WHY do friends/family say "You're not fat"???

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iwannawearatutu
iwannawearatutu Posts: 150 Member
in Motivation and Support
Maybe it's just me, but I am so sick of trying to talk to friends and family about my weight loss efforts and getting "corrected" when I refer to myself as fat. Maybe it's because they think I'm putting myself down? I'm not really, I'm just calling it like it is! I weigh 215 lbs. Unless I were male or VERY tall, that's just NOT a healthy weight! I'm female and 5'8" - so I'm at LEAST 60lbs overweight. And I know from the experience of barely dragging through a 2-3 miles walk that I am in poor shape, and have relatively little muscle. Which means that the majority (if not all) of that extra weight is FAT. So how is calling myself fat wrong?! I mean, ok, the few times I've called myself stuff like "fatty" or "blubbery" I can see how that's too mean to myself. But COME ON, I am fat, let's not deny that ok?!??

Yikes, sorry to vent I'm just SO tired of being "corrected". Maybe it's because I carry it relatively well, I don't really look 60 lbs overweight... I still look at least 30-40 lbs overweight though! What is wrong with people, don't they see how un-supportive that kind of talk is??

Replies

  • mooz
    mooz Posts: 101
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    I think they think they're being supportive that way - the word fat is still very negative in our society. I find it funny when people react when I call myself "fat" and not "overweight". I always think...I'm SO beyond overweight at this point and FAT isn't a 4-letter word.
  • Panda86
    Panda86 Posts: 873
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    I dont think they are trying to be un-supportive. To most people, "fat" does sound like a mean word. Maybe they do feel that you are being hard on yourself by using that term, because to them its mean. So maybe around them, try a different word to convey what you are feeling, and maybe then they will understand. Keep up the good work :)
  • ladybug1620
    ladybug1620 Posts: 1,136 Member
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    Because they love you and are afraid of hurting your feelings if they agree with you. I used to do it all the time to my aunt, who was morbidly obese.
  • Panda86
    Panda86 Posts: 873
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    Oh, and by the way, totally off subject... I like your hair in your display pic :)
  • Panda86
    Panda86 Posts: 873
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    Because they love you and are afraid of hurting your feelings if they agree with you. I used to do it all the time to my aunt, who was morbidly obese.

    Yeah, I think it would be weird if someone said, "I am fat," and then I said, "Yep, ya sure are!".... I am sure they are trying to avoid that sort of thing.
  • beautyqueen1979
    beautyqueen1979 Posts: 151 Member
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    I find it quite frustrating too. I think most of the time my friends tell me it because they 'love me as I am' which is great, and I love them for it. But at the end of the day I coul lose 60lbs and still would not be the same weight as most of them. I think they just don't 'see' the weight? Or maybe they just don't feel comfortable telling me like it is. Either way I know I'm overweight - but at the end of the day I got myself here, I'm gonna get myself out of it and I have no objection to stating the fact that I am currently 'fat'.
  • chandnikhondji
    chandnikhondji Posts: 136 Member
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    I think it is what has been said before. they want to support you and not hurt you. That it does not help is another thing. But i have that too. "you are not fat, you are just too small for your weight" or "you are healthy and strong, not fat" and what not.

    Oh and btw. i am one of the VERY tall who's normal weight would be 215 lbs *lol*
  • Ashykins
    Ashykins Posts: 233
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    My friends do that too lol. I made my boyfriend admit I was fat, he was like ok your right. I especially hate it when they say, "Your fine the way you are," "Your pretty for a BIG Girl" (I really hate that one, what kinda crap is that to say!!!) and my favorite, "I love you the way you are." I mean I understand that it is supposed to support me, but it really doesn't...really it doesn't. Kinda makes you feel more bad that good. Especially the "Your pretty for a Big Girl" comment...I don't understand that comment at all...it's so offensive! It's like people are classing you and something when they say that, like they separate the skinny pretty girls from the big pretty girls, man I'm just pretty point blank, my weight has nothing to do with this! ARGGG!

    Anyhoo, one vent from the other I understand you completely **internet huggles!
  • sherry_80
    sherry_80 Posts: 86 Member
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    I think that some family memebers may worry if they agree with you that you may develop an eating disorder.
    I get that from my sister, I tell her i am fat, and i am not just saying that , my ob tells me that everytime i have a visit.
    coming from the doctor, he feels if i dont get a hold of it now, i will develop diabetes or get sick. He has told me that is not normal to be overweight for a long time.
    To me personally when my sister tells me i am not fat, i dont think she see what's in front of her. She avoiding the issue, because she is over weight and she a child that is over weight. Its something that is hard to be faced with. especially when children are involved.
  • 00trayn
    00trayn Posts: 1,849 Member
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    I used to NEVER say the word fat. it was completely taboo in my vocab, even about other people. It was just one of my insecurities I think. Recently I've started using overweight much more, but I never really used the word 'fat' until the past few weeks. I've gotten more and more secure with how I look, and I'm really starting to see the finish line with 45 pounds gone and just about 30 to go. I was joking with my family that my "inner fat girl" wanted a cupcake but I'm gonna resist. They laughed along with me and it was fine. But I still never use fat in a condescending way. It just digs up too many old issues.
  • TabiHerbalifeCoach
    TabiHerbalifeCoach Posts: 691 Member
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    I know your frustration, I was 230 and 5'3" , and still my friends and family would tell me i wasn't fat.. ARE YOU KIDDING ME...please don't lie to me, please don't make it easier for me to stay this way, no you dont' have to trash me, but don't lie to me.
  • muth3rluvx2
    muth3rluvx2 Posts: 1,156 Member
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    In my own experience, I find it's because people associate "fat" with a particular image of severe obesity and if you don't fit that image, to them, you're not fat. Perhaps if you changed the language to "out of shape" or "a little chunky" (something more mild), they would get it. Either that or educate them on body fat percentages and what it means and how disproprotiate you are in muscle vs. body fat.

