I'm doing really well, but this is totally getting me down

MissSusieQ · May 2013

Hello All,

I have an issue that might sound dumb, but it's really getting me down.

Last year a good friend of mine was telling me how she'd had a health coach recommended to her, and had had a wellness assessment, and was seeing this lady in the hope of losing some weight. As someone who also needed to lose a bit of weight, i listened with interest, and ended up going to see the same lady to lose a bit of weight of my own.

I was determined to dump the fat, and stuck with it as hard as i could, and quickly lost a few kilos, which motivated me to keep going, which led to me dropping a few kilos, which.. well, you get the point. My friend also had some success, but then had some family dramas and a holiday, which led to her putting some weight back on, which left her discouraged and really negative about herself.

I started to feel a bit bad about how well i was doing. I honestly think i lose weight easier than she does, but i also don't have a family's tastes to cater for at mealtimes, and there are no cheeky kids snacks hiding in my pantry to tempt me.

Unfortunately, after performing a minor miracle as losing weight over the christmas/new year period, i relaxed a little too much and put a few kilos back on. And i hated it. I was 10kg lighter than my starting weight, but i felt so fat and disgusting and i just felt terrible about myself, and my friend was still stuck in her same lose-a-bit, gain-a-bit rut, so when our health coach emailed us to say she was running a weight loss challenge, we both signed up.

Now the same thing's happening again. we both dug in hard for the first few weeks, but then my friend had a few social occasions and had a week of not losing much, followed by a few more, and the last couple of weeks she's gained weight. I just don't know what to say to her. I've had a few social occasions too, at which i've eaten things i shouldn't, but somehow (honestly, i have no idea how) i've continued to lose. So i don't feel like i have any wise words to give her, other than the usual 'everyone had a bad meal, but not everyone lets it become a bad day/week/month...

what really breaks my heart is i've now lost enough weight for it to be quite noticeable, and i look good, and now she looks at me and says how great i look and how she could have lost as much as me if she wasn't so weak. she talks all the time about being weak, and how she sucks and is just so negative about herself. I keep telling her she needs to stop saying she's weak, because i think she says it so much she's giving herself permission to BE weak, when she needs to be telling herself she's strong and she can do this, and she CAN resist the junk food that her husband brings home. I think she's strong, and awesome, and i totally believe in her, but she doesn't believe in herself.

I was really hoping we could finish up this challenge both feeling better about ourselves. we had a horrible time taking our disgusting before photos, and i was looking forward to doing our triumphant after shots, but i'm afraid if she doesn't turn her mindset around she's just going to look at her photo and see another failure.

I don't know what anyone can say to me to make this better, i just wanted to tell someone.

lambchoplewis · May 2013

Thanks for venting as you need to do this every now and then. You have to realize you are on a plan for LIFE!! Not just a one time bet with a friend. You both need to realize you will slip up but must get right back on track. Weigh yourself, post food and exercise daily and make sure NOT to get depressed. I have been maintaining for 10 months and slip up about once a month. Yes, I get pissed off and feel guilty but... this is a lifelong thing. Eat right, exercise and I feel better.

You can do this!!!

SkimFlatWhite68 · May 2013

I could have written the above. I have a friend in exactly the same spot. We don't work out together, but were the same weight at Christmas and now I am 15kg lighter, while she is heavier.

All I do with my friend is continue to encourage her and tell her that she can do it, she doesn't have to run a marathon or starve herself, but just to do little steps that will improve her health.

People have to come to grips with things in their own time. Some never do. Although we may start with some external motivators, when the going gets tough, motivation has to come from within. Just be there to support your friend when needed, but don't forget to celebrate your success.

learnerdriver · May 2013

I feel for you both.

The only thing i can think of is final year exams- assuming you made it into the course you wanted, and she didn't, what would you do? What is her bigger picture- is it being able to chase her kids without getting puffed out?

MissSusieQ · May 2013

thanks for your wise words.

we have a weigh in tomorrow, which she's already resigned herself to having put on weight, but she's planning out her next week and trying to do better. hopefully this week will be better, she gets so discouraged if she doesn't do as well as she wanted to, but i just keep telling her she's still lapping everybody on the couch

TedStout · May 2013

Ultimately, losing weight and pursuing goals is a choice that every individual has to make. As we all know, its hard work...very hard. She will either buck up and lose the weight or not. All you can do is what you are doing...encourage her. Help her with tricks that have worked for you. Keep being there as a friend. Thats it.

TavistockToad · May 2013

its great that you want so much to help your friend and for her to succeed, but unfortunately, she has to put the work in, and at the end of the day the reason she isnt losing weight is because she isnt putting the work in, while you are!

i had a similar situation, lost weight with a friend, but while i have been maintainign for over a year now, she keeps going up and down while telling me how well i've done. when she asks for help/tips etc i offer my opinion, but i never mention her weight /diet unless she does any more.

dont feel bad for your success! hopefully it'll 'click' for her one day as well!

dsjohndrow · May 2013

I don't know how to make it feel better. The truth is that most people who lose weight will gain back 73% of it it within 3 years. The problem is dieting to lose weight and look good. The secret is to get fit for yourself and make lifestyle changes - or you can stay on the roller coaster and end up with congestive heart failure like I did.

