What to say to nervous husband?
My husband has recently confessed that the reason he isn't supportive of my diet and exercise is that he is scared that I will get skinny and leave him for someone more attractive. He is a healthy weight himself, nine years older, and bald, which he thinks I don't love but I do.
I try to reassure him and show him lots of affection and I've never taken an interest in another man, even to just check them out. He just can't seem to muster up any support for me. He tries to get me to eat bad foods, or lots of food. He b*tches and complains when he has to drive me to the rec center for y aquafit class. He complains when I need the tv to workout on the weekends. But I think all of that is just his insecurity about losing me if I get skinny.
His ex started stepping out on him after she lost a lot of weight so that is where it comes from.
How can I make him feel more secure?
I try to reassure him and show him lots of affection and I've never taken an interest in another man, even to just check them out. He just can't seem to muster up any support for me. He tries to get me to eat bad foods, or lots of food. He b*tches and complains when he has to drive me to the rec center for y aquafit class. He complains when I need the tv to workout on the weekends. But I think all of that is just his insecurity about losing me if I get skinny.
His ex started stepping out on him after she lost a lot of weight so that is where it comes from.
How can I make him feel more secure?
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Replies
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This would probably be best saved for a marriage counselor or something similar. There are issues here that MPF members are not qualified to advise on.0
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Divorce.0
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As a human being, you are qualified to comment on the affairs of other human beings. You dont need to be a marriage counselor (two month course) to do that.0
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I think all you can do is show him with your behavior that you aren't going to leave him. If he doesn't believe what he sees, there must be an underlying communication problem.0
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I am not sure if there is more you can do to make him feel better more than what you are doing. I would just keep reminding him how much you love him, how sexy he is to you, and make sure he knows that you are doing this to become a healthy person so that you can be around and get old with him.0
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I'd agree with brower47, except is seems you two are already having a discussion about the matter. As long as you are communicating, there isn't much else you can do. He may need reassurance, but you need to call him out when he's blocking you from your goals. Additionally, steer the conversation away from fat vs skinny and start talking about being healthy and longevity (something both of you can support).0
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Well, I used to have low self-esteem, and the only thing which fixed it was getting in shape and cultivating self-love.
He has to love himself before he can love the new you.
My 2 cents.0 -
I am not sure if there is more you can do to make him feel better more than what you are doing. I would just keep reminding him how much you love him, how sexy he is to you, and make sure he knows that you are doing this to become a healthy person so that you can be around and get old with him.
Veyr good advice. I guess only time can really make him understand.0 -
I'd agree with brower47, except is seems you two are already having a discussion about the matter. As long as you are communicating, there isn't much else you can do. He may need reassurance, but you need to call him out when he's blocking you from your goals. Additionally, steer the conversation away from fat vs skinny and start talking about being healthy and longevity (something both of you can support).
Good advice.0 -
I think all you can do is show him with your behavior that you aren't going to leave him. If he doesn't believe what he sees, there must be an underlying communication problem.
This^^^0 -
Marriage is through thick and thin, literally. My ex-wife left me when I got fat. I am slim and trim now and every time I pickup the kids from her house I see her eyeballing me, makes me feel good. That's off track, but trust me, make him understand that you are losing weight to make you feel better about yourself, and that's it. Maybe make him a part of your weight-loss by getting him to be active with you, even if he doesn't want to. Make him go on a bike ride with you. You're the woman of the relationship, you have all the power. lol...0
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His ex started stepping out on him after she lost a lot of weight so that is where it comes from.
How can I make him feel more secure?
There's your problem right there - or rather, his. If that experience has left him this insecure and hurt, then it would be advisable for him to look into therapy for himself. As for you, you can't make him feel any more secure; managing his thoughts and emotions is up to him. But you can talk to him about his experience and let him know that you support him working through it whatever way he needs to. That might help him to at least think about the situation in a different way.0 -
Encourage him to work out with you! If he goes with you and is able to help you on your journey it may bring the two of you closer together.
It would also help to find some way to convince him that you are working out to improve yourself and because you are unhappy with the way you currently are.0 -
perhaps if he worked out with you as much as possible he'd feel like part of the journey & will have more self-confidence?0
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I agree with counseling. It sounds like you guys would benefit from marriage counseling as well as individual counseling for him.
As for things you can do aside from counseling...
