Fatty McFatty

I got on the scale this morning and seriously contemplated throwing the scale out the window. Now, the logical side of me says that the scale shouldn't determine how I feel about myself. Well, that idea was thrown out the window instead. Those numbers were the representing the way I am already feeling about myself. Let me start from the beginning:

I am a skinny person. All my life I have been tall and lean and a control freak. The controlling side led to a horrible self body image at a very young age. I couldn't control the chaos, but I could control what I ate (or didn't eat for that matter). Being super skinny felt horrible and great at the same time... And that's how a 12 year old develops an eating disorder.

I have always silently battled with my body image. I have a BA is Psychology, so I understand why I feel the way I do. The understanding doesn't stop that feeling, though. It's all about control for me. I control if I am skinny, I control if I gain weight, I get to be in total control.

In four years I have gone from 123 lbs to 145 lbs; back down to 125 lbs; and now I am at a whopping 164 lbs as of this morning. Holy Mother of Pearl- I am ridiculous. And I am the only one to blame. (Side note- 164 lbs is detrimental to some of my already existing health issues, and this is by far the biggest I have ever been)

Now I am really good at lip-service: Telling my boyfriend, family and friends that I have lost a pound here, lost a pound there, and so on. But it is hard to admit that I just ate half a bag of chips in front of the TV because I had a horrible day at work. The chips don't judge me. Or having my "Fatty McFatty" do's and don'ts of eating on my fridge for the whole world to see. Everyone loves my humorous list; but maybe, just maybe, I should be holding myself accountable to my own rules set in place.

I know how to lose weight, I know how to keep it off for periods of time, I just suck at getting started. But I am putting out this promise to total strangers: I vow that today is the first day that I take the control back (in a healthy way), get off my butt, and take care of myself. No more Fatty McFatty.