The question no one wants to be asked.

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Hedgehog
Hedgehog Posts: 10
in Motivation and Support
The last few months I have put on a little weight. Which is why I joined this site. As I've put on this weight I've noticed that people at work have been asking me if I'm pregnant. At first it didn't bother me much but now it's becoming more frequent as the rumor spreads around the office. My company Christmas party was last Friday and I found out today that people were talking about me being pregnant at the party. Someone even asked me while I was there. And this morning someone else asked me. We also had our annual waffle breakfast this morning and I felt a little ashamed treating myself to a waffle and some bacon with my co-workers watching. I had to send an email to my HR department about this issue.
It's one thing if you get asked this question once but when you have everyone in the company asking that is enough to make anyone anorexic. Not that that's what I'm headed towards but it's really not helping my self-esteem or motivation. It makes me want to go out and "eat my feelings" which got me here in the first place. It's also extremely humiliating.
These people might as well be calling me fat to my face. Am I right?
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  • Hedgehog
    Hedgehog Posts: 10
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    The last few months I have put on a little weight. Which is why I joined this site. As I've put on this weight I've noticed that people at work have been asking me if I'm pregnant. At first it didn't bother me much but now it's becoming more frequent as the rumor spreads around the office. My company Christmas party was last Friday and I found out today that people were talking about me being pregnant at the party. Someone even asked me while I was there. And this morning someone else asked me. We also had our annual waffle breakfast this morning and I felt a little ashamed treating myself to a waffle and some bacon with my co-workers watching. I had to send an email to my HR department about this issue.
    It's one thing if you get asked this question once but when you have everyone in the company asking that is enough to make anyone anorexic. Not that that's what I'm headed towards but it's really not helping my self-esteem or motivation. It makes me want to go out and "eat my feelings" which got me here in the first place. It's also extremely humiliating.
    These people might as well be calling me fat to my face. Am I right?
  • filergirl
    filergirl Posts: 240
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    It's an HR issue, that's for sure. Rumours about you being pregnant? That's your private business. Sounds more like you need to deal with the issue of people talking behind your back. I'd walk up to the perpetrators and say, with a big smile, "I heard you were wondering if I am pregnant?" That puts them on the spot. Let them flounder for a few minutes so that they really have a chance to recognize the stupidity and insensitivity of their remarks. If you wish to put an end to the rumours, you can then do so.

    The other method is indirect: say nothing, and wait for an opportunity where someone else being pregnant comes up in the conversation. Then mentinon you don't really think you should be discussing it behind someone else's back . . .

    As per them saying you're fat? I don't know. It sounds more like stupid office gossip -- nobody is *sure,* it's not like you're huge, just a little chubbier than before, and so the intent was probably not to make you feel that you're fat. But who knows. Woman in close quarters have been known to do some pretty nasty things to eachother.
  • kak1018
    kak1018 Posts: 183 Member
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    Take one day at a time and look at this as a lifyestyle not a diet. I am so sorry you had to experience this situation. Please don't waste any more energy thinking about this situation just focus on yourself and everything will fall into place. There is a lot of support available here:smile:
  • carajo
    carajo Posts: 532 Member
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    I have had the same trouble...only instead of the office it's neighbors and people in our community!! The weight i have gained has been right in my mid section and i CANT get rid of it......that to is why i joined this site! I'm with you it is so frustrating....especially coming from people who aren't exactly in the best shape themselves! I am going to my doctor tomorrow, because my weight gain has been so drastic in a short period of time, and it will not budge...i'll let you know what she says!!
  • kristie874
    kristie874 Posts: 774 Member
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    Okay, this kind of stuff makes me SO angry! I was out with a girlfriend for her birthday who is NOT pregnant and NOT fat...she just has some tummy that she's working on getting rid of. Someone came up to her, after she'd just eaten a huge meal, polished off her second drink, and was just starting her goal to dance the night away, and asked her if she was pregnant! She was so humiliated and embarassed. We left the bar/restaurant and fumed at her place. What happened to tact!?

