Here I go again

MsSassyCassie · May 2013

I'm Cassie, 26 year old mom of a 6 year old boy, and we live on the East coast of Canada. I signed up awhile ago, but never really did much with it after that. This time I want to figure it out. I am starting a membership at the YMCA today and planning to do a couple of the group fitness classes as I can.

My biggest problem is food. Making good choices as opposed to bad as I have been. I'm embarrassed by myself, I am the heaviest and most out of shape I've ever been and I hate myself for getting to this point without realizing it until now. I had to run to get somewhere yesterday, it wasn't even far, less than a block really. I could barely breathe while I was running and it took me a good while to really get my breath back afterward. I have never been in great shape, but never this bad.

I got diagnosed with major depression 2.5 years ago, and I haven't yet broke through to the other side. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, it's just dark. As a quote I came across recently so very accurately puts it, "The absurdity of working so hard to continue doing something you don't like can be overwhelming. And the longer it takes to feel different, the more it starts to seem like everything might actually be hopeless bull****."

When I got diagnosed, I got put off work, where I was standing/moving all day. I haven't been back to work since...old job won't take me back and can't seem to find a new one, so most of my days are pretty sedentary. I just sit on my computer killing time until I have to go get my son. Most days for awhile after my diagnosis I could barely motivate myself to leave the house unless it was absolutely necessary (get my son to and from daycare/school). Often when I come back home I go back to sleep until the afternoon (though I haven't been doing that the past couple weeks) and either don't eat, or just eat junk food, crackers and such. I've never eaten 3 meals a day, so I'm not sure how to go about getting myself in the habit. I am trying to drink water instead of pop. I guess I am just not sure what makes a good breakfast or lunch, or 'good' snacks as opposed to chocolate bars, chips, etc. I can cook supper and am trying to do so more often.

I am hoping the gym membership will give me some accountability. I have terrible willpower and no self confidence, so I give up easily. And still being right in the grips of depression, it can be so impossibly hard some days to just do anything. I can honestly say I really dislike myself, and I think the lack of self-confidence and terrible self image can really get to me, and then I spiral downward into the black hole of depression in a self hate/everything is hopeless spiral.

It's such a huge change to make for me and it seems so daunting, especially not knowing where to start. Not sure if it's a reasonable goal, but my brother is getting married mid-August, and I'd love to lose 15-20 pounds by then. My mom said she is going to give me some money to get a new dress (being unemployed I am poor), and would love to feel great in whatever I wear.

Anyway, this is super long winded, congratulations if you made it through!

flikster76 · May 2013

I absolutely understand how you feel, as do most of us here. This time is working for me I think, because I am getting to know food, trying new things, reading nutrition articles, meal planning. I'm actually enjoying the ride this time. It all started when found something called "quinoa" on this app, I googled it, printed some recipes and now I use it nearly everyday, super filling and oh so nutritious. After that I started looking for other new things, I now have a love affair going with holsome food, havn't even looked sideways at a chocolate! Maybe getting to know and becoming friends witb food could help you too. Good luck on you journey, I am more than sure you will achieve!

Mypie07 · May 2013

Take a week and honestly log all your food and exercise which will help you see how much calories are in what you are eating. Women in general are visual - so it's good to see what you are doing. Maybe dress to workout when you take your son to school and go for a long walk every day - start with small goals - maybe 20 minutes a day and work your way up. I walk for at least 60 minutes everyday. Turn your tv off and turn a radio on instead. Do not buy the junk food anymore...if you don't buy it - you won't have it to eat. Try swapping out a processed food for a raw fruit or veggie. Buy some sandwich or snack size baggies and fix snacks into baggies and mark what the calories are per serving on the baggie. This way when you are hungry - you can grab a quick snack and you'll know what you are eating. You can do this - let others on here be your light at the end of the tunnel.

I love Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30 workout - it's probably 30 minutes total - 24 minutes with a warm up and cool down.

You can also get a cheap pedometer at Wal-Mart for $5 and keep track of your steps per day - a good goal is 10,000 steps per day.

Good Luck!!!

UserConfirmed · May 2013

20 pounds in 3 months is doable. (20 * 3500) / (3 * 30) = you need to reduce you net calorie intake 777 below your basal metabolic rate per day. So if your BMR is 2500, you will lose 20 pounds in 3 months if you balance your calories to 1700 per day.

Lind140 · May 2013

Congratulations on making a positive change in the right direction!
A lot of nice people are on MFP and offer encouragement and
helpful advice along the way. Does your Y have a pool? If so,
check into their water fitness classes, don't worry about how you
look in a bathing suit or even your gym clothes, they are there to
better themselves also.
From a personal standpoint, I found that if I could get myself out
the door and to the gym, the concentration of working out and
making and reaching goals helped the depression to a great degree.
Give yourself little goals to work toward, and document a daily log
giving yourself a positive notation when you reach these goals.
This is all my humble opinions, but it helped me and I hope it
does the same for you. Good Luck!!

