Introduction

This is going to be long, but this is something I've never shared with anyone. It needs out.

I'm trying (again) to "fix" my life, but I just know (again) that this will be the time that works. This has been a on-going battle for four years. Four long years. Four years, that I havent been happy. I blame my weight and being overly vain, I know that it's deeper than that. I know if I woke up tomorrow with my goal body that I wouldn't be "fixed". I can't pin point when I changed from the happy, healthy, pretty girl I was to who I am now, but I think I can place the time frame and even thinking about it hurts. It's a pit in my stomach, cold pain. I know its so much more than my appearence because of the way I feel inside.

My back story is that EVERYTHING came so easy for me. I got wonderful grades in school, had amazing friends and family (still do), I was (in my opinion, without sounding like a jerk) beautiful. I didn't need to try. Not one bit. I had it all, and I was happy. Then the drinking started at 20-21. Then because I felt down for a few weeks (I'm still convinced I was just worn out, nothing a few days off work couldn't fix) I let a doctor convince me to take Celexa. I felt SO amazing- a false amazing, but amazing. Then, I got into the gym. Hardcore. After a few months of working out for results (I was determined to have a six pack and not just a flat stomach) and not just fun, I decided to add some hydroxycut to the mix. So I was drinking on the weekends- along with drunk binging, taking Celexa for a non-existant issue, taking birth control- for the obvious reasons, and taking Hydroxycut. Obviously my body was not thriving, but I looked good and thought I felt good. Until I up a decided to quit the birth control and Celexa to "help with my workouts". Honestly, I think the sudden change in my hormones and serotonin caused me to lose my mind for a while. I sunk, and fast. I quit paying my bills after I quit my well paying job where I made about $400 a week (I was 21, I didn't have a ton in bills.) to a job where I made maybe $700 a month due to less hours. I had also moved to amother state with my cousin since I felt like I needed out of the town I was from. I drank a lot, almost every day. I ate, and ate, and ate, and ate. I went from 130 pounds to 180 in seven months. My skin was broken out and pale, my hair was fried from trying to "improve" it when I tried to motivate myself to get back on the wagon, and I felt sick every day.

Shorty after moving back home, things got slightly better. I got a better job, but still wasn't paying my bills. I bought things I thought I needed and promised myself I would work more hours and be more strict the next pay period. I lost about 30 pounds, and felt somewhat better. I also started dating a "great" guy. He was nice, and made me feel beautiful. I hadn't felt that way in a long time, and I ignored the feelings of my gut screaming "NO". After four months of dating he proposed, (I know, only four months) and of course I said yes. I knew it wasn't right, but I needed to keep the good feelings, and if I wasn't with him I could lose that. The engagement was short (of course) as was the marriage. Four months in I was again feeling low, and he had a girl friend. A beautiful, glamourous, fun girl friend. The girl I use to be. After a few tough weeks, some serious fights, and him promising to change we were okay. Or not. Then I got pregnant. So he left. Accusing me of cheating, which I did not do. As long as he claimed I was having someone else's baby he couldn't be held accountable financially. I got smart, got an attorney and started what would be an on going battle. My son was born this last August, a beautiful, healthy 9 pound 4 ounce perfect baby boy. He's the happiest baby I have ever seen, and I'm so blessed to be his mom. The divorce is finally finalized and our custody stuff is settled even though he has yet to see my son more than once or help financially support him. He can't even call or respond to texts. I'm still on the fence about asking him to just sign his rights away.

Today I'm a single mom, unemployed, over weight and unhealthy, and $20,000 dollars in debt due to lawyer fees from my divorce and medical bills an unpaid debts from four years ago. I feel broken and hopeless. Some days I'm optimistic and feel like I can "fix" myself in a year, then I feel overwhelmed and feel like I will spend the rest of my life like this. That thought scares me. It shakes me to my core. Yet, I sit here in my "black hole"- a rocking chair that I use to rock my son to sleep in and sadly spend most of day otherwise in, eating and feeling sorry for myself. I've tried motivating myself by saying if you don't change now, when will you? I've tried saying no one can do it for you. I've tried beating myself up inside hoping the sadness will help. I've tried promising myself a new car or new wardrobe after I start working and pay down my bills. I've day dreamed about the fun life that waits for me after I accomplish my goals. Yet I do nothing.

I know I need to force myself to change, and I've accepted that there will be good days and bad days. Something in the past that I couldn't do. I know it's going to take toime, it's four years of healing. I need to do it, for myself and my son.

I do apologize that this is so long, but I have honestly never talked about this with anyone. Or even typed it out as I just have. It feels good.