Still heartbroken...best advice

diliveslife
diliveslife Posts: 42 Member
in Chit-Chat
Although I am feeling much better about the recent break up- I am still in a funk and need to get out of it. What worked best for you to get out that icky feeling? As some of you read from my last post, the ex and I are roommates now for a little while at least until he can get the F outta my house (jkjk, really I don't have harsh feelings toward him) so it's hard. (partying or drinking aren't things I really wanna do except on occasion right now because I don't want to get drunk/emotional and stupid)

I think I get caught up in being upset that he didn't ever see my point of view even now. I wish that he could at least be mature enough to realize that I really was great and didn't have unrealistic expectations, yet he blames everything on me, turned it all around, and can get nasty. I am taking the high road and just being nice to him. I realize that there were great things that brought us together but that as adults we have to be able to understand that love isn't always enough, and if we aren't getting what we need we need to be okay letting go. I think he gets mad that I seem so "normal" and okay with things but I can't concern myself with his feelings anymore and just try to avoid him so that one comment doesn't ruin my day.

That being said, I am completely done with it and not fearful of returning. As much as I was into him and attracted, I know it would never work and want to feel appreciated and cared for- which he never did. Yet I still feel so down. Especially late at night when I am in bed stewing. During the day it's fine. I stay focused at work, workout a ton at night or go sit in the Jacuzzi, spend time with my dog and family/friends if time permits- but it's that night time that gets me feeling vulnerable, alone, and like I never want to be in a relationship again.

Any tactics that helped you in a similar situation?

Thank you in advance for being such a supportive community and allowing random topics like this. Technically it is about my health and well being ;)

Replies

  • yenilopez1985
    yenilopez1985 Posts: 52 Member
    He needs to move out. the whole roommates thing doesn't work", the faster he leaves the faster you are going to start healing. For me what helped me the most were my friends, work and yeah met someone else right away. Go out meet new people, flirt, it will take your mind off things. I started drinking but it was only to celebrate lol. at night i would spend hours and hours on the phone talking to friends or fb and stuff like that, it will get better eventually, but he really needs to move out.
  • iLoveMyPitbull1225
    iLoveMyPitbull1225 Posts: 1,690 Member
    The best thing is for him to move out...and spend time having fun. Get back to you.
  • Cp731
    Cp731 Posts: 3,195 Member
    Time.
    Time.
    Time.
    Time.
    Time.
    Time.
    Another Distraction.
    Time.
  • bszczek
    bszczek Posts: 10
    I think it just takes time. After my big break up a while back i took that time to really better myself as a person and did things that made me happy. Worked out a lot, got caught up with all the friends i didn't have time to see as much as I wanted, and spent time with my brothers. I don't think you can narrow it down to any one method or activity. Losing anyone for any reason hurts, and the more you avoid that feeling or try to distract yourself from it...the longer, in my opinion, it takes to recover. Best of luck to ya!
  • BEERRUNNER
    BEERRUNNER Posts: 3,046 Member
    Time.
    Time.
    Time.
    Time.
    Time.
    Time.
    Another Distraction.
    Time.


    Bute yes have him MOVE OUT!!!!! otherwise it will take MORE AND MORE time for you to heal................................
  • Altruista75
    Altruista75 Posts: 409 Member
    They say time heals all wounds but I'm still waiting for that time to pass! :cry:
  • FitandFab33
    FitandFab33 Posts: 718 Member
    DEFINITELY get him out of the house. ASAP.

    Try not to let your mind linger on the negatives/painful parts of the relationship, and don't let your memory play tricks on you by focusing on only the good things.

    It was a relationship, it didn't work out, and no one needs to be at fault. There is no satisfaction from that line of thought anyway.

    Stay busy, stay around people you love who love you (family and friends), and do things that interest you/make you happy.

    And again, GET HIM OUTTTTTTT.
  • littlebudgie
    littlebudgie Posts: 279 Member
    Time, spending time away from him and with other people, and getting him the hell out of your house.
  • LetsTryThisAgain54
    LetsTryThisAgain54 Posts: 381 Member
    "The best way to get over a man is to get under another one" ~ Betty White

    Sorry, just a little humor to try and cheer you up. :)
  • zoeysasha37
    zoeysasha37 Posts: 7,088 Member
    I agree, it will be much easier after he leaves ....you may feel lonely being in an empty house by your self for a little bit, but just constantly think of bettering yourself ,
    1 get busy when you start to dwell , workout, do your hair, clean your house , re decorate house, etc
    Do things for yourself ...and you'll feel better.
    Wish you the best of luck!! I know it's hard but you'll get through this!!
  • Derpes
    Derpes Posts: 2,033 Member
    Stay busy! It is easier said than done, especially after a day at work.

    Have you set a deadline?
  • Timshel_
    Timshel_ Posts: 22,834 Member
    I think I get caught up in being upset that he didn't ever see my point of view even now. I wish that he could at least be mature enough to realize that I really was great and didn't have unrealistic expectations, yet he blames everything on me, turned it all around, and can get nasty. I am taking the high road and just being nice to him. I realize that there were great things that brought us together but that as adults we have to be able to understand that love isn't always enough, and if we aren't getting what we need we need to be okay letting go. I think he gets mad that I seem so "normal" and okay with things but I can't concern myself with his feelings anymore and just try to avoid him so that one comment doesn't ruin my day.

