Food ettiquitte for guests.... slight rant.

leavinglasvegas · August 2010

I am Vegan and gluten free. My daughter and I have multiple food allergies. We take our own food everywhere. When people come to our house, we go out of our way to have foods for them that they will enjoy. Including meat. I never hear the end of how its rude to expect someone to come over and not have meat just because of my diet. Or, I prepare the bulk of the food and ask someone else to bring the meat. I always thought that it was nice of me to oblige. Now, I'm really confused.

Yesterday at the family reunion, people kept talking about how my mom worked so hard to accomodate our dietary needs. She bought dark chocolate for the fountain even though I told her not to bother. I'm more concerned with my daughter having substance rather than dessert. While the fountain is nice and all, its not a neccessity. I brought my own gluten free veggie burgers. So, I'm not sure what they were getting at besides the way my mom over-dramatizes EVERYthing to make me look ungreatful. All I ate was the burger that I brought, some veggies brought by someone else (Not for my sake), and some fruit, (again, not brought for my sake.) My daughter ate a hot dog (she is not totally vegan, just gf and df), veggies and fruit. Not a single thing else was safe for us. NOTHING! Even the dairy free ranch dip I made for the veggies was quickly contaminated with gluten by people dipping pita bread in it. My mom actually got pissed when I said we could no longer eat it because of that. She said I was being

her favorite word for me

Ridiculous.

At least 6 family members said that she doesn't have to accomodate me, but its nice that she did. I never once brought this up. It seemed that they were looking to purposfully seek me out to tell me that.

So I'm wondering what are the rules of ettiquette in this situation?

How is it not expected that when I visit somewhere they would extend the same courtesy to me and my child that I do when they come here? Especially, when its medical, not just some fad we are trying out. And if its not neccessary for them to do for us, why do people think that I should cook dead carcass and have bread for their pleasure? When my diabetic uncle comes over, there is sugar-free desserts and Splenda for his coffee. When my severely obese aunt and uncle come over, there is diet coke and bacardi rum, plus the perogi are fried in butter because thats what they like. At Thankgiving, the sweet potatoes are smothered in marshmellows and sugar because my aunt will freakin have a hissy fit if they are prepared any other way.

I was having so much fun yesterday that I let this all go in one ear and out the other. But this morning, its really bothering me.

Any thoughts? And thank you for listening to me whine.

eekface · August 2010

Oh wow, if you have allergies I think thats really crappy of them to be like that. I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say I am sorry you have to deal with that.

khskr1 · August 2010

Bless your heart!! I know it's difficult BUT not everyone is respectful of others...including family members! The most you can do is continue to respect others the way you have, but you can't make someone else do the same. Know in your heart and head that you are doing the right thing. Continue to take your own food and not mention to someone what you can or can't eat. Times are a changing!!! Unfortunately it just seems our families change the slowest!

RoadDog · August 2010

Personally, whern I have friends or family over and I kn ow they have some preference or exclusion, I do what I can to accommodate them.

Having said that, if I have any personal preferences when I am to be someone else's guest, I pack my preferences in with me. i don't necessarily expect them to cater to my needs.

Let it go. Relax. No sense getting worked up over things you have no control over. Life is to short, Holly.

Alleghany · August 2010

So sorry! You are totally NOT being ridiculous whether it be on the GF or Vegan front. Just trace amounts of gluten can cause severe issues if you are allergic but most people are really uneducated about this. I usually don't consume any animal products at all and have been this way for several years so I'm definitely encountering my share of snarkiness. It's really tough when people don't understand and are very insensitive when it comes to not eating things with cheese or meat. Whether your reason is for health, ethics, etc., people (including and especially family members) can be really callous. I, like you, try to have the things on hand that my guests enjoy (including meat/dairy). When I go to someone's house, I don't expect them to serve me a vegan meal so I also try to bring something I can eat and usually end up eating something of theirs with dairy in it. I don't want anyone to make a fuss over me or stress out about what to feed me and I tell them this. I SO don't want to be the "Ugly Vegan" and go out of my way to be accomodating and respectful of their diets.. People are starting to come around but every now and then, a situation like you encountered comes along and just plain bums me out. So sorry you're experiencing this.

Hang in there and stay strong, Sista! :flowerforyou:

ladyofivy · August 2010

I'm really sorry to hear about how everyone has made such a deal out of your life choices.

I used to have a friend who was vegan, and her entire family was also vegan. When I visited her house, she offered choices of vegan food, but did not make special accommodations for me. I didn't expect her to.

When there was a situation where people were donating food (via her) to another family, she confided in me that having this meat in her fridge likened (in her mind) to having human waste in her fridge. She was very unsettled by it, although she kept it to herself.

