down in the dumps

skatardrummer
skatardrummer Posts: 60 Member
in Motivation and Support
I'm kind of depressed. I'm really excited that I've found a new gym and still go at least 3 days a week, and I've found an appropriate diet. I've lost 8 lbs in two weeks. The following may be TMI so please don't read if it bothers you. I'm doing it for me but I'm depressed that my husband is so unsupportive. I was this size when he fell in love with me, and when he married me last October. He has no interest in intimacy or affection. Maybe because he used to have a porn addiction when he was alone. He's not supportive of anything really and laughs at me when I fail. He likes when he's better than me at stuff. I would understand if he married a skinny girl, but why would he marry someone like me and reject me no matter what I try and do to make him happy? Loosing weight is going to be a long slow road for me. What can I do to gain his support in my weight loss and all the other goals I set? I support all his hobbies and try to give him all the love he could ever want.

I just don't understand and I'm hoping someone who has experienced this can share what has worked for them.

Replies

  • Morninglory81
    Morninglory81 Posts: 1,190 Member
    I hate to say this but it sounds like emotional abuse. He sounds controlling and insecure. I think you need to make some very careful and tough decisions. This is only the beginning of the marriage and still the "honeymoon" period. You need to ask yourself if you think you can live with this or worse the rest of your life. Be careful.
  • muziclver
    muziclver Posts: 145 Member
    I'm a little confused as to why you got married if he treats you like that. My best advice is to ignore him. Better yourself for you, don't listen to his sabotage. Know that you are putting forth your effort to make yourself healthy and if he can't respect that and support you than screw him.
  • skatardrummer
    skatardrummer Posts: 60 Member
    Because I tend to attract excellent liers and guys who know exactly how to confuse me into thinking I'm reading the situation wrong., even if down the road people tell me I was right. That's why. Also, it took a drastic and major decline after we got married. He's utterly clueless really. His selfishness really makes him think I'm ridiculous. His definitions of intimacy involve falling asleep on the couch while I'm trying to be intimate (the falling asleep is "cuddling") and trying to teach me how to fly RC helicopters. I've tried explaining, but he just doesn't "get it." It wasn't so much like this before we got married, but now I think he thought marriage was the magic answer to his idea of a perfect life, but I don't understand now where I fit in it.
  • Logical_Integrity
    Logical_Integrity Posts: 48
    I would understand if he married a skinny girl, but why would he marry someone like me and reject me no matter what I try and do to make him happy? Loosing weight is going to be a long slow road for me. What can I do to gain his support in my weight loss and all the other goals I set? I support all his hobbies and try to give him all the love he could ever want.


    Because you are easy to control you have low self esteem.
    There is nothing you can do to gain his support, he either does it or doesn't.
    Treat him the way he treats you for a week while you find a good cheap divorce lawyer.
  • Joniboloney
    Joniboloney Posts: 127 Member
    I hate to say this but it sounds like emotional abuse. He sounds controlling and insecure. I think you need to make some very careful and tough decisions. This is only the beginning of the marriage and still the "honeymoon" period. You need to ask yourself if you think you can live with this or worse the rest of your life. Be careful.

    I agree, he definitely sounds psychologically abusive.

    My opinion...GET OUT NOW! It will only get worse and you are too wonderful to have anyone treat you badly :smile:
  • ftballmom9296
    ftballmom9296 Posts: 70 Member
    Well I think he is trying to make you feel depressed and lonely so that you will stay the exact same weight you are and not lose anymore. You are trying to better yourself and I think he feels really intimidated. You have lost weight and he knows what you were at one time, he is comfortable with you and he does not want you to succeed on your weight loss. The more he laughs at your failings or ignores you in every way he can he feels that will make you have a set back and not succeed your weight loss journey. It will only get worse and then he will become more controlling you need to speak your mind about how you feel and make a promise to yourself that you are worth more than that and you do or have to put up with it. Let him know if he can't love you like you should be, you can find someone that will and believe me there are plenty of men out there that would love and support you. You are worth everything you believe you are and do not let anyone else tell you or make you feel differently. Hope things get better.
  • lilpoindexter
    lilpoindexter Posts: 1,122 Member
    So why not dump that loser NOW, before things go any further?
  • HollisGrant
    HollisGrant Posts: 2,022 Member
    There's a great paperback book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. Your library probably has it. I highly recommend it. The book explains some of the things you've described and can give you some knowledge of why they've happened.

    Here's the Amazon link. You can read about the book here. Again, your library probably has it. The book is considered a classic for psychological abuse.

    http://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-recognize-respond/dp/1440504636/ref=sr_1_1?s=textbooks-trade-in&ie=UTF8&qid=1366602460&sr=1-1&keywords=the+verbally+abusive+relationship
  • cicisiam
    cicisiam Posts: 491 Member
    Listen to this AND do not consider bringing a child into this situation. Man's agenda and motives are very questionable.
    I hate to say this but it sounds like emotional abuse. He sounds controlling and insecure. I think you need to make some very careful and tough decisions. This is only the beginning of the marriage and still the "honeymoon" period. You need to ask yourself if you think you can live with this or worse the rest of your life. Be careful.
  • HollisGrant
    HollisGrant Posts: 2,022 Member
    ... He's not supportive of anything really and laughs at me when I fail. He likes when he's better than me at stuff. I would understand if he married a skinny girl, but why would he marry someone like me and reject me no matter what I try and do to make him happy? Loosing weight is going to be a long slow road for me. What can I do to gain his support in my weight loss and all the other goals I set? I support all his hobbies and try to give him all the love he could ever want.

