If you USED TO be Vegan-- help needed!
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jb6968
Posts: 10
My husband is vegan. Now, I'm sure I'll get bashed to hell for saying what I'm about to say. But please note, it's not that I am not supportive of vegans. I have supported his lifestyle for the last year... but I'm at my wits end.
In 2012 my husband watched the documentary Forks Over Knives and decided to be a vegan. His reasoning is that it's "so healthy". He is not vegan because of compassion to animals, whatsoever. Again, it's purely for health reasons. He is convinced that eating meat is a direct link to heart disease and other problems. In general, he is someone that likes to debate so I think he enjoys being vegan just to be different and be able to engage in debates with people. I've tried to debate with him before about the cons of being vegan, the debunking of some of his prized doctors work, etc but he is just really stubborn.
If I have to hear how bad animal proteins are one more time, something is getting broken. It drives me crazy because he's such a hypocrite. My 4oz of steak is going to kill me but his lays potato chips? No, that's okay. In fact, potatoes are plants so it might even be healthy. YES HE HAS ACTUALLY SAID THIS.
I think even most vegans would say that he's not eating a balanced diet. He doesn't make an effort at all to watch his eating and make sure he's getting enough calcium, protein, etc. He takes no supplements. He does eat processed food but is in denial about how much it is. I feel like over the last year I have watched his health decline, but I can't get him to see that.
He runs purely on energy drinks. In fact, just last night I had two glasses of wine and stayed up until 3am with a friend. Even after the wine and late hour, I got up at 8:30am and worked out. My husband is still asleep at 12:30, and he went to bed at 1:00am. This is very typical, but my husband will say his lack of energy is due to his inconsistent work schedule. Over the last year he has never worked out once and will give me every excuse in the book as to why he can't start. Last time he said he would start on March 1st so that he could start on a fresh month (LOL). March came and went. Back when he was eating meat we used to do a lot of activity together- and he was 70lbs heavier.
Probably the most bothersome of all is the fact that since he made this lifestyle change HE HAS ABSOLUTELY EATEN MEAT AND DAIRY. Several times. In fact, just yesterday I made a quiche for the first time and I made no separate meal for him. He could have made himself something (he's a big boy!)- instead he ate the quiche, and even tried to be sneaky about it. After I brought it up he insisted it was a slip-up, and even had the nerve to say- after eating HALF the quiche- that the quiche wasn't good.
He has done this several times before- eaten meat/dairy and insisted that it wasn't good AS he is eating it, or directly after.
Frankly, it's beginning to seem like a joke. I'm tired of cooking separate meals for what seems like no reason. I'm tired of having to buy all this tofu franken**** at the grocery store. I'm tired of feeling like ALL we eat is carbs. I'm tired of feeling like we are not united as a family and household anymore.
I guess I'm just wondering, if you used to be a vegan, what made you change? How can I get through to him?
In 2012 my husband watched the documentary Forks Over Knives and decided to be a vegan. His reasoning is that it's "so healthy". He is not vegan because of compassion to animals, whatsoever. Again, it's purely for health reasons. He is convinced that eating meat is a direct link to heart disease and other problems. In general, he is someone that likes to debate so I think he enjoys being vegan just to be different and be able to engage in debates with people. I've tried to debate with him before about the cons of being vegan, the debunking of some of his prized doctors work, etc but he is just really stubborn.
If I have to hear how bad animal proteins are one more time, something is getting broken. It drives me crazy because he's such a hypocrite. My 4oz of steak is going to kill me but his lays potato chips? No, that's okay. In fact, potatoes are plants so it might even be healthy. YES HE HAS ACTUALLY SAID THIS.
I think even most vegans would say that he's not eating a balanced diet. He doesn't make an effort at all to watch his eating and make sure he's getting enough calcium, protein, etc. He takes no supplements. He does eat processed food but is in denial about how much it is. I feel like over the last year I have watched his health decline, but I can't get him to see that.
He runs purely on energy drinks. In fact, just last night I had two glasses of wine and stayed up until 3am with a friend. Even after the wine and late hour, I got up at 8:30am and worked out. My husband is still asleep at 12:30, and he went to bed at 1:00am. This is very typical, but my husband will say his lack of energy is due to his inconsistent work schedule. Over the last year he has never worked out once and will give me every excuse in the book as to why he can't start. Last time he said he would start on March 1st so that he could start on a fresh month (LOL). March came and went. Back when he was eating meat we used to do a lot of activity together- and he was 70lbs heavier.
