Dear Lisa, I'm sorry I asked you how much weight you lost
hookilau
Posts: 3,134 Member
I had a very very fat friend once. Her name was Lisa & we were close for a time. She was much larger than I, circumference-wise but we were both quite petite. We both carried extra weight around our tummies, her more than I. She had large boobies & her tummy protruded much further than them. I on the other hand, was well on my way to meeting her.
We both used to go to the gym together, we did weight training and classes 4-5 times a week. Though we never really watched what we ate, we both had difficulty losing *any* weight at all during that year long+ time we were gym partners.
At one point, she looked to be cutting a smoother silhouette, so I asked her, very innocently, how much weight she lost, because clearly she must've lost SOME!...I guess I was looking for some indication that what we were doing was working because I hadn't dropped a thing. This was before I'd heard about the concept of losing inches, but not weight, but whatever.
She got pretty miffed at me & upon question our other mutual friends, the general consensus was NEVER ask Lisa about that because she gets very perturbed. We felt she was just peculiar and decided we'd stay away from topics like that with her.
People can be queer ducks. That was about 5 years ago, we've lost touch since then, but I thought of her this Mother's day and it struck me why she might've been sensitive and not necessarily 'peculiar' about such a question.
This past mother's day, I saw my MIL, she exclaimed how wonderful I looked with a warm hug (I totally lurv this lady)....then, when I was out of earshot, (he told me later) she hugged my DH and said, 'omg!...you lost weight tooo!'
I was recently diagnosed with metabolic dz and had cut carbs at the behest of my doctor. I carried a great deal of weight around my tummy and I have a very small frame, only 5 feet tall of mixed Asian descent, so a wee bit of weight loss shows up quickly, the reciprocal is also true for me.
My mom: same thing, she joyously declared I look like I did when I was in my 20's, she *did* know I was dropping weight and most of it came off my tummy & hips.
All of this within a short period of time, about 3 wks and once my medical problem was discovered, just the steps taken to correct the imbalance made me drop a few pounds.
My dad on the other hand can be a bit of a jerk.
Whatever.
He hadn't seen me since my diagnosis and the conversation went like this;
out of the blue, he says....
dad: so, how much weight did you lose?
me: stammering, uh, well, about 10 pounds
dad: Oh. Well I think it kinda shows a little.
Jacka$$. I was as underwhelmed as he.
I don't think it had ever occurred to me before that it's rude to ask 'HOW MUCH' weight a person lost until he asked me. My mom & MIL made me feel good about the changes I've made for my health and acknowledged that I looked like I had a handle on things and their input was positive by noting the weight loss, but not commenting about how much.
My dad on the other hand, by asking how much weight, then judging the amount by intimating it was a mere pittance and that it 'might' be kinda showing a 'little' just made me feel crappy. The question felt invasive & his response just made me feel lousy.
To this, I say...Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like that. I wish I knew then what I know now. :ohwell:
We both used to go to the gym together, we did weight training and classes 4-5 times a week. Though we never really watched what we ate, we both had difficulty losing *any* weight at all during that year long+ time we were gym partners.
At one point, she looked to be cutting a smoother silhouette, so I asked her, very innocently, how much weight she lost, because clearly she must've lost SOME!...I guess I was looking for some indication that what we were doing was working because I hadn't dropped a thing. This was before I'd heard about the concept of losing inches, but not weight, but whatever.
She got pretty miffed at me & upon question our other mutual friends, the general consensus was NEVER ask Lisa about that because she gets very perturbed. We felt she was just peculiar and decided we'd stay away from topics like that with her.
People can be queer ducks. That was about 5 years ago, we've lost touch since then, but I thought of her this Mother's day and it struck me why she might've been sensitive and not necessarily 'peculiar' about such a question.
This past mother's day, I saw my MIL, she exclaimed how wonderful I looked with a warm hug (I totally lurv this lady)....then, when I was out of earshot, (he told me later) she hugged my DH and said, 'omg!...you lost weight tooo!'
I was recently diagnosed with metabolic dz and had cut carbs at the behest of my doctor. I carried a great deal of weight around my tummy and I have a very small frame, only 5 feet tall of mixed Asian descent, so a wee bit of weight loss shows up quickly, the reciprocal is also true for me.
My mom: same thing, she joyously declared I look like I did when I was in my 20's, she *did* know I was dropping weight and most of it came off my tummy & hips.
