Lost weight, feeling worse

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nataliesarazyn
nataliesarazyn Posts: 24 Member
in Motivation and Support
When I was in high school I peaked at around 220lbs in 2007. Fast forward to 2013 and I'm at 132. I know that with weight loss people are supposed to gain confidence. The problem is that I've actually lost confidence. I used to be happy with my overweight body, but now I feel fat and disgusting everyday. I see how my stomach still sticks out more then my boobs. I see all the old stretch marks more now then ever. I thought loosing weight would help me attract men, but men still avoid me like like plague. My ex left me for another (prettier) girl. My confidence took an ever bigger hit with that one. Im sick of the "just give it time" motto. I've given it plenty of time and its not getting any better. Sometimes I'll feel pretty and skinny for 3 seconds or so, but it always goes away. Nobody ever gives me compliments. I get so jealous of pretty girls, to the point where I hate them. I had to stop being friends with my best friend of 15 years because I couldn't stand her getting compliments and guys buying drinks and hitting her her endlessly, while I got ignored or even insulted. I became abnormally jealous and kept hoping she would get in some sort of accident and become scarred or deformed. These are very unhealthy thoughts. I feel so messed up and backwards. What am I doing wrong? Has anyone else experienced this and what did you do? How did you make it go away? Or will it never go away?

Replies

  • pastryari
    pastryari Posts: 8,646 Member
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    When I was in high school I peaked at around 220lbs in 2007. Fast forward to 2013 and I'm at 132. I know that with weight loss people are supposed to gain confidence. The problem is that I've actually lost confidence. I used to be happy with my overweight body, but now I feel fat and disgusting everyday. I see how my stomach still sticks out more then my boobs. I see all the old stretch marks more now then ever. I thought loosing weight would help me attract men, but men still avoid me like like plague. My ex left me for another (prettier) girl. My confidence took an ever bigger hit with that one. Im sick of the "just give it time" motto. I've given it plenty of time and its not getting any better. Sometimes I'll feel pretty and skinny for 3 seconds or so, but it always goes away. Nobody ever gives me compliments. I get so jealous of pretty girls, to the point where I hate them. I had to stop being friends with my best friend of 15 years because I couldn't stand her getting compliments and guys buying drinks and hitting her her endlessly, while I got ignored or even insulted. I became abnormally jealous and kept hoping she would get in some sort of accident and become scarred or deformed. These are very unhealthy thoughts. I feel so messed up and backwards. What am I doing wrong? Has anyone else experienced this and what did you do? How did you make it go away? Or will it never go away?

    I would suggest you see a professional to help you sort out these thoughts.. Hoping your best friend has an accident and becomes scarred/deformed is extremely unhealthy and frankly, pretty concerning.
  • laurajade111
    laurajade111 Posts: 58
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    I know its scary and expensive, but it would be worth seeing a professional. You could also try listening to some hynotherapy before bed? Also look in the mirror everyday and state 3 things you love about yourself. Smile, force yourself, it sends signals to the brain which will trick it into thinking you are really happy, and over time you genuinely will feel better.

    This website helped me with anxiety - not sure if it will work in us, but worth a go. Good luck!
    http://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/
  • nataliesarazyn
    nataliesarazyn Posts: 24 Member
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    I have been talking to a therapist about my negative self image and jealousy issues. She keeps trying to reassure me that these are normal feelings that many people face, and that they will go away with time. I'm just having a hard time believing it. Also, I wouldn't ever really wish bad things upon my old friend. It's just a lot of jealously. I've always Been the "fat friend" and sick of being second best. Distancing myself from her has helped somewhat.
  • micheleb15
    micheleb15 Posts: 1,418 Member
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    I have been talking to a therapist about my negative self image and jealousy issues. She keeps trying to reassure me that these are normal feelings that many people face, and that they will go away with time. I'm just having a hard time believing it. Also, I wouldn't ever really wish bad things upon my old friend. It's just a lot of jealously. I've always Been the "fat friend" and sick of being second best. Distancing myself from her has helped somewhat.

    There are plenty of therapists out there. Maybe try a new one. I'd be upset if I heard "These are normal feelings that will go away with time." You should be given exercises to work on until your next appointment. Does your friend make you feel like this or is it just guys? It's sad that you have to distance yourself from a friend due to this.
  • watchhillgirl
    watchhillgirl Posts: 597 Member
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    I have been talking to a therapist about my negative self image and jealousy issues. She keeps trying to reassure me that these are normal feelings that many people face, and that they will go away with time. I'm just having a hard time believing it. Also, I wouldn't ever really wish bad things upon my old friend. It's just a lot of jealously. I've always Been the "fat friend" and sick of being second best. Distancing myself from her has helped somewhat.