    I just don't understand and I'm hoping someone who has experienced this can share what has worked for them.

    Unfortunately, many abusive people look for a sweet person to live with or marry. They get enjoyment out of pushing another person around (and sweet people often buy into the idea that it's all their fault). The two of you are living in two different realities. You want mutual understanding, to share, to explain yourself, to express affection. He enjoys pushing you around. He gets enjoyment and a feeling of power from it. Educate yourself about abuse and talk to a counselor if that helps. Best wishes to you.
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 49,024 Member
    Do you make a good income? I'd hate to think that that may be the reason, but I've seen it happen lots of times.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • lightdiva1
    lightdiva1 Posts: 935 Member
    Before you take other People's advice, remember we're not trained psychologists.

    My advice would be to seek the opinions and aid of a marriage counselor. First, its a safe place for both you and your husband to explain how each person feels by the other's actions and what each sees as an issue within the marriage. Second, a psychologist is more equipped to give advice that will benefit the situation.

    Ask your husband is he would be willing to go see a therapist with you. The worst that can happen is he says no. I would suggest you seek a therapist out for you though to help you understand what you are feeling and how to cope with those feelings. Also, a therapist has YOUR BEST INTEREST at heart. They will give you advice that betters you. No hidden agenda, just bettering you.

    My husband and I had some issue with a lack of intimacy last November and we sought out help. We saw a therapist. Those sessions helped us learn how to communicate with each other and how to increase our intimacy. We were headed down the road toward divorce. Now we are like newly weds again and its been over a year since we had our last session.
  • msliu7911
    msliu7911 Posts: 638 Member
    I hate to say this but it sounds like emotional abuse. He sounds controlling and insecure. I think you need to make some very careful and tough decisions. This is only the beginning of the marriage and still the "honeymoon" period. You need to ask yourself if you think you can live with this or worse the rest of your life. Be careful.

    I agree, he definitely sounds psychologically abusive.

    My opinion...GET OUT NOW! It will only get worse and you are too wonderful to have anyone treat you badly :smile:


    Agree with both of these.

    If you're not wanting to consider getting out right away and feel there may be hope that he can change, go to a marriage counselor. It may help wonders.
  • auroranflash
    auroranflash Posts: 3,569 Member
    ” Before you decide you are depressed, make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by *kitten*.”

    Getting bullied by the person who is supposed to be your best friend doesn't make you a sweet person or a good wife. Don't waste years of your life putting up with abuse. You'll wish you had that time back when you finally have enough of it and distance yourself. You're worth more, you don't need anyone to tell you what's okay or not - listen to and trust your gut.
  • smantha32
    smantha32 Posts: 6,990 Member
    ” Before you decide you are depressed, make sure you are not, in fact, surrounded by *kitten*.”

    Getting bullied by the person who is supposed to be your best friend doesn't make you a sweet person or a good wife. Don't waste years of your life putting up with abuse. You'll wish you had that time back when you finally have enough of it and distance yourself. You're worth more, you don't need anyone to tell you what's okay or not - listen to and trust your gut.

    This. I wasted 7 years with one of these.
    We even went to counseling. I finally left, and I wish I could have those 7 years back.
  • tennileb
    tennileb Posts: 265 Member
    A spouse getting healthy can be frightening for some people...will she get too hot and leave me?....WIll she start to want something more, something or someone better ....will I not be good enough for the new improved her?

    I'm not saying the results are acceptable, laughing when you fail, not cool! I hate to admit it but I've been there, living with some one who rejects you, and seems to thrive off your missteps takes a toll on you.

    Here for you if you need support :)


    Get healthy for you, feel good about YOU! I think a counsellor is a great idea, if not for both then just get one for you.
  • thestrawberrysays
    thestrawberrysays Posts: 31 Member
    It sounds like maybe he is intimidated by your self improvement and he's trying to discourage you into quitting.
    Sometimes when people eat healthy or exercise it makes people who are not eating that way or exercising angry because they feel like you are saying their lifestyle is wrong. So maybe he feels like he is being judged in addition to intimidated.