    If I were you I'd be so tempted to send out a mass email to your office stating something like, "It sounds like there are some rumors and questions going around about me being pregnant. It would be nice of people to think about how it would feel if they, themselves, got the same questions. I'm here to let you know that it feels like crap! I'm not pregnant, am working on losing a little extra weight, and would appreciate the respect of you all shutting your traps!" Or you could just walk around the office pushing out your gut and rubbing it as though you WERE pregnant just to mess with them. :) Okay, I know neither of those are good solutions...just fun things to think about doing to get them back. I think the course of action that you took was a good one. Stick with us! We'll never ask if you're pregnant and will support yuo 110% on your weight loss goals!
  • Paeonia
    Paeonia Posts: 161
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    Hey there,

    Well you're not alone, I've been asked if I was pregnant before as well :grumble:

    I personally tend to put on weight in my midsection as opposed to the usual hips / thighs / butt of other women...When I was 20 I had gained about 15 lbs, and I was asked by a complete stranger if I was pregnant. I told her, "no". She replied, with a disdained look, "...oh", and that was it. It was really annoying how rude and tactless people can be, especially since I was only probably 15 lbs overweight. I mean come on people, have some sense! :explode:

    So I feel for you, to have to deal with that everyday :brokenheart: Women CAN be catty, thats for sure...mean and spiteful...and how is it any of their business if you are or are not pregnant anyways?!

    "Or you could just walk around the office pushing out your gut and rubbing it as though you WERE pregnant just to mess with them. :)"

    :laugh: That would make them look for fools for sure
  • neverbeenskinny
    neverbeenskinny Posts: 446 Member
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    Hi jmohrweiss,
    I am sorry that you have to go through this. I am one that gains in my tummy as well instead of the hips and thighs. Sometimes work places can be like the playground, and adults can act like children. The whole office being involved is a terrible thing, but please know that no matter what, you are a beautiful person :flowerforyou: . Beauty is truly on the inside and not the outside, and the people who are making you feel bad are showing how ugly they really are :devil: . I would suggest that you talk to some of your friends at the office, the ones that you are friendly with and let them know that you were hurt by all of this. As for the rest of the people, let HR handle them. You don't need to deal with any of their negativity. Hold your head high know that you are a better person :bigsmile: .
  • Hedgehog
    Hedgehog Posts: 10
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    "Or you could just walk around the office pushing out your gut and rubbing it as though you WERE pregnant just to mess with them. :)"


    That is sooo freaking funny. It's refreshing to find something funny about this situation.

    HR came down and talked to me about it. They said feel free to send out an email. I decided I'm going to wait a few days to see if this rumor just goes away on it's own.

    Thanks so much for the support.
  • kristie874
    kristie874 Posts: 774 Member
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    Try doing it with a beer in your hand at the same time. That'll really get 'em! :laugh:

    I'm glad that HR addressed your problem. What a bunch of putzs your co-workers are! I liked the idea of someone else to approach a couple of friendly co-workers to let them know the truth. Maybe the truth will spread. But rumors are like wildfires. Grrrrr!!! :mad: Soon it'll be over and everyone who mentioned it will feel like jerks anyway. You're taking the good, high road. Have a wonderful day! :flowerforyou:
  • Loretta_Jo
    Loretta_Jo Posts: 609 Member
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    This has happened to me. I just looked at the woman and told her no I’m just fat. The woman was so red faced and flustered I was beginning to think she would not be able to finish her work. She didn’t expect me to look her square in the eye and tell her that. That took care of it.
  • yenn2
    yenn2 Posts: 25
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    LJ, that's the best ever. Seriously, it never ceases to amaze me the personal questions people ask. It's right up there with, "so what about it you two, are you going to have CHILDREN soon ?" I had a friend who just finally started answering (with the truth,) "well we'd love to but I've had seven miscarriages, but thanks for bringing it up !!" Gah.
  • jake
    jake Posts: 6
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    Ok. I feel the need to give my 2 cents. I have no doubt that being asked if you are pregnant hurts. But face it, you are overweight and that's why you're here. Use the pain as a motivator. As a male, I get the "Putting on a few lbs for the winter, eh?" question at family gatherings. I laugh it off, but you can be damn sure I look in the mirror when I get home and feel dejected.

    Pregnancy is viewed as a joyous event. Many people want to share in it and do not realize how insensitive it can be to ask that question. As a matter of fact, I suspect they think they are sensitive by asking. Only education can defeat ignorance. What is wrong with politely replying, "If I am pregnant, there might be a reason I choose not to share it with everyone. If I'm not, then while I'm certain you mean well, the question is extremely offensive."