All of this within a short period of time, about 3 wks and once my medical problem was discovered, just the steps taken to correct the imbalance made me drop a few pounds.
My dad on the other hand can be a bit of a jerk.
Whatever.
He hadn't seen me since my diagnosis and the conversation went like this;
out of the blue, he says....
dad: so, how much weight did you lose?
me: stammering, uh, well, about 10 pounds
dad: Oh. Well I think it kinda shows a little.
Jacka$$. I was as underwhelmed as he.
I don't think it had ever occurred to me before that it's rude to ask 'HOW MUCH' weight a person lost until he asked me. My mom & MIL made me feel good about the changes I've made for my health and acknowledged that I looked like I had a handle on things and their input was positive by noting the weight loss, but not commenting about how much.
My dad on the other hand, by asking how much weight, then judging the amount by intimating it was a mere pittance and that it 'might' be kinda showing a 'little' just made me feel crappy. The question felt invasive & his response just made me feel lousy.
To this, I say...Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like that. I wish I knew then what I know now. :ohwell:
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Replies
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I never really thought about it either. Now, when people ask me, I get sort of bristly. I do feel like I'm being judged and maybe the number of pounds I've lost will somehow not be "good enough" for the asker.
It's a funny thing, isn't it? We wouldn't dream of asking an "expanding" friend how much weight they've gained. Ah well, I can't wait until my weight is no longer an issue worth commenting about.0 -
Ah well, I can't wait until my weight is no longer an issue worth commenting about.
Indeed! :drinker:
And you're exactly right.
I'm ashamed I thought she was being vain or whatever I thought of her attitude at the time.
And that was *exactly* how I would've described her response, 'bristly'. :ohwell:
Live & learn, lol :blushing:0 -
Us men always have a way with words. My guy friends ask me that a lot and notice 5 lbs. I have 1 blunt female friend that has no problem but other women don't mention a thing.0
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I have lost 50lbs to date. I don't mind at all bragging about it when asked. I already know I was fat. Why be ashamed. I would be ashamed had I conyinued to let myself go to seed. Each to their own.0
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This happened to me the other day!! A really good friend of mine ask me , So, how much weight have you lost? Her tone was not in a loving, I 'm so happy for you way and I said about 16lbs, she immediately started telling me how this girl at her office has lost 13lbs in 3 weeks, and she knows that I have been working on this for 3-4 months!!! It was so degrading. Then she sat there and went on and on about how the girl is taking the Diet Dr program, blah blah blah, I just wanted to scream at her, is this the same program you did and lost 30lbs and then gained 45 back when you went off the pills??? UUUGGGGGHHHHH. I know she is only saying this because she has not lost any weight and isn't really even trying, but, she is the kind of person who never wants you to be doing better than them. So then I feel depressed and wonder, jeez, what am I doing wrong? BUT, then I remind myself that, realistically, I am losing 1lb per week, so I am doing fine, not only that but I am gaining muscle mass and toning my body so I am going to look good!!0
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I have lost 50lbs to date. I don't mind at all bragging about it when asked. I already know I was fat. Why be ashamed. I would be ashamed had I conyinued to let myself go to seed. Each to their own.
And therein lies the rub :ohwell:
Lisa had NOT lost any weight, but inches & at the time, we didn't know that meant decrease of bodyfat = success. She thought she wasn't progressing.
My dad, minimized what I had lost by his comment before, and comment in response. Lose-lose if you will.
If I lost 50 pounds, I'd be proud too!!!! Congratulations on your success :drinker: i hope to join you sooon!!!!
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Maybe you could look Lisa up and tell her this.0
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I have lost 50lbs to date. I don't mind at all bragging about it when asked. I already know I was fat. Why be ashamed. I would be ashamed had I conyinued to let myself go to seed. Each to their own.
^^^ This....because I, too, know I am big and I cannot wait for people to start noticing and asking how much weight I've lost. It has been and still is very obvious to everyone around me that I'm big, so I won't be offended when it's obvious that I'm smaller...and smaller...and smaller...and smaller...until I'm thin! Looking forward to people commenting about my weight loss.
