how do you univite someone to your wedding?

Options
Aurora22
Aurora22 Posts: 66 Member
in Motivation and Support
somehow we accidentally added someone to our wedding email list who we did not intend to invite. we did not intend to invite them because they are my late father's girlfriend and family. my mom feels like this women, V, broke up our family, but she was really in denial as my father had not been living at home for years. needless to say, V represents a lot of negative feelings for my mom, but we became close and I really like her.
Now I don't know what to do. I feel like proper etiquette would be to honor the mistaken invitation, but I am worried that I will add undo stress to my mom. and she a condition triggered by stress where she becomes violently ill. often just a family holiday brings enough stress to trigger her illness.
What should I do???? if I honor the invitation, should I tell my mom? I feel like maybe it would be better to be surprised so that she doesn't spend a bunch of time thinking about seeing V.

Replies

  • marybethbeech
    marybethbeech Posts: 181
    Options
    Etiquette says that once you send someone a save the date, or any invitation, then they're invited to the wedding. This sounds like a really tough situation, though. I don't know what to say... Except maybe go with your gut.

    If you called V and explained the situation with your mom to her, would she be understanding?
  • Allibaba
    Allibaba Posts: 457 Member
    Options
    If you really think that your Mom will have a big problem with them there then you have to talk to V and tell her the mistake. The other option is to talk to your Mom and see how she feels. Either way someone is going to be a bit hurt or put out, but what is done is done so you just have to bite the bullet and have some tough conversations.

    Good luck!
  • merimeaux
    merimeaux Posts: 304 Member
    Options
    Really, your wedding is about you, so ultimately you have to think about what *you* want on your special day. But I TOTALLY understand wanting to avoid drama and illness. Here's my advice: either uninvite her with as much civility as possible if you decide that you just want to avoid the unpleasant situation and the worrying that will go along with it...OR do tell your mother in advance that you invited V, which will give your mother time to emotionally prepare for the upcoming meeting (or at the very least, the upcoming sighting). I know if my mom would see the girl who helped break up her marriage--and I knew in advance that the girl would be there--my mom would probably never forgive me. Good luck!
  • aippolito1
    aippolito1 Posts: 4,894 Member
    Options
    If you want her there, don't worry about your mom. This is your day, not your mom's. You invited her, you can't uninvite her. That's just how it goes.
  • KimmyBee
    KimmyBee Posts: 158 Member
    Options
    This is your big day, not your mums! invite who you wish.

    If your mum loves you she will probaby be so happy for the day of the wedding she wont care.

    Also, Id sit her down and tell her in advance, if she objects then just tell her that its your day and if it stresses her out too much she can not come if she chooses (maybe thats a little too much tough love, but hey, as I said above, she will probs be too chuffed for the wedding she wont care) maybe it would help to sit V on the grooms side to allow a little space?
  • KimmyBee
    KimmyBee Posts: 158 Member
    Options
    and double post, but oh well.

    I have been in the same situation, my dad leaving my mum and my mum blaming it on the woman he was with. Trust me, I know the stresses of having to have them all together for a big event. But heres something I've learned (again, I dont know the situation so sorry if im completely wrong)

    But the only person who split up that marriage is your dad. He knew he was married, the woman he was with was just the woman he was with. Its not necessarily got anything to do with her. The person your mother should be blaming is her husband, not this poor woman who fell in love with him. PEople move on, one failed marriage doesnt mean you dad can never date again.

    Again, sorry for the bluntness, You may beat me with your pointy pointy words if you wish lol. its just that this is a partcular sore subject for me, I thought if i was going to give advice theres no point in beating around the bush. lol.
  • vox779
    vox779 Posts: 7
    Options
    Tough situation, for sure! There is no easy solution to this situation... but hey, you're on MFP doing hard work already! So, you have what it takes to do what you have to do. You've already proven that. Let that boost your confidence about what to do.

    My take on it...
    If I were you, I'd want to honor my mom in this situation. Also, you never really intended to invite V; it was a mistake, you said. And lucky for you, it's a mistake that can be undone. So, going back to V and saying "look, I'm sorry, I didn't intend to send the invite because I didn't want to stress out my mom. Sorry for the mistake and please forgive me for rescinding the invitation," is okay to do. If you don't want to do it in person or via the phone, send an email. I mean, it WAS an Evite in the first place, right? Especially if V really did become a friend of yours, she should understand when you tell her. If she doesn't, you probably weren't nearly as close to her as you thought.

