Help me out with an awkward friend

lauren3101
lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
in Chit-Chat
I don’t normally post these sort of things on here, but I think I need some advice from ‘outsiders’, as it were.

I have a friend called Shelley. We’ve been friends for a couple of years, and always got on pretty well. She has some faults. She absolutely loves to be the center of attention, and she has a habit of taking things the wrong way (we are talking ridiculous things) and acting like everyone is against her. I forgive her for these though, as she’s not had an easy life and it’s obvious to me that she’s just really insecure.

A few months ago, we had a new female addition to this group of friends; Rebecca, who I happened to get on well with. At around the same time, Shelley found out she was pregnant, and a few months into Rebecca arriving and Shelley becoming pregnant, Shelley told me she felt a bit pushed out, and ‘it used to just be me and her and now it’s all 3 of us and she’s the third wheel.’ I thought, maybe it’s pregnancy hormones, or maybe she’s right, and I have been inadvertently cutting her out. So, Rebecca and I arranged to meet her to sort this out, and since then I have made a considerable effort to see her regularly, more so than usual, in fact.

This was all a few months ago, and since then, Shelley has had her baby, and if anything she’s got worse. She’s been making snidey comments to both me and Rebecca seperately about our friendship, she’s been acting off with me when we meet our circle of friends, and today she made another comment about how I apparently like Rebecca more than her, this time on Facebook, and I snapped. I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells around her, I’m too old for this playground sh*te, and I feel I have done my best to be a good friend to her. I was her birthing partner when she was in labour, I have helped her through a horrendous break-up (the guy was also a friend of mine, so that was awkward) and I travel 50 miles to see her whenever I can, as I understand she has two kids so travel is more difficult. Her words to me today were 'I get it, I have a baby now so I don't fit in any more'.

I really don't know what more I can do to accomodate her. What is worrying me is that she is meant to be my bridesmaid when I get married next year, and by the way she acts and the fact that she won’t be the center of attention, I think she’s going to cause havoc. I don’t know how to approach this. I’ve tried talking to her, and it’s like dealing with a child. However, she is still my friend and I don’t to upset her. Any advice on how to approach this? Anyone been in a similar situation? Help me out here people.

Replies

  • xMonroeMisfit
    xMonroeMisfit Posts: 411 Member
    I have a friend who's the same way. Your best bet is to be an adult and confront the issue. Let her know how you feel. She's acting childish. You're still friends, still care about her and want her to be included as well. You apologize if she's felt neglected but that you're entitled to have other friendships.

    Bring up the times you were there for her if need be, to show her that you DO care about her friendship.

    If she's still babyish and complaining and making a big fuss, tell her you don't have room in your life for drama and if that's what she is going to be doing, than you need to continue on with life without the friendship.
  • madelonism
    madelonism Posts: 292 Member
    yes i was in a very simlilar situation with a friend of nine years.

    she tried to sabotage all my other relationships.

    i cut her off and plan to never speak to her again.

    thats just me though.
  • CupcakesAndRazorblades
    CupcakesAndRazorblades Posts: 227 Member
    I would tell her EXACTLY how you feel. You'll feel better to get it off your chest and she may not realize how she's acting. If someone is always there to catch you you'll never be afraid to fall, ya know?
  • TwinkieDong
    TwinkieDong Posts: 1,564 Member
    Get a dog or cat or some animal she doesnt have. Then use the same type of comments/actions she uses on you, against her.

    guys are so much easier to deal with. We would just say, quit acting like a ^%*&^%&^ then they would either know what they did, or say ....what did I do, to which you reply, you are being a *&(^*&^*&^&*( since you had the baby.
  • lutzsher
    lutzsher Posts: 1,153 Member
    The only reason to have people in your life is because they enhance it. Life is to short to argue and have bad feelings. You cannot control how another feels or thinks, only keep them in your life because they make you feel better when they are there.
    Sometimes the best thing to do is to distance yourself bit by bit as it sounds like you have also been feeling guilty for how you feel, which sounds ridiculous to me . . . again why be around someone who just makes you feel bad.
    You cannot change anyone, either you accept them the way they are or you walk away. If this person does add to your life and is also an equal participant in trying to be a friend that is one thing but if you are the one making the majority of the effort and getting nothing but dumped on as a result . . . I say move on . . .
  • TheChocolatePrincess
    TheChocolatePrincess Posts: 137 Member
    If she is truly your friend then you should be able to upset her and you should be able to remain friends. Being friends doesn't mean walking on egg shells for the sake of friendship, if anything, a friend should be one of the few people that you are able to be completely honest with.