    You need to get another therapist in my opinion. I can't imagine giving up a friend because I was that jealous.
  • Krys_140
    Krys_140 Posts: 648 Member
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    I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know it's not by choice. Glad you're seeking help, but perhaps it's time to try another therapist. "It will go away" is not helpful in the short term, and may cause you more harm in the long term (what if it doesn't go away? you'll stop trusting your therapist, and lose faith in what she's told you about other things, too).
  • nataliesarazyn
    nataliesarazyn Posts: 24 Member
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    Our friendship has been fading for awhile anyway. She's always interested in going out and drinking on he weekends. I'm more introverted. I used to go out with her but she would always criticize my hair, clothes, and makeup and said I was making her look bad because I wasn't put together enough. It got too frustrating for me.

    Edit: I just uploaded a picture with my mom from Mother's Day yesterday. I got dressed up fancy and we went to the Cheesecake Factory. (I had a salad with salmon, water only, no cheesecake). I actually felt pretty last night and proud that I ate healthy. I wish I felt like this more often.
  • FeelingLessChubby
    FeelingLessChubby Posts: 152 Member
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    Natalie - you are a beautiful girl, and it's really too bad that you don't see it. I agree with others - it's time to see a new therapist. This one isn't a good match for you. A good therapist will usually give you like "homework" to go home and think about specific stuff, which really helps. Not all do, but many do. This way your therapy continues even when you're not seeing a therapist.

    Good luck, I really hope you'll be able to see yourself more clearly for the beautiful person you are :o)
  • Arloma
    Arloma Posts: 15 Member
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    I'm sorry for the way you're feeling about yourself and like some of the other posters said, I hope you can truly find a way to begin to accept and love yourself with or without professional help. I think you look beautiful - you're smiling with both your mouth and your eyes and it makes you look very happy and confident. You should be very proud of your weight loss. You don't need friends who are constantly critical of the way you look or comparing their looks to yours. Everyone has body flaws they're not happy with so that's ok but you don't need to dwell on them or allow them to detract from your other beautiful features and most importantly what's inside you.

    Thank you for being brave enough to reach out to this community. I believe you will find the kind support here that will help you feel better about yourself. Find or invent reasons to 'dress up fancy' like yesterday, go out - doesn't always have to revolve around food or drinks - enjoy yourself and feel good about all that's good in your life. When you feel good from the inside, the outside will follow suit.
  • Melissa11412
    Melissa11412 Posts: 145 Member
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    I looked at your pictures - profile and the Mothers Day out picture and you are not unattractive. I know how it is though - people can say that all day long and until I myself believe it it's all for sh**. To me, the experiences you've related sounds like....and this is no offense it's just a phrase to illustrate the point.....a 'dressed up garbage can.' (I have similar issues). I work so hard on fixing the outside and meanwhile all the inside garbage is just festering away, not being tended to. I was able to get some breakthroughs and understanding about myself through working on assignments dedicated to me and my thoughts, feelings and fears. Can your therapist give you some working, written assignments? Then sit and discuss the assignments during session? (I'm not a therapist, just throwing suggestions out there)


    there's even group therapy, or therapists that work on a sliding scale if $ is an issue.
  • freebirdjones
    freebirdjones Posts: 237
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    I would also go to another therapist. I hope as well some of your motivation to get fit was the health benefits. Because thinking you will feel beautiful if you are thin is setting yourself up for disappointment. no matter what along the way you will always find something about your body you may not like and a good therapist will keep trying different ways/ tricks to change your thinking. I don't think time is the answer, practicing behavior that will change the end outcome is needed. good luck to you xox
  • micheleb15
    micheleb15 Posts: 1,418 Member
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    Our friendship has been fading for awhile anyway. She's always interested in going out and drinking on he weekends. I'm more introverted. I used to go out with her but she would always criticize my hair, clothes, and makeup and said I was making her look bad because I wasn't put together enough. It got too frustrating for me.

    Edit: I just uploaded a picture with my mom from Mother's Day yesterday. I got dressed up fancy and we went to the Cheesecake Factory. (I had a salad with salmon, water only, no cheesecake). I actually felt pretty last night and proud that I ate healthy. I wish I felt like this more often.

