Hi Everyone! I'm A Newbie!!!

Hello Everyone! I'm a newbie - Just joined the site a couple of days ago. I feel like this is already helping me... The food diaries really allow me to put my calories into perspective and see where I should be and I've already lost 2 pounds.

A little about me if you want to hear it... I have been overweight my entire life. I have always been 'the fat girl' and of course, always had the usual.. 'you have such a pretty face' or... 'oh you have such a good personality.. you can always lose weight...' Yeah, anyone who can relate on that one, feel free to jump onboard with me. I'm here because I've been hiding in denile. I always felt like, yeah, I'm fat (ok, REALLY fat) but I 'carry it well' and I couldn't possibly look like 'that' when I'd see other overweight people. I started seeing photos, the dreaded 3D realization that yes, I AM THAT fat.... the image that my 2D mirror view never revealed. I think hearing doctors tell me that I am 'Morbidly Obese' was a bit of a gruesome realization as well. Morbidly Obese? That conjures up images of the 1000 lb man laying bed-ridden on the cover of National Inquirer or phoning in from home on the Maury show to tell everyone he wants to change (yea, then Maury gets a crane and a special ambulance to pick him up and humiliate him on tv and never actually help the guy... anyway). It wasn't me, was it? The saddest part, is that I haven't been less than 200 lbs since I was... well, I don't even know. Maybe a child? I never had a boyfriend. In fact, the first guy I liked in elementary school called me a 'sumo wrestler' and the guys I liked later, only liked me as a 'friend'. I remember my high school crush started asking me about prom - asking if I was going, blah blah blah... My heart sang, I was like, 'yes, this is it!' Then he asked me if I thought my friend would want to go with him. Really? I felt like one of the guys. I'm this really feminine girl inside... but I feel so bulky and gross that I just feel like I'm looked at as less feminine. About ten years ago, I was 265, then decided I needed a change - started dieting and walking every night and dropped 64.5 pounds. There I was, on 'the threshhold of a dream', HALF of a pound away from getting under the big deuce... and I failed, and without even really noticing. I discovered that a driver's license and a debit card were a dangerous combination for a perpetually overweight teenager. I had an overweight best friend and we 'dieted' together, worked together, went to school together... ate together. I discovered the joy of restaurants with her. It was great... except for my weight. We joined a gym and worked out... then had lunch afterwards to reward ourselves... smart move, eh? We later lost touch, and I think in the years between, I've lost touch with myself. I 'ballooned' (yes, I know all overweight people LOVE it when that term is used in reference to their weight) to nearly 306 pounds. I saw I needed a change.... changed jobs, changed states... moved across the country to be in a new place, and a fresh start. Since moving, I've lost 50 pounds... then plateaued - or 'fat'eaued' over the last year, holding steady around 250... then started gaining again to 258. Even just a few months ago, we did a 'Biggest Loser' weightloss challenge at work and I found myself not really changing my habits (or maybe for a day or two) and then taking diuretic pills and taking off my jewelry and not drinking anything the day of weigh in to try to beat the system... how pathetic is that? While I did lose a few pounds, I put it back on and some. This is it... I am making the pledge and doing it in front of all of you because I think it will help me to not fall off the wagon. I want to lose weight. I NEED to lose weight. My mother has type 2 diabetes and is extremely overweight, has high blood pressure and is now seeing the dangerous effects of her disease - she's going blind, can barely see at all and says it's like looking through vaseline, even with glasses on, and she can barely move around because her feet have gone numb and she can't walk... and she's only 52. It's sad to watch and breaks my heart. After a lifetime of watching her basically 'fall apart' and trying desperately to help her when she wasn't willing to help herself, I know now, I need to change and practice what I preach, hopefully as an example for her, that she can do it too, and so I don't go down the same road. I want to live... maybe not forever, but long enough to enjoy all that life has to offer. I am sick of standing in the background and watching people's eyes dart away when they realize I just caught them staring at me in disgust. I need to excercise more.. I really don't eat that badly - though I'm improving that as well - but I need to move more. I work at a desk all day, so forcing myself to excercise is key. I moved to a place with lots of hills and force myself to walk up them and go in a loop around the neighborhood because I figure, if I can pant and wheeze and jiggle my weigh up a hill, I have to make the loop to get home (or drop dead) and at least some of the trip has to be downhill, right? Anyway.... I'm here because I'm ready to find the me I've lost, or maybe never even knew. I'm ready to start fresh, lose the weigh, lose the fear, lose the awkward 'fat girl' image. I'm ready for my husband to look at me and feel really lucky that he gets to 'be with my hotness' If anyone wants a friend to lean on, or at least someone to listen to my banter, I'm here and need support too... We're all in this together now and we can all lose the weight. If nothing else, a little 'good job' or 'don't give up' goes a long way... Here's to losing the equivalent of another healthy human being... My goal is 133 pounds