I'm sad for you that your family is disrespectful. When my brother was alive and visited my parents, they would always go out of their way to have vegetarian food in their house for he and his wife, and it was never made into a big deal. Granted, my dad would grumble about it behind his back, but people who love each other should want to do things to make their loved ones happy. (as it's clear that you've done.)

I think that I'd be up front about the situation to those who felt upfront enough to have a conversation with you about it.

Liken their situation with your own, when they complain. "If you came to my home, I would offer you food that appeals to you. I make sure to pack my own food out of courtesy when I visit others, because of my health situation. I'm sorry that you find it offensive that I choose to eat foods that are different than what you like. I think we have a lot more things in common than we have different. I know that we both like making quilts. Have you worked on anything new lately?"

I know, it sounds corny, but sometimes it just takes addressing the situation, and then deflecting it to something more tame.

It won't make your life any better, but I think you're going above and beyond and are completely right. :flowerforyou:

Angowen · August 2010

I have to agree with RoadDog, life is way too short to get worked up about it! It sounds to me like your mom is just insensitive about your allergies and for some odd reason acts like it's in your head rather than a true medical issue - THAT is never going to change so just take her with a grain of salt, smile and thank her for the accommodations she made for you and move on. You will be a bigger person for it and you'll feel better knowing you're being tolerant of her attitude.

abeare · August 2010

Wow can I relate! I don’t eat meat (lacto ovo) I can go anywhere for super, including restaurants or my husbands family’s and am able to either bring food or find something to eat. I go to my own family’s house and am told that I’m simply fussy, they find it insulting if I try to bring food that I can actually eat but yet seem to go out of their way to make sure they are having red meat! In my case my family doesn’t seem to understand how a person can go without meat and are convinced that I am the unhealthy because of it. It is often a heated topic between my parents and I even after 10 years.
My family is also only like this with me, any other vegetarian that comes for supper gets a well though out meatless meal, but or me, I get told I’m just fussy!
I wish I had better suggestions for you though, I’ve limited my presence at family dinners to only a couple times a year because of this issue. I’d love there to be a way to go to my parent’s house for supper without me not eating meat as a topic of interest.
Hopefully you have a family that you could maybe sit down with your accusers and actually explain your diet to and what the consequence of not following it entails. Maybe if they were more informed as to why you ate that way they’d be more understanding? I know not everyone will be of the personality to actually listen (from personal experience) but it’s worth a try.
Best of luck!

lisawest · August 2010

I am SO sorry your family was being like that to you! Unfortunately I don't have a lot of advice either, but you are more than welcome to come join my family! We all have different likes/dislikes and allergies/intolerances. No chocolate for those, no bananas for these, no shell fish for this group, sugar free for that group, etc etc etc. No one (that I have heard!) has harrassed anyone else about any of it. Of course there are those who tease and rib each other about it, but that isn't meant anymore meanly than when they rib each other about exploits from when they were younger!

Everyone is different and has different needs/wants/desires and everyone deserves to have their needs met.

I don't know if you have done it already (or if it would even help!), but you might think about sitting down and calmly discussing with your mother (or another family member, if your mom isn't a good option) how all the comments, and lack of food choices, made your daughter feel. I wouldn't make this about you, she can't fault you for wanting to protect your daughter! Explain (again it sounds like) the health restrictions for you both as well as the consequences. Personally, I would only give the worst case scenario consequences, kind of a "scared straight" type deal. I'm willing to bet you've probably had similar conversations before, but sometimes people need to hear something multiple times before it starts to sink in.

As for the etiquette, next time I would ask the commenters how they would like you to handle it. Ask them flat out "Would you prefer that I NOT bring food my daughter and I can eat, and then just stand around complaining about being hungry all day? Or would eating the food, that I KNOW will make my daughter and I sick, here and then spending the next however-many-days sick and at the hospital/doctor? Which do YOU feel is the best choice for us? Because obviously you have a better idea than the one I'm currently using, please help me out here so I can know what's best here." Ok, maybe you could be a little MORE diplomatically (or less if you prefer!

), but when it comes to my children's health and my own I've turned into a momma bear so I don't always handle it diplomatically!

Again, I'm sorry that family treated you this way. IMHO THEY should be the most supportive of you, but I don't that doesn't always happen. Keep doing the right thing for you and your daughter. She will thank you for it!:flowerforyou:

hamiltonba · August 2010

What if you commented in this manner, "I hate that my daughter and I have food allergies and I think that it is really great that my Mom is willing to go out of her way to make her daughter and grandaughter live longer lives". It sounds like ignorance more than anything. I would try a different approach. Educate them if they are willing to listen. Your mother needs/should be the FIRST student! Good luck.

mate1432 · August 2010

I have found that courtesy and ettiquette are always on short supply when the word family is involved. Family seems to think that this does apply to them. You are doing the best and right thing for you, forget the less considerate others. Food allergies are not food preferences!