This needs to be about your life, not about your looks.

Sorry, I am not a very soft place to fall. Just trying to put it in unemotional terms.

ACrowsDay · May 2013

I thought you were talking about me!? I'm the one that's lost motivation...its hard!! The advise on here really helps! Thanks!

albertine58 · May 2013

Plan fun workouts together and share recipes and meal ideas! Does she use MFP? Have her make her diary open and add a bunch of friends- you and others will congratulate her, and the positive feedback will likely help!

Another idea- give her a chance to feel like she's helping you. Call her one night and say "These snacks are screaming my name and I want to give in! Help me resist!" Giving her the chance to encourage you will help her encourage herself at moments like that- like she's giving you a pep talk, but she's also giving herself one!

She probably resents you a little because to her, it seems like it was "easy" for you. Let her know specific ways that it's hard for you too. And compliment her! Say her arms look skinnier or her calves look strong- focus on non-scale victories too, like if you're working out together and she can do more push-ups now or something.

Inshape13 · May 2013

She has to KNOW that she is strong enough to do it and until she is in the right mindset there is little you can say to convince her otherwise. I went through this when I began by getting down on myself because it made me realize how bad I really had let things get....no one would like to see the truth about their situation if it hurts because that is admitting their choices are what brought about that truth.

You should be proud of what you are accomplishing and if she is not on board with the fitness then find someone who is or do it just for you because you deserve good health and allowing someone else to alter your decision will only hurt you in the long run. No offense, but if she is not happy with who she is then you not being successful is not going to change that....she will have to change that in herself. Just encourage her and let her know that you are there for her. That is all that you can do and she must decide to do the rest for herself.

Best wishes to you and congrats on the weight loss.

1223345 · May 2013

I can relate. To the negative mentality that is. My sister is like that. If there is a challenge in her life she really just goes on about how bad it is and will always be etc.... Have you had a real heart-to-heart with her? It may sound corny, but maybe do little things to help put her in a more positive mindset. Leave a card or note with some thing empowering written inside. Give her encouraging thoughts when she talks about how weak she is. Tell her to say "I CAN" instead of "I can't" and when faced with tempting food "I don't eat that" instead of "I can't eat that". You may just need to be her light in the dark until she is able to see what power she has hidden under her weakness.
"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle."
James Keller

StonesUnturned · May 2013

I like the "still lapping everybody on the couch" point of view because it focuses more on the process than the goal. Goals are good, but if your and your friend's capacity to achieve that goal are different and she gets frustrated when she falls short, then it seems like the better approach is going to be to focus on getting out there every day (or as many days as she can) and exercising or eating better or whatever and thinking about how that makes her feel, rather than on a weigh-in or something.
Anyway, I definitely don't think it's a minor problem and, if it helps, I think you're doing everything right. You can only control your own progress really and be as supportive as you can of your friend, but if this can't be a priority for her right now then you are going to have different results and there's nothing you can do about that.

caterpillardreams · May 2013

Well for one you should not feel bad for your success unless you did something bad to some one else and cause them harm,
We are all different and if you worked hard for your weight loss enjoy.
I know people who are very down on themselves.
I have lost over 60 lbs and some one would say yeah I wish I was there but I have to lose almost 100, And I understand its hard, but You can not say it was easier for me, it was extremely hard, I Just worked my butt off. And maybe your friend did not work as hard as you.
OR she may have some thing else going on, has she seen the doctor.
I hope to learn to accept your success ad not let anyone else make you feel bad for the hard work you did,

ms_leanne · May 2013

Hey Suz,

I think you need to remember that you are doing this for yourself. You would never have lost weight and been even loss on every weigh in. Every body is different and you don't know what she is doing/not doing/eating behind closed doors.

As others have said, you can encourage her but sometimes it isn't enough. I think it can be a little dangerous doing these things together especially if either of you encourages the other to blow out.

Keep doing this for you and don't let her drag you down.

AprilOneFourFour · May 2013

It's hard to motivate somebody. Face it that she's not in the same mode as you. And it sounds like her husband doesn't help - it is so much easier when you only have your own meals to deal with.

You could tell her that you have strategies in place to deal with your weak moments and if she would like, you can go through hers and work out specific strategies for her...or maybe the trainer if she'd prefer. Like having something prepared to eat when hubby comes home with the junk. She can eat WITH him, but not the bad stuff.

Clearly you're very sweet and wouldn't go near making her feel bad about your achievements, but nor should you belittle them.

WhiteGirlWasted13 · May 2013

Haven't we all, at some time or another, been that fat friend to someone else? I know I sure have. But, my time has come, just as your time, OP, has come. Your friend's time will come, too. Maybe just not yet. And when her time does come, you will be there, cheering her on, just as our "did it before us" friends are cheering us right now.

Don't lose heart. It's clear you care deeply about your friend. But, you've got to put some mental/emotional distance between your journey and hers. Her health is her own responsibility, just as your health is yours. Good for you for taking it seriously and working to improve it. Stop letting your failing friend live rent free in your head!

stephaniemejia1671 · May 2013

It sounds like you are doing what you can, and pretty much that's all you CAN do. Do you, hopefully you will inspire her to stop being so negative and use that energy to succeed.

I'm doing really well, but this is totally getting me down

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