If you have twins / competitive kids with each other

motown13
motown13 Posts: 688 Member
in Chit-Chat
I want to get some opinions.

I have twins that will be 12 next month. One has been playing volleyball for about 18 months. Her twin sister has no interest in playing volleyball, but she is playing softball in a development league and loves it. The one that is playing softball lacks confidence - I believe - in her athletic skills. SHE ALSO LIKES THAT HER SISTER DOESN'T PLAY SOFTBALL. I think this is because of her lack of confidence in her skill as a softball player, and not because she just needs something to do away from her twin.

The one who is playing volleyball has never shown an interest in playing softball until 2 weeks ago. Two weeks ago, I took them both out to a field and let them hit, as I pitched. Each kid took about 150 swings. The one who plays volleyball looked to be a pretty good hitter.... far better, in fact, than the one who plays softball.

Since then I have taken them out to do the same thing, a few more times, and YES, the one that plays volleyball is a great hitter.... she smacks the hell outta the ball, and almost never misses a pitch.

OK, I played college baseball, and back in the 1980's I was paid to play softball.... I was scouted to play minor league baseball, but never was selected by a team in the MLB draft..... Point being, I know that she has incredible potential as a softball player.

So here is the issue.... The one who already plays softball REALLY doesn't want her sister to play softball. As stated, I think it is more about the fact that she doesn't want to be overshadowed by her sister. It really isn't about needing her own space.... so now, the volleyball player wants to play softball, too. And, as I see that she seems to have huge potential as a softball player, I would like to let her play.

But because she knows how her sister feels, she has said she won't play softball, even though I know she REALLY REALLY wants to.

How would you approach this?

Replies

  • Skinnymunkii
    Skinnymunkii Posts: 191 Member
    I am a twin, so I understand that competitive side that comes with it. Respect her feelings and let the two of them work it out between themselves. Only step in if you are asked to.
  • BullDozier
    BullDozier Posts: 237 Member
    My boys are 20 months, and one grade apart. While not twins, they are definitely very competitive. While I wouldn't try to say this is an easy situation to deal with, to me the answer and what you need to do is easy. I would never tell one of my children they could or could not do something because of the way I feel about it, without a better reason. I would also try to teach that lesson to my children, that they can't expect a sibling to do, or not do something, just to make them feel better. Taking the opportunity away from a sibling, just because it makes you feel insecure is a very selfish thing to do (IN MY OPINION), especially when it is something they could excell at.

    Don't get me wrong, I know exactly how the twin who played softball first feels. My brother is two years older than me and he was always the better athelete. I would have loved to have found something I could do out of his shadow, but I never thought I had the right to stake a claim to any particular activity to free myself from his shadow.
  • melinda200208
    melinda200208 Posts: 525 Member
    This!
    Respect her feelings and let the two of them work it out between themselves. Only step in if you are asked to.
  • 4_Lisa
    4_Lisa Posts: 362 Member
    I recently went through this with my teens, they are 12 months apart, my son loves lacrosse, so when he started playing, so did his little sister. He was later diagnosed with scoliosis and required surgery last year, and won't be able to play competative lacrosse again. My daughter however, took a shining and is a very good player. She kept at it, even though he had issues he had to work through, eventually she was offered a spot in a highschool lacrosse academy and almost turned it down to spare his feelings. He realized what an opportunity it is for her and talked her into taking it.

    My suggestion, if possible put them in separate leagues so there is no direct competition. That way the one with lower self confidence doesn't have to feel like she is in her sisters shadow. Eventually as they get older they will learn to see what the other has to offer and that life goes on, not everyone is going to be able to do everything. If one has a talent for it just make sure you don't overshadow the other with praise for her. Take the one that plays ball now out one on one, give her some pointers and make it a speacial dad/daughter day. You can do the same for the other one at a different time.
  • Pixi_Rex
    Pixi_Rex Posts: 1,676 Member
    Have you actually talked to the one that currently plays ball to see WHY she doesn't want her sister to play as well? You seem to be just assuming the reasons she doesn't want her sister to play. Maybe she just really wants that one thing that is hers and only hers and it has nothing to do with being overshadowed at all.