Probably the most bothersome of all is the fact that since he made this lifestyle change HE HAS ABSOLUTELY EATEN MEAT AND DAIRY. Several times. In fact, just yesterday I made a quiche for the first time and I made no separate meal for him. He could have made himself something (he's a big boy!)- instead he ate the quiche, and even tried to be sneaky about it. After I brought it up he insisted it was a slip-up, and even had the nerve to say- after eating HALF the quiche- that the quiche wasn't good.
He has done this several times before- eaten meat/dairy and insisted that it wasn't good AS he is eating it, or directly after.
Frankly, it's beginning to seem like a joke. I'm tired of cooking separate meals for what seems like no reason. I'm tired of having to buy all this tofu franken**** at the grocery store. I'm tired of feeling like ALL we eat is carbs. I'm tired of feeling like we are not united as a family and household anymore.
I guess I'm just wondering, if you used to be a vegan, what made you change? How can I get through to him?
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Replies
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Hmmm tricky. From what you say he sounds like a spoilt little kid. I wouldn't pander to him. Refuse to cook seperate meals for him. If he is THAT vegan he will make it himself. Also refuse to buy his vegan things so he has to buy it himself.
Don't rise to it. Don't argue, don't fight him. When ever he starts about meat being a direct link to heart disease just smile and say "thats nice dear". When he goes on about you eating meat just nod and say "You live by your standards and I will live by mine". He is attention seeking don't give him any.
If he is genuinely wanting to be vegan he will start doing it all himself. If he isn;t and you are the main cook etc then he will soon carry on eating what you put in front of him.
If he argues that hes dont want the meat you serve up say "just eat the veg then." Don't rise, don't argue, don't accomadate!0 -
"That's nice dear" covers it pretty well. He spoke....you heard him...acknowledged what he said. Now he can be a grown up and walk his talk. Make sure you're cooking enough veggies so he has something to eat, if you're cooking for both of you, but eat what you want and let him do the same. I think a talk with a nutritionist might be good for him..if he would agree that maybe he has some things to learn.0
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Sounds like the problem isn't that he's 'vegan' but that he is using 'veganism' as a magic pill to avoid personal responsibility.
Personally I'm a vegan for environmental reasons, but I try not to be a jerk about it and be responsible for making sure I have my own, healthy meals.
Make him take responsibility for his actions. If he wants to debate, don't rise to it. If he acts like a kid, he gets treated like a kid. Sometimes the best way to get out of a bad situation is to remove yourself from it. I don't mean you need to leave him, but you do need to step out of this fight. If it doesn't get better, try counselling.0 -
Well documented propaganda makes people brains fall out.0
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Sounds like the problem isn't that he's 'vegan' but that he is using 'veganism' as a magic pill to avoid personal responsibility.
Personally I'm a vegan for environmental reasons, but I try not to be a jerk about it and be responsible for making sure I have my own, healthy meals.
Make him take responsibility for his actions. If he wants to debate, don't rise to it. If he acts like a kid, he gets treated like a kid. Sometimes the best way to get out of a bad situation is to remove yourself from it. I don't mean you need to leave him, but you do need to step out of this fight. If it doesn't get better, try counselling.
This is what I was trying to say but this is far better said!!0 -
Like others have said, stop pandering to him. Just make meals where the meat is separate or in big enough pieces to remove and have a side of vegetables, if he wants something else he can make it himself. He's not a child.0
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He's a grown man, and can care for himself. I wouldn't argue with him, or try to debate with him. It sounds to me like you're both playing a game with each other over who is eating/drinking what and what is worse because that sounds like it's being a huge divider. He sounds like he's using being vegan to get treated special or to use as some card he can play.
Maybe bring up wanting to do more things together - active, or not. Tell him he needs to start helping prepare meals, or coming up with recipes you can make non vegan/he can make vegan but you can still eat together. Watch other programs about food that doesn't pin one life style against another, and maybe it'll spark something inside him the way Forks over knives did.
I was vegan, and vegetarian. It really just was because I wanted to, and really enjoyed cooking that way, eating that way, and it interested me. I felt good, and once I stopped feeling awesome I went back to what feels right - now I'm lactose intolerant and eat poultry and fish.0 -
I think he missed the ENTIRE POINT of Forks Over Knives. Isn't the point of this doc (and Food Inc., Food Matters, etc) that we eat plants, but as non-processed as we can? There is nothing healthy at all about energy drinks and chips.
