How to motivate your partner...

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teachmom32
teachmom32 Posts: 183 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
My husband and I started losing weight together. We were doing great... Now he doesn't seem to care nearly as much as I do. In the last 7 weeks, he's lost .2 pounds. He weighs 244 pounds and is only 5'7". His family has a history of obesity and his grandma died when she was 53 from a heart attack.

I gave my husband the bodybugg that I used to wear and I bought a body media fit. We both wear them daily. My husband uses his to change how many calories he eats (still eats at a deficit of 500), but he NEVER exercises anymore. As far as his eating, he doesn't faithfully log his food and when he makes things from scratch, he totally guesses on the calories and quick adds them. Obviously, this approach is not working for him. When I try to convince him to exercise with me, he tells me I do "fake"exercises, because workout videos and walking/jogging in my house (weather has been HORRIBLE in Michigan) is not real exercise.

If it was just the two of us, I wouldn't care as much about this. We have two daughters, though, that are being influenced by both of us. They watch him sit in his recliner watching TV or going on the computer for 4-5 hours every day and never working out. My 10 year old daughter has a waist size of 31 inches. Her genetics and her views on food and exercise are not doing well for her. I worry that she will be an obese teenager and adult. She's been in plus size clothing since she was six. My husband doesn't feel like his actions have any effect on our children.

Any thoughts or advice on this situation? It's really starting to bother me...
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Replies

  • 3foldchord
    3foldchord Posts: 2,918 Member
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    you can't control your husband or change his mind,
    You can limit / change foods for your daughter. don't buy sweets or goodies (at least not often) require her to bike ride "X" miles a week to earn computer/TV time. Have her cook with you and discuss nutrition and food balancing.
  • rsjohnb
    rsjohnb Posts: 215 Member
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    Its really hard to sync yourself and your level with others over a prolonged period of time. I imagine your husband will also be getting upset about you going on at him about it and that might be leading to him being negative about your efforts.

    why don't you suggest to him that your going to give him a break for a week but after that you want him to really try even if its just to help you, maybe badminton or something that the kids could join in on.

    good luck :)
  • shadow2soul
    shadow2soul Posts: 7,692 Member
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    I honestly have no idea. Me and my husband started working on weight loss last year. We both lost a lot of weight last year , I got down to 196lbs (5'4" starting at 260lbs) and he was down to 205lbs (6'1" starting at 235lbs). We weren't counting calories, just working out, but then birthdays/holidays came around and we slacked off. Both of us gaining weight and by mid feb we were both back to 225lbs. I have since lost weight again and started calorie counting to help make it so that birthdays/holidays don't have such a big impact. My husband on the other hand has lost 2lbs since feb, but he refuses to count calories and only works out occasionally.

    I wish I knew why last year he wanted to workout, so that I could get him into it again. Overall though, I'm going to keep doing my thing and hope that eventually he will want to join me in working out again. If not *shrug* I can only hope he won't let his health get too far out of hand.
  • EngineerPrincess
    EngineerPrincess Posts: 306 Member
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    Your husband has to want to get there himself (when you look fabulous, he'll want to as well.) Do active activities with your daughter and don't LET her overeat. You're her parent. When I was little my mom let me eat as much food as I wanted, but the *types* of foods she gave me were healthy, if I wanted a healthy snack or even a treat I could ask and she'd always say yes to healthy snacks, but I didn't have free access to snack food like most kids these days have. Chips and candy were a rarely-food.) , it's SO much easier to help her with this now than let it lead into teenage/adulthood, I know too many young adults now who love their parents but slightly resent the fact that they were "enablers" to their weight problems and overfed them/let them overeat as children. It's easier to fix in childhood. Talk to her pediatrician and best of luck!
  • teachmom32
    teachmom32 Posts: 183 Member
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    I don't have any snack foods in the house anymore. My children eat lots of fruit. They love veggies and they will eat bread all the time. They are ADDICTED to ranch dressing, and as soon as the bottle we have is gone, I will not be buying anymore. I've tried to have my daughter work out with me, but she gets winded after about 3 minutes and then stops. The weather outside is not conducive to biking yet, but I'm hopeful that as it warms up she will become more active now that I am much more active. I'm also sending her to a camp this summer where she can bike, swim, canoe, etc. The food is monitored and they are kept active ALL DAY long. Right now, her schedule is crazy. She has to wake up at 6 to get on a bus by 6:50. She doesn't get home from school until 4:20. Between showering, eating dinner, doing her homework, helping out with household chores, she only has about an hour of downtime before her 8:00 bedtime. Summer can't come fast enough!!!
  • EngineerPrincess
    EngineerPrincess Posts: 306 Member
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    I actually find school is good, people are busy and active and they don't eat from boredom. That's really good you're trying/limiting snack food/sending her to camp! I could never "work out" when I was younger as I got winded and bored easily as well but I did like some sports like gymnastics and swimming, or even just running around with friends. Then again, in the 90s we ran around and played tag or tetherball or scootered when we "hung out"...now so many kids I see sit around on their parents ipads/computers to socialize.
  • Contrarian
    Contrarian Posts: 8,138 Member
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    All you can do is lead by example. If he doesn't want to, he won't.
  • HollisGrant
    HollisGrant Posts: 2,022 Member
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    Sell his recliner... that'll get his attention. :bigsmile:

    Kidding aside (sorta), why don't you make an appointment for both of you for physicals with your doctor? Maybe the doctor can talk him into losing some weight.

    Also, Idea #2, sign both of you up for an exercise program where you have to leave the house and other people are involved (like at the Y).
  • fiberartist219
    fiberartist219 Posts: 1,865 Member
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    I agree that all you can do is lead by example.

    My husband inspired me to lose weight because he was working hard to get fit himself. He never pressured me to workout with him and he never said anything about what I was eating. He just asked that I support him in his efforts. So, if I had cookies in the house, he wanted them kept hidden away from him. He just led by a good example.

    You really need to drop it. He's an adult and can decide for himself if and how he wants to lose weight. If you constantly pick at him, he is going to rebel. He needs to figure this out on his own.

    I know that what worked for my husband is not what worked for me. My husband gets his exercise from running and from the Bowflex. I hate both of those. I had better success with jump rope and DVDs. He lost weight by eating less food and eating less often. Personally, I turn into a monster if I don't eat enough, so I had to switch up what I was eating, rather than how much. We are two very different people when it comes to losing weight, because we are motivated differently.

    My suggestion to you is to back off and let him do whatever he wants. Just keep going forward with your own weight loss efforts and be as healthy as YOU can be. Either he'll get on board, or he won't, but he's an adult and he needs your respect and support for whatever it is that he's going to do.
  • 3dogsrunning
    3dogsrunning Posts: 27,167 Member
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    Promise of certain favors?
  • Etienne54
    Etienne54 Posts: 88 Member
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    I guess if he finds that what you do are "fake" exercise, you should ask him to join a gym and get a trainer + Nutritionist for about 3 months. Worked for many people close to me.

    Once the 3 months are over, he'll see the changes and the new fond strength he gained in that time frame.

    For most guys out there, physical strength and changes are the greatest motivation.

    Good luck, like many said, everyone has their way to lose the weight.
  • esphixiet
    esphixiet Posts: 214 Member
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    I think you should focus on your daughter more than your husband. The suggestions to get your daughter involved in cooking, and earn computer/tv time with "outside" time (I wouldn't push exercise, just healthy activity) are great ideas. If she's already experiencing weight concerns at 10, something seriously needs to change.
    As for your husband... you cant do or say anything that will MAKE him change. But maybe like your daughter, you need to lead by example, he'll see your success, and want to join in, eventually.

    I have a hard time eating properly because my spouse has a high metabolism and eats crap non stop. Willpower is key. Stay strong!! You're doing everything right! Keep it up!
  • billsica
    billsica Posts: 4,741 Member
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    Just worry about your kids. Not much you can do about your husband. He can make is own decisions.
  • mistesh
    mistesh Posts: 243 Member
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    Be in the room when the doctor discusses his annual physical. Focus on out of range results like prediabetes.
  • jones223
    jones223 Posts: 2 Member
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    Like most people have said, you cannot motivate someone. You can only create an environment where that person feels motivated.

