Spousal "Support"

Options
2

Replies

  • tsdaughe
    tsdaughe Posts: 88
    Options
    This sounds to me more like someone who loves you but might have his own self esteem issues which maybe why he prefers bigger women. The more weight you lose and the healthier you get, along with your time away from home, in his mind may leave you open to catch someone elses eye. Especially at the gym. I think sitting down with him and really explaining to him that you will not give up your gym routine and you want his support on this because you love him and it means alot to you to be healthy not only for you but so you to can also enjoy a long life together. Reassure him that you are not going anywhere and in fact his support would make him even more attractive vs what you perceive to be passive agressive comments. My fiance is not a jealous man but I know a few times when I went to the gym in my work out clothes he said I looked hot and he worried about some men hitting on me. He is supportive. I just reassured him by heart and loyalty are with him and I don't even pay attention to anyone else. Depending on how things continue, couples counseling may help. You to help you with bringing in DV from the past relationship and him with the apparent low self confidence... But this is an outsiders opinion so I could be wayyyy off.
  • Vinyarddog
    Vinyarddog Posts: 67
    Options
    That sounds just like my wife - she is forever opening a bag of chips and sitting next to me on the couch. Finally I told her I would buy and prepare my own food. She still makes spaghetti a lot, but I can resist now. For her it is about insecurity - she sees me getting in shape, and I believe she wonders why.

    Stay strong, don't give in. That's what I do.
  • Sactown900
    Sactown900 Posts: 162 Member
    Options
    He is either afraid he is going to lose you once you get "skinny" or he doesn't want you leaving the house so he gets stuck with the kids. I can't imagine a husband would want his wife to stay sick. If you were chubby and healthy, sure but sick? It has to be something else. Try to see if he has other issues which are bothering him and ask him to be a little more sensitive to your needs. Husbands are such *kitten* sometimes.

    I totally agree.

    My wife loved me large and lifting all the time (6' 2" and 262 in 2000), but she knew there was someone MUCH leaner in there dying to get out. I was 240 the last 10 years, now at 211 she loves giving my XXL clothes to mens shelters and buying me new clothes. Her four brothers are very lean (played sports all their lives) so she supports were I am going(195 lbs).

    You need to be healthy above all else.
  • ohmscheeks
    ohmscheeks Posts: 840 Member
    Options
    I would tell him you are going to lose weight, period. Then, ask him if he can honestly handle that. If he says yes, then it's agreed that he will stop the antics. If he says no, well...
  • gonnamakeanewaccount
    gonnamakeanewaccount Posts: 642 Member
    Options
    Bottom line is if he doesn't think your health is more important than his physical attraction to you, there's something wrong there.
  • angelcurry130
    angelcurry130 Posts: 265 Member
    Options
    so sorry you have to go through this struggle. :( it really does become a challenge when your partner is against your lifestyle change.

    i agree with several people that this could be a level of insecurity on his part. you mentioned that he has pressured you to settle down, and you have refused to tie the knot. perhaps he feels you are planning to leave and the weight loss is just the first step?

    i strongly suggest you sit down with him and let him know how good being healthy makes you feel...maybe even stroke his ego a bit and tell him how good you will look for him. give him some reassurances that you don't intend on going anywhere. and if none of that gets through to him, ask him point-blank what his problem is. if his only beef with your transformation is appearance, take a step back. life happens. people change, grow old. accidents happen. you will not always look the way you do now, and if he is THAT fickle, you may want to consider cutting ties.
  • HotrodsGirl0107
    HotrodsGirl0107 Posts: 243 Member
    Options
    We are not married. He would like to but, I do not. In all honesty, before him I was a victim of DV for a long time and marriage is not in my cards at this point however, he does act as a spouse and I put the "Support" portion in quotes as that is what my real issue is. He started off supportive but, it is changing...thank you!!!

    If he wants to marry you but you are resistant and at the same time you are working out and getting healthy he may seriously be worried that when you reach your goals and have a "new life" he might not be a part of it.

    Eta: I realize now that this has already be said. I am so tired I didn't read all the comments...carry on.
  • Princess_Lee2013
    Princess_Lee2013 Posts: 48 Member
    Options
    I could not agree more with the comments that are offered on here, especially since it has having a clear, positive impact on your health. Especially since there are children involved: taking care of yourself and being healthy is the best thing you can do for your children. My sense is insecurity plays a role, as well as perhaps him being jealous of the me time you spend at the gym. keep forging ahead and stay strong and get your strength from within and the knowledge that you are doing the best thing for yourself and those around you. Once it becomes a non-negotiable way of life, hopefully he will get off your back about it. But I also agree, you don't need the support and while the sabotoge is annoying you're better than that! Just stay focuseed on your goal and what you need to do to get there!!! Good luck!
  • Mmmmona
    Mmmmona Posts: 328 Member
    Options
    Give him a taste of his own medicine. Tease him about his laziness, his weight, his "faults".
  • acstansell
    acstansell Posts: 567 Member
    Options
    I don't know... mine just told me today that I need to put "more meat on my bones..."