I won't get on your soap box with you, no matter how tempting it is! Be secure in your belief that you are doing what you can for yourself, you have no control over his decisions and body, and some day he will understand that how ****ty he feels is because of his diet.
In the meantime, you can support your own health (and his) by making sure there are lots and lots of plant-based foods to go along with that delicious steak.
Stay strong, sister!0 -
Sounds like the problem isn't that he's 'vegan' but that he is using 'veganism' as a magic pill to avoid personal responsibility.
Personally I'm a vegan for environmental reasons, but I try not to be a jerk about it and be responsible for making sure I have my own, healthy meals.
Make him take responsibility for his actions. If he wants to debate, don't rise to it. If he acts like a kid, he gets treated like a kid. Sometimes the best way to get out of a bad situation is to remove yourself from it. I don't mean you need to leave him, but you do need to step out of this fight. If it doesn't get better, try counselling.
This (from a vegetarian, me), also add don't make special meals for him unless he's cooking yours sometimes. It works both ways.0 -
Eating Vegan can be unhealthy if you don't eat a balanced diet which it sounds like your Husband doesn't. He shouldn't need supplements if he eats right. Be supportive of him ignore his snide remarks. Back to the yes thats nice dear. Even willingly cook his separate dinners.
Then you can rightfully say I 100% support your eating choices please respect mine.
Energy drinks will only make him more tired and are really bad for him they can also be addictive.
I am not quite Vegan. I don't eat Meat, Cows Dairy and Eggs. But I do eat honey and Goats cheese as well as fish.
I eat the way I do because the foods I cut out make me ill. I was raised Vegan but went to Eating meat etc in my early 20's. 10 years on I realised by process of elimination my health problems were caused by Meat etc.
My partner cooks and often does 4 different meals She is a true Carnivore Blue steak being her favourite. The kids all eat different as well.
It takes time getting used to planning for several different meals but its worth it.0 -
Eating Vegan can be unhealthy if you don't eat a balanced diet which it sounds like your Husband doesn't. He shouldn't need supplements if he eats right. Be supportive of him ignore his snide remarks. Back to the yes thats nice dear. Even willingly cook his separate dinners.
Then you can rightfully say I 100% support your eating choices please respect mine.
Energy drinks will only make him more tired and are really bad for him they can also be addictive.
I am not quite Vegan. I don't eat Meat, Cows Dairy and Eggs. But I do eat honey and Goats cheese as well as fish.
I eat the way I do because the foods I cut out make me ill. I was raised Vegan but went to Eating meat etc in my early 20's. 10 years on I realised by process of elimination my health problems were caused by Meat etc.
My partner cooks and often does 4 different meals She is a true Carnivore Blue steak being her favourite. The kids all eat different as well.
It takes time getting used to planning for several different meals but its worth it.
Any diet/lifestyle can be unhealthy if you don't eat a balanced diet0 -
I used to be vegan all throughout my teen years, I went back to eating meat, and now at 30 I'm thinking of going beyond vegan and into a raw and living foods diet (if possible).
When I was vegan, I wouldn't touch potato chips. Mostly because of the hydrolyzed oil chocked full of man-made trans-fatty acids which are terrible for triglycerides and cholesterol. I also wouldn't "sneak" foods that were not vegan. That would make no sense to me. Either you are or you aren't. There's no two ways about it.
As a vegan, I had a ton of energy! It was the best I ever felt, which is why I'm considering going back to a similar lifestyle. I'm not the type of person to say "meat is the devil and it's going to kill you". We're all going to die eventually. A vegan/veggie/raw diet is not for everyone, that's for sure. People have to find what works for THEIR body,
It sounds as if your husband has not found what works for him yet. Crap food is crap food, it doesn't matter if it's animal based or not. I'm pretty sure between the hydrolyzed oils and sodium content, we can all agree that potato chips are a crap food. I've known a lot of lazy vegans that think they are healthy by subsisting on boca burgers and Amy's bean burritos. They aren't. This sort of mentality is common among newly-gone vegan people. It usually takes awhile for it to dawn on them that processed food is okay as a treat, but if health is the goal, they need to eat a variety of fruits and vegetables in their natural state.