    That whole paragraph should tell you he doesn't respect you. And while you keep SAYING you are over that and can't concern yourself with it, the fact you wrote out that whoel paragraph saying you are feeling it means you ARE concerning yourself. That isn't a bad thing though. You need to not only look at what someone else did wrong in the relationship, but also where you might have been wrong too. Saying he should be mature and take responsibility for all he did wrong should be a bit of advice for you as well. Two sides here, I am sure.

    But what you do is reflect, and take as much time as you want doing it. There is no pressure or expectation that you need to heed to heal and move on. Don't fight back thinking of things and think it has to all change now. It won't and that will add to your frustration with everything. Float for a bit in life, if you will. Without direction and answers to all the questions and doubts in your mind. Just be you. Feel what is inside and start getting a handle on those feelings. Through it all, don't doubt yourself in light of someone else though. You made mistakes, sure. He made mistakes, sure. But the mistakes each of you made does not really reflfect who the other person is.

    Hope that made sense. Cheers.
  • bearkisses
    bearkisses Posts: 1,252 Member
    learn to love yourself! :flowerforyou:
  • diliveslife
    diliveslife Posts: 42 Member
    Amazing advice. Thank you all so much. I think spending a lot of time with loved ones and just letting it run it's course is what I have to do.

    I definitely know I made mistakes, but I always owned up to them and severely apologized if I hurt his feelings or said something in a moment of heated anger/bad mood. I definitely know I am not perfect but I am aware of my flaws and I always listened and took accountability, but he could never do that to this day. Then he would throw those same mistakes in my face over and over. For example, I went to my sisters one Sat. when he had to work. We ended up going wine tasting and getting a little drunky pants. Well by the time I spoke with him in the afternoon I was totally tipsy and told him what was going on, but he was PISSED that I went drinking and didn't tell him, and called me a liar etc. Although I thought he overreacted, I didn't tell him that, I totally owned up to it and apologized profusely. Well up until it ended he would constantly throw that in my face and claim he could never trust me...Frustrating.

    I guess I do have a lot of thinking to do and I am still concerned because I wouldn't bring these things up if I weren't. I know being with him is completely out of the question and unhealthy, but it doesn't mean I can so easily stop caring about the misconceptions. I guess it gets to me that he's walking away thinking of me as this horrible girlfriend when I did SO much for him and his child. And I mean- A lot, I met with his ex twice a week to pick him up and drop him off (the child) put up with her antics, babysat him almost every weekend for a year while he worked just so he could see him in the AM and late PM even though he would never be willing to take a weekend off or get a babysitter so he and I could have a weekend when he knows that 's my only time off. I could go on and on but wont. I guess I still have a lot of resentment.

    As far as him leaving- the soonest he can go is end of July and honestly I can really use the help since the mortgage is all in my name and would be almost impossible to afford on my own. So I do stress about finding another roommate that is reliable but I know it needs to happen and that until it happens I just have to stay away and try to make the best of things...

    Thanks again everyone for the encouragement and tips. *sigh*
  • robdel302
    robdel302 Posts: 292 Member
    http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx36.htm

    Sounds like you maybe dealing with the above. If you are, RUN break all contact, kick him out and never speak to him again. These are some of the worst people you could ever encounter. Manipulative doesn't even begin to describe how they are and once they get to you, they really know how to push your bottons and get their way. I have my own experience with this kind of person, fortunately I was aware of the disorder and it helped a lot.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    July! Thats too long you will be in limbo until then. You can't even begin to heal until he is gone! He needs to be an adult and fair to you and get out. I hope he's not keeping you as a sidebar in case better options dont appear.

    Once you get him out, then all contact ceases, you dont initiate anything. You get to move on with your life. You get to heal, and you get to (it will happen) find that next love who will never let you go. Another great thing about this no more contact at all is it often gives that other person time to think, date and most of the time they realize they let something great go. They get concerned too because you've moved on with your life dont think about them and dont contact them. You also get a great gift to yourself because it opens you up to the opportunity to find love again or find yourself and not worry about some idiot's life.

    I dont know why you are giving him such a long time. Thats not fair. You played the game now it's time for him to leave.
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    "The best way to get over a man is to get under another one" ~ Betty White

    Sorry, just a little humor to try and cheer you up. :)

    You have to respect Betty she knows best
  • xtinakay84
    xtinakay84 Posts: 22
    Girl, I am going through it.. I have been for 6 months now.. going thru a divorce. from a man I was with for several years. It is HARD. I have had my good days and I have had my bad days... I know that it will never work, I know that he has hurt me more than anyone ever has before, and it's not hard because I want it to work and want him back, but it's still hard... You get so used to how your life was and being with someone.. that even though you know it's best for you, all that change is hard to process.

    For me personally, I am just trying to focus 100% of my energy on ME. he robbed a lot of 'me' and I feel like I lost myself in the years of being with him.. I need to find myself again, learn about myself, and find out truly what I want and what will make me happy in life. I have focused a lot of my energy on my health and fitness, on my business, and in church (though I know that is not for everyone)... I also have gotten sober as in the beginning I was definitely using alcohol to mask my true feelings on the matter... nothing will get resolved that way.

    My best advice... DO YOU. Surround yourself with people who love & completely support you. Do hobbies that make you happy. Do something for yourself you have always wanted to do. And don't jump into anything new until you take the time you need for yourself, otherwise you will never heal properly and you will be setting that new relationship up for failure from the get go... in my opinion anyway. it's hard, no one likes to be alone, but I know it is what I need most right now. Feel free to message me anytime <3

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