Re: Sorry a long one.
Scorcherpants
Posts: 32
Why can't I break the cycle?
I have gone full circle yet again! I become determined, go to the gym 3 times in a week and the following week I don't sleep well, get pain in my knees and back or something comes up and I don't get in the gym, Why? I have no idea. It would be easy to say just go to the gym once a week for a while but that doesn't really come in to it as I can go in 3 times a week and find something it is possible for me to do without pain like go swimming. It seems to be my mood that is the problem but I don't know how to change it.
I take antidepressants but I still struggle big time, at times things happen, often related to my mother and I just can't cope. I get really bad mood swings with pmt and sometimes I feel suicidal, I can't always see things will get better. I have been to the GP and asked for help but keep being told, "It's just a blip, it will get better" At those times I just lose it and give in. I eat chocolate, sweets and cakes, I have a terrible sweet tooth. I don't want a gastric band or bypass because I know I can do this on my own. I have lost 5st / 70lbs before so I know I can do it. I just need to lose around 14 pounds to give me the kick I need but I only manage 3-10lbs before I give in again.
Last week I was really excited because I was going to see Michael Ball in concert. It sounds crazy but I've had a crush on him since I was 18, I'm now 40. 2 years ago I managed to get 3 days work experience on a production he was in. I was so excited and he was so lovely. He invited me to his dressing room for a photo, he was lovely. I went with a crush and came home in love! I have a fantastic photo of us.
On Tuesday I went to the concert and took a red rose buttonhole I made for him. I asked security if they would allow me to get close to the stage to give it to him. They said yes as long as it's at the end. I got right in front of his microphone stand. Wow, I was excited! I reached up and held out the rose, he took it from me, said aawww held it to his face before putting it down by his water. I was so happy. When he came back I held my hand out to him and he took it for a few seconds, oh my heart was racing! After the concert I was so happy, screaming in the car on the way home, I was like an excited child, (pathetic I know but I don't care) I was on a high for 2 days and felt like nothing could bring me down!
On Thursday I went to see him again at another destination, I took a white rose this time but when I spoke to security to ask permission, they said no and that they would do everything to prevent me getting close to the stage. I desperately wanted to get the rose to him just so he knew I was there I guess. I know it's silly but it was important to me. The security put an extra guy close to where I was sat and I knew I had no chance. During the interval there was someone stood in front of the stage selling ice cream. They were just in front of his microphone so I walked to the end of the queue and when security weren't looking I slipped past the queue and placed the rose at the foot of the microphone stand. I was pleased but worried it would be removed before he came back on stage. It didn't though, he came back on stage and spotted it almost straight away, I knew because he did a double take while singing lol. After the second song he picked it up, sniffed it, kissed it and put it down near his drink. I was really pleased but no where near as happy as when he took it from me. It made such a difference because I was disappointed all the way home. I wasn't on a high, something so small had had such an effect on my mood, it was daft really but I couldn't help how I felt.
On Sat my mother rang, she told me she planned to visit on Monday, there are a lot of issues there at the moment. She later rang back and said she was coming Sun and staying until Tues, It was the last thing I wanted and I just couldn't cope with it. I managed to put her off but I think she has taken offence and is no longer talking to me right now. Wednesday and Thursday I was on a massive high, Saturday I wanted to slit my wrists. Yesterday I had my healthy meals but they I ate half a box of malteesers, 1 and a half large cookies, half a glazed ring donut, a danish cinnamon twirl, some bread and butter pudding I had made and half a chinese takeaway starter. I ate far too much and mainly sweet things. I have to stop this but I don't know how. I need to get my head right, once my head is right I'll be fine but I don't know how to change my thinking. :-(
I have gone full circle yet again! I become determined, go to the gym 3 times in a week and the following week I don't sleep well, get pain in my knees and back or something comes up and I don't get in the gym, Why? I have no idea. It would be easy to say just go to the gym once a week for a while but that doesn't really come in to it as I can go in 3 times a week and find something it is possible for me to do without pain like go swimming. It seems to be my mood that is the problem but I don't know how to change it.
I take antidepressants but I still struggle big time, at times things happen, often related to my mother and I just can't cope. I get really bad mood swings with pmt and sometimes I feel suicidal, I can't always see things will get better. I have been to the GP and asked for help but keep being told, "It's just a blip, it will get better" At those times I just lose it and give in. I eat chocolate, sweets and cakes, I have a terrible sweet tooth. I don't want a gastric band or bypass because I know I can do this on my own. I have lost 5st / 70lbs before so I know I can do it. I just need to lose around 14 pounds to give me the kick I need but I only manage 3-10lbs before I give in again.