Compliment him
Show him lots of affection
Thank him for his support and tell him how much it means to you(when he is supportive)
Remind him that you are doing this so you can be healthy and live a long, active life with him
Tell him you want to feel sexy and confident for YOURSELF and for him0 -
I would have conversations over and over again. Like the fact that you guys want to have a long and happy life together, and not be obese, out of shape, oxygen dependent and couch ridden senior citizens. I would also reassure him point blank, if you haven't already "I know you had this experience, but I am not going to leave you, and I feel like you're trying to sabotage me, and that sucks." Explain also how hurtful it is that he seems to expect you to cheat just because you are working on your health. Explain that his support is important. Call him out when he comes home with pints of ice cream (or whatever your weakness is). If you are still working on having portion control, then eat a small amount of your "food presents" from him and throw the rest away.0
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this. Also my husband is the perfect weight IMO but could probably go down just a little in BF% and he is not a healthy eater at all (lucky turkey) and has gotten worked up over me changing the diet in our house, saying he doesn't need or want to lose weight. However I am concerned for his health since heart disease is a very big thing on his side. However, he likes the fact that I've found something I enjoy and that I'm passionate about so maybe also you can express to him you enjoy eating healthy and being activeI'd agree with brower47, except is seems you two are already having a discussion about the matter. As long as you are communicating, there isn't much else you can do. He may need reassurance, but you need to call him out when he's blocking you from your goals. Additionally, steer the conversation away from fat vs skinny and start talking about being healthy and longevity (something both of you can support).0 -
Take him to the gym, go hiking or running or swimming or something together.0
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I think you should talk to him, a sit down, down and into the uncomfortablenes talk. After he has already been betrayed by one person in a similar situation, sure he's going to be insecure. It may be there's something else along with it, or that it's just simply that, but explain to him your side of why you're doing this, that it isn't because you want to get 'attractive' to move on.
Maybe try and plan some you and him time together walking, or something as well? Perhaps he is feeling left out of this journey your taking (as the classes/video may not be to his taste).
After everything else, then it may indeed be time for some marriage counseling, as it's not just broken marriages that can benefit from counseling.0 -
Tell your husband this. If my wife told me, I think I would not have any issues.
Say, "Honey, you know its not another man I am getting fit for. Have you even thought of having a three way with another woman?"
Marriage saved! You're welcome.
* also text him naughty pictures thought the day.0 -
Hmm, maybe a way to show him that you're for his eyes only is to perhaps do little things for him to include him in your weightloss journey. Which, by the way, congrats on doing.
If I were you, I'd take some time out to make it all about him. Make a fancy dinner for the two of you, or if you don't have time to cook, order in and set it out nicely. Reminding him about how much you love him can have such a huge effect. It's only words, and some may feel that saying stuff like that is insignificant, but it does stick, believe me.
You say you're affectionate with him, that's so lovely. Maybe you can do cute things like, if you reach mini-targets as you lose weight, do something fun together. A day out, or a movie, gifts, tickets to something, stuff like that.
I'm not sure if other men would do this, perhaps, but regarding my partner, I kind of include him in my clothes and underwear shopping too. Not because I can't choose them myself, but because we end up having a lot of fun and a good laugh on the day, and even though he's not into shopping per se, spending that time with me is what makes him happy and I can let him know that I want HIM to look at me, not anyone else.
As people have said before me, communication is the key. Not just to this situation, but to any relationship, really. I'm certain that, as time passes and communication is fluent, he'll settle down and you won't have to worry about him so much. 0 -
My husband has recently confessed that the reason he isn't supportive of my diet and exercise is that he is scared that I will get skinny and leave him for someone more attractive. He is a healthy weight himself, nine years older, and bald, which he thinks I don't love but I do.
I try to reassure him and show him lots of affection and I've never taken an interest in another man, even to just check them out. He just can't seem to muster up any support for me. He tries to get me to eat bad foods, or lots of food. He b*tches and complains when he has to drive me to the rec center for y aquafit class. He complains when I need the tv to workout on the weekends. But I think all of that is just his insecurity about losing me if I get skinny.
His ex started stepping out on him after she lost a lot of weight so that is where it comes from.
How can I make him feel more secure?