LotusF1ower · August 2010

They do not have to accommodate you, however, it is well out of order that they actually have the gall to go on at you too!!!

They want it all ways and are being completely selfish, not because of the food business, but because they don't seem to care two hoots how uncomfortable they make you feel.

I wonder how they would feel if you turned the tables and expected them to eat only what you ate and also for you to have a right old go at them when they protested.

Maybe you should try it for five minutes and then as they start to get upset, just say "not nice is it". To be honest I am not sure you would get five minutes, they would most likely storm off before that.

All you can do is carry on what you are doing, it is your choice to live that way and you are completely within your rights to choose that way too. Somehow you have to make them aware that it is your choice and they should respect that. :flowerforyou:

leavinglasvegas · August 2010

Thanks. I really don't expect them to make special things for me. Even though they seem to think I should do this for them. What bothers me the most is that they tell me its so much work and make such a huge deal out of it, but at the same time, they act like its no big deal for me. And its not like they are doing anything, because they don't EVER! And they, especially my mom, just can't seem to let it go. Sometimes I don't even bother to go to things because all I have to do is show up and my diet becomes everyone's focus. And its never nice, always poking fun. I don't talk about it, I NEVER bring it up.

I suppose I'll continue to just take my own food and make more of an effort to avoid the 20,000 questions and just walk away or leave when the teasing starts. I just feel like I have the right to say, "Ya know what, this year for Christmas brunch, there will be no eggs or ham. If you want that you should bring your own brunch or host it yourself." Or, "You know, that bread and butter is going to go straight to your a**, why not try some salad." Thats rude, in my opinion-- but thats exactly what I get from them. (Except they are complaing that I'm going to die of malnutrition if I don't eat meat, butter, and bread or that they will not be serving vegetables or salad because health food is for sissies)

Are any of your families looking to adopt? I think I figured out a solution. Just walk away period. I don't need that in my life, even if they are family. I deserve to be treated nicer.

Becka77 · August 2010

If I was having dinner at a friends house who was veg I wouldn't expect them to serve meat. I have a niece with a lot of food allergies and we try to accomodate for her at family dinners as much as we can or know how too, but a lot of times they bring their own food and then just eat what they can of anything else.

The same goes with my diet. I don't expect anybody to change the way they cook to accomadate my preferances, although an allergy is a more severe issue.

Also, usually when we have family dinners, whoever is hosting informs us what they are making and if we want to bring something else, then we do.

lisawest · August 2010

snip. . .
Are any of your families looking to adopt? I think I figured out a solution. Just walk away period. I don't need that in my life, even if they are family. I deserve to be treated nicer.

We're always happy to welcome a couple more! Of course, our events are usually in Kansas, but you're welcome anytime you want to come out this way!:flowerforyou:

leavinglasvegas · August 2010

:flowerforyou:

I knew I could count on my fellow MFPers to make me smile.

You guys are awesome!

PJilly · August 2010

How frustrating for you. I think the big difference between what you do to accommodate your guests and what your mom did was that you make the accommodations because you sincerely want them to have food that they enjoy. I get the feeling the feeble attempt your mom made at accommodating you was an attempt to score brownie points, not a genuine concern for what you would and wouldn't want to eat. Then the icing on the cake for her was that she could complain about how ungrateful you were. I would keep on doing what you're doing. I'm sure your guests appreciate the effort you make. The fact that your mom hasn't figured out how to be so gracious is her problem, not yours.

I have to share that I can totally relate. I am a picky, picky eater. I love potatoes, but I don't like potato salad. I don't like most of the other things that go into it: onions, pickles, etc. My MIL made a whole separate batch of potato salad one year with no onions. However it was LOADED with pickles, which I absolutely detest. I thanked her and put some on my plate, but she noticed I didn't actually eat any, and she made the biggest stink about how she made it just for me and I didn't even eat it. Now, if she had truly wanted to make something I would like, don't you think she would bother to find out WHAT that might be? I could have appreciated the gesture if she hadn't negated her act of kindness with the act of unkindness of trying to make me feel bad. Ugh.

tiarapants · August 2010

I definitely empathise with you. I'm a vegetarian and also suffer from quite a food allergies (including being severely allergic to strawberries). When I have guests I cook meat for them if it is appropriate (I cook it for my husband anyway). The number of times people have made comments about me being so darn fussy. As I get older, my skin is obviously getting tougher because I don't let it get to me so much any longer.

