The person that always puts you down...

amg_89
amg_89 Posts: 184
edited September 21 in Motivation and Support
...for me it's my mom. I used to be very very thin. Now, I'm a little bigger than I'd like to be, but the key word here is "little". I literally have about 10 lbs to lose, maaaaybe 15 if I really feel like it. I'm 5'2", 120 -123 lbs. And she constantly makes comments to me. These comments vary by her mood. If she's in a good mood, it's "Honey, I'm worried about you. I'm afraid you're just going to get bigger and bigger." If she's in a bad mood, it's "Hey, there's a box of brownie mix in here, you want the whole thing?"

Awesome, mom. Thank you for making me feel like I'm a failure in life because I have love handles. I'm sorry that being an A/B college student who's worst mistake was a speeding ticket isn't good enough for you.

I've tried to talk to her about it. We've had really great talks, actually. We've also had some really great fights. I've tried every strategy--explaining that she really hurts my feelings, trying to insult her to make her feel the way i do, totally ignoring it, avoiding her, joking about it, EVERYTHING. She won't be happy with me until I weigh 100 lbs.

I'm not really asking for advice (though if you have any, I'd love to hear it) I'm just looking for someone who can relate. I feel so alone in this situation.

Replies

  • msciccone1
    msciccone1 Posts: 288 Member
    Girlllllllllllll its like I have a twin sister sharing my pain. My mom has been that person always. When I was in high school I weighed 158 but really everyone thought I was around 135 cause I am 5'6" and really the weight goes all over equally. I would wear skirts and halter tops and she would be like that doesn't look good, you are showing too much for your body type but my sister would wear same things. Then I gained weight throughout the past decade topping at 282.5 and she was like you are so big, you need to do something. Its like you didn't like me at "small" and you don't like me at "big"!!! What is it then... Lately though I don't know what it is she has been nice in saying I am starting to look good since I have lost 52 lbs. Maybe she will change for you also :huh: I tried telling her how the way she says things to me and not showing me affection affects me as a person but no matter how I put it she always didn't get it so I gave up even though it hurts from time to time but at least I don't cry as much anymore. Just make yourself happy, that is ultimately what is important :wink:
  • trainguy917
    trainguy917 Posts: 366 Member
    I have bad news for you--she won't be happy with you when you weigh 100 pounds. You'll be too thin or too tall or have the wrong color eyes or drive the wrong car or take the wrong classes. Some people are difficult. Your mother does this to exert control over you. My mother-in-law is similar, though without the insults. She knows everything and my wife doesn't have enough sense to do anything without explicit, step-by-step instructions. She even tried to explain how to conduct a wedding to the pastor who married us.

    The problem isn't you--it's her. But she can't hurt you unless you let her. Just consider the source and know that SHE IS WRONG!
  • smuehlbauer
    smuehlbauer Posts: 1,041 Member
    Wow. I am so sorry to hear that. It sounds like your mother is a very toxic person.
  • KLCole
    KLCole Posts: 22
    How awful! I am really sorry that is happening to you.

    I have a father who used to put me down for every little thing. Here's how the story went for me when I got old enough to take care of myself. I took a 7 year "break" from my dad in my early twenties. We reconnected and have a very corgial/friendly relationship but maybe talk once or twice a year. The time and space taught me that his negativity was because he had his own problems in life and took it out on other people because he couldn't handle them. He is now on wife number 4, drinks too much, and is angry all of the time. Everyone around him gets his wrath!


    I am not saying that you have to take a break from your mother. However, I am saying that what she says really isn't about you. It is about how she feels about herself.

    Good luck and hang in there!

    K.
  • Precious_Nissa
    Precious_Nissa Posts: 416
    aawww i'm so sorry that you all have that coming from someone so close....I never had the problem with my grandmother etc because as she got older, she became obese, my mother also became obese in her older years...its funny because all the women in my family were skinny and then lifes events all had us turn to food, as my grandmother taught us to do, so we in our older years became obese...

    but

    what i will say is that my 1st ex husband was the person who really put me down....He always made jokes about me gaining weight after we were together 2 years....1st he asked me to gain weight, then i gained weight and he just dogged me so bad....then on top of that, he cheated on me with a girl 100 lbs heavier than me....It was just aweful...

