90 pounds down

I'm nervous about sharing the story behind why I am here. I am not looking for sympathy or fishing for anything, I am just telling my story. On August 12,2012, I had an emergency c-section. I almost died due to a ruptured uterus, and losing a lot of blood. My newborn son did die. I sat with him for 4 days in the hospital willing him to live, but he didn't. So after losing my son and my uterus, and almost dying and leaving my living children with no mother, I decided that I needed to get in shape. The horrible grief and depression that followed made it a slow start, but when I got my pictures from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, I realized that the only pictures I would ever ever have of my son and I together, I would be fat in them. I don't want my living kids to look back and wonder why mommy isn't in any of their pictures or be embarrassed of how big I am in them. I want to be proud of the way I look, so my kids can be proud of the way they look. I want to earn self confidence and raise my self esteem. I never want to look at the pictures of me and my son and feel embarrassed again. I want to look at those pictures and think about how beautiful he was and how far he pushed me to become who I needed to be. How he is the reason that I am happy now and not the reason I am sad. He is the reason I push myself. I push myself for him because I know its what he wants from me.