Last week I was really excited because I was going to see Michael Ball in concert. It sounds crazy but I've had a crush on him since I was 18, I'm now 40. 2 years ago I managed to get 3 days work experience on a production he was in. I was so excited and he was so lovely. He invited me to his dressing room for a photo, he was lovely. I went with a crush and came home in love! I have a fantastic photo of us.
On Tuesday I went to the concert and took a red rose buttonhole I made for him. I asked security if they would allow me to get close to the stage to give it to him. They said yes as long as it's at the end. I got right in front of his microphone stand. Wow, I was excited! I reached up and held out the rose, he took it from me, said aawww held it to his face before putting it down by his water. I was so happy. When he came back I held my hand out to him and he took it for a few seconds, oh my heart was racing! After the concert I was so happy, screaming in the car on the way home, I was like an excited child, (pathetic I know but I don't care) I was on a high for 2 days and felt like nothing could bring me down!
On Thursday I went to see him again at another destination, I took a white rose this time but when I spoke to security to ask permission, they said no and that they would do everything to prevent me getting close to the stage. I desperately wanted to get the rose to him just so he knew I was there I guess. I know it's silly but it was important to me. The security put an extra guy close to where I was sat and I knew I had no chance. During the interval there was someone stood in front of the stage selling ice cream. They were just in front of his microphone so I walked to the end of the queue and when security weren't looking I slipped past the queue and placed the rose at the foot of the microphone stand. I was pleased but worried it would be removed before he came back on stage. It didn't though, he came back on stage and spotted it almost straight away, I knew because he did a double take while singing lol. After the second song he picked it up, sniffed it, kissed it and put it down near his drink. I was really pleased but no where near as happy as when he took it from me. It made such a difference because I was disappointed all the way home. I wasn't on a high, something so small had had such an effect on my mood, it was daft really but I couldn't help how I felt.
On Sat my mother rang, she told me she planned to visit on Monday, there are a lot of issues there at the moment. She later rang back and said she was coming Sun and staying until Tues, It was the last thing I wanted and I just couldn't cope with it. I managed to put her off but I think she has taken offence and is no longer talking to me right now. Wednesday and Thursday I was on a massive high, Saturday I wanted to slit my wrists. Yesterday I had my healthy meals but they I ate half a box of malteesers, 1 and a half large cookies, half a glazed ring donut, a danish cinnamon twirl, some bread and butter pudding I had made and half a chinese takeaway starter. I ate far too much and mainly sweet things. I have to stop this but I don't know how. I need to get my head right, once my head is right I'll be fine but I don't know how to change my thinking. :-(
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Replies
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It sounds to me like you need a second opinion and that maybe your meds aren't working for you and need re-assessing. These incredible highs and then crippling lows will just see you going round and round in circles.
Go back to your GP and maybe ask for a Psych referral - you can't go on like this and every time you get the big buzz it just makes the low feel lower.
I think it would also help to simplify your life by thinking 'Right, for the next month I'm focusing on this and nothing else'. Don't go for the big deficit and big burns - you'll just burn out. Slow and steady wins the race.0 -
M'love .... you definitely need to go back to see your GP. As it really does seem you are on a constant rollercoaster of emotions and you don't deserve that.
You also seem to binge eat, almost to punish yourself ... that's how it reads anyhow. There's not much I can say about that as I'm sure you've heard it all before, but maybe try substituting the food for something else ... maybe a hot bubble bath, maybe a boogie around the living room to some Michael Ball tunes or maybe just come on to the forum and vent it out.
As someone with a lot of injuries (back, hips, knees & neck) and sleep problems I'll share with you my experience.
1. Good support is essential ... knee support, back support etc.
2. Warm up & cool downs are paramount ... you're just asking for injury otherwise
3. Start slow. 1 year ago I was on level 4 or 5 for 15-20 minutes on x-trainer. A year later I'm up to levels 8-12 for 90 minutes and have just started spinning
4. Find exercise that works for your injuries ... I have bad knees too so can't do impact, it has to be fluid motion. I'm also too self-conscious to go swimming (& find it boring) so an elliptical/x-trainer, cycling are ok
5. If you can't do leg work, do upper body
6. Set a routine to go to the gym. It doesn't matter what you do while you're there, just get into the discipline/habit of going
7. Reward yourself. Most people have cheat days/nights, or set themselves mini-goals. Try it to see if it works for you
8. Be patient. 1 month after I joined the gym I dislocated my 'good' knee and was initially out of action and then had to take it even easier.