But that being said...not one of us are the same. So. To each their own :drinker:0 -
I think someone asking in interest or because they're impressed by your success isn't really that rude or insensitive. Had your dad gone "Well, it's starting to show! Great job!" you would have been happy and felt good. It wasn't asking about the weight that was rude. It was that he asked you about it and then minimized your efforts by saying maybe it was starting to show a little, making it sound like you hadn't lost enough for him to be impressed.0
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Almost all of us are all here because we are fat or have been fat in the past. If we were proud of that fact we wouldnt need this site. When people tell us that we look like we lost weight, we should be proud. Obviously the world around us doesnt care if we are fat. That is something that WE have to deal with.Our self esteem comes from within. Use that disappointment to make you more determined...........NOT less!0
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I never get offended when asked how much weight I have lost, actually I am proud. I am proud that someone has noticed and sometimes they ask because they to want to lose weight.0
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It's a lot safer to say "wow, you really look great!" And open the door for them to say thanks, I've been working out, cutting calories, etc. even if someone hasn't lost weight, everyone likes to hear a compliment once in a while.0
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It's a lot safer to say "wow, you really look great!" And open the door for them to say thanks, I've been working out, cutting calories, etc. even if someone hasn't lost weight, everyone likes to hear a compliment once in a while.
Yes!
I feel this way as well. Both my mom & MIL commented that I looked great and both left it at that.
My point was, not whether or not someone has the right to feel miffed, rather, that if they DO get miffed, why it could be.
It came as a surprise to me :drinker:0 -
I think someone asking in interest or because they're impressed by your success isn't really that rude or insensitive. Had your dad gone "Well, it's starting to show! Great job!" you would have been happy and felt good. It wasn't asking about the weight that was rude. It was that he asked you about it and then minimized your efforts by saying maybe it was starting to show a little, making it sound like you hadn't lost enough for him to be impressed.
Quite right. The odd thing that got me to thinking about Lisa & the strange exchange we had that day, was that when my dad started off with an innocent question, 'how much weight did you lose', I automatically felt like I didn't want to answer his question and I wondered why.
This struck me as really weird. Not wanting to answer him, but unable to get out of it, I felt unduly pressured.
Without the backstory, it seems like I'm just being overly sensitive....exactly what I thought of Lisa at the time, lol.0 -
I have noticed that the people that will want to share that information are most likely to broadcast it - constantly - so I don't ask. I don't comment at all actually - even if the person is fishing unless it is something I really like and they are asking for an honest opinion.0
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I have noticed that the people that will want to share that information are most likely to broadcast it - constantly - so I don't ask. I don't comment at all actually - even if the person is fishing unless it is something I really like and they are asking for an honest opinion.
:laugh: :laugh:
You're a smart cookie.
I hope to be as astute as you in the future! :drinker:0 -
Unfortunately, there are little old ladies who DO ask how much weight you have gained....right in the midst of a room of people......0
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I understand THAT some women are very sensitive about numbers, but I've never quite understood why. Same goes for age. It's just a number. No need to attach emotions to it.
And about your dad and the 10 pounds, if he's anything like my dad was, that's high praise. My dad was wonderful, but he was never good at giving a direct compliment. He'd say to me, "Well, your house doesn't look like the same dump it was when you bought it," then tell my sister, "Lorina's house looks amazing." :laugh:0 -
I don't mind, hell I have worked hard to drop 37 pounds!
Don't mind at all, until people say, "not that I think you were that big before", or "OMG how did you have that much to lose".....:grumble: well apparently they never noticed I do carry extra weight well (luckily and not!) Don't mind until the overweight friend who is doing nothing for her health says "oh my, you are not planning on losing more are you, you are gonna look sick"...well, to be honest, I know what I look like naked, and yes, I do plan on losing/toning more, thanks for the input..:huh:
No really, I don't mind nwhen people ask how much, its the awkward, try to cover THEIR embarrrassment over asking with an uncomfortable comment after they ask that ticks me off.0 -
I don't get upset about that. Women are too sensitive. If someone asks you how much weight you have lost, it's just because they notice that it is a considerable amount, and you are visibly thinner. That's a good thing ladies! Don't get upset, say thank you for noticing and smile.0
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If someone asks how much weight you lost, maybe you could reply something like:
(example)
Nosy person: "How much weight have you lost??"
You: "Well, I think the most important thing is that I feel great and/or lost some inches!"
If said nosy person persists, you could be blunt and respond, "That's a really personal question, don't you think?"0 -
It's really hard to have our family and friends ask us questions in precisely the right way. Strangers sometimes have better luck because there's no history there and maybe the have the same weird insecurities that I do.
