Fat Shaming and now.....HEALTH Shaming Obese People?

Willowana · May 2013

So I got stopped this morning by one of my coworkers. This lady is in her 50's and is about 105 lbs. soaking wet, and I'm not exaggerating. She can wear kid's clothing. She wanted to know about my progress, what I'm doing, etc. (I'm actually getting kinda sick of explaining this to people, but I was nice, of course.)

I told her I was 266 when I started, and now I'm down to 219.6. Her first question was, "How far are you wanting to take this?" I told her that with my height and age, a healthy weight range would be around 115 - 135 lbs. I told her I just want to fall within a normal BMI range.

Here comes the kicker: She asks me, "Do you think you can even get down to that kind of weight? I probably looked at her like she had two heads. What do you say to that? "I'm almost up to 50 lbs. down. So, yes.... I think I can do it two more times, thanks for asking!" I was nice of course. I like this coworker and we've shared a lot over the years. But, she's not the first to ask me that.

What's the reasoning behind asking a fat chick if she thinks she can lose that much? Weight loss is done the same way for me as it is for anyone else. Yes, as people lose weight the metabolism slows down and weight loss becomes slower and more difficult the closer someone comes to their healthy BMI.... But that's happens to everyone!

We talk about fat shaming a lot on the forums...so why is it I'm starting to feel health shamed? What's the skinny-mind thinking?

I'm obese, so I'll always be obese?
I wasn't made or meant to be thin?
That I don't have motivation or willpower?
I'm not educated enough to make good choices?

I'm not horribly offended, but the constant questions surrounding how much I "THINK" I can lose is starting to make things awkward. I don't think.... I know. The formula of eating less and moving more is proven. Unless my body can defy science, YES... I know I can get myself down to a healthy BMI.

JKind777 · May 2013

well said. I doubt I would've had as much patience or tact had my coworker asked me that! haha

Annerk1 · May 2013

I think it just came out wrong. I don't think she would have even stopped you to ask about your progress if she wasn't trying to be supportive. You are making a lot of assumptions about her intentions.

To be honest, the way you talk about her weight makes me think that you are very defensive around her, and if that same comment had come out of a woman who weighed 150 pounds, you would have thought nothing of it.

onyxgirl17 · May 2013

I wouldn't have had that much patience either. I would have said something snarky.

I mean there are a lot of factors that could have led to her saying that. Maybe she's known overweight people who just could not get their weight down. I've known obese people who had the willpower and are now slim and obese people that had no self-control and try as they might would never lose weight because they'd have more cheat "meals" and "days" then days within their calorie limit. I don't think it's fair to make assumptions though.

You've done so well so far. Don't let anyone hold you down!

Willowana · May 2013

I think it just came out wrong. I don't think she would have even stopped you to ask about your progress if she wasn't trying to be supportive. You are making a lot of assumptions about her intentions.

To be honest, the way you talk about her weight makes me think that you are very defensive around her, and if that same comment had come out of a woman who weighed 150 pounds, you would have thought nothing of it.

As I said, I like this coworker. She and I are very friendly to each other. She's even shorter than me, so I think she's probably at a healthy BMI for her height. But as I mentioned, she is NOT the first person to ask that question. Others have asked this of me too. She just happened to be the third one this week....and not all of them were are small as her. But every single person that has asked me this question has squinted their eyes, scrunched their noses, and used an incredulous voice. It makes it feel like it's more rhetorical than an honest question.

So yes, a few weighing probably 150 lbs. have asked this week and I felt the same.

Annerk1 · May 2013

As I said, I like this coworker. She and I are very friendly to each other. She's even shorter than me, so I think she's probably at a healthy BMI for her height. But as I mentioned, she is NOT the first person to ask that question. Others have asked this of me too. She just happened to be the third one this week....and not all of them were are small as her. But every single person that has asked me this question has squinted their eyes, scrunched their noses, and used an incredulous voice. It makes it feel like it's more rhetorical than an honest question.

So yes, a few weighing probably 150 lbs. have asked this week and I felt the same.

Then maybe take a different approach. Instead of telling them the weight you want to get to, just say that you are looking to have a healthy BMI, and that you aren't really sure what your final weight goal is as you are more interested in maintaining a healthy weight than being a slave to a scale.