    I do agree with the poster that said, let them work it out between themselves and only get involved if asked.
  • waylandcool
    waylandcool Posts: 175 Member
    I am a twin, so I understand that competitive side that comes with it. Respect her feelings and let the two of them work it out between themselves. Only step in if you are asked to.

    I am a twin too and I think that's the best approach. Encourage the two to talk it out themselves and only step in if they come to you about it. Maybe encourage the girl that's the better hitter to help the one out as a way to ease the tension. If they work together and help each other, it should help build both of their confidence.
  • motown13
    motown13 Posts: 688 Member
    Have you actually talked to the one that currently plays ball to see WHY she doesn't want her sister to play as well? You seem to be just assuming the reasons she doesn't want her sister to play. ..........

    I do agree with the poster that said, let them work it out between themselves and only get involved if asked.

    Well, she says it is that it is because she wants her own thing to do..... but I don't think that is true. I'm pretty sure she just doesn't want to be overshadowed. She will never admit to that, though, even if true. See, these two are almost equal in everything they do.... Both are in gifted programs.... they scored only a few points apart in the PA standardized tests... They are both in 6th grade, but taking 9th grade math and reading.
  • coliema
    coliema Posts: 7,646 Member
    I'm a twin and we are complete opposites. We eventually worked it out together with ourselves as we got older...they will work it out.
  • usflygirl55
    usflygirl55 Posts: 277 Member
    Ok, so I am a twin and while I never felt competition with her, she felt it with me. I asked her opinion on the matter and this is what she had to say:
    "I would sit them down. Explain that no matter what they are both individuals, not just twins. If the volleyball player really wants to play softball she should be allowed to. They will have to learn at some point that they will have to play games, be on teams, and work with people they may not want to do those things with. If she has a good reason (just because the twin is better than her, is not a good reason) for not wanting the twin to play softball with her then it may be considered. Maybe there is another team the twin could play on, but they would probably still end up playing against each other. They shouldn't see life as a competition with each other. They should see it as a partnership with someone who likes a lot of the same things. They will never find someone who will understand them better than their twin."

    The fact that they will never find someone to understand them as well as the twin is a big thing! They can work this out. If they are anything like my twin and myself, where one excelled they assisted the other to improve. I was better academically and helped her in that respect while she was much better at sports. It is a very special thing they have and should not let competition get in the way. (My thoughts)
  • AuddAlise
    AuddAlise Posts: 723 Member
    I have Irish twins. The younger one is better at just about everything. She's better in school, at soccer, dance....just about everything. If I held the younger one out of things because she was better than her older sister she'd never do anything.

    Kids, just like adults, need to learn that they're not going to be the smartest/fastest/best in the room/on the team.

    That being said my older daughter is the sweetest, most easy going girl out there. She loves nature with a huge passion. She's always bringing me bugs and leaves and rocks to look at. I see such wonder through her eyes. Embrace the differences and find/play to each of their seperate strengths.
  • snoopytwins
    snoopytwins Posts: 1,759 Member
    My boys are twins...although younger than yours...I've always erred on the side of letting them work things out. They each have preferences and skills and they know each other. My daughter is 20 months younger...I've also worked on teaching all three of them to respect each other and work things out. We'll see how it goesvas they get older.
  • ShakeyMD
    ShakeyMD Posts: 59 Member
    I have twin girls, almost 14. They do everything opposite and get really irritated when the other wants to do something they already do. I personally think it's because all of their life, they are known as "the twins". Few people, including family members, recognize them as individuals. Doing something the other is not doing gives them a chance to be themselves, to be separate, to be an individual. I have one that is more confident than the other as well, but I really think it's about having their own thing after having to share everything else in their life.

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