What's your perspective? Opinions wanted!

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Hello All;

I am new to this site and decided to join after reading several posts. From what I have read, the members on this site seem to have good insight and have provided others with both facts and opinions to back up their beliefs. I introduce the topic below, because it's happening to me right now, and I need perspectives from others just to check myself.
I encourage honesty, and I have thick skin, so be honest! I prefer the truth above all else.

My boyfriend of 8 years recently broke up with me due to my weight. I am 207 right now, and was 221 eight years ago when he met me. In the course of our relationship, I shed alot of weight and dropped down to 150 at which time I was MUCH happier with myself, both internally and externally. So basically...he met me heavy, I lost, then gained back.
During the relationship, my boyfriend (well, ex-boyfriend now) had said his MAIN CONCERN about my weight was because he feared it would lead to health problems for me. He lost his mother to breast cancer when she was 47, and his fear was to lose me as well. I myself, have NO health problems, (thank God). I have always eaten well, exercised when I could, drink as much water as I can, and am not a stranger to proper eating. I can not claim ignorance, I am smart. I do snack from time to time, but in moderation. (No lie.)
My ex comes from a very athletic family and being in shape is what's normal for him. Anything deviating from that is abnormal. He himself is in good shape, goes to the gym, and has a brown belt in ju-jitsu.
We have gone to the gym together, exercised together, and he has tried to help me lose weight. I won't lie and say he's been unsupportive just to make me look right. He has taught me exercises and educated me on proper ways to lose weight.

His decision to leave me was based on me not being able to lose the weight. He claims that I don't love myself enough to care for myself to lose weight. This is turn led to him believing that if I don't love myself, I must not love him. I can say that I have been loving and supportive of him. I left my home state of NY and he and I moved to FL together to start a life. I helped us purchase a home, and build a life. All of which we had to tear down when I got laid off. His lay off followed 8 months later. We are now back in NY and I've just graduated nursing school. He has a new job.

All in all, I feel guilty and I feel as if I have neglected his feelings. He said that all he ever wanted from me was for me to lose the weight. In turn, all I ever wanted from him was love and affection. I must say, in the course of 8 years, he has only hugged me about 10 times, most of which happened because either someone I loved died or we made up after an argument. This made me feel that I was unlovable, but I know that I am.
Not to sound boastful, but I am attractive. Nearly every day, men either try to talk to me or ask for my phone number. Even at 207 pounds which I am right now.

I have failed at losing weight because although I know the right way to exercise, I feel ALOT of anxiety when it comes to the gym. None of my friends exercise. I don't have an exercise buddy, so it's all me. Mostly, friends don't want to work out because they find it's a waste of time. But I remember how happy I was at 150 pounds. It was a new me! It's harder now, because I lost the weight and re-gained it back. I feel like a failure, and more so, I lost a man who loved and had wanted to marry me.

He was always financially supportive when I got laid off, and never bothered me about it. He actually worked harder to make up for me losing my job. He LIVED at his job, and took all the overtime possible. He has no kids, neither do I. He is loyal, very smart and thoughtful.
It bothers me that I never got the affection I needed, but he blames that on me. He said that my "problem" caused him to be unattracted to me. Isn't that conditional love??? I thought love should be real no matter the size??? I told him this, but he said he does love me, but is scared he'll lose me to a disease and that I don't respect myself. Furthermore, I have disrespected him because I have denied his request for me to lose weight, especially since he's been asking this for 8 years. His defense was, "If you were an alcoholic, and I wasn't, and I asked you to stop drinking and you chose not to, I would have to leave you."

I'm so confused. I feel responsible and guilty. On the other hand, I feel that he should love me for ME, as I love him for HIM. His reasoning for asking me to lose weight is, he's asking me to do something to better MYSELF, and it's not for him. It's more for me. He believes it's a self-less request. Something I can do to improve my life. Honestly, I am not happy with myself. I don't want to be labeled as a "BBW" because I am not comfortable with that. I don't want to stay this way. I want to change, but have alot of anxiety towards doing so.

Any advice/opinions from both women AND men is welcomed. Sorry such a lengthy post, but wanted to give as much background info as possible.
Sincere thanks for your time and thoughts.

)

~Bellissima

CharityD · July 2010

I say take care of yourself first, then the rest will follow. Do what you need to do to get back to happy. If you were big when y'all met, I wonder did he see you as a "project"? When relationships start with the "They will be perfect when (fill in the blank)" it's a problem. And yes, you should find someone that loves you for YOU, no matter what size. I think him wanting you to lose weight for your health is a cop out.

