What's your perspective? Opinions wanted!

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Hello All;

I am new to this site and decided to join after reading several posts. From what I have read, the members on this site seem to have good insight and have provided others with both facts and opinions to back up their beliefs. I introduce the topic below, because it's happening to me right now, and I need perspectives from others just to check myself.
I encourage honesty, and I have thick skin, so be honest! I prefer the truth above all else.

My boyfriend of 8 years recently broke up with me due to my weight. I am 207 right now, and was 221 eight years ago when he met me. In the course of our relationship, I shed alot of weight and dropped down to 150 at which time I was MUCH happier with myself, both internally and externally. So basically...he met me heavy, I lost, then gained back.
During the relationship, my boyfriend (well, ex-boyfriend now) had said his MAIN CONCERN about my weight was because he feared it would lead to health problems for me. He lost his mother to breast cancer when she was 47, and his fear was to lose me as well. I myself, have NO health problems, (thank God). I have always eaten well, exercised when I could, drink as much water as I can, and am not a stranger to proper eating. I can not claim ignorance, I am smart. I do snack from time to time, but in moderation. (No lie.)
My ex comes from a very athletic family and being in shape is what's normal for him. Anything deviating from that is abnormal. He himself is in good shape, goes to the gym, and has a brown belt in ju-jitsu.
We have gone to the gym together, exercised together, and he has tried to help me lose weight. I won't lie and say he's been unsupportive just to make me look right. He has taught me exercises and educated me on proper ways to lose weight.

His decision to leave me was based on me not being able to lose the weight. He claims that I don't love myself enough to care for myself to lose weight. This is turn led to him believing that if I don't love myself, I must not love him. I can say that I have been loving and supportive of him. I left my home state of NY and he and I moved to FL together to start a life. I helped us purchase a home, and build a life. All of which we had to tear down when I got laid off. His lay off followed 8 months later. We are now back in NY and I've just graduated nursing school. He has a new job.

All in all, I feel guilty and I feel as if I have neglected his feelings. He said that all he ever wanted from me was for me to lose the weight. In turn, all I ever wanted from him was love and affection. I must say, in the course of 8 years, he has only hugged me about 10 times, most of which happened because either someone I loved died or we made up after an argument. This made me feel that I was unlovable, but I know that I am.
Not to sound boastful, but I am attractive. Nearly every day, men either try to talk to me or ask for my phone number. Even at 207 pounds which I am right now.

I have failed at losing weight because although I know the right way to exercise, I feel ALOT of anxiety when it comes to the gym. None of my friends exercise. I don't have an exercise buddy, so it's all me. Mostly, friends don't want to work out because they find it's a waste of time. But I remember how happy I was at 150 pounds. It was a new me! It's harder now, because I lost the weight and re-gained it back. I feel like a failure, and more so, I lost a man who loved and had wanted to marry me.

He was always financially supportive when I got laid off, and never bothered me about it. He actually worked harder to make up for me losing my job. He LIVED at his job, and took all the overtime possible. He has no kids, neither do I. He is loyal, very smart and thoughtful.
It bothers me that I never got the affection I needed, but he blames that on me. He said that my "problem" caused him to be unattracted to me. Isn't that conditional love??? I thought love should be real no matter the size??? I told him this, but he said he does love me, but is scared he'll lose me to a disease and that I don't respect myself. Furthermore, I have disrespected him because I have denied his request for me to lose weight, especially since he's been asking this for 8 years. His defense was, "If you were an alcoholic, and I wasn't, and I asked you to stop drinking and you chose not to, I would have to leave you."

I'm so confused. I feel responsible and guilty. On the other hand, I feel that he should love me for ME, as I love him for HIM. His reasoning for asking me to lose weight is, he's asking me to do something to better MYSELF, and it's not for him. It's more for me. He believes it's a self-less request. Something I can do to improve my life. Honestly, I am not happy with myself. I don't want to be labeled as a "BBW" because I am not comfortable with that. I don't want to stay this way. I want to change, but have alot of anxiety towards doing so.

Any advice/opinions from both women AND men is welcomed. Sorry such a lengthy post, but wanted to give as much background info as possible.
Sincere thanks for your time and thoughts.

