Random Topic: When do being supportive go too far?

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marybethbeech
marybethbeech Posts: 181
in Chit-Chat
I'm trying to be a supportive friend, but I'm worried that I'm actually just being an enabler. One of my dearest friends (let's call her L) has been in a "long distance relationship" with a guy (we'll call him C)who has been deployed to Iraq. They dated years ago and he dumped her abruptly. They reconnected via Facebook during his deployment and they've been talking quite a bit.

C is coming home soon and L has lots of big plans for the two of them. I haven't talked to him, so I don't know for sure, and she and I don't even live in the same state so my understanding of events has been heavily skewed by L's interpretation. Our friend Krista lives in the same town as L and she has witnessed a lot of things that make her believe that this relationship is very one-sided on L's part.

I don't find that too hard to believe. To L, C will always be "the one who got away." I really want to make sure she's not setting herself up for disappointment. I don't want to be super encouraging and help strengthen her delusions about this relationship )if that's what they are) if it's just going to build her up for a big fall. HOWEVER, I truly don't know what' s going on in C's head. Maybe he has changed... I doubt it, but it could happen. Maybe he really is ready for a commitment. with L.

My gut is telling me this guy is no good. But all I have is my gut and Krista's account. And it would really hurt L for me to switch gears now. BUT maybe it would hurt less than C will hurt her in the long run... Or she could just get really upset with me and a huge rift would grow in our relationship, which I can't live with. She's one of my oldest and dearest friends and I don't want to compromise our friendship no matter what.

I know this is not fitness related at all, but I would really appreciate some advice. What do you guys think?

Edited to say I just noticed the glaring typo in the title of this post. I have better grammar than that, and I'm a little embarrassed. I'm sorry everyone.

Replies

  • Edestiny7
    Edestiny7 Posts: 730 Member
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    Nothing you can say to her will change her mind, and even if everything you tell her is true, she will hate YOU, not him. I would advise you biting your tongue and being supportive when things head south, without telling her you saw it coming.
  • Koshie
    Koshie Posts: 61
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    I would be suportive as possible however since you are not there everyday with her and you have Krista's point of view to relay on you cant be totally sure what C's motive is. Perhaps he has changed, He could relaize he is a smuck and wants to settle down. War will do that to a person ( amung other things) all I can say is she is an adult and as long as she is not hurting herself physcially or Hurting animals children and the elderly let her do what she wants. She will see one day and hopefully grow stronger. At this point Just sit back and let her be. Just remember never to say anything Negative about C right now because she will turn it on you and it will cause more strife
  • Families_R_Forever
    Families_R_Forever Posts: 630
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    Honestly she probably already wonders the same things that you do about him. We all have to make our own mistakes and choices, that is how we grow. I say support her, be there for her, and if it blows up...don't say I told you so...she will need you even more. Just be a friend...
  • marybethbeech
    marybethbeech Posts: 181
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    I think you guys are right. That's been my course of action so far. I just hate to think that I'm encouraging her to invest herself in something that will end up causing her pain... She's been through a lot with guys, I hate to see one more treat her badly. But I know that I've been in bad relationships, been told they were bad relationship, known they were bad relationships, and still felt like I could make it work.

    I hate watching the people I love hurt! If I could do it for them I would.
  • LisaNa10
    LisaNa10 Posts: 14
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    Of coarse I don't know these people at all, but I have seen similiar situations. In that case C was trying to hang onto something farmiliar while he was deployed. Sounds like L is setting herself up, but at the same time if she can't see it then she probably doesn't want to. If you interfere with her delusions then you will be the bad guy and she'll ultimately turn to him. Stay supportive of what she does and catch her when he drops her. I know that sounds harsh, but sometimes you have to let them learn for themselves.

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