    all i can suggest is to have a one on one sit down with her again and just tell her that its your life and regardless of you being big or small, her support means something to you and if she cant keep the rude comments to herself then she need not say them around you....sometimes we have to just be blunt....
  • laughingdani
    laughingdani Posts: 2,275 Member
    My grandmother was the same way. I am 5'2 as well. In high school I was super tiny, but my grandmother would say things about what didn't look good on me and I was too big. I gained A LOT of weight after getting married and having twins 5 years ago. Now I have lost 45 lbs and don't have much more to go she is more supportive. But she does say stuff like "you look so much prettier now!". It feels like a backhanded compliment, like "oh I thought I was pretty even when I was fat, but now I am pretty because I lost weight?". I know it was her being nice and she was trying to give me a genuine compliment. But it still hurts....

    I decided like 'msciccone1' that I was going to do this for me and that has made all the difference. I am so much happier now and I haven't even lost all my weight yet! And when you are happy and people say negative things to you.....you know what? Those things are funny to you then. I have literally laughed in people's faces when they have tried to put me down. Because the truth is they aren't me and they don't have to live with MY body! i am happy and no one is going to take that away from me. So don't think about making your mom happy. Try to make you happy. Because like trainguy97 said, your mom won't be satisfied at the 100 lb mark, she will find something else. Some people are just like that.

    Hold your head high! If you are happy at the weight you are now then stay there. If you want to lose some weight, then lose it. But do it for you!! And no one else!

    Good Luck!
  • LainMac
    LainMac Posts: 412 Member
    As an older women (probably older than your mother), it is my opinion based on life experience, that the person "that always puts you down", is the one with the problem.

    There are always people in your life who understand themselves poorly, and when you are doing well that makes them feel bad, and therefore they say and do things to bring you down a peg. And often, these are the people who logically should be our biggest supporters.

    My grandmother (mum's mum) was one of those people for me. My favorite comment, out of so many stupid comments, was the:

    "10 years ago you lost some weight and looked good, but now you're fat again."

    Did she every complement me during the weight loss of ten years back? You guess it, of course not.

    I read your profile and from that I can extrapolate that you are "doing things" in your life. It seems that those love handles, (which if you are here, you know about and working to remove), are the lone thing that your mum can find to bring you down. If that is so, then honey, you are doing, really, really well.

    So the next time your mum says something stupid, run over to her, give her a big hug, and tell her that you are sorry that she isn't a happier person right now. And then trot away with a light and happy step with a huge "I've got a secret" smile on your face. Don't engage further. She will be confused. She might even escalate. But the worse she acts, the happier you respond.

    Please try it and let me know if it works for you. I know it did for me. Drove my grandmother Nuts!~ :laugh: :tongue: Did it make the comments go away completely? No, but they did become fewer and less frequent because I didn’t let it get me down.

    And unless you have "bird bones" and want no muscle mass, 100 pounds seems totally wrong weight for an active 5'2" "warrior woman" like yourself. And even if you'd became 100 pounds, there would be some new "flaw" that she would harp upon.
  • vencellia
    vencellia Posts: 89 Member
    Wow sad to say but I share and feel your pain me and my lil sister are the bigger ones my mom is like 125 and my other sister is maybe 127 and my mom say things like we fat we the big ones we like sumos. and if we argue she will say with your fat *kitten*. or yall dont eat alot but yall gain alot!!! WOW she may mean no harm but it hurt!!! I'm good with my size and I know its her shes the unhappy one not me and not you they have ISSUES NOT US!!!
  • amg_89
    amg_89 Posts: 184
    WOW thank you all for your amazing support! The thing about my mom is, she knows I would like to be smaller, so her actions originate from good intentions. I've even asked her before to help me out (buy healthy food, let me text her when I'm tempted), so I can't say that she's just cruel or anything, but her means don't justify her intentions. All I can say is that at this point it's just pushing me away.

    Thank you all for your support, I hope none of you ever let comments like that get you down. We're here to feel better about ourselves, not to gain approval from society.
  • molberts
    molberts Posts: 35
    If you want to lose weight, do it for you. not to make her happy. cos it wont.

    ps. I'm 5' 3" and currently 130lbs and I barely have lovehandles (11lbs lost) so i'm sure you look great, dont listen to your mom :flowerforyou:
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