I've heard this from more than one person (both male and female) that their partner fears they will get thin and then go find a "better option". They unintentionally imply we couldn't get someone at the weight we were at if we were so inclined, which I find pretty offensive. And that's exactly what I'd tell him. "I could get someone else just like I am now if that's what I wanted. But I don't want someone else. I want you, and I want to be healthy so we can live a long life together instead of me dropping dead of heart disease or taking insulin for Type 2 diabetes or many other possible outcomes of not losing this weight. Most importantly, I want to feel better about myself, and losing this weight is part of making that happen (trust me it's only part of the equation for most of us). I know you have had a bad past experience with someone who lost weight and then acted inappropriately. I'm sorry that happened to you (although it's what made you available to be with me so I'm not that sorry). But I'm not her. And I need to not be assumed to be planning bad deeds just because someone else did them in th past. I need your support and not having it is making this all that much harder, when I'm already struggling day to day to stick with my routine. Can you please try and support me by not complaining so much? And in return, what can I do to make my workouts more convenient for you (as far as using up TV time and whatnot).0 -
Yeah if he has issues from his past, you may have a very hard road ahead of you. He won't beleive it that you aren't on your way out, if he sincerely beleives that's why she left. He'd have to get closure on why that REALLY happened. Therapy may work. A call from or to her [awkward and scary, I know], or just a simple statement from you. "Is her weight loss really the ONLY reason she cheated?" Don't expect a reply. It's just planting the seed. Say the statement, and let it marinate. If he is this side of moron, he will come to his own conclusions as really only he can. Only he knows what went on in that relationship FOR REAL, and only he knows if he's been telling you the whole truth. Which is unlikely because there are two sides to every story and PERCEPTION is a big major deal, so he may not really be able to share the whole story but might on some gut level have an understanding.
Then a week or two later after this is sprouting into some kind of epiphany, you hit him with, "Are you gonna let an old ex cheater from your past get in the way of you tapping a hot azz wife, now? How much power are we giving that old skank?" Save it for during an argument so you don't start a fight with it. But it needs to get in his head too.0 -
Just keep doing what you're doing for him, especially with the affection.
He doesn't think you like his baldness?
Offer to help him shave his head.
And like the other posters have said, make sure he knows he's ALWAYS welcome to join you in/on your workouts.0 -
I think all you can do is show him with your behavior that you aren't going to leave him. If he doesn't believe what he sees, there must be an underlying communication problem.
I agree with this. It sounds like you're doing all you can as far as trying to reassure him. Beyond that, I'm not sure what else you can do. In time, hopefully he'll see that you aren't going anywhere.0 -
Every person has basic rights and responsibilities.
You have a basic right to pursuit a healthy lifestyle.
My older husband has expressed similar feelings, and exhibited similar behavior.
As a child of the 90's, I have finally stood up for myself with my mantra: "Just Say No."
But...
Because I love him, I pair my new "Just Say No" with a loving touch: such as when he wants a hot chocolate late at night. Instead of drinking calories with him, I just sit there with him. We chat. In my head, I'm thinking about Bikini Season, a tight stomach, my results on the scale in the morning, etc.
This sounds a lot like hand-holding. It is. But I love the big guy, he's my family. So, I just crank up my personal conviction and hold his hand.
You titled your post: "...NERVOUS..." and I think it is just that. We cannot cure their insecurities. But we can offer them comfort.
Have you suggested that he walk with you? (I suggested about 100s times before he said yes ;-))0 -
IMO it is really his problem not yours. I don't think it should be your job to assuage his insecurity, this is a personal problem he must work on himself. If you have never given him a reason to doubt your fidelity then remaining loving and attentive should calm him in the long run.
Just keep up the good work and don't feed into his fears.0 -
DTMFA0
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He b*tches and complains when he has to drive me to the rec center for y aquafit class. He complains when I need the tv to workout on the weekends. But I think all of that is just his insecurity about losing me if I get skinny.
His ex started stepping out on him after she lost a lot of weight so that is where it comes from.
How can I make him feel more secure?
Tell him you can either hang out at the gym or you could start going to the clubs with his ex wife. Let him choose which option he likes the best.0 -
Definitely DON'T ignore his feelings, what you're doing now is good. And I know people have suggested this, but seriously, ASK HIM TO WORK OUT WITH YOU. He will appreciate getting to spend time with you. At first, he might think he's keeping an eye on you, but you two might start to enjoy yourselves and make a hobby of it. I'm assuming you're losing weight for the health benefits, not just to get skinny quick. Again, as others have mentioned, make sure to mention that. You want to be healthy to grow old and grey--with him.
If nothing else works, he definitely needs to work out his issues in therapy. There is only so much you as a wife can do to modify his thoughts and behaviors. Good luck. Feel free to add if you'd like!
Edit: Asking him to work out with you is so, so important. He may just feel left out, too.0
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