    If she is criticizing you, then yes you need distance. It's always best to get the toxic people out of your life. You are a beautiful woman who has worked so hard to lose weight and be healthy. I hope that you are able to find the happiness you deserve.
  • dirtbikegirl5
    dirtbikegirl5 Posts: 391 Member
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    I agree with everyone else that you need to get another therapist. This is not about being fat and comfortable or losing weight and expecting that all is supposed to be right with the world. This is not about your weight. This is about your self esteem and it probably shows outward. Find a therapist who will help you work on exercises to get you feeling better about yourself, not just telling you that it will all go away eventually or that what you are feeling is normal.
  • JesterMFP
    JesterMFP Posts: 3,596 Member
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    I would definitely try a new therapist. It can be hard getting your head around that kind of weight loss and realising that you don't suddenly become really confident when the weight is gone. I can understand that and have gone through something similar (albeit a decade older than you). However, the feelings you are talking about sound quite extreme and more complex than just being to do with weight loss. There is a huge variety in therapists and their levels of competence/experience. I would look for one who can help you better than your current one.
  • nataliesarazyn
    nataliesarazyn Posts: 24 Member
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    Thanks for the advice and support everyone. I'm shocked, I wasn't expecting to have so many responses. Most of you had very nice things so say and I really appreciate it. It's very hard for me to see good qualities in myself. I want to work on that and feel happy again.
  • MayaSPapaya
    MayaSPapaya Posts: 735 Member
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    I agree that you need to see a therapist. I think we are all to a degree still critical of our bodies, but the way you think of yourself is unhealthy. I would try a new therapist.
  • squirrelzzrule22
    squirrelzzrule22 Posts: 640 Member
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    I don't know much about therapy, but in the past I had a similar level of self esteem issues. After a night out I'd typically cry and hate how ugly I was, and I seriously resented my friends. For me, it honestly did take some time and some growing up. But getting healthier definitely helped. Other things that help-

    -setting a specific fitness goal you can achieve and feel great about. Lifting a certain amount, completing a particular class, etc. For me it was a half marathon, something I never thought I could achieve!
    - splurge on a nice cut and color. I always feel great after a good haircut.
    - maybe grab some new glasses? A new dress? A wardrobe addition that is out of the norm for you but makes you feel great.

    I know it sucks to hear but it does get better with time. Hang in there! And ditch the bar scene if you don't like it. Maybe it's a weird suggestion but maybe try signing up for OKCupid or something. Put up photos that you think represent you well then go on a couple dates where you already know the guy knows what you look like so you won't stress about that aspect!
  • zaftiggirl
    zaftiggirl Posts: 82 Member
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    Losing weight–in itself–rarely helps confidence and body image issues. Something that has helped me through my body image issues is to take 10 minutes a day to write about things that I am thankful for. Negativity can make a life miserable... and if you're projecting negativity to those around you, they'll avoid you. Or if you're expecting people to treat you like you're second-best, they probably will–or you'll perceive it that way, at least. If you can focus less on the good fortunes of others, and focus more on what's going right in your own life, your feelings of jealousy are likely to subside.

    Make an effort to think well about yourself, taking control of your thoughts and emotions - it's cheaper than a therapist (although a professional would be great help) and it's something you can be proactive about. Not preaching; I've been through my fair share of body image issues.
  • nataliesarazyn
    nataliesarazyn Posts: 24 Member
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    I don't know much about therapy, but in the past I had a similar level of self esteem issues. After a night out I'd typically cry and hate how ugly I was, and I seriously resented my friends. For me, it honestly did take some time and some growing up. But getting healthier definitely helped. Other things that help-

    -setting a specific fitness goal you can achieve and feel great about. Lifting a certain amount, completing a particular class, etc. For me it was a half marathon, something I never thought I could achieve!
    - splurge on a nice cut and color. I always feel great after a good haircut.
    - maybe grab some new glasses? A new dress? A wardrobe addition that is out of the norm for you but makes you feel great.

    I know it sucks to hear but it does get better with time. Hang in there! And ditch the bar scene if you don't like it. Maybe it's a weird suggestion but maybe try signing up for OKCupid or something. Put up photos that you think represent you well then go on a couple dates where you already know the guy knows what you look like so you won't stress about that aspect!

    Thank you so much. This post was very helpful. I do have a specific goal for myself. I want to wear a bikini for the first time ever ( an feel comfortable doing it). To me it seems like the scariest thing in the world. I already bought the bikini so there's no turning back now. As an extremely broke college student I can't afford to buy a bathing suit and not wear it haha. I actually did dye and cut my hair, bought some new clothes, and got new glasses. How ironic that you suggest those things lol. Although I haven't picked up the glasses yet.
  • MSFRDC
    MSFRDC Posts: 5 Member
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    Agree wholeheartedly with post above. The right counselor can do wonders in terms of helping someone reframe his/her thoughts.

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