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~Bellissima

scrappymel · July 2010

so sorry you're going through this. :O( a breakup is always painful especially when blame is being placed on you. if that's how he feels then he's not the one for you, imo. you'll find someone to love YOU no matter what. good luck! and if you start a weight loss journey, do it for YOU not him. and enjoy the attention you get from other guys...

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Thanks sweetie, I appreciate your response.

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themommie · July 2010

I agree, he should love you for you and if he cant as hard and sad as it is he is not the one for you. There are plenty of guys out there that would love you no matter what size you are. But it sounds like you would like to loose weight but if you do you need to do it for you. So sorry you are going through this, my heart goes out to you

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Many thanks for reading and responding.

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PJilly · July 2010

Bumping to respond to in the morning, when my mind is more fresh.

bkrbabe57 · July 2010

When I read your post all I could see is how he made everything "all about him" .
If you loved HIM more you would lose weight.
By not losing weight you were disrespecting HIM.
and so on but no where did I see where he did anything for you. He withheld affection. Where is his love and support??
I know this betrayal is painful but it sounds like he is very selfish and self centered, You need and deserve someone who loves you for who you are. There is a great guy out there that will cherish you now and love and help you as you struggle with your weight.

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

I appreciate your response. You know,at one point, I thought it might be his self-centeredness, but I wasn't entirely sure. Then I thought maybe it was just me making excuses. Thanks for clarifying. I guess I wasn't entirely off the mark.

imagymrat · July 2010

Your weight was the easy out. He's a coward, you deserve better. Girl, i've had six kids from the same man, kept myself in tip top shape, and you know what...he still left, said the gym was more important to me then he was....I let him walk...whatever!

It's not easy, but you can overcome this, stay strong. Lose the weight for you, not because he thinks you were inadequate...man I hate when guys pull this kinda crap..GRRRRRR! here for you :flowerforyou:

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Wow that was a really powerful statement. I'm sorry to hear that he walked out and it happened to you. I give you props for being so strong and supporting your children and keeping yourself together. You look AMAZING!!! Keep it up, be good to yourself, and opportunities will find YOU. Thanks for the friend request, KIT

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PJilly · July 2010

I'm really sorry for your loss. A breakup like that is almost like losing a loved one.

A couple of things stood out to me:
1. You were MUCH happier with yourself, both internally and externally, when you shed a bunch of weight.
2. You wanted each other to change. He wanted you to lose weight. You wanted him to give you more love and affection.

I think it's possible he wanted you to lose weight because he got a taste of how happy you were when you were less heavy. He may not even realize that's why he wanted you to lose it, which could explain the confusion of why he found you attractive at a heavier weight in the first place. I also think his lack of demonstrating affection may just be the way he is. That's a tough thing. If it's not natural for him to express his affection the way you feel like you need him to, that can be a huge problem. It doesn't mean either one of you is right or wrong. I think sometimes it just means you may not be compatible. It sucks when you have love for someone you're not compatible with or who you can't accept just the way they are, even if it isn't 100 percent perfectly how you would like your mate to be.

Bottom line, I don't think you neglected his feelings or should feel guilty. I also don't think he's necessarily a schmuck. I think it's good for both of you to reflect on this and learn what the things are that are really important to you in your next relationships — figure out what your deal breakers are and don't settle for less, but also understand that you will likely need to compromise on those things that aren't deal breakers.

Anyway, that's my slightly different twist on your situation. Take some time to get to know yourself, really know yourself, before you get involved in another serious relationship. I think you'll be surprised how much you might learn that will help you down the road. Focus on being good to yourself for your sake, not to try to please someone else. If you can do that, I think you'll enjoy the process. Good luck!

timbotina · July 2010

To me it sounds like you are going thru a really ruff time...8yrs is a long time to devote and sure you feel bad for kindof "giving up" on that....but it doesn't sound like he gave you affection when you were 150 lbs. either...this being the case, maybe he just doesn't show affection (unfortunate) or maybe you two are just not meant to be together as hard as that is to hear.....have you talked all this over with him....as i stated earlier 8 yrs. is a lot to throw away but if you are not getting what you need from him....you kind of wasted the last 8 yrs.....I am married to my highschool sweetheart (we will be celebrating 16 yrs of marriage and have been together for 24 yrs...I have been as high as 240lbs and as low as around 150 when I was in highschool and my husband has always been very supportive, attracted to me and very affectionate....so maybe like I said, there is someone else out there for you....sorry to go on and on but it sound like you yourself are not happy (weight may not be the only reason) and you just need to find yourself again....then try and move on to be with anyone.....hope this helps!!!........:flowerforyou:

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Response to Jill:

I like that you took a different angle on the situation... it gave me some more to think about.
In general, he is not a very affectionate person, so you hit the nail right on the head. That also contributed towards incompatibility, which you also mentioned. I think having love for someone whom you believe is not the right one for you is more frustrating, because you see potential in a place where it most likely does not exist.
You're right when you mentioned "deal breakers." Although his deal breaker was my weight...what was mine? Even though I don't agree with his, it made me reflect and re-think what my standards are. I appreciate you mentioning that.
I understand compromise, and yes, it is necessary in relationships. Heck, we do it on a daily basis in everyday life and don't even realize we're doing it!
Thanks again for your comments and perspective. Good luck to you, I see you're almost at your goal!

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Response to timbotina:

I don't know of very many people who marry their high school sweetheart nowadays. Kudos to you both!
Thanks very much for your comments and for sharing your story.
Yes 8 years is a long time together with history, and it's a shame to think it's gone away. But I need to re-assess and determine what exactly I can take from that experience. Easier said than done, but it's going to be a process. I hope I have an "Aha!" moment someday that will clarify what's going on.

Good luck to you, you're more than halfway to your goal

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Holton · July 2010

Truly a difficult relationship and breakup; so sorry for the hurt feelings that you have and they are justified. That said, I was married for almost 20 years and know from that experience (too many details to define in this venue) that you need to find what makes you happy and when you are happy with yourself, then someone to love you for who you really are is icing on the cake. While it is sad some of his reasoning, I also respect that he told you how he was feeling. The only person you can change is yourself, so let him go; you canNOT change him or anyone else. IF you are truly happy with yourself as you are now, then there is someone else who will receive you as your are. If you honestly reflect on where you are and realize that you would like to lose xxx # pounds or change something else about yourself, then you need to address these issues prior to entering into any relationship. Y O U and only Y O U can make yourself happy. Sorry for the 8 years that you feel are lost, but hopefully you will come to see how you have grown/changed because of that relationship; and can let him go and move on. You are a beautiful person. A lot of us were healthy when we were younger even though the lifestyle we lived was not necessarily so; choices made then complicate our health when we age (drinking, smoking, obesity = all complicate life as we age), so if he had already experienced that, then he was weighing in on his future. I think he was placed in your life for a reason, and that reason was not to be your spouse. Learn from the time you shared with him; make your life better; and move forward in whatever direction YOU determine to be worthy.

MrJoshuah · July 2010

I've been married now for 7 years, so I have to tell you something my pastor told me: You CHOOSE to love. The fact is that your boyfriend CHOSE not to love you, and there was nothing your weight could do to fix it.

Fact is, if he was concerned for your health, he would have told you and supported you. He seemed to be more concerned with himself, and he decided that you weren't 'with him'.

Not to worry.

You're beautiful. You'll meet someone who loves you. Entirely.
Weight is like age - it's a number. Of course, it's an uncomfortable number.

Lose weight for you, and lose the guilt. I'll be there to help you if you need support.

JD

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Response to Holton:

Thank you for reading my post and responding. I'm really trying to fully accept making myself happy first before anything/anyone else. I've always put other people and their needs before mine, and I've learned the hard way how too much of that mentality can backfire. Thanks for helping me to clarify my views/feelings on the situation. I appreciate that you speak from 20 years of married experience. I wish you the best towards your goal!

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Response to MrJoshuah:

I've never thought of the advice your pastor gave: You CHOOSE to love.
I'm going to let that roll around in my head for a while. It's a decision one makes.. either you do love, or you don't. No in-between's.
Little by little, I'm trying to let go of the guilt. Thanks a bunch for your kind words, advice, and support. I wish you the best

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metco89 · July 2010

When I read your post all I could see is how he made everything "all about him" .
If you loved HIM more you would lose weight.
By not losing weight you were disrespecting HIM.
and so on but no where did I see where he did anything for you. He withheld affection. Where is his love and support??
I know this betrayal is painful but it sounds like he is very selfish and self centered, You need and deserve someone who loves you for who you are. There is a great guy out there that will cherish you now and love and help you as you struggle with your weight.

