Vices, denial, shame

Vanessa1977 · July 2010

This has angered me for a long time and I always wanted to write about it but just never had the right forum before.

Eating as a vice is one of the few vices that we can not hide from others. Many, many, many people have vices, some are actually considered healthy, excersise, yoga, running etc. Many are not smoking, drugs, drinking, pornography, promiscuity, eating, etc.

Many people can have addictions, vices and they can not only hide it from society, family, friends but also themselves.

For an overweight person you can't hide your vice. Not from anyone else or your self.

Although denial really helps to maintain through the days. I know I go to great lengths to never really look at myself, or as long as there is someone bigger then me I feel like well at least I am not that big, etc.

But an overweight person is reminded of their vice, their shame everytime they look in the mirror, everytime they try on clothes, everytime someone else looks at them and reacts, whether it be an expression of the face or the mouth or body language, everyone sees what already embarrasses you.

Your constantly, constantly reminded of who you are, what you do to comfort yourself. It is like living in a constant state of shame, embarrassment, rejection, etc.

Imagine if every person who has a vice or addiction carried a sign around their neck that said please judge me, I am an addict, alcoholic, promiscious, adulterer, etc

Evryone else if they choose they can hide about themselves what embarrases them, not overweight people they carry it around for everyone to look at, judge, ridicule, speculate, etc.

just saying, I guess I just needed to vent about that.

Precious_Nissa · July 2010

everyone needs an outlet so nothing wrong with sharing your feelings....

I am thankful though that I never cared if anyone looked at me, nor have i ever cared about them judging me on my size...I have always been a strong and confident woman and have never had to deal with others ignorance in life...THANK GOD because some of how people treat others based on their weight would make me go to jail lol....

anywho,

not everyone has had experiences as I have had and i do hurt for those who have been riduculed etc....i like the post though......and we can't change stupid but we can pray for them lol.

Koshie · July 2010

Vent away Vanessa!!!! It helps, I vented (yelled) at my Bofyriend last night.

I will agree with you on cant hide this vice however I think what Society needs to remember that not all over weight people stuff themselves silly! It could be due to medication, Genes (Thanks Mom) and Or Mental illness. People need to stop being so compeditive with eachother and begin to work together on these issues.

I know for me it was not untill this year that I really wanted to do something about my weight. I have dieted since I was 8 and never was able to go through with it. I was overweight all my life and I went through the Shame and the guilt but I think I got to a point where I accepted myself and loved myself for me. I never avoided looking at my body, or in a constant state of shame ( I dont think I ever have been Ashamed of my actions, embarraced maybe but not ashamed) I love food! I am not afraid to say it, I cook and eat all the time! Hell Last night I had made the most wonderful white Wine Sauce with butter and garlic and I wasnt ashamed to put it over my cod fish.

II will agree the clothing thing gets me everytime! However it is more the fact that I have to pay 20 to 40$ More for a shirt or pair of pants because of my size. I view it more of a socity thing than a me thing. I understand more fabric more labor but the slave wadge in the garmet industry is not why my jeans are more expensive.

Wow guess I ranted too! Keep up the good work Vanessa you will reach your goal

jlewis2896 · July 2010

I like this post, but can't think of anything intelligent to say in response.... Precious_Nissa -- apparently I need you to pray for me!! :happy:

I think you are spot on with the concept of wearing the vice around for others to see, which is difficult, but also makes it more possible for us to come to terms with, accept, and hopefully remedy.

Vanessa -- I snooped around your profile, and I must say your story is pretty phenomenal -- you must have a well of strength inside you that would put me to shame! Good luck on your journey, and with your family.

BlueLikeJazz · July 2010

As someone who often feels embarrassed to be seen in public because of my size (though that feeling is quickly decreasing with my weight), I understand where you're coming from. And it does hurt to know or perceive that others are judging you based on your size, when inside you're facing a daily struggle that others aren't even considering.

I think the important thing, though, is not to victimize yourself. Yes, losing weight, stopping overeating and stopping emotional eating and dealing with those underlying emotions are all very difficult things. But just as an alcoholic needs to put down the drink and an addict needs to put down the needle, an overeater needs to put down the food.

I've learned a lot from my time in recovery from both alcohol and food issues. One of the biggest things I learned is that we have to take responsibility and we have to take control. And that it really doesn't matter what one person or another is thinking about us in the process. Feeling proud of yourself doesn't come from others' approval, it comes from knowing that you're doing your best every day to change for the better.

A last note that might help you feel better/put this all into context: people who are overweight are lucky that they can change what they look like and eventually feel more confident and attractive. I work with men with developmental disabilities who get gawked at every time we take them out in public. Now that's truly unfair judgment if you ask me.

thedreamhazer · July 2010

Somewhat related:

My college required PE courses for graduation, and I LOVE to dance. Therefore, I took modern dance and contact improvisation dance classes to complete my requirements. Initially, I was SO uncomfortable. I'd look around the room, sizing everyone up, and coming to the depressing conclusion time and again, "I'm the biggest one in here." I was sure that whenever we did floor crossing or partner exercises, people were watching me wondering, "What is SHE doing here?" This was particularly difficult in my contact improv class, a style that involves a lot of counter balancing with partners, lifting, etc.

Then, one day, I got paired up with the tiniest girl in the class. Definitely under 100 pounds. I was so embarrassed to be dancing with her, until we got started. But we ended up having so much fun together. At the end of the exercise, when we were reflecting in a group, she made the comment that it was the most fun she had ever had partnering. She said that other times she had been embarrassed because she was so small and couldn't counter-balance with people or do the lifts for others. But when she partnered with me she had so much fun because I was comfortable lifting her and we worked with each others' sizes.

I was never embarrassed in my dance classes after that.

My point is that I DEFINITELY know what you mean. Shame and denial were a big part of my life back then. I was constantly looking around rooms trying to spot someone bigger than me so I wouldn't feel as bad about myself. But after that point, I started looking at it differently. Perhaps I was the biggest person in my dance class, but instead of being embarrassed I prided myself on having the courage to take the classes, and being able to do what others were doing.

Precious_Nissa · July 2010

awww i'll pray but NOT because you are stupid....lol when i say we can pray for the stupid, i'm referring to people who riducule others due eo weight or differences

Vices, denial, shame

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