always moaning about his weight and lack of fitness etc, etc).

    I make us nice healthy meals and then afterwards he'll ask me if I want to share a pretzel (the bread kind - not a wee biscuit one!) or if I come home and am musing over what to have for dinner he'll make suggestions of things like cheese on a white roll - not really in-keeping with healthy eating! Or I'll come home and he'll tell me he's bought me a treat, I open the fridge and inside is a packet of crumpets or a gigantic bar of chocolate!!

    Honestly, sometimes it seems like they just 'cannot compute'!

    Ok... but just because he brings you a bar of chocolate or whatever doesn't mean you have to eat it all! It's not that big of a deal. Take a small piece and save the rest :smile: ...You guys should feel lucky that your men think of you this much. One day he may stop doing things like this and you will miss it.
  • Maribel_1986
    Maribel_1986 Posts: 457 Member
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    Maybe you are just more aware of him offering food and dessert because you are now keeping track of everything you eat? Maybe you are the one who has changed and not him? It sounds like he is just being sweet by offering to get you something while he is in the kitchen.

    I agree! :flowerforyou:
  • Elegra2006
    Elegra2006 Posts: 144 Member
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    Ok... but just because he brings you a bar of chocolate or whatever doesn't mean you have to eat it all! It's not that big of a deal. Take a small piece and save the rest :smile: ...You guys should feel lucky that your men think of you this much. One day he may stop doing things like this and you will miss it.

    Ah but no, he KNOWS that it's impossible for me to eat just one bit of chocolate! He even laughs at my lack of willpower which I readily acknowledge! I completely appreciate the sentiment but sometimes he makes me scream!
  • marygee1951
    marygee1951 Posts: 148 Member
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    I have a similar problem. My SO considers sharing food as an expression of love. He's always trying to have me share a sandwich or join him in a desert.

    It's difficult because there are days he won't feel like eating anything but a bowl of cereal and the next day he wants franks and beans or spagetti with clam sauce. If he ate "normal meals" every day, I would try to plan around it - but I never know what to expect. So I plan my own meal - such as chicken with a baked potato and broccoli - I ask him if he's going to eat, and it's usually no thanks. Before I start cooking he'll come and ask if I want a frozen Bertolli bagged meal (some are not too bad calorie wise, but others just have too many calories). When I say no - then he won't eat. I'll offer to cook the Bertolli meal for him and we can eat together with him having his choice and me having the chicken, Instead he won't eat anything. If I won't eat the same thing as him he gets upset. It's crazy. I tell him as long as we're "breaking bread" together, it shouldn't matter what's on our plates. I'm willing to make him anything he wants.

    There are times he does make himself something, and he tries to get me to eat half of it. No thanks. The other night he asked if I wanted some peaches (from a can - lite version). I said okay and then he brings in this bowl with this concoction of raisin bread, peaches, whip cream. I ate the peaches but he got upset because I wouldn't eat the rest. He buys eclairs and will eat half of them and leave the rest for me. I tell him I am not a sweet eater and will not be eating the eclairs so he should go ahead and enjo them - but he'll just leave them there until I end up throwing them out four days later.

    Mealtimes have become stressful. I explain I have to eat healthy for health reasons - I'm in constant pain, I can't walk without wheezing. I have high blood pressure, Either join me in the meals I prepare, or I'll make something else for you - it's no problem. We're just on different pages.
  • matt2442
    matt2442 Posts: 1,259 Member
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    my husband I am convinced is trying to sabotage me! Whether he even realizes or not I can't quite work out yet

    I'm no genius but why dont you just talk to him about it?
  • theCarlton
    theCarlton Posts: 1,344 Member
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    Yes, I am totally on-board with sabotaging my spouse. Who else is signed up?
  • rosehippy77
    rosehippy77 Posts: 54 Member
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    Thank's everyone for the replies and good advice, I appreciate that, good to be able to run it by others and see what an outside take on things is. Sorry for slow reply, I have all 3 boys still on school holidays and the weather is not great so they're running around the house!

    Your husband may also be looking to be needed. Next time he offers to get something you can say, "get me a glass of water" (or herbal tea or unsweetened ice tea). If bringing you food is his way of showing love maybe this will help.

    I like this, that's a great idea, I have started to drink herbal teas, peppermint and rosehip so I could definitely do that.