AggieFan2011 · May 2013

I do not think I would have been as nice as you were if I had been in that situation, but luckily no one has really asked me how much I plan on losing yet. I do however get really sick of having to explain that I'm not on any special diet nor am I doing "anything special" to lose the weight. I'm just making better choices and working out more. People CANNOT seem to grasp this concept and it makes me crazy! I don't know why they don't think it's possible to lose weight this way. A couple ladies have even asked my mom if I was taking diet pills or not eating enough (out of concern I'm sure, but really?) Why is it so hard to believe that a person can just make a choice to become healthier and reap the benefits of doing so in a healthy and natural way.

Sorry, I'll step down off of my soapbox now, but I had to get that off my chest. Haha So basically what I'm saying is, I get where you're coming from and it's very annoying.

_SusieQ_ · May 2013

I'm not sure I would call it shaming, but I think I get what you are saying. I think if you've always been obese (as I have myself), people do wonder if you are capable of reaching a certain goal.

I think any further questions about where you are going to take "this" should just be answered with, I'll know when I get there. :bigsmile:

BinaryPulsar · May 2013

You shouldn't take it personally. People that have always been very small and slender have a hard time imagining what it is like and how it is possible to lose a large amount of weight because if they were to lose a lot of weight they would become unhealthy (too thin), and they are accustomed to being around the same size (so drastic changes are unfamiliar). And she was probably asking out of curiosity and lacking tact for putting herself into your shoes. Maybe she will learn to think things like that through better on her own before asking silly questions like that. Is she young?

neandermagnon · May 2013

maybe she just as a really shaky grasp of biology. I think a lot of people who say stuff that comes out mean don't mean it that way. If she's not usually going around *****ing at people, I'd say she either didn't mean it how it came out, or she just doesn't understand biology. If she's generally a *****y kind of person then maybe she did mean it that way.

Mama_Jag · May 2013

I think you are reading too much into it. And to be honest, I have no idea why you would label this "health shaming", or any other kind of shaming.

Congrats on your progress, btw!

saxmaniac · May 2013

I don't think this counts as shaming (which would say being that weight is disgusting) - just that someone doesn't think you can do it, which is just plain being rude.

dfonte · May 2013

Certain people always like to criticize. Even when you (because you will if you want to) get to your goal weight, people will still judge you for what you eat, how much you exercise, if you lift or just do cardio, etc. Compete with yourself and win at life.

jwestonlee · May 2013

I think that most people are exposed to so many weight loss scams in the form of pills, exercise video's, fad diets, equipment, etc.. that it makes them skeptics. I know a person who had lap band surgery, lost over 100 lbs, and five years later, gained it all back. There's a basis for this perception.

You should expect people to be skeptical. However, it shouldn't bother you. Your losing weight for your own reasons, not for other peoples support or approval. Tell people your not losing the weight as a goal but as the by product of making better choices. If better choices leads you to a 105 pound body, so be it.

sunshyncatra · May 2013

I think it just came out wrong. I don't think she would have even stopped you to ask about your progress if she wasn't trying to be supportive. You are making a lot of assumptions about her intentions.

To be honest, the way you talk about her weight makes me think that you are very defensive around her, and if that same comment had come out of a woman who weighed 150 pounds, you would have thought nothing of it.

As I said, I like this coworker. She and I are very friendly to each other. She's even shorter than me, so I think she's probably at a healthy BMI for her height. But as I mentioned, she is NOT the first person to ask that question. Others have asked this of me too. She just happened to be the third one this week....and not all of them were are small as her. But every single person that has asked me this question has squinted their eyes, scrunched their noses, and used an incredulous voice. It makes it feel like it's more rhetorical than an honest question.

So yes, a few weighing probably 150 lbs. have asked this week and I felt the same.

Hey, 150 is in my healthy weight range and is actually under my goal!

These people seem really unsupportive. I also don't think I would have the same patience with them. I would probably shut them down with a flat statement that makes it clear my weight is not an appropriate topic of conversation and walk away. Fortunately, no one dares to say things like that to me...yet.

kristen6022 · May 2013

I think a lot of people feel that the bigger you are now, the stranger you will be at a normal weight. Also, 150lbs weight loss for some seems impossible. For some 10 lbs is impossible. Like, for example, I started at 190 (5'11), I was at a 26 BMI, so about 10 pounds over what was healthy. EVERYONE I knew said I didn't need to lose that I was perfectly fine the way I was, I wasn't, I was fat. When I started I just wanted to feel good in my jeans. Then I got rolling and I figured something working just keep going. I had no goal in mind, so when people asked when I'd stop I'd just say I'll know when I get there. If you tell people what your end goal is and if you never reach it, you looke like you failed. Like say you got to 140 and you were happy but you said you wanted to be 130, people would think you failed, but really, you did what made you happy, which is why we do this anyway.

