One-year difference (mind and body) PIC HEAVY

Hi My Fitness Pals,

I'm struggling lately with eating too many sweets, so I thought I’d inspire myself and stay accountable by posting my before and during photos. The heavier photos are from April and June 2012. I was 221 pounds. (I am 5 foot, three-and-one-half inches tall.)

Beginning (April 2012)


Today, I weigh 152-ish. (Fluctuates between 152-155). I am not done losing weight, but I am happy with my progress.

During (After photo taken today – lighting and camera not as good, but you get the drift)


This isn’t my first weight-loss rodeo. Since about age 16, I’ve struggled with my weight. At 16, I gained about 50 pounds in a short amount of time, with no real explanation. (Now that I know I have an under-active thyroid, I am pretty sure that’s what happened, but who knows!?) I’ve never been thin, and I probably weighed 180 or so before I gained the extra weight when I was 16.

Later, I ballooned to 260. Over a 10-year period, I lost 100 pounds, gained it back. Lost 100 pounds. Gained 60 back.



That’s me on the left


And that took me to May 2012, when I started this journey again. Pre-diabetic, miserable and 221 pounds. I’ve never had even a normal self-esteem, let alone good self-esteem. I’m riddled with insecurities about my appearance. Carrying around enough weight to make a whole other person sure didn’t help. I was hiding inside myself. I was weird about how people touched me, for fear they’d touch my fat roll. You know you’re fat when your husband fondles a fat roll and thinks it’s your breast! (Even if it’s just for a second.)

Beginning (June 2012)


When I see pictures of myself at my biggest (I was 40 pounds heavier than these before pictures at one time), I always think: “It looks like I ate myself.” But that’s always followed with, “Look how sad I was.”

Losing weight hasn’t transformed my inner thoughts or eroded my insecurities. I still flinch when people touch me sometimes, even my husband, and there are days when I think I am still grossly overweight. On those occasions, I remind myself that I am wearing a size 8, and I’m probably not massive. (There is still room for improvement, of course!)

For me, it’s true that there is a lot of inner work to be done in order to be wholly healthy. (Therapy sure doesn’t hurt!) It all goes hand-in-hand. It feeds itself (pun intended). My negative thinking can lead to inaction, which leads to giving up, which leads to depression, which leads to comfort or stress eating. It can also cause me to be perpetually unhappy with myself. And, it is really hard for me to stay motivated to do healthy things, such as exercise, when I don’t think I am worth it.

Today, I am trying to appreciate that I am OK just how I am. I must remind myself that it is within my power to make healthy choices and continue living in a body that does not betray me.

The biggest lesson I have learned is that I am going to have to always track my food and exercise. When I stop tracking, I slip into denial about what’s actually going into my mouth. The last time I gained the weight back, I’d go up a pants size and say, “Well, 12 isn’t bad. I’ll be OK at 12.” And then, when I was a 14, I’d say, “As long as I don’t go over 14, it will be alright.” And, then when I am in an 18, say, “Well, I used to wear a 24/26.”

I must remember that I am so good at living in delusion. I will stop looking at myself in the mirror. Depression creeps in. I’m in a hole, trapped in my body. Lost in there.

So, here’s how I have done it, so far.

I have not, despite repeated attempts, been able to give up chocolate. So, I just work around it. I tried doing sugar-free chocolate for awhile, but I still always wanted the real thing after eating the fake version. So, now I have chocolate. I try not to go overboard. I do go through spurts where I have it too much, but then I go for awhile without touching it.

So far, I have stuck to a 1200-calorie diet. (Obviously, if I exercise, I eat more. Wanting to eat more is a great motivator to exercise.) Because of prediabetes, I limit my carb intake to about 100 carbs per day, and I eat at least 80 grams of protein each day.

I follow the advice of my doctor and take vitamins and supplements. I exercise at least four days a week for at least one hour. (Usually more.)

My next endeavor (besides trying to start a family) very well might be New Rules of Lifting For Women. I’m reading the book. And I’ve been quite impressed with the results MFP women are posting. I’ll keep you posted. ☺

But, most importantly, I am going to live in the moment and enjoy life! And take care of myself!

During (October 2012)


During (March 2013)


During (March 2013)


Today