xx

Amy154 · August 2010

my rant.....
My daughter has celiac so she is gluten free. She is 22 and does all her own cooking etc, and is, of course very cautious. I have a number of nieces who are vegan, and Thanksgiving is great---because there are LOTS of choices, and my daughter likes to eat with that side of the family because everyone knows EXACTLY what is in all the food...so they (her cousins) can tell her if it is okay for her to eat.
Everyone is gracious about the whole thing---except for one of my sisters....but I do not like it when she lumps my daughter in with some of her cousins......my daughter's is not a lifestyle choice but a medical condition! And I think that it is great if they want to be vegans...I always leave the feta off the salad I make for them........and their dishes are great......... and they are not obnoxious....but there is a big difference between my daughter accidentally getting glutened, and my niece accidentally have dairy.........

I guesss I would say my one sister would be the one making a big deal about the foods, and it is obnoxious

And I have dealt with the contaminated dip and it is VERY FRUSTRATING !!!!!

A

jennylynn84 · August 2010

See, I don't understand this about some people.

I THOUGHT that part of being a good hostess was providing for your guests and keeping their needs in mind. At my wedding I had a wide variety of eaters - from diabetic, to vegetarian, to picky children, to food allergies, to a friend with crohn's. And while there were a wide variety of foods I personally would have preferred, I did make sure to get a mix of food. So that there were at least a couple of choices for everyone.

A friend of mine is a vegetarian, and she regularly hosts parties. Among all the food she has are mini sandwiches, chili (meat) dips.... and plenty of veggies as well.

I thought keeping your guests in mind was always the polite thing to do. And not to complain about it or act put out. Because as your friends/family/guests it is important to you (or should be!) that they feel welcome, thought of, and comfortable.

Personally, I don't mind taking into account other dietary needs, but it would really steam me as well if they would then refuse to consider mine.

Perhaps being a good host is a dying art.

leavinglasvegas · August 2010

I thought it was part of being a good host/hostess as well!

In the food mags, on Martha Stewart, Dear Abby, other cooking shows, etc- They all seem to gear towards taking the guest into consideration. I've read in some articles on entertaining that it is always important to ask guests if they have any allergies or special diets. Then you take that into consideration when planning your event. Because of course, the success of your event is based on how well your guests enjoyed themselves. A gluten reaction mid-Pictionary certainly won't be fun for anybody at the party. And hungry guests aren't going to stick around long enough to play Pictionary because.... they are hungry.

I suppose my situation was a little different since it was a family reunion and everybody brought a dish. However, I was specifically asked NOT to bring a dish. So I brought my special veggie burgers and made do with what was available. So did my daughter. Niether one of us made a single complaint at any given moment or anything that could have possibly been mistaken for a complaint. I was perfectly happy with my veggie burger and veggies. I would have eaten it at home for a meal. No biggie.

Then again, I was the elephant in the room. I was the only one not sitting back in my chair whinning about how stuffed I was, popping tylenol for a headache, tums for a bellyache, going back to the dessert table a forth time mid-complaint about how full I was yet I needed another brownie and some more pie. To be perfectly honest, I was the ONLY one NOT talking about food in any way, shape, or form. They seemed to think I'm not eating enough since I'm not about to explode. I was perfectly content and like I said earlier, having too much of a good time to really think about food. It wasn't till this morning that it hit me just how many comments were made and how misguided those comments were. (Maybe that was the gf beer I was drinking ??? that I just didn't let it sink in right away.)

I guess what I'm realizing is that, it wasn't my problem at all to begin with. I was the target because I was the one who was different. I'm glad I posted this, because I see this in a different light now. I'm thinking I'm being picked on and accepting that I am the weird one. But its not that at all. I'm just allowing myself to be the target of someone elses perception of me. What that perception is, is not mine to judge. But it is helpful to be aware that it is not me, so its not my problem, and I don't need to overthink it anymore. I cannot control what other people think of me, nor do I need to give a damn. I will continue to take my guests into consideration because I feel that is the polite thing to do. But I will also no longer put myself through any more work than I need to to please anybody. I'm going to learn new ways of responding to critism when it comes to my family. I don't need to avoid it, I need to address it. I need to do it in a way that projects confidence in my lifestyle. That way, they will come to see that this is me and I ain't changing! Eventually, rather than me getting tired of the comments, they will get tired of making them. And if not, its not my problem, that is my cue to leave. Period.

My therapist would be proud right now.:laugh:

Food ettiquitte for guests.... slight rant.

Replies

Categories