Newbie ISO like minded individuals...

FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD DISCLAIMER: This post (and likely a lot of my posts) may reference various mental health issues such as depression, borderline personality disorder, tourette syndrome, ADD, OCD and fun assortment of other acronyms - not because I want to "bring anyone down" but because these are things I deal with on a daily basis in my life. To hide or ignore them would not be being true to myself, and that does not serve me well, and I promised myself I will be honest and committed to various changes in my life, weight loss and health being one of them. You won't ever read anything super dramatic or emo, that is not who I am. But I will make mention of these issues as they relate to me and/or my family. SO... if any of these issues are not your cup of tea, please move on. If you're okay with that, keep reading if you like...

Hello! This is my third day here at MFP. Let me just say I am in love with this place. For the past few days I have been OBSESSIVELY logging my meals, drinks, etc. and it has already made such a huge difference. Maybe not in the number on the scale, but in my own mindset, awareness, and motivation. I knew I haven't exactly been eating healthy, but I had NO IDEA just how bad some of these things are. My sugar intake is off the charts, and that is a real serious problem (on that note: any advice for cutting down on sugar is most welcome!) as both my father and maternal grandmother were diagnosed diabetic late in their lives.

I am a 28 (29 at the end of August) year old female from New York, just shy of 5'6" tall, and when I weighed myself this morning I was 185. My goal weight is somewhere between 125-135, so I have about 50-60 pounds to lose. All of my weight goes straight to my stomach, butt, and upper thighs. My face/neck/arms and such are still rather thin, so (as another member recently mentioned) I am often able to dress in such a way that I don't "look" as overweight and hide it to a degree.

As I said in the above disclaimer, this history of "hiding" things doesn't do me any service, and the history is a long one. I have always struggled with my weight, even when I was thin. I have also struggled with a number of mental health issues, the big three being depression, add, and borderline personality disorder (a type they call the "acting in" or "quiet" borderline (thus my super original tagname)). That last one tends to scare people, for one of ONLY two reasons: 1. They don't understand BPD/what "understanding" they do have comes from Hollywood 2. They have had negative personal experience with a borderline. The first group is usually easier to convince than the second, but I ask you all to give me a chance.

Don't worry, I'm not going to give you a psychology lesson. These are just aspects of myself that I need to fess up to. And they have had a SEVERE impact on my life. They call it "acting in" because all the typical craziness associated with BPD I still go through, I just turn in on myself instead of on others, 9.5 times out of 10. All these things over many, many years have destroyed my self esteem, self image, and motivation for pretty much anything. Long story short, I have two little girls (currently 5 and 3) and they have given me new motivation, a new outlook on life.

I am making a LOT of changes in my life right now. I've been in and out of therapy since I was eight years old. I'm currently out, but searching for a way back in while in the meantime trying to manage all my issues on my own with the help of the most amazing husband ever. I'm going back to school in September (for the 3rd time in my life...) and this time I am truly committed to getting my degree. I'm enrolled in the honors program of my local community college and from there, I'm not sure what school I'll end up at. I'm hoping to double major in English (my life-long love) and Psychology (because I want to be able to help others like me get their act together before they're thirty!). And I've joined this site and am trying to stay committed to losing this weight, to eating healthy, and becoming and staying fit and active. I remember as a kid/teen thinking I'd be dead before 30, in an abstract sort of way. Now I have my husband, and my family, and I want to live a LONG, LONG TIME. 30 is not going to cut it. I am so done being the old me.

So, what am I looking for? When I said "like minded individuals" I didn't necessarily mean "people with a mental illness" (though you all are most welcome!) but this:

1. I am not, nor never will be, a gym nut. I have been logging my food obsessively, but getting myself to work out in any capacity has been like pulling teeth. I want someone who can motivate me in this capacity, but at the same time I don't want someone whose answer is going to be "become a gym nut." Cause that's just not me. I would like to start running again. I used to when I was much, much younger but have since become very out of shape.

2. I know I said I have to cut down my sugar, but I LOVE COOKIES. I will never cut these types of things out of my life completely, or do any type of extreme diet like that. I'm never going to be that person either. I've worked as a waitress most of my life, I'm a foodie, so it's not gonna happen. I would love to learn healthier recipes for my sweet tooth though.

3. Most importantly of all, I'm looking for people who will keep me on track. Hold me accountable. Keep me focused and motivated and don't let me give up or drop off the face of the earth, as I am so known for doing. I feel within myself a motivation that I never have before, so I don't think I'll be as likely to quit. But I think putting myself out there for once, and being honest and open with people and with myself can REALLY help totally transform my life.

So, there you have it. If you're still reading at this point, after all my inane ramblings, then please do at least consider adding me, because clearly you are a good soul. Thank you. I truly look forward to embarking on this journey with all of you.