Lastly ... sleep is essential. I have quite dangerously compressed nerves in my neck and it triggered trapped nerves in my shoulders that was excruciating. After seeing a physio who really couldn't do anything for my neck, I told my GP that I lose a lot of sleep with the pain of that, my back and sometimes my knees. Most nights I'd sleep 4 hours on average
I was given some very lightweight sleeping tablets and slept a solid 7 hours without waking once. Within 2 weeks my neck and shoulder pain had almost totally gone.
Lack of sleep will not only cause major emotion swings (if you're not having enough issues with that already!) but also won't allow your body to relax and heal. Definitely address that and raise it with your GP. Ask fora double appointment and DO NOT LEAVE THE SURGERY until he/she has come up with an initial plan to work with you.
(p.s. I first read your post and hand-on-heart I thought 'nutter' about Michael Ball, but then realised I'm just as obsessive over Channing Tatum. Takes one to know one I guess ;-) xxxx)
(p.p.s I've also been on citalopram for several years for anxiety attacks as well as the rest of my prescription. Add me if you want, I'll happily provide an ear and some friendly support)0 -
I think you're right although to be honest I don't usually binge eat, I haven't done for many years. However, for some reason I've done it twice and as many weeks. I just need to get on top of it now. The mood swings are pretty bad but my GP is no help, I have tried to talk to her. I have spoke to another GP at the surgery too but I still can't get any help. What I really need, in my opinion is to stop making the gym my only focus but somehow to find happiness in other things for it to all come together.0
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Personally, I think you really need to speak to a therapist. Your high/low moods are concerning, but the obsessive behaviour (and I'm trying to say this without sounding like a total cowbag) is a big inappropriate and should be addressed. If something so small can really ruin your day, its a worry that needs sorting. Its like youre pinning all your hopes on energy and one event and when it doesnt go the way you have it planned in your head youre ruined.
I think speaking to someone to address these feelings, as well as the bingeing and moods.
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i agree with the other posters about finding a different medical/mental health professional that is more supportive. we all deserve that and it sounds like you aren't being heard by your doctor or getting the results you want.0
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I was in the same up and down mood swings years ago until I got on the correct meds. It took about 8 months to find the right meds and it is worth it. Now I feel calmer and my thoughts don't start spinning out of control in fast motion. Oh, I still have mood swings but that is what normal people have - not so high and too low.
Now onto food and love. I too use food to "fill the void" of being a loner. I am married and have a wonderful husband but... I cannot expect him to fill every minute with praise etc. I don't work out of house and when he comes home, I am chatty and probably annoying!!!! Anyway, I have been getting better at now binging and staying on plan. I read these motivational blogs to inspire myself.
Start to praise your self and learn one important word "NO"!! You are allowed to set parameters even with your mother. You are an adult. Just let her know that Mon and Tues would be better. Not reason and stick to it.0 -
I have suffered in the passed from depression. I am now one of the most optimistic and happy people you will ever meet. ths is because I didn't rely on meds to fix me. you may need some different meds for the time being as they obviously aren't working, and meds should be there to help you WHILST the issues are being resolved.
Have you thought about therapy? Might be worth getting someone independant to talk to, sieve through all the things that you really DON'T want to talk about. It might hurt and upset you whilst you are there, but the weight tht gets lifted once you have your head in order is something special.
If you need to talk, pm me x0 -
I think you definitely need to go back to see the GP. I am also on anti depressants and I've had to change prescriptions because it was like my body got used to them and stopped working. I think you need something stronger. You may also need an anti-anxiety pill to help when you get stressed out. Do not be afraid to talk to the GP. That's what they are there for.
As for your mom...it sounds like you guys have a lot of issues. And those issues may be holding you back. We've all had problems with our moms, but when you feel like you just don't want to go on because of her, there is something wrong. Maybe you should see if you can get an appointment with a psychologist or a counselor. If you can't afford one or do not have insurance, there are places that offer services based on income. Maybe after seeing them for a while, your mom may be willing to go see them as well to help mend your relationship. But if not, that's ok too. This is about making you better.
Good luck. And remember...you are worth it! Never give up and do not let ANYONE put you down :flowerforyou:0 -
What a shame - OP has deactivated her account. I hope she finds the help she needs.0
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What a shame - OP has deactivated her account. I hope she finds the help she needs.
That is, indeed, a shame. I hope the OP can take something from his thread anyway.
In the hope you are still lurking OP - The general consensus of this small thread is - go and find a medical professional who actually gives a *kitten*.
General practitioners are just that - general. Their training in mental health is woefully low - I do believe (obviously this is my own opinion) that your issues project further than depression and you need a proper assessment with someone trained in this field.
Show them this thread! Good luck. You may have gone for now but, I for one am rooting for you, as are all those above who took the time to reply 0
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