    I don't approve of people running to HR to solve their problems. You have a problem with someone, you deal with it in a professional manner that lets them know their behavior is unacceptable.
  • cmriverside
    cmriverside Posts: 34,121 Member
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    I don't approve of people running to HR to solve their problems. You have a problem with someone, you deal with it in a professional manner that lets them know their behavior is unacceptable.

    That was ANOTHER insensitive thing to say. Who asked for your "approval"?

    That is WHY there is an HR.
  • diannholland1965
    diannholland1965 Posts: 782 Member
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    Man what BEOTCHES!
    For the LOVE OF GOD!:noway:
    Well you can wait for the next person to ask that and say:
    NO, are you anorexic?
    Or. In the sweetest most inocent voice you can come up with say.
    No, why do you ask?
    Or.
    No, But I heard a rumor that YOU where. So... When are you due?
    I like this last one because it puts it right back on the catty Beotch that was an insensitive hag.
    Regardless. There is NO reason for you to have to put up with this. :grumble:
    --Diann...
  • jake
    jake Posts: 6
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    CM,

    No one asked for my approval and I did not grant or deny it. I was not insensitive. Instead, I explained how I viewed the issue, offered a way to use the hurt other than internalizing it, offered a possible solution, and explained where I was coming from. What value have you provided to this thread? A ultra-skinny low rent pop singer whom few of us will ever be able to look as good as as your icon? How does that make anyone here feel good about themselves?

    As far as HR goes, I have never seen an instance when they have been effective in cases like this. I mean, what are they going to do? Fire someone? Suspend them? Put them in a timeout? Warn them to not ask insensitive questions?
  • JulieB21
    JulieB21 Posts: 492
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    I don't approve of people running to HR to solve their problems. You have a problem with someone, you deal with it in a professional manner that lets them know their behavior is unacceptable.

    Call me crazy, but a "professional manner" in the workplace is to take the matter up with HR....
  • diannholland1965
    diannholland1965 Posts: 782 Member
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    Now guys, lets not start a fight on HMs posted question. :brokenheart:
    This will not help the situation and might make it worse. :cry:
    HM did what she thought best at the time and I may have done the same in her shoes.
    As a group of people that are trying to lose the Lbs. It is our job, honor if you will to SUPPORT each other.
    HM feels bad enough without a fight breaking out on her post.
    Face it we ALL agree the Beotches that she works with need a class in well.....CLASS...
    --Diann...
  • jake
    jake Posts: 6
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    jmohrweiss

    I did not intend to judge you with my comments. I believe you are handling the issue in the manner that best suits you. None of us here work with you and none of us can completely understand the people you are dealing with, but you are dealing with them and that is excellent. I sincerely wish you well and encourage you to stay strong in the face of adversity.
  • jake
    jake Posts: 6
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    JulieB21

    What I meant by professional manner is to confront those who are insensitive and make them aware they are being so without getting emotional, without name calling, without hearsay, and without accusation.

    As an example:

    I am a male. You wear a new outfit to work and I notice it. I offer you what I consider to be a complement by saying, "That's a nice outfit." You then go to HR and tell them I am sexually harassing you, you are uncomfortable, and you can no longer work in this environment. I get blindsided by HR and get labeled as a perv.

    Wouldn't it have been easier to just say, "You know...this is a new outfit and I appreciate the complement, but you should be aware that some women may take that as if you are hitting on them and they may not be comfortable with it."
  • Ileanak
    Ileanak Posts: 343 Member
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    I approach this at two angles. 1) I am overweight. I have been 300 lbs and am now a still-heafty 185 and 2) I used to be in HR.

    Let me address the first one. I too have been rumored about in the office, and at times, ahd heavy bags pulled from my arms by a young store clerk insisting that a woman in "my condition" should not be carrying heavy things (I was bying diapers for a frind who had just had twins). In that case, I did what others suggested, and said, "Nope, I'm just fat", and kept going. I know the young man stood there for a minute, trying to figure out what had happened and I felt badly that I had embarassed him, but I am sure he thought twice about his wording to others in the future.

    As for the second part. It is not HR's responsibility to stop rumors. Rumors are a harsh reality in the office and in our society. However, they CAN be proactive about in-house education about what is appropriate interoffice conversations. Just as a business reminds its staff about the proper use if the internet while at the office, it should/can provide reminders about personal time versus work time.

    People will be harsh, whether they realize it or not, but the office is not the place to even breech the topic.

    I wish you the best! And remember, you are the only person who can dictate your self-worth!

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