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Hi Charity,

Thanks for reading and responding. Interesting point you make about him seeing me as a "project." That's something he said to me once. He felt that if he loved me enough, he could "fix" me. I'll never forget what he said one time, "You are perfect. You truly are. The only one problem you have is that you're overweight. I've never met such a great woman. If you would fix that one problem, you'd be a gift from heaven."

I've never heard such a left-handed compliment in all of my life. LOL.

Yes, They will be perfect when they _________" is defintely the case here.

But, sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. Maybe losing the weight will fix things with me and him, rather than looking for someone else. (People are weird nowadays.)

I'm not by any means looking for another man. I realize I need to do things for myself right now. I just hate this bad feeling, and instead of a break up I feel like I'm going through a divorce. That's how close and invested we were in each other's lives.

Realistically, nothing can happen unless I change it. Off to the gym tomorrow.

Thanks for the love

lesterfaye81 · July 2010

Let me get this straight: You were this man's project for EIGHT YEARS? He starting dating you when you were heavy and then left you because you were heavy? Does he have a third eye or something or was he just looking for someone he could work on? It sounds to me like you were being manipulated. If he really cared about you, he wouldn't spend so much time trying to change you. If YOU wanted to go to the gym with him, that would be fine, but the fact that you're exercising at all should be enough for the togetherness factor.

Whether you lose weight on this site or not, girl, look at it this way: You've already lost a lot of really ugly weight. Yup. At least 150 lbs if I'm guessing correctly.

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Thanks for your reply. I started at 221 pounds eight years ago. I went down to 150 pounds. I gained back most of the weight and am now 207 pounds. I re-gained mostly due to birth control pills, and stopped going to the gym because I lost motivation after I lost my job and lost my income. I lost damn near everything after that. It was depressing.

ltlemermaid · July 2010

You should focus on yourself and what makes you happy. If you were happy at 150lbs aim for that and work towards it--you didn't gain that weight overnight and its not going to come off quickly. If you make smaller goals and reward yourself when they are achieved you can get to YOUR ideal weight. Focus on your job and goals, learn to be by yourself-I actually prefer to go to teh gym/work out alone , its less distracting and I can focus on my exercise..

As for this guy--sounds like he and you are very close/long term, BUT he is disrespecting you! The best thing he did was leave!! Now you can start fresh and work on you without worrying about him or others. I agree with the above posts about him using you as a "project" this is plain cruel. He met you when you were heavy stayed with you when you lost some weight and then left beacuse of your weight-and he says he loves you--NO that is not true! If he really truely loved you he would at any size.

What happens if you lose the weight and he comes back and you get back together say down the road you decide to have babies etc and gain weight--whats going to happen then? Is he going to leave you because you got heavy again? or expect you not to gain weight during pregnancy? I'm looking long term here-having him around always being negative about your weight is not healthy and it won't help you in the long run.

Good luck and I hope for the best for you!

WrenLynn · July 2010

You wanted my honest opinion so here it is. It has nothing to do with your weight! He fell in love with you when you were heavy so it just doesn't make sense that is why he broke up with you. My guess is there is someone else and this was the easiest way for him to get out of the relationship without making himself out to be the bad guy. Please do not get hung up about this guy. Move on to greener pastures because there are guys out there that will love you for you no matter what you weigh. Don't be surprised when you hear he is in another relationship already. If you want to lose weight please do so but for yourself and no one else. Otherwise you won't succeed in losing or will gain it all back. I have been there and done that and now am losing for the right reasons. Good luck.

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Thank you for your reply to my post. I also enjoy going to the gym/working out alone, because it is less stressful and gives me time to intraspect. I just joined a new gym and have always wanted to try a spin class. Technically, you're working out alone, but the group setting provides motivation.
Best of luck to you, I see by your stats that you're doing well. Keep going!!!

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

I like honest opinions! Thanks much for your reply. He wanted to keep calling/texting me to be "friends" but I told him to please leave me alone for a while. He was shocked. I'm putting all my effort into focusing on my goals. I wish you the best with yours!

ivyjbres · July 2010

I'm not sure how to say this without it sounding horrible, but here goes:

It doesn't sound like he was ever really in love with you. It sounds like he "knew" he should be, but for whatever reason he wasn't. If he only hugged you 10 times in 8 years, even when you were down to 150; then it sounds like there was a major lack in chemistry. It seems like he knew the person you are is a great person and someone he should want to be with, but that he just couldn't get past the lack of attraction.

sbilyeu75 · July 2010

I would say he doesn't love you. It sounds to me he had Florence Nightingale sydrome and was trying to "save" you. Every relationship has deal breakers, for him it was your weight. It sounds like he was honest with you about that, and you just didn't want to admit it to yourself. I really do believe that you must love yourself before anyone else can love you. So, learn to love yourself.

