Honesty time...

tachyon_master
tachyon_master Posts: 226 Member
in Motivation and Support
Just saying up front - I'm not proud of this. And I am starting to realise I have a problem.

So...Moment of honesty here.

I've basically been lying to the MFP weight log, my MFP friends and the MFP forums in general.

And sadly, most importantly, to myself.

I stopped officially logging my weight about 4-5 weeks ago because I was ashamed. Not because I'd put weight on, but because I kept losing it when I wanted to be on maintenance.

And I've let it get scarily low. The last time I officially weighed in on MFP I was 39.2kg. I weighed myself this morning and was only 35.1kg (and that was wearing full gym gear, shoes and all, so I really weigh about 34.5kg).

I need to own up to this and take responsibility for it. It isn't healthy and I feel like a total failure as a human being for letting things get this bad.

Before everyone jumps up and down and says "eating disorder"...Yes, the thought has crossed my mind. But medically speaking, there is literally nothing wrong with me. My family Dr has run every test under the sun to try and figure out what's still causing my weight loss. And aside from actually clearly being "underweight", there's not actually anything wrong with me physically. Psychologically, I'm beginning to wonder though :(

I'm not sure if this is a cry for help or whether it's just me feeling the need to own up to the fact I've been lying to myself and MFP for over a month. I just had to put it out there, such as it is. Maybe so others can realise that it's possible to let things go to your head and end up too far in the other direction with your weight loss if you're not careful.

Replies

  • ertrauma
    ertrauma Posts: 46 Member
    Hi, tachyon! Just wanted to give some input to your post. It is my belief that integrity in our society (as a whole) is not as high on the evolutionary priority list as it should be. Kudos to you for standing tall to admit a wrong. I've tried to live by my own "golden rule": Do the right thing. You did! You can make a positive from a negative, but don't let it become a head game in your own mind. If it isn't an eating disorder, pursue the other possibilities, then make the corrections, whatever they may be.
  • kindasortachewy
    kindasortachewy Posts: 1,084 Member
    This post shows bravery - I am sure you will work this out because this is the first step! :) Kudos for your courage
  • RedHeadMoo
    RedHeadMoo Posts: 11
    have you been tested for celiac?

    Malabsorption comes to mind.
  • tachyon_master
    tachyon_master Posts: 226 Member
    have you been tested for celiac?

    Malabsorption comes to mind.

    Yes. I have been tested for it. I have nothing more than a relatively mild gluten intolerance (and a somewhat more serious dairy intolerance) and do take that into account in my diet. I take daily high dose calcium supplements (Caltrate) to deal with the lack of dairy on doctors advice.
  • bostonwolf
    bostonwolf Posts: 3,038 Member
    I hope you get this sorted out as soon as you can, I would definitely track down an expert in eating disorders. Even if you don't think you have one they should be able to make an honest assessment.

    Good luck to you in this and feel free to add me if you need a supportive MFP buddy.
  • erinsueburns
    erinsueburns Posts: 865 Member
    Your diary is not available to see what you are eating, but I have a few gainers I am friends with. The biggest thing seems to be that people who are underweight or "hard gainers" really just don't eat that much, and don't eat much if at all of calorically sense foods. And if they do for one meal they mostly naturally alnce and eat much less for other meals.

    So I will give my standard gaining advice, measure out an ounce to three ounces in a bag and keep it in your pocket. And eat one or two nuts every time you think of it, reach for your pocket, etc.
  • Spindigo1
    Spindigo1 Posts: 123 Member
    Bravo! Thank you for your honesty!

    I also think you should seek some form of psychological evaluation. Eating disorders, depression, and anxiety can cause weight loss. Even if you are fine, it wouldn't hurt to check your head in the same way you've been checking the rest of your body.
  • Oishii
    Oishii Posts: 2,675 Member
    How much are you trying to eat? At 120lb I found my maintenance was 2450kcal plus exercise calories, which no calculator would ever have predicted. Maybe you just aren't eating enough yet...
  • michellechawner
    michellechawner Posts: 892
    Bravo! Thank you for your honesty!

    I also think you should seek some form of psychological evaluation. Eating disorders, depression, and anxiety can cause weight loss. Even if you are fine, it wouldn't hurt to check your head in the same way you've been checking the rest of your body.

    ^^This. Kudos for realizing you need to be honest, with yourself and all of us.

    Having had an eating disorder before, it doesn't hurt to get checked, and possibly see a nutritionist since you do have intolerances and see what you need to do to get back to healthy weight. In high school I weighed 96 the start of my senior year, and 6 years later I topped the scale at 167. Right now I'm a health 131, but I do worry about getting to my goal and thinking "just 5 more pounds", then reaching that and saying "oh, another 5 won't hurt". Having been on both sides, I know where you are coming from.

    Best of luck!
  • Sqeekyjojo
    Sqeekyjojo Posts: 704 Member
    Firstly, you need to go back to your doctor immediately. That is, as you know, very low.

    And, in the meantime, it's easier to drink calories than eat them. So perhaps you could introduce some smoothies or shakes that have higher calorific value - full fat milk, cream, peanut butter - anything that will help you increase your calories in a relatively small portion size.
  • Shawshankcan
    Shawshankcan Posts: 900 Member
    How tall are you?

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