I agree 100% with this. If he has only shown affection in times of sorrow or when an argument made him feel it necessary, and you crave more, chances are you will not get it here. I recently ended a relationship that was similar always about him, I didn't see any of it until it was over and my friends had been trying to tell me but love is blind. however it is not self centered and hurtful. Reading your post took me back to that recently ended relationship it wasn't my weight though it was everything. If you lose the weight he will come up with something else to keep your self esteem down. It took me quite sometime to regroup because he had me thinking no one else would want me cause i had all these issues. Well today, i am single by choice, getting to know me again, losing weight for me and to enjoy life with my granddaughter. Graduating from nursing school is a great accomplishment, i did it in 1984, long time ago LOL but wow the doors that are now open for you are endless. You are a beautiful young lady and deserve to be treated as such. I know how hard it is to end a relationship especially if we have been made to feel inadequate. What i found looking back is that he had problems that were way out of my league to handle. I don't know what your beliefs are but i will share mine. I now believe that if it is God's will you be with him nothing can mess it up, if it is not God's will it is messed up from the get go, we just don't see it right away. My last relationship did show me i am capable of being in a kind and loving relationship, just not with him. Since our breakup i have seen him go thru women like water. No one puts up with what i did and i won't do it again. God will put someone in your life that loves you unconditionally when the time is right. hard as it may be let him go and move on. you have so much to offer regardless of your weight. This is his loss. hang in there, wishing you much success. sorry for the long post but it took me straight back to that OMG, is she dating Edmond? (my ex cause sounded so much like him) i am not confused today, it is his loss and I am moving on feeling good. you deserve better.:flowerforyou:

weaklink109 · July 2010

I read the original post twice, then I read everyone's response. There are many good points made by others, but this is my take:

Your ex is a control freak, and if it hadn't been your weight, it would have been something else. If you do lose, and he suddenly decides he "can" love you again, there will be something else that comes along for him to "correct" you on.

I have been married twice. I am single by choice, and haven't had a serious relationship since my second marriage ended in 2003. There was a song in the early 70's by Ricky Nelson called "Garden Party." My philosophy is pretty well summed up by this line from it. "You can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself."

That is what I think you should do is please yourself, and if "Mr. Wonderful" has a change of heart, become "unavailable," Keep your eye out for someone who WILL love you unconditionally.

Good luck!!!

Loriel · July 2010

I agree with a lot that is being said. I noticed how many times you said that he loved you and he wanted this and he wanted that and yet you only mentioned once in passing that you loved him. I also have a husband who says he wants me to lose weight, not because he is unhappy about my looks but because he says he just found me and doesn't want to lose me. He doesn't threaten me or berate me and make it about him. He brings me a glass of water every time he passes me, keeps all junk food hidden downstairs where it won't "call my name" and will eat anything that is on my "diet plan". He by the way is not overweight at all. He does worry about my health but supports me all the way.

Maybe there is a reason you regained the weight. Sometimes we gain to make ourselves unattractive so no one will want us. If no one wants us we can't get hurt by them.

I also don't think that you "wasted" 8 years. Maybe you were busy learning something so that when life hands you something incredible down the road you will be ready for it. I was married to the manic depressive and then lived with the alcoholic because I didn't think I was worthy. I still don't feel that I deserve the good things in life at times and still I have an incredible husband. I don't really believe that "if you don't love yourself no one else can love you". I think that there is some truth in it but I think the right people in your life can help you realize that you are worth it.

You should maybe think about what makes you happy. What you want in life and in a partner. I actually made a list (wrote it down and everything). I listed all the things I HAD to have in a relationship, all the things I could NOT have and the things in between that I could give or take. My husband is absolutely everything I had to have, none of the could not haves and most of the I wanted but didn't have to have.

They exist, so set your standards above "settle for" and work on making yourself happy in a healthy way and let life hand you the perfect person for you when you are ready.

What's your perspective? Opinions wanted!

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