On a side note, none of my family or friends worked out. I just eventually starting meeting people at the gym that have the same goals. Now, since I'm having success, my parents and husband workout with me and my sister is getting interested in it.

As my husband says "You can't have fat friends and lose weight. They'll sabotage you every chance they get." It sounds mean, but when I think about it does ring true. My fat friends or family members always try to sabotage me, unwittingly i'm sure.

EboniA · July 2010

You wanted my honest opinion so here it is. It has nothing to do with your weight! He fell in love with you when you were heavy so it just doesn't make sense that is why he broke up with you. My guess is there is someone else and this was the easiest way for him to get out of the relationship without making himself out to be the bad guy. Please do not get hung up about this guy. Move on to greener pastures because there are guys out there that will love you for you no matter what you weigh. Don't be surprised when you hear he is in another relationship already. If you want to lose weight please do so but for yourself and no one else. Otherwise you won't succeed in losing or will gain it all back. I have been there and done that and now am losing for the right reasons. Good luck.

WrenLynn: If you didn't say this, I was going to.
Bellissima: I had a bf who made it clear in the beginning that if I gained weight, he would leave me. I didn't really believe that until I did and he did. Really, after 4 years? I thought he loved me. We stayed friends so I know that eventually he wanted me back (still at the same size) but there was no way I would ever go back. In the end, the reason doesn't really matter. It's about respect. His lack of respect for you and your new found respect for yourself! You seem like an awesome person. :flowerforyou:

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Response to ivyjbres:

You make a good point. He did claim that he loved me for the person that I was, but I find it VERY hard to believe that when you're breaking up with me because of my weight.
You know, we'd all be liars if we said we DID NOT want an attractive person at our side, but I believe when that's the ONLY thing someone looks for in a partner, it becomes shallow. Thanks very much for your response!

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Response to sbilyeu75:

You are very perceptive, I appreciate your feedback.
Yes, he was honest with me about the weight being an issue, and yes, it was VERY difficult for me to accept, mainly because I would NEVER reject him for such a thing. I had made it a point to say that if HE gained weight, I would never love him any less. And this is the honest truth. I couldn't for the life of me understand why a person would love someone else LESS because of weight. It seemed so superficial to me!! This is where I'm getting hung up and stuck. I'm having a hard time moving past that one.

But yes, your husband also brings about a great point. Having "fat" friends/family will COMPLETELY sabotage you and derail you from your goals. You know what? I did begin gaining weight as soon as I moved back into my old environment. Granted, I had to due to financial reasons. Right now, it's mind over matter and to refocus, even though I'm in the same old environment.

Good luck to you, and thanks again for your post!

Caralyn · July 2010

I've read all the replies above and I agree 100% with everything that everyone has said. You would be very foolish to EVER go back to this selfish, self-centered person because he clearly is interested ONLY in his own welfare.

Caralyn

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Response to EboniA:

Thanks to you for your response and for sharing your similar story.
True that it IS about respect. I really need to get back to me. And as much as it hurts to think about it, I don't even want to know if there is someone else. It will distract me from what I need to do. I think distance is the best thing for me right now.
You stayed with your ex-boyfriend for 4 years even after he told you that he would leave if you gained weight. I know how that feels. It's disbelief mixed with confusion. I hope since then you have found what makes YOU happy. And if you have found a new relationship that follows suit, I wish you the best

)

Thanks again for your reply!