    She is taking your friendship for granted and frankly, it sounds like she is a bit of an emotional terrorist.

    I can't imagine that you are so desperate for her friendship that it is worth driving 50 miles to see her. I suggest you make new friends and kindly tell her, "that with the new baby, as a friend, I think it is best for you to be a guest rather than a bridesmaid. I understand the expense of being a bridesmaid and I don't want to cause undue burden to you our your family"....

    If she pulls the emotional blackmail card then tell her "it's what is best for both of you" and leave it at that.

    I mean the truth is, when people get to different points in their lives, sometimes they grow apart. It is what it is.
  • minibee12
    minibee12 Posts: 55
    Shelley sounds selfish and insecure, which are not your problem. You've been a good friend but when someone takes that and tries to manipulate to suit themselves, then they aren't being a good friend to you. Tell Shelley exactly what you've told us, which is because of how she handles her emotions, she makes other people feel badly and if she wants to be a good friend, understand that you and Rebecca are trying to be good friends and no one is trying to be otherwise. It's important to tell people to consider the fact that the way you're seeing the situation is negative and what is actually going on is perfectly harmless. If people get it in their heads that they aren't being done harm, they can chill.
  • laurasnyder411
    laurasnyder411 Posts: 172 Member
    Soooo, I totally can relate on both sides of this. Girls are HARD to figure out. When I became pregnant I lost ALL of my friends...they all wanted to party and the pregnant girl is no fun to party with. Being left out sucks. Since becoming a parent I have lost all but two of my friends...only one calls and comes around and that's because she also had a kid around the same time. Parenthood can be very isolating for some. It's really hard to adjust so for your friend I get it...and empathize a little. However! She is going to have to make room for your new friends too....that's a part of life. If you really feel like the relationship is worth salvaging even after that embarrassing display of facebook nonesense, then you should talk to her and let her know that nothing has changed between you two and ask her what she wants out of the relationship...if it's something reasonable then I'd say keep her around but if she wants you to cut your other friends out of your life then that's not an option. My bestie recently told me she is preggo for round two...I will not be heading down that road and I'm totally jealous of her other friend who is pregnant with her because I felt like that was part of our special bond, but I'm also an adult. I confessed how I felt and told her I knew it was silly and didn't change anything ... and guess what? We laughed about it and I am totally over it now. People come and go and if she really is the friend you want as your bridesmaid then you have to find out what is really bugging her. Goodluck!
  • metaphoria
    metaphoria Posts: 1,432 Member
    "I've been trying to consider your feelings, but you are being emotionally manipulative and controlling. Your irrational behavior needs to end. I care about you but I'm not willing to engage in this drama of your own making. Please reconsider your attitude and behavior before you push everyone out of your life."

    Having a new baby really messes with your hormones, and you get sleep deprived and you need a lot of help just to survive theorist few months. But if she is acting like this all the time, it's time to stop enabling and coddling her. Being the center of attention doesn't work when you have kids, since they need attention. The sooner she realizes how destructive she is, the better.
  • conniemaxwell5
    conniemaxwell5 Posts: 943 Member
    It sounds like you've been holding on to the relationship either out of sympathy or the attempt to not upset her (I've done this many times). The relationship is very one sided if you are always making the effort to go to her and she isn't making attempts but complains about being left out. One of my good friends calls these people "bread stealers." You are constantly feeding them emotionally but you get nothing in return. The best friendships are two way, where both parties gain something from the relationship. Good friends also understand that they are not your only friend and that they don't have to be included every time you are with friends.