Steph_40 · May 2013

I totally understand where you are coming from as I battle with depression as well. I find that if I change one small thing every few days or every week that it's easy to stick with. As opposed to looking at everything that you need to change in your life which is extremely overwhelming. Start with eating a healthy breakfast every morning and go from there. Your son is a huge motivator in my opinion! Make healthy choices and changes for him, because you want to be a great role model for your son and you want to be around to watch him grow up. You can so do this!

vskinnyme · May 2013

Thanks for the courage to post your story. Recognizing the necessity of change and acting on it is a big accomplishment. Give yourself credit for it - it may help with the low self-esteem. Good luck.

conniemaxwell5 · May 2013

#1 - I can relate to a lot of what you've said. I guarantee you are not alone on this site in any of your experiences or feelings. None of us has had the exact experience but each of us has had bits and pieces, so I repeat YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

#2 - you've reached out for help. That says you are an overcomer - you CAN do this.

#3 - it's time to stop the self hate. You need to find some positive influences in your life and rid yourself of as many negative ones as you possibly can. Television can be a terrible influence - really monitor what you are watching. Is it feeding the negativity in you or the positivity? Find some inspirational quotes and tape them to your mirror and read them every day. Also speak to yourself in the mirror. Compliment yourself on one thing every time you look in the mirror. When you find yourself saying something negative about yourself, say out loud, "that is a lie. that is not who I am." You can build your self esteem by finding contentment where you are and always moving forward in life rather than looking backward.

#4 - Getting into the habit of 3 meals a day isn't as important as just making healthier, lower calorie choices. Don't try to change too many things at once or you may get overwhelmed and quit. Stop buying junk food and instead buy healthy food you can snack on all day. Keep them in clear bins or bags, washed and ready to eat, so they're easy to find and grab. Log your food and make sure you're eating enough. If you're at home all day and have a computer, start researching healthy living sites and find exercise you can do and enjoy as well as food you can prepare and enjoy. This doesn't have to be a diet - it should be a change in your lifestyle that will make you healthier and happier for the rest of your life.

If you need a supportive friend, feel free to add me. This is totally doable if you are committed. "If it's important to you you'll find a way, if it's not you'll find an excuse."

megbee617 · May 2013

A someone who has had a similar experience, I can understand your frustrations. I was diagnosed with depression in my teens, and it's a daily struggle. I have had several of those days where I went to food for comfort, and would immediately regret it. Pringles and Zebra Cakes were my therapists. I was my heaviest over this past winter, and once my pants stopped zipping up, I knew I HAD to make a change.

You'll probably hear this many times in your journey to lose weight: baby steps. What works for one person may not work for another. Maybe start by cutting 400-500 calories a day, and once you have a grip on that, maybe start exercising a few times a week.

One thing I will say about exercise and depression: doing intense cardio for at least 30 minutes will help quell the effects of depression. Exercise releases endorphins, a neutotransmitter associated with happiness, and it also blocks pain receptors. Who needs therapy when you can go to the gym and kick butt?! The hardest thing is just getting the motivation to DO IT. Once you're over that hurdle, you're well on your way to success! Good luck!

MsSassyCassie · May 2013

Thanks everyone. Today was my first real day of exercising and watching my calories. When I logged my day, it said "If every day were like today you'd weigh 186.1 lbs in 5 weeks." I'm starting at 197lbs, so seeing that was really cool. I like that it does that at the end of every day, it's a good little motivator. I'd love to see if I could see a difference with 10lbs off.

MsSassyCassie · May 2013

I absolutely understand how you feel, as do most of us here. This time is working for me I think, because I am getting to know food, trying new things, reading nutrition articles, meal planning. I'm actually enjoying the ride this time. It all started when found something called "quinoa" on this app, I googled it, printed some recipes and now I use it nearly everyday, super filling and oh so nutritious. After that I started looking for other new things, I now have a love affair going with holsome food, havn't even looked sideways at a chocolate! Maybe getting to know and becoming friends witb food could help you too. Good luck on you journey, I am more than sure you will achieve!

I have a box of quinoa I've been meaning to try. I think I'll make a stir fry sometime soonish and serve it with cooked quinoa instead of my usual brown rice.

aeg176 · May 2013

I understand where you are coming from I have been a member here since 2010 and up to now I've only lost 8 lbs (more in the past but I had gains I had to account for) I think what finally changed things for me was finding something active I liked to do and was excited about doing daily and then once I was commited to that and started seeing results then I was more motivated to keep up with working out and to find healthier foods to help my progress along. I am by no means a "success" story but I think I have found the keys to what works for me. It was trial and error for awhile but reading forums asking questions and the support of some great MFP friends it has gotten me on the right path. Good luck with your journey keep your head up and stick with it. It's only a failure if you stop trying. :flowerforyou:

Here I go again

Replies

Categories