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Response to Caralyn:

Thanks for reading my post and replying. It's refreshing to get responses like yours, because it helps me to check my view on things. His intentions appeared selfish, but sometimes you're to close to the situation to have an accurate view. Good luck to you toward your goal, glad to see you on the site

)

pinbotchick · July 2010

WOWSA!!! You are in a mess. I have been married 19 years. Met DH at 160 in high school, dropped to 135 in college, married at 160 and - topped the scales at 237... Through it all DH had loved me for me not my weight... I wont say he isn't happy that I'm back down to 182 and always commenting on my super "hotness" now. There are men out there that will love you for who you are not what you look like. And I love him for him not his weight. I lost my dad 4 years ago due to severe heart problems. I get the "health" factor. Look at the big picture and look for someone that loves you for being you. Being thin and healthy is a bonus....

godblessourhome · July 2010

how hurtful and disheartening. i don't want to comment on the situation other than to say i am so sorry for your loss (loss of a 'friend', loss of a dream, loss of a 'marriage-like' companionship). i hope you find the unconditional love you deserve (with someone else)! *internet hugs*
dawn

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Response to pinbotchick:

I really like to hear about people like you and your husband, because it renews my faith in human beings on the whole, and proves that true love still exists.
Thanks for understanding the health factor aspect. I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your father.
I'm trying to collaborate everyone's opinons, life stories, commentary, and experiences, along with my own, into a big picture to fully understand my situation better. I appreciate your response.
You've made great progress on your weight loss. Excellent, keep going and good luck!

)

Bellissima_Smile · July 2010

Response to Dawn/godblessourhome:

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Yes, it feels like a huge loss. I feel more like I'm going through a divorce. It's a process. Good luck to you!

justahorsen · July 2010

I would say that after 8 years you ARE going through the divorce process....I broke up with my ex after 7 years of living together....he just up and left one day....I was depressed, I wanted him back (why I don't know, looking back)..... I put a time limit on it (6 months) then I got a new life and refused to allow him to be in it......the day he came to my house and I refused to let him in, I want to tell you was hard, and he was SHOCKED that I took such a stance....... good for you to tell him NOW that he can't call or text you....he is NOT your friend......
I swore I was DONE with men and I was never going to get involved again...EVER ....
Well now I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 26 years and I am happy ....he has literally been there for me through thick and thin......good men are out there, but don't go looking for them, they will find you.......

tcac · July 2010

Here is my thoughts, I have been married for 33 years to a man I love and who loves me back.
If a person could break up with you over weight, that person is not the one you are looking for as a lifetime partner. Marriage is hard work. You do not stay the same people you are at the beginning. You age, sickness comes and goes, weight changes up and down. If what you want is external you will never stay together. A person who will drop you for weight, what would that person do if you got cancer and lost your breasts--justify leaving because HE wants 2 breasts. You may not realize it now, but he did you a favor, now do not go back with him. He is letting you know his true inner character, and it is not good. Eight years is a long time and you will need time to move on, but you will. The day will come when you will thank him for doing this. My daughter has dated guys who loved themselves way more than they cared for her. Now, though, she will be married in 2 weeks to a guy who truly loves her and treats her great. I will tell you what I told both my girls. Look for kindness in a man it never gets old or goes out of style. When other characteristics fade kindness lasts a lifetime. My husband is kind to everyone, not just me and our girls. I cannot begin to tell you how many friends over the years have said that they wish their husbands were half as kind as Steve. Oh well, sorry to write a novel, I just hate when someone is treated badl by someone who professes to love them.

godblessourhome · July 2010

Response to Dawn/godblessourhome:

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Yes, it feels like a huge loss. I feel more like I'm going through a divorce. It's a process. Good luck to you!

you'v had a lot happen to you recently with a job loss, move and now the break-up. take care of yourself!

jbuffan218 · July 2010

Here is my thoughts, I have been married for 33 years to a man I love and who loves me back.
If a person could break up with you over weight, that person is not the one you are looking for as a lifetime partner. Marriage is hard work. You do not stay the same people you are at the beginning. You age, sickness comes and goes, weight changes up and down. If what you want is external you will never stay together. A person who will drop you for weight, what would that person do if you got cancer and lost your breasts--justify leaving because HE wants 2 breasts. You may not realize it now, but he did you a favor, now do not go back with him. He is letting you know his true inner character, and it is not good. Eight years is a long time and you will need time to move on, but you will. The day will come when you will thank him for doing this. My daughter has dated guys who loved themselves way more than they cared for her. Now, though, she will be married in 2 weeks to a guy who truly loves her and treats her great. I will tell you what I told both my girls. Look for kindness in a man it never gets old or goes out of style. When other characteristics fade kindness lasts a lifetime. My husband is kind to everyone, not just me and our girls. I cannot begin to tell you how many friends over the years have said that they wish their husbands were half as kind as Steve. Oh well, sorry to write a novel, I just hate when someone is treated badl by someone who professes to love them.