    I think it's time for an honest heart to heart conversation with her. Voice your concerns that you are trying to be her friend but her insecurities place an added burden on you to make her feel like she's included all the time and that just because you have other friends doesn't mean you don't want to be her friend. She will either understand and try to be more understanding and giving or she will choose to end the friendship. Either way you have been honest and forthright with her and have no reason to feel bad.
  • CindyRip
    CindyRip Posts: 166 Member
    Speak with her honestly and with respect, but be firm that you will no longer tolerate this kind of behavior. Nothing will change if your not honest with her and if she gets mad and throws a fit refuse to participate in her drama. What are you loosing, she obviously is not the best supportive friend, you loose the drama from your life and you no longer have to worry about her mucking up your wedding. On the other hand if your honest and she decides to change you gain a better friend, loose some of the drama and you gain a little freedom to be friends with others. Remember that you teach people how to treat you by your willingness to accept their bad behavior so ultimately it is your choice. I wonder if that isn't part of your dilemma, that you are angry because she is putting you in the place to make the decision so she can be the victim and you can be the bad guy. Yep she is a really good friend for you.
  • BogQueen1
    BogQueen1 Posts: 320 Member
    Have you talked to her about post partum depression? Maybe you should try to get a doctor to talk to her?
  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
    Some good advice here, thank you.

    I am not used to this kind of situation, I have quite a lot of friends that live miles and miles away that I don't see for months sometimes, and yet when we see each other there's never any hard feelings, so this is all a bit bizarre to me.

    Shelley has some emotional issues, doesn't have a good relationship with her parents and sees a counsellor once a week, so I kind of feel like I need to approach this in a softly-softly way.

    The trouble is, she has a remarkable ability to only see her side of the problem and no-one elses. For example, her nasty break-up happened because she got pregnant, decided she didn't want the baby and booked in for an abortion without even telling her boyfriend at the time, who obviously found out somehow. Trying to tell her that she was wrong and that I understood why he was so angry didn't go down well, and I was accused of all sorts.

    I'm not painting her in a very good light I know, she is a good person at heart, and we do get on well and we do have a laugh, which is why I'm trying to salvage something from this.
  • alpine1994
    alpine1994 Posts: 1,915 Member
    I had a friendship like this in college. Unfortunately she couldn't deal with the fact that I had other friends and a life outside of our friendship so we no longer speak. I would be up for a reconciliation since we both probably matured a lot since then but she moved far away.
  • mem50
    mem50 Posts: 1,384 Member
    Reverse situation here.

    BF for 20 years. She got a new job, new friends and I was excluded from everything "they" were doing. She got divorced a few years back and remarried and I was not even told...let alone invited. I tried to keep the friendship alive...20 years IS a long time, lots of history, lots of fun.

    The only time she wanted to be around me was when none of her other "friends" were available. I only had to be smacked on the head with a 2x4 a dozen times to get the hint that I was no wanted as a friend but as a backup.

    I tried talking to her about it, but she never had time or did not want to listen.

    I did not act childish or mean or crude and no snide comments.

    I just don't speak to her anymore.
  • GracefulDancer4Christ
    GracefulDancer4Christ Posts: 419 Member
    this! I couldn't have said it better myself
    If she is truly your friend then you should be able to upset her and you should be able to remain friends. Being friends doesn't mean walking on egg shells for the sake of friendship, if anything, a friend should be one of the few people that you are able to be completely honest with.

    She is taking your friendship for granted and frankly, it sounds like she is a bit of an emotional terrorist.

    I can't imagine that you are so desperate for her friendship that it is worth driving 50 miles to see her. I suggest you make new friends and kindly tell her, "that with the new baby, as a friend, I think it is best for you to be a guest rather than a bridesmaid. I understand the expense of being a bridesmaid and I don't want to cause undue burden to you our your family"....

    If she pulls the emotional blackmail card then tell her "it's what is best for both of you" and leave it at that.

    I mean the truth is, when people get to different points in their lives, sometimes they grow apart. It is what it is.
  • GetSoda
    GetSoda Posts: 1,267 Member
    Why bother?
  • jlemoore
    jlemoore Posts: 702 Member
    I’m too old for this playground sh*te

    I really don't know what more I can do to accomodate her.