As the one receiving a question, one thing you can try is to simply assume the asker's intent was good, however poor his or her execution was. Might help, might not.
When asking a question, one thing you might try is to simple ask honestly and openly, without trying to couch anything. Get to the point and be direct and pleasant. It's ultimately much easier that way. If someone takes offense, be willing to accept that. We can't control the reactions of others (despite the enormous effort we'll put into how the question is asked).
I live with the risk of asking hurtful/offensive/nosy questions. For me, it's better than not knowing, or pretending.0 -
Yeah i generally don't ask people about their weight loss, or if I do its a "you look great!" but when i was a kid, someone asked my mom "when's it due" honestly thinking my mom was pregnant. This was kinda of a double blow for her since she is a single mom.
Never ask that.0 -
I think it depends much on how a person is brought up with numbers, that is doing the asking.
Asking how much weight someone has lost is really a meaningless number unless you now plan on asking how much they weighed. Now you've just gone down a bad road.
The only other reason someone would ask is to compare to themselves, and why compare? To see if the one asking can say they did better, or faster, or set themselves up for feeling worse because they did lose that much but didn't look different.
Now, if they ask, have you lost a lot of weight, because ....
Well, now that is great because I love saying, no, not much at all. Because indeed, the inches drop faster than the weight if doing it right for body changes.
I think we should each think about why and how we are asking, and realize if others ask us wrong, it's just from lack of thinking down the road to what they'll be saying next.
People really have no idea, even those that have lost weight many times, how little fat weight it takes to lose to make big visual difference, and that part even depends on the person. Lose it first where, the neck, the waist, the arms, ect.0 -
Unfortunately, there are little old ladies who DO ask how much weight you have gained....right in the midst of a room of people......
Absolutely true, unfortunately. My husband's grandmother is a prime example. Every time we would see her, she would exclaim loudy, "My God, you're getting fat!".
I guess when I'm her age, my filter might be as old and decrepit as the rest of me? But, it was still hard to take. One of my future NSV's is actually showing up to some family function and her shutting her own fat trap because of how good my husband and I look!0 -
Unfortunately, there are little old ladies who DO ask how much weight you have gained....right in the midst of a room of people......
Absolutely true, unfortunately. My husband's grandmother is a prime example. Every time we would see her, she would exclaim loudy, "My God, you're getting fat!".
I guess when I'm her age, my filter might be as old and decrepit as the rest of me? But, it was still hard to take. One of my future NSV's is actually showing up to some family function and her shutting her own fat trap because of how good my husband and I look!
OMG, I can't even imagine. Old people can be so bizarre. Is it weird that some of them scare me?
Not to generalize, but...I guess I feel they can be so unpredictable cause I never know whether they're being serious or not, they say the darndest things. (very nervous laughter) :laugh: :laugh:0 -
I was raised that it is inappropriate to comment on another person's appearance. I was also raised to wear stockings and white gloves to church.
I have made a stranger's day more than once by telling them how great her hammies looked, or how fantastic her back was shaping up to be. I'm glad I don't always do what I was taught.
My compliments almost always revolve around a move toward the positive direction, which is why I think I always get a great reaction. I don't care what you've lost, but what you've gained. Then, I will ask what said stranger did to accomplish the change. People like being asked for advice, I've found.
If you ever come across Lisa again, just tell her she looks like new money. She won't complain.0 -
it would have never occurred to me to be offended either. guess i'm not sensitive enough. anyway, for those who ask they all get the same lame TRUTHFUL answer which is " i have no ideal " .0
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Hm... I guess it depends on how sensitive you are. One time my uncle said to me "looks like you've lost some weight" and I was so excited someone noticed I said "yep! 20lbs" he said "that's great - you look good." If I'm trying to lose weight and someone (knowing or not) asks me how much i've lost... I wouldn't be offended... just happy someone noticed.0
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I can see where you're coming from. I've never particularly liked giving an exact number of how much weight I've lost, other than maybe to certain people who are close to me. For me, I think it has something to do with the fact that telling people how much I've lost is also like admitting how much I gained in the first place, which is stupid but it does make me feel a little uncomfortable.
Also, I'm pretty tall with a medium-large frame so it takes a lot of pounds for any sort of loss to be noticeable. 34 pounds sounds like it should be a lot, but it doesn't actually look like that much on me and on the rare occasion that I do tell people how much I've lost or how much more I intend to lose, they are kind of shocked by the large number.0
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