When I got to 145 I knew it was time to stop, and maybe even gain some back, so I did. Now I'm about 153ish and happy as a clam. People feel that because I gained back 8lbs I failed, but really I did it because I didn't like how thin I was.

Moral of story is: Ignore what people say. It's not worth it. Do what makes you happy - and BTW, congrats on the first 50, the next is going to be off before you know it!

Carmela1959 · May 2013

First - You are doing incredible Second - Believe it or not - she's jealous - yes, every time she sees you and notices you have lost more weight, she's threatened. It's just the way some people are, she may be 105 weight wise, but she a long way to go to resolve some rather personal issues. You handled the situation perfectly, with self-assurance and class.... let's be friends, I could use some. Carmela

brattyworm · May 2013

She wanted to know about my progress, what I'm doing, etc. (I'm actually getting kinda sick of explaining this to people, but I was nice, of course.)

This is why very few real life people even know what I'm doing. And absolutely no family knows. Too much looking down on by others and their constant questions and looking for the things to happen.

yavrig · May 2013

I don't think it's health shaming. It's just a normal reaction that most people have because they either have never been heavy, or they are heavier than they'd like to be and have found it hard to lose weight. Whatever their reasoning is, it's just their way of striking conversation, as they try to connect with you and encourage you. I have had my "conversation" with countless people. The most tactless are my parents. They have no filter. The truth of the matter is that it IS hard to lose weight, it IS a lot of work, it requires a lot of commitment and people know it. So they are always happily surprised to see someone being successful in losing that weight. Personally, I tell few people what my goal weight is. I tell them I want to get healthy for my kids and their future children and turn back the clock to a time when I was fit and healthy and could actually see my muscles.

Lyerin · May 2013

I wonder if she was trying to imply that she didn't think you needed to get down to a weight that low? Maybe she was trying to say that she thought you didn't have as far to go as you think you do. I only say that because you said you liked her, so I assume she wasn't trying to be mean.

18guyhornet · May 2013

I think that most people are exposed to so many weight loss scams in the form of pills, exercise video's, fad diets, equipment, etc.. that it makes them skeptics. I know a person who had lap band surgery, lost over 100 lbs, and five years later, gained it all back. There's a basis for this perception.

You should expect people to be skeptical. However, it shouldn't bother you. Your losing weight for your own reasons, not for other peoples support or approval. Tell people your not losing the weight as a goal but as the by product of making better choices. If better choices leads you to a 105 pound body, so be it.

^^^This. I have to agree with this commenter. As a whole those people looking to loose weight have been inundated with quick weigh loss diets, magic pills and the sort that they have forgotten there is a proven formula one only needs to shack the dust off of - eat less; move more. Maybe even rephrasing to "eat the right amount; move more" would work. Either way it works.

Good job on your progress to date!!!!

iggyboo93 · May 2013

I think that most people are exposed to so many weight loss scams in the form of pills, exercise video's, fad diets, equipment, etc.. that it makes them skeptics. I know a person who had lap band surgery, lost over 100 lbs, and five years later, gained it all back. There's a basis for this perception.

You should expect people to be skeptical. However, it shouldn't bother you. Your losing weight for your own reasons, not for other peoples support or approval. Tell people your not losing the weight as a goal but as the by product of making better choices. If better choices leads you to a 105 pound body, so be it.

Great post. Totally agree. I'm also tired of the people who "complain" that you really should drop some weight but then fret that you've lost too much weight because you are approaching your goal weight. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

aNewYear123 · May 2013

You are doing an amazing job. I wouldn't read anything negative directed at you into what she said. If someone told me he was a mountain climber and intended to climb Mt Everest, I would be amazed and ask about training and (possibly) if they really thought they would make it to the top - there are just so many obstacles. Of course, then I would wish them luck and demand to see pictures when they got back.

You basically told her that after all you had done you intended to try and lose about 100 pounds. That is more than most people can fathom - they are still working on thinking about losing 20. You are just aiming higher than they can envision.