This is exactly what I was thinking but couldn't put into words.
In time you will realize that he truly did you a favor.
How is it that we allow ourselves to be hurt the worst by those who profess to love us the most?
You honestly deserve better than this.
(Hugs)

TammyK777 · July 2010

*bump* for later... at work right now only started to read and am about to cry. I had a similar experience with an ex that I'll explain later.

iplayoutside19 · July 2010

As a Man, Your Ex Boyfreind's behavior toward you certainly was not one of love, especially unconditional love.

10 Hugs in 8 years? Give me a break. If I don't hug my wife at LEAST once a day I get kind of crabby.

Try and forget about this guy. There are plenty of Men out there who will love you unconditionally regardless of your gym patronage. My wife and I have lost 100 lbs together without setting foot in a gym.

However, I will agree that you need to be honestly happy with yourself for your next relationship to have it's highst chance of success.

lisawest · July 2010

As a Man, Your Ex Boyfreind's behavior toward you certainly was not one of love, especially unconditional love.

10 Hugs in 8 years? Give me a break. If I don't hug my wife at LEAST once a day I get kind of crabby.

Try and forget about this guy. There are plenty of Men out there who will love you unconditionally regardless of your gym patronage. My wife and I have lost 100 lbs together without setting foot in a gym.

However, I will agree that you need to be honestly happy with yourself for your next relationship to have it's highst chance of success.

Awww, I gotta love this guy! (Or at least I'd better since we're married!:laugh: )

I totally agree with everything else everyone has said. I will add that DH met me at around 175, while I was a HS cheerleader, lifeguard, etc etc etc. Ten years later I was unhappy in my job, 205lbs, and tired from having 2 kids. Yet he stuck with me. I am one of the luckiest women on earth!

One day, you will be too. Focus on getting happy. Once you are happy with who you are, everything else will fall into place. If happy is 150lbs, then go for it!

P.S. He DOES have a brother, if you don't mind a younger guy!

TammyK777 · July 2010

A little background: in school I didn't date, I was always the 'sister'. I've dealt with body image all my life. Some time in freshman yr I found out this guy liked me (a very hot looking, popular guy). after yrs of flirting and stuff, we finally dated, on and off. We got serious and he told me God had told him that I was 'the one', but this guy said that his problem with that was that I was fat. We used to go for walks and one day a fit/thin girl ran past us and he asked me when I would look like that. We stayed together for many more months (keep in mind that I was in love with the idea that he loved me, blind to fact that he really didn't), the weight didn't stop him from wanting to have sex though. The last nights we were together he told me everything he thought was wrong with me... fat, lacking self-confidence, if I didn't change I wouldn't amount to anything and a bunch of other crap that I honestly can't remember anymore (thank God!). He broke up with me and it wasn't until very recently that I finally got over him fully (thought I had many times, but there was always another layer of pain hidden). This whole process started in 1994, we broke up in 1999, it took me 11 years to heal.

So, as a victorious woman (of God and only by His grace!) I tell you to LET HIM GO NOW!! Take care of yourself, for your self! I fully rely on my Savior, without Him I probably would have given up sooo long ago. I don't mean to be preachy, but I fully believe that the Creator is the only One who can show His created how much they are worth.

I'm losing weight now for my health, to be able to help others and I just want to feel better. If I find a husband now or later, he will have to love me for me, not what I look like.

If you want to talk more, feel free to add me as a friend and/or send me a message.

You are loved, just as you are. I pray God shows you that and you can accept it.

sandara · July 2010

And maybe one of the reasons you've had such a hard time losing weight is that deep down you were testing him to see if he really loved you just for you. I think you really knew his love wasn't real. Now you are free to become whatever or whomever you want to be just for yourself. Then you can meet someone that will truly see the real you.

valeriebpdx · July 2010

Dear girl, I am so sorry this happened to you. I will not castigate your boyfriend--I have a husband who wishes I were thinner, and occasionally cannot keep these wishes to himself--but the fact that he could actually leave you over this issue does give you some important information. Even if this is just a drama play to see if he can shock you into losing weight, why would you want to spend your life with someone who would do that?? I think you are so smart to ask him to leave you alone and spend some time on yourself. I only know a few women who feel like they got a good deal on their husbands ALL the time--all people have flaws--but you do have to realize you only get one (at a time, anyway

): you are choosing one man out of all the men in the world to love and support you and be your friend. I gotta think you could do better next time. Even if there are some weirdos out there.

Best wishes to you on your healthy journey. I hope great things are just around the corner for you. You're indeed bellissima.

What's your perspective? Opinions wanted!

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