Venting...grocery & people talking...

kelika71
kelika71 Posts: 778 Member
edited September 21 in Chit-Chat
Let me preface this by saying I am painfully shy. That's why my dogs are pictured and not me. :)

Ok, so I go to the store today in hopes it's not as busy like a Friday. I really hate crowded places of any sort. My husband gets fed up with me because I don't like to go to restaurants if there are more than 5 people in them! I know, pathetic.

Anyway, I started about 3 months ago grocery shopping by myself. It's painful, but I'm getting better. I always thought if I had someone along with me, it would deflect the attention from me. I get paranoid if anyone looks in my direction...I know, it's impossible to avoid all the time.

So, why is it, when I go to the store, people feel compelled to talk to me?? I don't make eye contact that would warrant them talking to me. Last week, I pick up a bunch of cilantro and this lady nearly scared me to death when she came up behind me asking what I was going to do with it. In my mind, I'm like, 'are you the cilantro police?' But, I politely answered her. Which I'd later find out was a huge mistake because 7 more times she ran into me in the store to talk.
Today, I hit two stores. BOTH stores, I get 3 people talking to me. OMG What is it?? I don't start it. Can't they tell I just want to be left to my shy self?? I hate talking because unless I know someone pretty well, I get so tongue-tied, I end up sounding like I can't talk right.

Even on here, it took me forever to start talking to anyone. I never thought I'd be posting...but, none of you can see me. lol That helps! :)

Surely, I'm not alone with this, though?? Anyone else?? What do you do?

Replies

  • Michellerw1
    Michellerw1 Posts: 367
    It is nice to hear another side of the story because...
    I am the opposite. I will always make small conversation with people if I am in a situation (on an airplane, waiting for a table at a restaurant, etc.) where there are other people around, especially if I am alone. I am always taken aback when I will say hi to someone and they will not respond.
    However, I don't usually talk to people at the store or a place where I am on a mission. Just when I am idly sitting around, I would rather chat with someone than not.

    It is nice to see someone with the opposite feeling than mine!
  • TabiHerbalifeCoach
    TabiHerbalifeCoach Posts: 691 Member
    i can't say i've never felt that way, but thankfully i don't feel that way all the time. Maybe its Gods way or if you don't believe in God, Fate trying to help you get past this. You are making progress in so many other areas, and even this one now going by yourself to the store, this is just another step. One people around you are helping you take.
  • HealthyChanges2010
    HealthyChanges2010 Posts: 5,831 Member
    uh oh, then I'm your worst nightmare:laugh:

    I'm very outgoing and very friendly anywhere I go, I end up in aisles at Walgreens in awesome conversations and by the time we say goodbye it's as if we've known one another for a lifetime. LOL

    I might be the person picking through the apples and see you picking out Cilantra and not know much about it and think to myself, ohhhhhh wow, bet she knows lots of ways to use it! So I ask, I might ask the best way to store blueberries so they keep longer etc. etc.

    I'm not a blabber mouth by any means but I someone that enjoys ppl very much. I greet ppl, say hello, etc., no one ever seems annoyed by it, perhaps I'm drawn to the friendly ones because likes attract??

    Perhaps it's a lesson life is trying to teach you, to ease you into social situations that you find uncomfy, a trip to the store is pretty innocent, someone says hello, you practice by smiling, you don't have to say a word. You can say or not say as much or as little as you like Hon!

    I think this might be far more about you than it is about anyone else in the stores, shops or beyond your front door. Ppl are friendly if you allow it, be pleased no one has come up to you screaming, now that would be a more scary experience, right?

    Practice in social situations I can guarantee you won't regret it down the road, you'll look back and wish you'd smiled and said hello more often. You never know who you're entertaining by greeting someone. They could be someone that needed your smile more than you could possibly ever imagine! I've had days in my life where I could only look at the ground because I was so depressed, I felt invisible and out of nowhere I kept hearing ppl saying hello, I'd look up with tears in my eyes and see a beautful smile and smiling eyes. It made me realize my life was worth living if even a stranger saw something in me... I've learned to do the same to others, I now see them look up with a blank stare and then a small relieved smile..... I'll never stop being friendly no matter how many ppl now and again that look and quickly look away. I guess out of fear? I dunno know...

    It's not always about us:flowerforyou:
    Becca:heart:
  • Mina133842
    Mina133842 Posts: 1,573 Member
    sounds to me like you have S.A.D. my husband has it - Social Anxiety Disorder- most of the things you described happen to describe him - he doesn't like ANYTHING crowded- he has a hard time with "lines" at the grocery store, or anywhere there's a social interaction with more than one person....

    I know he's done a lot better with it- there's some kind of program he works at home with a workbook and a tape he listens too, and it has helped a lot...also immersion - just kind of jumping in, and I'm such a social person, it kind happens..