Natihilator · May 2013

People who haven't gone through a moderate - big weight loss tend to be clueless about what it actually entails. And people have an idea in their heads of what 'losing 50 lbs.' looks like, not taking into account lean body mass, height, fat distribution, etc. And when they think like that, it's not at all based on logic or specifics, it could be based on their cousin who lost 50lbs and has completely different stats than you.

maiaroman18 · May 2013

I agree with previous posts that when people are used to seeing you bigger, it's hard to get used to you at smaller sizes. Look at actors/singers that were heavier and who lost weight. They just look a little out of the ordinary, the longer they were overweight (Roseanne for instance). When I dropped a bunch of weight years ago, people told me I looked anorexic. I had a BMI of 24.9. I think that they were used to seeing me a little chubby for so many years it was hard to imagine me in tight fitting clothes that accentuatedmy new body.

Or maybe it was out of concern that you were setting unrealistic goals for yourself. I'm sure that you know plenty of people who look just fine outside of the normal BMI range, and are only above their goal weight because of strength training.

I'd just brush it off, and keep up the good work. Congratulations on your success so far!

shinesunfish · May 2013

Yeah, I feel like you are taking this too personally. I have never heard of someone who was "shamed" for losing weight. It is universally met with awe, acclaim, and praise. I definitely do not think that your friend meant to imply that you were INCAPABLE of losing that much weight, only that, having become accustomed to you at a certain weight, she had a hard time picturing/imagining you at half your weight, and was skeptical that your body which once held 270 pounds could be capable of holding 115 pounds.

I have known plenty of people who have lost lots of weight (through various ways). Many of them lost a lot of weight, looked great, and then lost about 15 pounds more than that. As a friend, I have casually brought it up (several of these situations were not healthy weight loss). It's not shaming, it's making sure that people feel loved and accepted for who they are NOW, not who they will become.

Ultimately, if you are focused on health instead of weight loss (which it seems like you are), you'll hit the right weight for you. Keep up the good work!

alychil820 · May 2013

As soon as you lose weight, everyone becomes a nutritionist or doctor. Ignore them. People like seeing other people fail or remain stagnant, because I'm sure there are things they want to change and don't - you're proof that change can happen.

RoamingDuck · May 2013

I have encountered the same kind of thing. I don't understand it. I had one co-worker (who is naturally thin, might I add) that gave me a suspicious look every time she saw me and told me I was getting too skinny and "wasting away". Keep in mind, my BMI was still "overweight" at this point, and I was nowhere near my healthy range.

If anything, it had the opposite effect on me. It provided extrinsic motivation for me to push harder and maintain my weight loss. I did not want to FAIL in the eyes of these people who pretended to care about my well-being.

luckyjuls · May 2013

Congrats on your weight loss.
I feel like this wasn't really shaming, just a preconceived notion, perhaps about build or bone structure, which a lot of older people believe. For example, they really do feel like you can be "big boned" with LITERALLY bigger bones than a thinner person. I think my grandma feels this way about me. So maybe this lady was just coming from that place of old-wives tales and theories. That's my guess.

I really don't think she was shaming you in any way, and like another said, I think even your reaction to her comment was skewed a little because you note that she is very small. Personally, to me it seems like you think she was coming from a place of judgement when, if she was larger, you would have just perceived it as a conversation between two people talking about health and fitness.

I think your goal is definitely in range with a lot of hard work and obviously will take time. Personally, I used to think someone with a lot of weight to lose like you and I could never get down to that 115 range (I do think 135 is more attainable) but I have seen some success stories of people on here that have gotten into that range (I'm thinking specifically of triciab79). I really don't think it's impossible anymore, but I do think it is a hard goal. It just is! There's no denying that. But hard is sometimes worth it, obviously.

I think many people become satisfied with their bodies after losing a lot of weight like this in a higher range, say 135-155, but there is no reason to rearrange your goals if you think you can achieve it.

Don't worry about what other people think about your goal and you'll be ok.

LiftAllThePizzas · May 2013

You answer those questions. It is submissive behavior, that is why they keep pressing with questions. They wouldn't ask those questions of your/their boss, because your boss would tell them it's none of their damn business.

You don't ask such a question to anyone unless they are far beneath you. They are getting that idea from your behavior.

stealthq · May 2013

I've never been clinically overweight yet know how difficult it can be to lose 10 lbs.

It is difficult for me to comprehend the level of commitment you need to lose as much as you've set for your goal. My guess is that their amazement is because they can't imagine anyone, including themselves, accomplishing what you've set out to do, not so much that they think that you, specifically, can't do it.

Fat Shaming and now.....HEALTH Shaming Obese People?

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