    From what you've told use, he is viewing exercise and living a healthy lifestyle from a different perspective than you. It may take a significant event for him to change his point of view.

    That being said, think about what could be a a win-win situation for both of you, and present it to him. Maybe he is discouraged from dieting and exercise for a "good reason". Find out what that reason is and you may be able to sort out this issue.
  • Railr0aderTony
    Railr0aderTony Posts: 6,804 Member
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    All you can do is lead by example. If he doesn't want to, he won't.

    This^^^^
  • Dogwalkingirl
    Dogwalkingirl Posts: 320 Member
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    I wrote a post today in the "success stories' section because my boyfriend (who is about 100lbs overweight) told me he wants to get in shape with me and we are going to join a gym tomorrow!!

    I am sorry to say but you just can't motivate them. DO NOT NAG, never put him down and don't become a total food Nazi.

    I make sure there are always healthy options in the house for snacking, and I cook a lot of the meals so I know what is in everything. I enjoy cooking so like this part of it.

    I think what has made my boyfriend start to make a change is seeing the change in me. He wants to keep up and do activities with me, he sees me change in energy and how happy I am. Hopefully the change in you will help him. I know how annoying it is but your husband has to want to do it for himself.
  • croooz
    croooz Posts: 48 Member
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    SInce he hasn't lost weight he's not eating at a deficit. He also may not believe he can lose the fat. Perhaps talking to him about his reasons (fears) would be appropriate. It reads as though he's only going through the motions and only when he's ready will it happen. I lost 27lb last year and my wife would constantly decide to bake, order pizza, or bring home "treats." My cheat meal, turned into a cheat day, into a cheat weekend, and next thing you know I was back to my starting weight. This year she decided to jump onboard because of a recent health problem her mom is facing. So now we're doing it together. No exercise yet but I don't care about that. Small steps. As long as she's tracking her calories and losing a pound or two then it's a start. I figure once she's lost 20-30lb of fat she'll get motivated to weightlift.

    Truly the most important aspect is to get the calories under control. Let the nutrition dictate the fat-loss and once pounds start to come off he'll want to transform his physique more than just become a smaller version of himself. There is a good program that gives a waist-to-shoulder ration which is a more tangible goal than to "look good" or benchpress X amount. Perhaps having him google "Adonis Golden Ratio" he might check out the program and gain the motivation. They have a forum there as well to help with questions, concerns, and motivation.

    In the end it'll be his decision and no amount of persuading, nagging, or threats are going to work. He has to have a reason to lose the fat and not excuses why he doesn't. In the meantime you keep doing what you're doing. Last thought would be that perhaps you do "real" exercises with him. Get a squat rack from places like Rogue fitness and start working out at home with him doing those "real" exercises. He's not the only one by the way who says that...I do too.
  • Armyantzzz
    Armyantzzz Posts: 214 Member
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    He's probably not seeing the kind of results he wants/needs to see to continue. You can't make anyone do anything , and if you could you would constantly have to watch over them and that doesn't work. He has to find the motivation. My suggestion would be to plan a nice dinner or outing to talk about it. Be careful... you just want to understand his point of view... and if he's willing to share that , then you can acknowledge it and still leave it up to him to proceed from that point. With any luck he will readjust his thinking and get back on track. My experience has been that it's very difficult to "move" people out of their "comfort zone".... however , if you acknowledge their point of view (without judgement) , they will appreciate it in time. Good luck to the both of you.
  • AngelicxAnnihilation
    AngelicxAnnihilation Posts: 336 Member
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    Plan family activities and make exercise seem like part of being a great parent. Instead of focusing on exercising with treadmills and whatever else, have him do something with you and your daughter (soccer, basketball, swimming, track and field, homemade obstacle courses). As long as she is having fun, he should be having fun with her. Maybe you should have your daughter have an appointment with the doctor if she is at a heavier weight and show him the results from that and tell him that as a parent, he is a cause of weight gain. Or, you could try to lead by example and he'll see how awesome you look... good luck

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