How best to make a compliment?

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csnyder0007
csnyder0007 Posts: 26 Member
in Chit-Chat
I've noticed an odd contrast between men and women. No, I'm not a misogynist. I am just commenting on what I've seen.

I've seen women who have lost a noticeable amount of weight and made comments like;" Wow, you look great. You've lost weight" or "You look good, have you slimmed down? Are you working out?"

In each case the first comment is that they look good. Just note...


In all three recent cases the response I've gotten is highly negative and combative. Mind you these are people that I am somewhat familiar with.

Responses go something like this "What? Are you saying I was fat? Did I not look good before?" And, in each response these seemingly reasonable adults look genuinely offended.

At a party Saturday night a friend of mine, female, says "I'm glad you mentioned that you've lost weight. I noticed but couldn't figure out how to bring it up without offending you."

HUH? WTF? Why would I be offended?

In contrast, my male friends, truckers and firemen, will see me and say something to the effect of "Damn man, you've lost a ton of weight. Keep it up." To which I respond, with a genuine smile, "Thanks."



So tell me, does it bother you when someone says you look like you've lost weight? What about when someone says it when you haven't lost weight? How should it be commented on if at all?

Please forgive the male vs female comparison. It's just been that in my recent experiences the difference is stark.

Replies

  • AZ_Gato
    AZ_Gato Posts: 1,270 Member
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    A compliment is a very difficult thing to accept. Confidence/self-esteem is a fragile item. I think sincerity in conveying it...actually stopping and making eye contact, is the best way to give the compliment.
  • khall86790
    khall86790 Posts: 1,100 Member
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    I don't get it personally. I have had lots of people compliment me now on mine and I've been happy about it every time. Even if it does start off with "you look great", it is still a compliment to me.

    I did however get a;
    "Wow, you are looking pretty trim now. I can understand why *** went there."
    Which did offend me... but I think I was well within my rights there :wink:
  • diodelcibo
    diodelcibo Posts: 2,564 Member
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    Don't worry dude some people are always looking to be offended.
  • caspergirl7
    caspergirl7 Posts: 590 Member
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    I don't know why women or anyone for that matter would get offended by that comment. If you were overweight to begin with YOU KNEW IT. So for someone to point out that you are looking good & can tell you've lost weight IMO is a great compliment & means that they are noticing all the hard work. I guess some people just don't know how to take positive feedback.
  • csnyder0007
    csnyder0007 Posts: 26 Member
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    I did however get a;
    "Wow, you are looking pretty trim now. I can understand why *** went there."
    Which did offend me... but I think I was well within my rights there :wink:

    I think I'm missing something with the ***??? I don't understand.
  • pastryari
    pastryari Posts: 8,646 Member
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    Don't worry dude some people are always looking to be offended.

    QFT.
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
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    Don't worry dude some people are always looking to be offended.

    QFT.

    Yeah, this.

    Years ago, I'd been told I looked great and "did you lose weight?" when I actually gained weight. I still took it as a compliment, because I did look better (I was too thin before), but the guy who complimented me couldn't understand that a woman was admitting she'd gained weight and was happy about it.
  • csnyder0007
    csnyder0007 Posts: 26 Member
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    One note, the waitress whom I first complimented, and who had the worst reaction, lectured me on how offensive it is to tell a woman that she looks thinner. She explained that by saying she looks thinner that I was telling her that the last time I saw her that she was fat.

    She even got another patron of the restaurant to back her up on this point. I argued that it was not what was intended. That made her even more livid. I finally said "fine, I'm sorry."


    So when my coffee was empty I said "Hey Lardass, can I get some coffee over here?"

    But I said it politely.

    Curiously enough there wasn't much conversation from either of them after that...
  • mank32
    mank32 Posts: 1,323 Member
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    i'll quickly and (almost) unthinkingly ask someone "have you lost weight?" if they look different to me. with no reservations. (this almost never happens, btw)

    1. most peeps would be happy to lose some weight, so being noticed for it (rightly or wrongly) is expected to be a plus, right?

    2. even if i'm wrong, i've never noticed anyone taking offense to the question. quite the opposite, actually. most ppl are thrilled for me to notice even if i'm dead wrong about it.

    3. if you were bigger before, and the change is noticable enough to MY naked eye, you have no right to get techy with me--if *i* can *see* it, *you* KNOW there's a difference. (and if i'm wrong, then i'm mistakenly thinking you're smaller now than you were in the past, so what's the problem anyway?)
  • VorJoshigan
    VorJoshigan Posts: 1,106 Member
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    If you're looking for feedback, I would say that you should stop after the "you look great"

    Me personally, I love to hear "wow you've lost so much weight" but different strokes.
  • csnyder0007
    csnyder0007 Posts: 26 Member
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    If you're looking for feedback, I would say that you should stop after the "you look great"

    Me personally, I love to hear "wow you've lost so much weight" but different strokes.

    I've heard this a couple times. There is logic in this...
  • melindasuefritz
    melindasuefritz Posts: 3,509 Member
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    say- wow u look good
  • khall86790
    khall86790 Posts: 1,100 Member
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    I did however get a;
    "Wow, you are looking pretty trim now. I can understand why *** went there."
    Which did offend me... but I think I was well within my rights there :wink:

    I think I'm missing something with the ***??? I don't understand.

    Oh just a random name.
    This was the response I got from my guy friend after he noticed I'd lost weight a week or two after I'd hooked up with one of our mutual friends.
  • csnyder0007
    csnyder0007 Posts: 26 Member
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    I did however get a;
    "Wow, you are looking pretty trim now. I can understand why *** went there."
    Which did offend me... but I think I was well within my rights there :wink:

    I think I'm missing something with the ***??? I don't understand.

    Oh just a random name.
    This was the response I got from my guy friend after he noticed I'd lost weight a week or two after I'd hooked up with one of our mutual friends.

    That's just rude period. Yeah, you deserved to be offended on that one.
  • khall86790
    khall86790 Posts: 1,100 Member
    Options


    I did however get a;
    "Wow, you are looking pretty trim now. I can understand why *** went there."
    Which did offend me... but I think I was well within my rights there :wink:

    I think I'm missing something with the ***??? I don't understand.

    Oh just a random name.
    This was the response I got from my guy friend after he noticed I'd lost weight a week or two after I'd hooked up with one of our mutual friends.

    That's just rude period. Yeah, you deserved to be offended on that one.

    Haha, yep! I did throw back the comment of "Oh what, so you wouldn't have understood before?" Which shut him up and made him feel a hell of a lot more awkward than me! :laugh:
  • 2stepscloser
    2stepscloser Posts: 2,900 Member
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    Personally, I would rather you come out and compliment me than say something like "you look different, but I can't figure it out".

    I've had a couple of guys in my office building say that...how awkward!! Just don't say anything than tell me I look different!

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