The other key thing about when I was vegan, is the fact that I cooked my own meals. My mother cooked for the rest of the family. It was up to me, and I preferred it that way. My mother had never been introduced to that lifestyle, so how could she possibly cook for me?
I agree with the "that's nice dear" comments. It sounds like he's enjoying being on his high horse, and you don't have to fall prey to that. And tell the man to make his own meals. You aren't his slave, and you certainly don't have to join him in his vegan adventure. Maybe he'll get sick of his lack of variety and go back to eating whatever he wants. Or maybe he'll wisen up and actually do more research into how to get proper nutrition in a vegan diet. Either way, he's probably too stubborn to listen to you. You're just going to have to let him figure it out on his own, and ignore it. Or start breaking things.0 -
Mmmm, oreo cookie vegans are worse than compassionate vegans. Not only will they tell you how much better they are, but eating garbage while doing it. The best part about being a vegan is the amazingly healthy foods unencumbered by large amounts of animal fats. I wish you the best, and him too!
If he wants to talk down to you about your food choices, he can make his own food.0 -
Why are you cooking 2 separate meals?? You did point out that he's a big boy, so why not let him make his meals?
I was a Vegetarian years ago & became a strict Vegan for 2 years, all of this was years ago. I learned how to eat correctly by reading / purchasing magazines & books. I'd cook 2 separate meals only because my 2 son's were meat eaters & I wasn't. Time consuming= Most Definitely, but all well worth it to me. There's lots of info out there, he just has to learn to read more on what he should or shouldn't eat. Doesn't take a scientist to figure that out!
To this day I'm no longer a Vegetarian however, I eat very little red meat, no eggs, no regular milk and would take a Veggie Burger over a meat burger any day :happy:
Be Firm & tell him to get off his lazy butt & do his own grocery shopping & cooking! Tell him the stress for you isn't worth it. Be Firm & Hold Your Ground. Once he sees your Strength, he'll be dancing his own dance alone. Good Luck
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That same documentary convinced my brother and his girlfriend to go vegan so my mom and I watched it. While I enjoyed the movie and I agree with some of the points of it (ex: we eat way more protein than we need or is probably even healthy for us), I must say the research methodology is horrible. They have no control groups and the people who were practically dying and are now amazingly fit and healthy made huge lifestyle changes (diet AND exercise) so they can't really attribute their health changes specifically to being vegan.
But as far as your question goes, I am not vegan or vegetarian myself so I don't have advice as why I decided to switch. I have several vegan friends that have chosen that diet for differing reasons but they are all pretty conscientious about having a well-balanced diet and exercising. While I completely get your concern (I would be too if it were my husband), you have to see that it is really his choice to make. I don't know if this would help or not, but try talking to him about your concerns in a softer way (saying things like I feel worried about your health, etc.) and coming at it from a team approach, rather than telling him that his points are wrong (ex: what if we saw a nutritionist together to get our questions answered) so he sees you are on his team and have both of your best interests at heart. Making two separate meals would be a real PITA so if it's bothersome, like another poster suggested, I would work with him on finding a compromise about maybe he will cook two meals sometime or he'll make his own meal some nights, etc. Whatever works for you guys. And on a final and related note, I would recommend talking to him about what's really behind this conflict (I'm sure it's more than just cooking two meals being a pain and him not making good choice). I know I am basing this off just your one post and I don't know you personally, but from the post, it sounds like this is really tearing your marriage apart so it would be good to work on that with him (if my impression is true). If I am incorrect, than I apologize for misunderstanding. Good luck!0 -
I thought I was a vegetarian for a few years a long time ago- In truth I was mainly eating a lot of carbs and not so many vegetables. I was defiantly under the impression at the time that I was being really healthy by eating all I wanted of whatever I wanted as long as it was non-meat but got a big wake up call when I got some crazy lab work back from my doctor. When I found out my triglycerides were over 1500 I ditched the all carb diet. Good luck to you guys getting things sorted out.0
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The problem isn't that he's vegan - the problem is that he's not healthy and has zero personal responsibility or care for his health. Stop babying him and let him act like a grown up. Maybe he just has to learn things the hard way?0
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Why are you cooking 2 separate meals?? You did point out that he's a big boy, so why not let him make his meals?
