Feeling insensitive and I need advice.

princesspea234
princesspea234 Posts: 182 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
My mother in law has been diagnosed with breast cancer. My husband and I of course want to spend as much time with his family as possible during this difficult time....which leaves me feeling insensitive cause.... it's ruining my diet. I know... I know...it's trivial. We go to restaurants where all they have is fried chicken or chicken fried steak or a 900 calorie sandwich or salad on the menu or we end up at their house where everything is take out and covered in sauces....Like bbq and potato salad and creamed corn.

I really don't want to waste calories on this food, but I feel obligated to not cause a fuss and eat with the family. It gives me major anxiety as these meals are not meals that I would have chosen even on my treat days. They just aren't my taste... I don't like pork or mayo. I'll eat cheese or pizza or filet mignon or even ice cream when I want a cheat day.

Should I just up my workouts on these days, not eat with the family or just know that I will not be losing weight on weeks where we eat with them?

Again, I know this is trivial when it comes to spending time with family... I just really don't want to have another 3000 calorie day. Breakfast to dessert. That's with me taking moderate amounts of everything and trying not to cause a fuss.

Replies

  • wilsoje74
    wilsoje74 Posts: 1,720 Member
    Well, how many days a week will you be there? All day for multiple days each week? If it truely is going to be you living there part time, I would bring my own food. If it is a day here and there I would try to do my best. Almost every restaurant has some healthy options. And if you are at there house, eat some of the bad stuff then bring your own ingredients for a salad or something.
  • dorothytd
    dorothytd Posts: 1,138 Member
    Since you are being supportive by visiting, can you also offer to cook or supply the meals on the days you are there? Seems like that would be a win-win - help your MIL and yourself. Hope she does well with treatment.
  • akp4Him
    akp4Him Posts: 227
    I would bring my own food. A salad, a protein bar, etc. After all...it is your health! Not eating their food doesn't mean that you don't care.
  • buffty
    buffty Posts: 83
    Your mother in law has breast cancer and your family is going through a difficult time, and you're worried about your diet? How about a little perspective? It's not like anyone is forcing you to go over your calorie intake for the day. You can order what you want in restaurants can't you?! You can choose to have small portions while eating at their house, no? Why not focus on what really matters here.
  • jamiem1102
    jamiem1102 Posts: 1,196 Member
    I understand the food that's already delivered, but restaurants are fairly easy to control. You can get a plain sandwich without any sauces on it with a side salad and no dressing, or a water based soup with a salad, or whatever. These days it isn't too difficult to work around restaurants. As for the at home meals, you could always just bring something from home or try to make something else.

    I think the biggest thing right now is not to make a big fuss. Part of the journey is knowing how to adapt... so... learn to adapt.
  • chelsifina
    chelsifina Posts: 346 Member
    As suggested by other posters, I don't believe that being supportive includes compromising your own health and weight loss goals. I have a very restrictive diet (for very specific health reasons) so there are many places where I cannot eat the food that is offered. My specific solution is that I have a food delivery service deliver pre-prepared meals to my home weekly and I the with me when I travel to see family. I pay close attention to the schedule of the day and eat before or after the restaurant visits. I go to the restaurant and order something small that I can eat, and I make a point not to make a big fuss about what I"m doing. Just a polite, " I can't eat what's offered here, but its important to me to be here with y'all." if asked.
    I suggest more planning on your part, bring your own convenience foods that are healthy, and do an internet search for local health food stores and restaurants where you might be able to get your own food. Keep an eye out for places like My Fit Foods or SnapKitchen for ready made healthy meals. Good luck!!!

    PS - Being aware of your own needs is NOT insensitive, its an important life skill necessary for your own self-care and health!!!!
  • totalsham
    totalsham Posts: 217 Member
    Since you are being supportive by visiting, can you also offer to cook or supply the meals on the days you are there? Seems like that would be a win-win - help your MIL and yourself. Hope she does well with treatment.

    truth!
  • ihateroses
    ihateroses Posts: 893 Member
    Control your portions and skip dessert. Definitely offer to cook.
  • TheNewLorrain
    TheNewLorrain Posts: 138 Member
    Perhaps you need to prepare your'e own foods to consume and not join the rest and eat what they are It doesn't mean you can't eat with them just not eat what they do. I have to do that and its just my kids and myself. I have a bbq family event next weekend and there will be all kinds of foods I won't be able to eat. I will arrive with foods that I can have all planned out. No going back for me I have worked too hard for those nine little pounds. Family should understand that you have to remain vigilant in your quest and respect that. You are worth staying on task and not sabotaging your'e hard work!
  • 5ftnFun
    5ftnFun Posts: 948 Member
    Are you staying with them, living with them or just visiting from a hotel? If you are actually staying with them for more than just a couple of days, I'd suggest hitting the grocery store and buying a few things. And maybe offering to prepare a meal or two. That might be very well appreciated. If all of this not possible or if you think that they may get offended or make them feel uncomfortable, I'd say to exercise portion control to the max. I mean, if they have a buffet spread of food, don't feel like you have to eat it all! Just do the best you can.
  • Rilke
    Rilke Posts: 1,201 Member
    I agree with offering to cook. Seems like a win for everyone involved. I hope your MIL responds well to treatments.
  • princesspea234
    princesspea234 Posts: 182 Member
    Your mother in law has breast cancer and your family is going through a difficult time, and you're worried about your diet? How about a little perspective? It's not like anyone is forcing you to go over your calorie intake for the day. You can order what you want in restaurants can't you?! You can choose to have small portions while eating at their house, no? Why not focus on what really matters here.