    I looked at him like he was nuts.

    Do what's best for YOU, he'll adapt...
  • andyisandy
    andyisandy Posts: 433 Member
    Options
    I don't think he's jealous.

    I don't think he's sabotaging your weight loss.

    I think he's a relatively in shape guy who doesn't put an especially high emphasis on health and fitness.

    I would have a conversation with him letting him know how important this is to you.

    If that doesn't work it might be time to rethink things.
    i think this is the best answer so far
  • KANGOOJUMPS
    KANGOOJUMPS Posts: 6,473 Member
    Options
    I find some times when you lose the weight and get hotter looking, the hubs gets jealous cause there are many more men looking at you more often,do what you want, not what he wants
  • meeper123
    meeper123 Posts: 3,347 Member
    Options
    Just curious is he also over weight he might feel if you lose the weight you wont want him anymore. You need to be healthy and happy and he should want that for you as well. Sit him down and talk to him. Find things that you can do as a couple. evening walks, a hike, or maybe even golf :) Get him involved and he will be more supportive. If he is ONLY doing this because he finds bigger women attractive that might be a deal breaker and not a healthy thing to be around.
  • AlongCame_Molly
    AlongCame_Molly Posts: 2,835 Member
    Options
    Give him a taste of his own medicine. Tease him about his laziness, his weight, his "faults".

    That's a brilliant idea. I can't see any way that that might go wrong and blow up in your face. :noway:
  • cindybowcut
    cindybowcut Posts: 250 Member
    Options
    Remind him that you are doing this to be healthy not to be skinny. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be around to take care of anybody else. You said that you are off your diabetes meds, remind him that diabetes is one of the #1 causes of death. I have seen what it can do, my dad had a stroke due to complications from his diabetes. He lost use of his left arm and can't get around without a cane. I am also diabetic which is why I am losing weight, I have been off my meds since April 2012. Continue doing what you are doing, if he truly loves you he will support you.
  • craigmandu
    craigmandu Posts: 976 Member
    Options
    Give him a taste of his own medicine. Tease him about his laziness, his weight, his "faults".

    That's a brilliant idea. I can't see any way that that might go wrong and blow up in your face. :noway:

    QFT...the answer isn't to create more "drama" over it.

    I would simply let him know that this is something you want to pursue and you want it to take priority of other mundane things.

    He'll either accept that or he won't. Either way, you need to talk about it.
  • Mmmmona
    Mmmmona Posts: 328 Member
    Options
    Give him a taste of his own medicine. Tease him about his laziness, his weight, his "faults".

    That's a brilliant idea. I can't see any way that that might go wrong and blow up in your face. :noway:

    QFT...the answer isn't to create more "drama" over it.

    I would simply let him know that this is something you want to pursue and you want it to take priority of other mundane things.

    He'll either accept that or he won't. Either way, you need to talk about it.

    If you can't have fun with your spouse, you should reconsider your life.
  • aidane218
    aidane218 Posts: 8
    Options
    No, he is in GREAT SHAPE. He is 40 and looks about 32. He is a very good looking man. He prefers larger women. Ugh. ;) Thank you for your input!
  • aidane218
    aidane218 Posts: 8
    Options
    Remind him that you are doing this to be healthy not to be skinny. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be around to take care of anybody else. You said that you are off your diabetes meds, remind him that diabetes is one of the #1 causes of death. I have seen what it can do, my dad had a stroke due to complications from his diabetes. He lost use of his left arm and can't get around without a cane. I am also diabetic which is why I am losing weight, I have been off my meds since April 2012. Continue doing what you are doing, if he truly loves you he will support you.

    My brother is younger than I, all his weight in his belly but is blind from Diabetes and is slowly headed toward a wheelchair from his Neuropathy. Congrats to you! It is so liberating not taking all those pills anymore. I was borderline insulin dependent. I empathize! Thank you!
  • meeper123
    meeper123 Posts: 3,347 Member
    Options
    No, he is in GREAT SHAPE. He is 40 and looks about 32. He is a very good looking man. He prefers larger women. Ugh. ;) Thank you for your input!

    He just has to get over it. If he wants to be with you tell him you will be healthy or he can hit the road. Don't use this as an excuse to cave in. You will regret it.

Categories