    I call it being a fat skinny person (even if you aren't skinny - it still helps people get it). People associate "skinny" with size, just like they do "fat"... but when you combine the descripters, for some reason, it just clicks. :-) It's the psychology of language - crazy stuff.

    I hope this helps a little.
  • OnionCookie
    OnionCookie Posts: 272 Member
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    My family doesn't say that. I'm fat, they are fat. We are all changing our lifestyles to lose weight. Fat has always been sort of an accepted word. Its just we never tired to remedy that.

    Around my lovely friends, they tell me I'm not fat and use comparisons to "prove" it because they are much bigger. They'll say stuff like, "oh, you aren't fat, look at me if you want to see fat".

    I think maybe your family says that because they don't want to hurt your feelings. Or maybe they truly don't see you as fat and just overweight.
  • iwannawearatutu
    iwannawearatutu Posts: 150 Member
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    Thanks everyone... I know they are trying to be supportive, it just gets so frustrating at times. I can't even feel comfortable using the phrase "out of shape" because I feel like they are two separate but related issues I'm working on. I know people with more fat than me that are FAR more fit than me. A friend of mine can swim like a million laps but she weighs more than I do at about the same height. She's fit but fat, I'm out of shape AND fat.

    Ok, I'm rambling now, just a distinction I choose to draw.

    I really appreciate all the feedback... it's nice to know I'm not the only one frustrated by this, and nice to have the reminder of where they are coming from when they say it. I just wish I could get them to stop. :D It's like "I get it, you don't want to hurt me - that's very sweet of you now STOP IT because it's the arguing with me that hurts me more!" Oh well, live and let live. They mean well.
  • iwannawearatutu
    iwannawearatutu Posts: 150 Member
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    My family doesn't say that. I'm fat, they are fat. We are all changing our lifestyles to lose weight. Fat has always been sort of an accepted word. Its just we never tired to remedy that.

    Around my lovely friends, they tell me I'm not fat and use comparisons to "prove" it because they are much bigger. They'll say stuff like, "oh, you aren't fat, look at me if you want to see fat".

    I think maybe your family says that because they don't want to hurt your feelings. Or maybe they truly don't see you as fat and just overweight.

    Yeah, it's interesting how sometimes people who are fat too can accept it. My mom is fat but she often argues with me when I use that word on myself. My BF is fat and we both know we're both fat and we say it! We're tired of being fat and we're GOING to get skinny together! :)
  • mdecarie
    mdecarie Posts: 12
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    Friends: "Why are YOU on a diet, you're not fat..."

    Me: "Well I don't fit in a Large at my favorite stores..."

    Friends: "But your tall!!!"


    That is my life long problem... i'm tall so it's normal for me to be heavier and I should just be grateful I am tall and not be skinny on top of that LOL

    people are weird...
  • rockinright
    rockinright Posts: 241
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    Maybe it's because I'm a guy, but nobody in my family ever had a problem telling me...
  • muth3rluvx2
    muth3rluvx2 Posts: 1,156 Member
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    Isn't it amazing how something so simple as trying not to hurt someone so easily enables bad habits, behaviors and choices?

    I applaud all of you for you self-awareness and acknowledgment - and the strength to achieve your goals in spite of the ignorance that those that love us display when they refuse to take off the rose-colored glasses. Bless them.. they try....

    Maybe if it were put in those terms, they would "get it"? For example: "Mom, I know you love me and you're trying to be kind and that you don't see the things I see - but I am NOT healthy this way and when you tell me I'm not fat, I feel like that inhibits my ability to achieve my goals with the support that I REALLY need. So, instead of denying it, would you be supportive in the way that I need you to be supportive rather than telling me what you think I want to hear?"

    Just a thought! :-)
  • hkystar
    hkystar Posts: 1,290 Member
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    I have always used the term fat to describe myself. I think my sister has done the same with herself. No one growing up would have contradicted that fact but also none would have ever walked up to us and said "You're fat." (well not recently at least).

    I think i upset my bf when i talk about myself like that though. He never says a single discouraging word about my weight (never ever uses the term overweight). He only talks about our (I say our because while he is not a willing participant he is forced to eat what I do for dinner since I am the chef of our house) pre-MFP lifestyle as unhealthy.

    I think sometimes our loved ones see a different view of us than we do. Does my bf know I am fat? Yes but he doesnt chose to acknowledge that trait and instead choses to focus on other positive features.
  • nbenos
    nbenos Posts: 15 Member
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    In my opinion I think it makes people uncomfortable when I refer to myself as fat. I usually get the excuse you look normal for a mom of two.... what having two kids makes it acceptable to be fat? People just don't know how to respond so they try and turn it around and make it a compliment. It's like if someone says "I'm not pretty" people around will respond with "you are pretty" just because they feel the need to compliment them.

    I don't know why fat is such a dirty word!

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