    The "you can't uninvite people you already invited" advice sounds like one of those "rules" that causes way more problems than it ever solves (if, in fact, it ever solves anything!). Do yourself and those close to you a favor: shoot a hole in that piece of advice and let it sink to the bottom of the sea where it belongs. Better advice is "if you do something wrong, do everything you can to make it right."

    Ironically and perhaps coincidentally, I know a couple who, to this day, regret not uninviting someone to their wedding for a similar reason. What a horrible memory to have attached to your wedding... that you should have uninvited someone but didn't! Look, save yourself (and your mom) the grief at your wedding and tell V you made a mistake, and then move forward with planning the happy day!

    Ultimately, I agree with one piece of advice everyone keeps giving: This is your day with your future spouse... so, go with what you think will make for the best day and best memories possible for you both!

    Best wishes for a great wedding and fulfilling marriage!
  • tissyazd
    tissyazd Posts: 221 Member
    Options
    Yes this day is about you, but don't you want your mom to have a memorable, special day, too? As easy as this for someone who doesn't have to do it, I say send her an email and just explain the situation and let her know that you do care for her as well and maybe can catch up one day. Put it this way, who do you want to hurt the least? For me, I do all I can not to hurt my momma! And, it will ruin her time on your day. Or, you could wait and see if she even responds?? Then make your decision. Good Luck!
  • Aurora22
    Aurora22 Posts: 66 Member
    Options
    Thanks all! i think this is so hard for me because whatever I do, someone will be hurt. I do think that I have to stand by my mom even if her issues are only emotional. i will call V tonight, let her know how hard this is for me, and try to make up for it somehow!
  • tissyazd
    tissyazd Posts: 221 Member
    Options
    Good decision! Family ALWAYS comes first! Let us know how it goes!!
  • vox779
    vox779 Posts: 7
    Options
    Here's hoping V understands... :flowerforyou:

    But here's KNOWING that whatever the result, your day is going to be memorable and special, if a little hectic at some points! :laugh:

    Kuddos to you for doing the hard thing and doing it quickly. That says a million about your character. A lesser person couldn't do what you're doing. A water toast to you! :drinker:
  • Aurora22
    Aurora22 Posts: 66 Member
    Options
    I called V last night and she was really nice. She started the conversation by giving me an out and I took it. I feel like a big jerk, but at least i dealt with the situation in an honest way. Her daughter is pretty pissed at my poor manners, but V was very graceful and understanding. definitely one of the hardest things I've made myself do. Funny thing is my mom will never know.
  • peggy1952
    peggy1952 Posts: 46
    Options
    I'm guessing you need to talk to one of them and explain the situation.
    Maybe she isn't planning on attending.
    Whatever you do, I hope you have a lovely wedding and congratulations.
  • weaklink109
    weaklink109 Posts: 2,831 Member
    Options
    I called V last night and she was really nice. She started the conversation by giving me an out and I took it. I feel like a big jerk, but at least i dealt with the situation in an honest way. Her daughter is pretty pissed at my poor manners, but V was very graceful and understanding. definitely one of the hardest things I've made myself do. Funny thing is my mom will never know.

    Her DAUGHTER is upset with YOUR poor manners!!! :noway: Oh puh-lease! There is NOTHING wrong with your manners. You identified that a mistake had been made and handled everything in an upfront and honest fashion, and V--the person you invited, and subsequently uninvited-- understood and was fine with it. The "daughter" needs to get over herself and go take a "maturity" pill--too bad there is no such thing!!:ohwell:

    Have a wonderful wedding and rejoice in the fact that your mom will have a memorable day, in a good way. I think you did the right thing!!!
  • merimeaux
    merimeaux Posts: 304 Member
    Options
    I'm so glad you got it worked out! It speaks volumes for your character that you were able to do it, and do it in a civil manner. Don't worry about what her daughter thinks...of course she's more of a reactionary; she's younger. So yeah. Good work. :happy:

Categories