    It was the offers of more food when I had quite clearly only just eaten that was making me suspicious, the repeated offers of a bag of chips (crisps in UK) like 3 times in an hour! I kept my resolve though and politely declined each time.
    A couple of comments he's made have also compounded it, such as "you're not turning into a calorie bore are you?"
    or " you won't live any longer doing this" "I think you look beautiful as you are and you don't need to lose any weight"

    I currently weigh more than him, by just a few pounds, I'm at around 168, he's at around 160. We're both around 5'7". I was always the one with no willpower and would usually just accept whatever food was offered, it didn't take much persuading! He's always been careful about what he eats, and although he doesn't do much exercise he does walk to work and back 5 days a week at a mile and a half each way, (very briskly). Which keeps him fit enough as he says. He used to be really committed to fitness back when we were teenagers and did weight training 3 days a week, to an almost competition level. He lived on a bodybuilding diet which consisted of dry oats, dry tuna, boiled egg whites and not much else during his "getting ripped" phases, and this lasted around a year and a half until he got sick of it and jacked it in. He does press ups and resistance training sometimes, but only occasionally.
    So he's always been the healthier one of us.
    he doesn't actually cook unhealthy meals, I do the cooking 5 nights of the week, he cooks weekends. We only ever have takeaways as a once a month treat, trying to set a good example for the kids, so we're not undergoing a massive lifestyle change here, he may be a bit thrown by the changes I have made though, I've never done this before!
    I do hope it's just an innocent period of adjustment and I will keep a quiet eye on things and see how it goes over the next couple weeks, and in the meantime have the alternative food/drinks in mind to suggest to him.

    One way around things though I would guess, is to do more exercise during the day when the kids are in school, and then if he offers something at night I will be merely eating back the burned calories, which he doesn't need to know! If I go grocery shopping, I shall walk instead of drive and take a backpack. Hmmm, problem solved!
    Thanks everyone!
  • rosehippy77
    rosehippy77 Posts: 54 Member
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    my husband I am convinced is trying to sabotage me! Whether he even realizes or not I can't quite work out yet

    I'm no genius but why dont you just talk to him about it?

    I get you, but I was worried that if he's not, then it wouldn't go down so well if I accuse him! I think a couple weeks wait and see may bring it to light, then if it happens again, I shall ask him then and there, rather than bringing it up and making it sound too serious! I guess I just worry if I'm wrong!
  • Cr01502
    Cr01502 Posts: 3,614 Member
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    Hey OP

    You've got 3 options

    1) Divorce him and live on your own and make sure you never put yourself in a situation where someone may offer you food that you want

    2) Say yes to the food he offers you and continue to be overweight

    3) Say no to the food he offers you and lose weight.

    It's not supposed to be easy but I would go with option 3.
  • rosehippy77
    rosehippy77 Posts: 54 Member
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    Yes, I am totally on-board with sabotaging my spouse. Who else is signed up?

    haha! :drinker:
  • rosehippy77
    rosehippy77 Posts: 54 Member
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    Hey OP

    You've got 3 options

    1) Divorce him and live on your own and make sure you never put yourself in a situation where someone may offer you food that you want

    2) Say yes to the food he offers you and continue to be overweight

    3) Say no to the food he offers you and lose weight.


    It's not supposed to be easy but I would go with option 3.

    :laugh: I'm with you on option3! That gave me a giggle :laugh:

    Option 1 was so funny!
  • tatd_820
    tatd_820 Posts: 573 Member
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    I feel the same about mine on occasion. Every day he snacks on chips, candy, cokes...anything he wants. He always asks if I want some! What tha? Are you oblivious that I am trying dang hard to avoid that junk? This has always bugged me about him. I will be cooking dinner and he will get into the chips! Really? Grates on my nerves so bad when he does that. And of course our 2 daughters come running for a snack too. HELLO.....I am cooking dinner, we will be eating very shortly.

    Do you know what feels good though.....saying NO! Let him ask, and let yourself feel good for turning food down (especially unhealthy food). It's a huge milestone when you can turn food down without even craving it....you just don't want it.

    I do like the idea of turning around to him getting you something like ice water or a banana....something on your eating plan.

    You are in control here. Do not let anyone sabotage you. You ultimately have control over everything you put inside of your body!
  • michellelemorgan
    michellelemorgan Posts: 184 Member
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    Whenever I do anything new (change my gameplan, make new decisions, decide to become a better person somehow) I always remind my husband that no matter what changes happen in my life I will always adore him, love him and we will always be a team. I think this prevents any sort of insecurities from bubbling up. He's never given me any reason to feel he would be anything other than supportive in any decision I make. I just simply treat him the way I know he would treat me if it were him doing something drastically new. :)
  • tlorance100
    tlorance100 Posts: 18
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    My husband came home last weekend with a giant blueberry muffin for me. "It's low fat!" he exclaimed. He didn't realize that one muffin is 1/4 of my total daily calories. it wasn't sabotage though - he was being sweet, and what he thought was supportive.
  • prettyeyez55
    prettyeyez55 Posts: 45 Member
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    Take time and talk to him about it. you are still new on your journey. My husband and I split up 2 months ago and it has been rough but he is not trying to sabatoge me by telling me i look like i am starving myself. I know he is just upset b/c he knows he screwed up but when we were together he was my biggest cheerleader but at first he was doing the same as your husband and one night i just broke and told him how i felt and then he became very supportive

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