    That said, don't let either thing discourage you. I would speak to him openly, just like you did here, and let him know that his lack of support as a partner really bothers you. If he doesn't change my only advice is to seek counseling, and use his negativity as motivation to push forward. Some of my greatest motivation comes from those people that I want to prove wrong!!
  • Terry903
    Terry903 Posts: 43 Member
    This is awful. Flee now! Get it annuled. I am a divorced woman in her 50's (I still love men). Sweetie I am going to treat you like my daughter or my best friend. I don't know what causes this behavior but this guy you married is on a controlling manipulative power trip. Get out now while you still know who you are. I don't know why people are the way your husband is but his behavior is hurting you. Every day it will chip away at you! I have been in a relationship like you are describing and it is insidious. He is supposed to love you and you are both to support each other. You are a precious child of God and a beautiful woman! You are a pearl and he should treat you like a the precious jewel that you are! Run home to mama or your best friend.. Now go!
  • nancik1
    nancik1 Posts: 24
    It sounds like maybe he is intimidated by your self improvement and he's trying to discourage you into quitting.
    Sometimes when people eat healthy or exercise it makes people who are not eating that way or exercising angry because they feel like you are saying their lifestyle is wrong. So maybe he feels like he is being judged in addition to intimidated.

    That said, don't let either thing discourage you. I would speak to him openly, just like you did here, and let him know that his lack of support as a partner really bothers you. If he doesn't change my only advice is to seek counseling, and use his negativity as motivation to push forward. Some of my greatest motivation comes from those people that I want to prove wrong!!


    I agree, my husband did that to me a while back. I told him I am going to do this regardless. He could either help me and support me or keep quiet. He decided to join me. Sit down and talk to him openly. If you cant talk it all out, write it out. I have had to do that myself. Keep pushing forward, use his negativity as your fuel. I hope you can get it worked out. If you want to add me as a friend, go ahead.
  • skatardrummer
    skatardrummer Posts: 60 Member
    Thanks for the positive feedback and for everyone else who gave positive feedback :) I believe marriage is a commitment and looking for positive solutions of different ways I can handle things. He one of those people who refuses to sit and talk unless there is a massive fight first. Life is too short to live with nothing solved without anger first. Glad for some new ideas.
  • whatshouldieat
    whatshouldieat Posts: 101 Member
    Try writing down your feelings and when he says things to you it makes you feel this way. (The cause and effect emotion).Put it into his lunch box or truck or whatever he does on a daily basis. List the reasons you are doing this for you and how his support of encouragement can help and if he has negative things to say then let him know he can keep them to himself. Otherwise if he does something negative, dont reward him with cooking meals or doing his laundry. Show him that you are serious that you need support from your husband. Either way you have the strength to get through this and become the person you desire. Stay focus and good luck.
  • whatshouldieat
    whatshouldieat Posts: 101 Member
    Also for those that are saying Get a Divorce, Run, Get out Now, that is the easy way out. Marriage is a committment and it takes lots of work to make it work. They obviously got married for a reason, I assume because of LOVE. Instead of becoming another divorce statistic as the rest of the society, try talking about your feelings and his behavior and how it affects you. If he cant support you, then kick him in the Balls and dont reward any of his rude comments. Make him suffer until he grasps the fact that you are here to stay and to be in the best health you can possible be. Good Luck.
  • Babygirl928
    Babygirl928 Posts: 378 Member
    I agree with the fact that he may be jealous, or as my hubby was when i started, he was afraid I was going to get back in shape and then leave him. We have been married for 20 years and he is still insecure. I talk to him as much as I can when he was negative and now he is finally working out with me. You are correct, marriage is a committment and you should do everything possible to save it (unless there is physical abuse...sorry that is not something to work on) Sometimes fear and insecurity come off , from men, as being a douche and being mean. Talk to him and not during a fight. Just talk to him and tell him how you feel and how much it hurts, and maybe he needs to be reassured that you love him and arent doing this for any other reason than to be healthy! best of luck :flowerforyou:
  • Mexicanbigfoot
    Mexicanbigfoot Posts: 520 Member
    I hate to say this but it sounds like emotional abuse. He sounds controlling and insecure. I think you need to make some very careful and tough decisions. This is only the beginning of the marriage and still the "honeymoon" period. You need to ask yourself if you think you can live with this or worse the rest of your life. Be careful.

    This. Maybe seek couples counseling; and if he isn't willing to work on things, go to a counselor by yourself and work on your self esteem. He'll either follow or he won't, but you are only responsible for your behavior and your actions. Sounds to me like you deserve better than he is willing to give you. Good luck to you!! :heart:
  • rachel4304
    rachel4304 Posts: 115 Member
    Have you tried actually talking to him? Telling him how he is making you feel and asking what is up? Communication is a two-way street. You cannot blame him for your unhappiness unless you tell him you are unhappy and he refuses to make an effort to fix the problems in the marriage on his end.

    In regards to the previous porn addiction, it is my understanding that people who are addicted to porn have a skewered idea of what intimacy is like, real women look like and cannot perform without porn. Maybe get him counseling.

    I also recommend "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

    In the end, you can only get healthy for you.
  • earvizu92
    earvizu92 Posts: 320 Member
    Oh honey, get out while you can he is emotionally abusing you! Stay strong and lookout for yourself!
  • _kannnd
    _kannnd Posts: 247 Member
    I'm a little confused as to why you got married if he treats you like that. My best advice is to ignore him. Better yourself for you, don't listen to his sabotage. Know that you are putting forth your effort to make yourself healthy and if he can't respect that and support you than screw him.

    This.

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