    Sounds like you already know what to do. Cut your ties. Find a grownup to be friends with. So what it upsets her that she isn't your bridesmaid. Sounds like it will be a day about her instead of yours.
  • ChgingMe
    ChgingMe Posts: 539 Member
    how old are all of you? I'm 48 and for real. At this age I refuse to put up with drama. If it were me I would have a sit down with her. Tell her you are sick of the drama (gently as she seems a bit fragile) and end the friendship. Life is waayyyy to short to deal with the needs of others. Especially when they interfere with yours to the extent she has. She is controlling. Like Dr. Phil says. You teach people how to treat you.
  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
    how old are all of you? I'm 48 and for real. At this age I refuse to put up with drama. If it were me I would have a sit down with her. Tell her you are sick of the drama (gently as she seems a bit fragile) and end the friendship. Life is waayyyy to short to deal with the needs of others. Especially when they interfere with yours to the extent she has. She is controlling. Like Dr. Phil says. You teach people how to treat you.

    I'm 25, Rebecca is 26 and Shelley is 29.

    The trouble is, we have a lot of mutual friends (this is all part of a big car group, sad I know :smile:), and at least once a month we have regular car meets and all go out to lunch, etc. If I just end the friendship, I would bet money on the fact that Shelley would make those meets as awkward as possible, and believe me she isn't the sort to 'stay civil.' I know that is not a good reason to stay friends with her, and it certainly isn't the only reason. I like an easy life though, and both options seem difficult to me. :laugh:
  • Hayter2013
    Hayter2013 Posts: 77
    Get rid! Simple.

    Sounds harsh but if you're worrying about this so much then its not worth your hassle.

    I had a friend like this years ago, she had a baby before I did although no longer with the father and I helped her as much as I could through that, while at the time I had just moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) who she seemed to like on the surface but think she was jealous as he was a good guy.

    While we were moving again, she asked to come and stay, with her little boy in tow and I said it wasn't great timing as the flat was full of boxes and not safe for her son to be there too. She hung up. Usually I was able to drop everything and get to her, only my husband drove at the time so he used to take me to her if needs be, I'd get called up in the middle of the night.

    I didn't hear from her when we moved, it was like she was jealous she wasn't the centre of attention anymore and that I'd got a wonderful man, just what she wanted.....

    What your friend has to realise is, communication works both ways, so if she feels like you don't see her, why doesn't she try harder to come see you. Or Skype so she can see you.

    Obviously life with kids is different to life with no kids as we have friends with no kids who we feel "just don't get it" but at the end of the day, it was our choice to have kids too and cut out any major socilising (clubs at weekends) we were doing

    She needs to grow the hell up!!:angry:
  • Mustang_Susie
    Mustang_Susie Posts: 7,045 Member
    Sounds like her MO is to make bad decisions, blame others and play the vicitm.
    You are not responsible for her happiness.
    Excellent book: "Boundaries" by Cloud and Thompson, talks all about dealing with these kind of people.
    Would highly recommend it.
  • vtmoon
    vtmoon Posts: 3,436 Member
    Bitshes be crazy, yo!

    Sometimes walking away is not a bad thing. Try talking to here, but if she is the type of person who feeds on drama then all talking will do is make you out to be the villain somehow.

    Or you can step the crazy level up to force the relationship into a breaking which will help determine if it's worth saving after all. Tell her you are pregnant and the babydaddy is in jail and you trying to break him out, say you need her help with the jailbreak. If she refuses then proceed to tell her how bad of a friend she has been since she gave birth and you feel that you are a third wheel with the baby around,even go as far as suggesting adoption. See how she reacts to the new level of crazy, and go from there, or just break up like I said cause some people are crazy.
  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member

    Or you can step the crazy level up to force the relationship into a breaking which will help determine if it's worth saving after all. Tell her you are pregnant and the babydaddy is in jail and you trying to break him out, say you need her help with the jailbreak. If she refuses then proceed to tell her how bad of a friend she has been since she gave birth and you feel that you are a third wheel with the baby around,even go as far as suggesting adoption. See how she reacts to the new level of crazy, and go from there, or just break up like I said cause some people are crazy.

    This is probably the best advice in the whole thread. :laugh:
  • CindyRip
    CindyRip Posts: 166 Member
    So you didn't really want advice, just to vent. I'm good with that. Hope you feel better.
  • lauren3101
    lauren3101 Posts: 1,853 Member
    So you didn't really want advice, just to vent. I'm good with that. Hope you feel better.

    ?

    I did want and get advice.

    I am going to talk to her when I see her on Sunday. Not entirely sure how best to approach the situation yet or whether it's worth trying to sort it or better just to end the friendship, but I know it can't go on like this.

Categories