    Hang in there- it may just be that you're going at a time when there are people that DON'T get a lot of social interaction are going (possible elderly, or house bound people- SAHMs can even crave an adult conversation with ANYONE that doesn't involve crayons, cereal etc) and you must look like a friendly, sympathetic person. SO, take it as a compliment! :wink: :flowerforyou:

    Good luck!
  • Mande_G
    Mande_G Posts: 599 Member
    I can relate. :flowerforyou:

    I used to be terribly, painfully shy. I'm still fairly shy, and I feel absolutely AWKWARD in just about any social situation. I never really know what to say in conversation, and I feel like I always say the wrong things. :laugh: But I try! I'm very slowly getting better, by being social and going to public places (the grocery store, the gym) by myself. I don't have close friends outside of my immediate family, my husband, and his family - but I have begun doing social things with my husband and his circle of friends -- it's awkward, but it gets easier. I still find that too much socialization makes me first really hyper (talking to people can be fun!), then I crash and I need to withdraw for a few days and recoup (but exhausting!). It's almost like a manic/depressive sort of response (though I don't believe for a second that I'm "clinically" manic/depressive).

    The more you can push yourself outside of your comfort zone, the easier it is going to be -- at least, that has been -my- experience. I hope this helps, even a little. :smile:
  • amyday1
    amyday1 Posts: 35
    I try not to impose on people but Im a chatty person too. I too am always on a mission but have no problem talking to people. I work with the public, Im a treatment consultant in a busy dental office. So I am not allowed to be shy... I agree with the person above maybe this is Gods way of pulling you out of your shyness. People may be drawn to you..???? Shy people are easy targets because us motor mouths get a captive audience. He he he.... maybe if you talk to yourself outloud people will leave you alone...
  • Thick80
    Thick80 Posts: 29 Member
    You sound so much like me it's kinda scary. I avoid people, I'm paranoid, and I don't let anyone take/see any pictures of me. I seem to be a MAGNET for uncomfortable chat sessions in public. Why is it not ok to be shy anymore? You have to be diagnosed with a mental illness just because you like to keep to yourself?!
  • arewethereyet
    arewethereyet Posts: 18,702 Member
    My hubs is the same way as you and I am the chitty chatter trying to talk to anyone who will listen.

    I love to tell strangers they have lovely hair, or look great in that color! Most of the time I get a big grin back and a thank you. Sometimes though the person looks right through me, or frowns. That tells me to back off.

    Once a young girl used sign language (I know sign, so I knew she really was not deaf!) but took the hint and smiled as I walked away. A bit later she was in the isle next to me and her boyfriend came walking up chatting away to her.............I could not help be wink and LOL!!

    All I can say I am sorry.......and here is a hug!! (runs away:devil: )
  • emorym
    emorym Posts: 344
    just wear your ipod. You don't even have to turn it on. That way you could pretend not to hear anyone you didn't want to talk to.
  • sweetbn
    sweetbn Posts: 318
    Haha, cute story. :) I think you need confidence in yourself. Maybe make some friends at the grocery store or a walking friend or something! Something about you must seem open and inviting to talk (whether you want them to or not).

    I guess you could also just pretend not to hear and take that route... maybe wear earbuds while you're shopping. :)
  • arewethereyet
    arewethereyet Posts: 18,702 Member
    Oh and your doggies are adorable!!! :heart:
  • alliemoonmommy
    alliemoonmommy Posts: 4 Member
    i wear my t-shirt that says "i hate people."

    :bigsmile:
  • kelika71
    kelika71 Posts: 778 Member
    Thank you all that replied. Just so you know, I do politely reply to these people. It's just a wish that they wouldn't choose me. My husband once told me that I must have a hidden sign on me asking to be spoken to...after all, he doesn't get people talking to him.
    I don't think it's S.A.D.? I'm no doctor, obviously. Although, it's ironic that was mentioned. I had to go on Paxil after my father passed and just as I was about to go off it, my mother passed. I had talked to the dr. about going off it, but she wanted to get me past the first anniversary of her passing (this last May). I've noticed since being on it, I do give more than one word answers to people...not that I like it. lol I've also been able to stand up to my brothers walking all over me...but, that's for another post. haha

    But, all this said, I wish I could be like a lot of you and be outspoken and not so shy. It's something I can remember as far back as when I was 3 yrs. old. It's not something that's easily overcome. Believe me, I've tried many times and I've had many try unsuccessfully.
    Left up to me, I'd be a hermit in my home. I'm fine going into my backyard, thanks to the privacy fence. I found out a few months ago that the neighbors renting next door, were told by the landlord, "not to be surprised if they never see the wife. She is alive, but almost never comes out and never answers the door." I'm not trying to be rude or anti-social...I'm just shy. :( And, God forbid, I don't answer my door when I'm home alone.