I was a Vegetarian years ago & became a strict Vegan for 2 years, all of this was years ago. I learned how to eat correctly by reading / purchasing magazines & books. I'd cook 2 separate meals only because my 2 son's were meat eaters & I wasn't. Time consuming= Most Definitely, but all well worth it to me. There's lots of info out there, he just has to learn to read more on what he should or shouldn't eat. Doesn't take a scientist to figure that out!
To this day I'm no longer a Vegetarian however, I eat very little red meat, no eggs, no regular milk and would take a Veggie Burger over a meat burger any day :happy:
Be Firm & tell him to get off his lazy butt & do his own grocery shopping & cooking! Tell him the stress for you isn't worth it. Be Firm & Hold Your Ground. Once he sees your Strength, he'll be dancing his own dance alone. Good Luck
Well, my husband works fulltime and I'm a stay at home mom. It's always been my responsibility to cook meals and do grocery shopping. So when I cook a family dinner, I started doing meat seperate or left out. I started cooking more vegan dishes. I bought things at the store just for him so he could have something quick and easy to just pop in the microwave. That's my idea of being supportive, I suppose. When he's at home he is usually sleeping. It would be a miracle if he would actually plan ahead and cook his own meals, but when I leave that responsibility on him is when his diet starts really lacking (even more so than usual). That said, I don't cook for him every day. I don't even see him every day, sometimes. This morning he is doing his own breakfast and it looks like he went with a can of corn and a can of kidney beans. :-/0 -
Sounds like he runs on energy drinks and sleeps late due to a poor diet, not necessarily a vegan diet. Any diet can make you feel this way if its poor in nutritional value. I am vegetarian (I make many vegan meals though), buy not for health reasons, for animals. I did try and go vegan for a time but it was difficult to plan meals. Dairy and eggs are now a small part of my diet, but I switched to vegetarian for land reasons, planning, costs and how I felt. Protein combining can be annoying and difficult. To me, I am morally opposed to eating meat so would be no "slipups" unless I didn't know some meat was hidden in my meal. I wouldn't make a conscious choice to eat meat and think of it as a cheat. I doubt the doctors your husband is praising would commend his diet of potato chips, processed food and energy drinks. It's not healthy, and defeats his whole "vegan is healthy" argument. I do not cook meat. Tell him he can cook his own food. You should not have to change your diet for him. He is a grown man and can cook, at least stick veggie patties in the microwave. His diet makes no sense and I agree with you that there is no need for you to make him another meal if he will eat what you already. If he is jot vegan for compassion and eats crap and cheats there is no point.0
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Why are you cooking 2 separate meals?? You did point out that he's a big boy, so why not let him make his meals?
I was a Vegetarian years ago & became a strict Vegan for 2 years, all of this was years ago. I learned how to eat correctly by reading / purchasing magazines & books. I'd cook 2 separate meals only because my 2 son's were meat eaters & I wasn't. Time consuming= Most Definitely, but all well worth it to me. There's lots of info out there, he just has to learn to read more on what he should or shouldn't eat. Doesn't take a scientist to figure that out!
To this day I'm no longer a Vegetarian however, I eat very little red meat, no eggs, no regular milk and would take a Veggie Burger over a meat burger any day :happy:
Be Firm & tell him to get off his lazy butt & do his own grocery shopping & cooking! Tell him the stress for you isn't worth it. Be Firm & Hold Your Ground. Once he sees your Strength, he'll be dancing his own dance alone. Good Luck
Well, my husband works fulltime and I'm a stay at home mom. It's always been my responsibility to cook meals and do grocery shopping. So when I cook a family dinner, I started doing meat seperate or left out. I started cooking more vegan dishes. I bought things at the store just for him so he could have something quick and easy to just pop in the microwave. That's my idea of being supportive, I suppose. When he's at home he is usually sleeping. It would be a miracle if he would actually plan ahead and cook his own meals, but when I leave that responsibility on him is when his diet starts really lacking (even more so than usual). That said, I don't cook for him every day. I don't even see him every day, sometimes. This morning he is doing his own breakfast and it looks like he went with a can of corn and a can of kidney beans. :-/
It seems you mean well by cooking for him so he won't eat crap but this might be where some tough love comes into play. If he feels like crap for long enough maybe he will get it through his head that a crappy vegan is not healthy and he will research how to do it properly, or he will go back to eating omnivoirous and healthy or vegetarian.0
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