    Anyway, going back to my shell. lol Thanks, everyone...I do feel better for getting this off my chest. :)
  • kelika71
    kelika71 Posts: 778 Member
    Oh, thanks about my doggies. :) That's just two of the four. Hard to believe that's the "uncle"-black one and the "nephew"-the tan one.

    By the way, I may need to borrow that shirt, too...or, one that just says, "I don't talk to strangers." :)
  • dmvbnoslo
    dmvbnoslo Posts: 213 Member
    I am shy to, but not to the extent that you are. Think of these interactions as exercise for your psyche. Like physical exercise, it might not be fun at the time- but, it's good for you. Also try to think of the people who are talking to you... while some may be just very social and talkative, others may be extremely lonely and just looking for a friendly face. You just never know what effect your friendly smile and kind words might have on someone else. I know it's hard and frustrating, but some of these people may just need your small talk way more than you need your protective shell. You just never know.
  • spikess
    spikess Posts: 113 Member
    just wear your ipod. You don't even have to turn it on. That way you could pretend not to hear anyone you didn't want to talk to.

    you'd think that would work, but i seem to get more people trying to talk to me when i'm using my mp3 player and it's never about the music! lol.


    i'm a bit like you, it's not that i mind strangers talking to me, it's just that i don't have a clue what to say back. i normally just smile an nod at the appropriate time.
  • jez838
    jez838 Posts: 216
    It is nice to hear another side of the story because...
    I am the opposite. I will always make small conversation with people if I am in a situation (on an airplane, waiting for a table at a restaurant, etc.) where there are other people around, especially if I am alone. I am always taken aback when I will say hi to someone and they will not respond.
    However, I don't usually talk to people at the store or a place where I am on a mission. Just when I am idly sitting around, I would rather chat with someone than not.

    It is nice to see someone with the opposite feeling than mine!

    Hi Guys

    I'm another side to this Social issue. I am too shy to talk to people but I like when people talk to me only they don't. I think I may be unapproachable or give off a unfriendly air.

    Some Confidence Quotes

    The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do.

    Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway.

    Other people's opinion of you does not have to become your reality.

    Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people.
  • creeandme
    creeandme Posts: 16
    Your post and a lot of the replies made me think. I am a VERY talkative person and the older I get the more outgoing I am about it. I used to be much less outspoken with strangers but now I will test the water. Throw out a comment and if they respond in like, great. If not, I leave them be.
    BUT, I have a very shy child. He is not with family and close friends but with strangers and even acquaintances he would rather not answer at all. As he gets older, more people direct their questions to him. He just looks to me to respond for him. I am always a bit frustrated when they push him. Why is their comfort zone more important to enforce than his? I am teaching him to respond politely but also that he can move on. Think he has made me more aware of other people and their comfort in social settings. So while I may still ask you if the cilantro looks any good, your polite yes will send me on my way to hunt for other chatty cathys.
  • karrygirl2008
    karrygirl2008 Posts: 2
    HI! it is almost like the Universe is helping conquer your shyness and help you connect with others. I like to smile or nod when I make eye contact with people, it shows courtesy. I am a social person and I like to strike up a conversation and I am also pretty good at picking up when people feel uncomfortable or uninterested. :) Have a great day!
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    I think it is interesting to see all of the replies here! Such a huge variety of personalities.

    I usually get approached everywhere I go by random people making conversation. I don't mind so much but I usually set some boundaries for those who are over-the-top...my attitude is kind of like, sure I'll talk to you about cilantro for 2 min and nod or smile later on in the frozen section but that's the end of it. I am not gonna exchange phone numbers and follow the person on Twitter ;-)

    My mom's the type who makes a friend everywhere and even keeps up with people months or years later. Not even kidding. She is the master of networking, partly because of her career in the past...she will meet someone in Target (while looking at cleaning products or something) who is trying to sell a couch ASAP...and then see someone in the parking lot loading up a moving van and go talk to them about this great couch she heard about and hook up the deal right there within 10 minutes. My ex husband was the same way...he always knew someone who could get us a deal on whatever...sushi, cell phone plan, tires, etc. It's handy...but so exhausting.

    My husband is the opposite, he puts off this vibe like he is completely untouchable. Not in an arrogant d-bag way..but I can't even imagine the friendliest person coming up to chit chat with him, ever.

    Sorry I kinda went off topic. But my best advice is to be friendly but keep moving. Don't be mean but make it clear you've gotta hurry along, even if you really don't! Also, as you may have noticed in these responses...a lot of people are just very outgoing and friendly. I was always taught to act like more of an extrovert (due to my mom being the way she is) so I'm very comfortable approaching others and meeting people. I'd hate to think that I sometimes make people uncomfortable because of that but I am sure it happens!!
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