    I knew that there would be at least one here... I do understand the importance of being supportive for someone with breast cancer as my mom is a breast cancer survivor. She had breast cancer when I was in high school and then last year suffered a heart attack. Chemotherapy hasn't made her organs as strong as they should be.... she is not your stereotypical heart attack victim...she's tiny.

    That's why it's important for me to be as healthy as possible so that I can reduce my risk of breast cancer and heart attack.... Also with my diagnosis of PCOS, it is important for me to continue to watch my diet so that my husband and I can continue to try to have a baby/I will start feeling better.

    I guess the reason I'm worried about this is because I'm afraid I'll hurt people's feelings by bringing my own food or when I go to Tobey Keith's with them on Wednesday, I order a salad with no cornbread croutons, no tumble weed onions, no cheese and dressing on the side. That's the best way I can adapt that menu. I just don't want them to think I'm being judgey.
  • princesspea234
    princesspea234 Posts: 182 Member
    Are you staying with them, living with them or just visiting from a hotel? If you are actually staying with them for more than just a couple of days, I'd suggest hitting the grocery store and buying a few things. And maybe offering to prepare a meal or two. That might be very well appreciated. If all of this not possible or if you think that they may get offended or make them feel uncomfortable, I'd say to exercise portion control to the max. I mean, if they have a buffet spread of food, don't feel like you have to eat it all! Just do the best you can.

    Thanks so much! I'm hoping I will get some running in and maybe convince the hubby to go for a long walk after dinner.
  • Crochetluvr
    Crochetluvr Posts: 3,332 Member
    I, too, agree with offering to cook.

    And you don't have to go overboard when you are at a restaurant. Eating a part of the meal instead of all of it is fine...and take the rest to go and let someone ELSE eat it if you dont want it. There are ways around it. :)

    Best wishes to your MIL!
  • princesspea234
    princesspea234 Posts: 182 Member
    Thanks for all the supportive comments! It looks like I will be chopping veggies and bringing low calorie meals for myself (and maybe allowing myself a bite or two of the spread) And of course I will offer to cook! I make a mean faux fried chicken breast and brussel sprouts with turkey bacon, shallot and apple.... Hopefully, she will take me up on the offer!

    Regardless, I'm committing right now to at least burn 350 calories per day.
  • rachael42488
    rachael42488 Posts: 3 Member
    Honestly, your mother-in-law really shouldn't be eating the kinds of foods you described above in your initial post if she's had a breast cancer diagnosis and is receiving treatments, but I understand that when we don't physically feel well, we tend to gravitate towards the foods that comfort us. I think offering to cook is a wonderful idea that will accomplish several things. She'll be getting better nutrition for her condition, you'll feel better about what you're eating, and you'll be taking a load off of your in-laws by offering to do things like that for them. Good luck and I hope that your mother-in-laws treatment process is fast and uncomplicated!
  • buffty
    buffty Posts: 83
    I guess the reason I'm worried about this is because I'm afraid I'll hurt people's feelings by bringing my own food or when I go to Tobey Keith's with them on Wednesday, I order a salad with no cornbread croutons, no tumble weed onions, no cheese and dressing on the side. That's the best way I can adapt that menu. I just don't want them to think I'm being judgey.

    Why would you hurt people's feelings by eating what you need to eat?! Again, perspective. You're there supporting them through a difficult time, I really don't understand what your problem is. The last thing they'll care about at the moment is what you are or are not eating.

    As for your comment about 'I knew there would be at least one...' One what? One rational, reasonable thinking person to tell you that you can eat what you want to eat? OK then....
  • ecw3780
    ecw3780 Posts: 608 Member
    Your mother in law has breast cancer and your family is going through a difficult time, and you're worried about your diet? How about a little perspective? It's not like anyone is forcing you to go over your calorie intake for the day. You can order what you want in restaurants can't you?! You can choose to have small portions while eating at their house, no? Why not focus on what really matters here.

    How about you get a little perspective- caring for a loved one who is dealing with a serious illness can place a serious toll on your wellbeing. Not only does it create a ton of emotional stress, it can also age you because of all of the physical manifestations due to the stress. Have you every cared for someone on a day to day basis? Did you jump out of bed full of energy with a positive attitude every day. It is hard work, with little thanks, and frequently without a positive outcome. It is just as important for care givers to take care of themselves. This means eating well and getting plenty of rest. As for the OP's initial question, if there is a place for you to cook and you are willing to cook for a crowd, I would see if the rest of the family is open to the idea of a few home cooked meals. When my mom was in you situation, I found that she didn't really want the crappy food, she just didn't have the time or energy to cook full meals for just herself. By spending one evening making a bunch of food that was freezer friendly, I insured there were healthy options available that we just as easy as take out. You are not being insensitive by worrying about your diet.
  • bio01979
    bio01979 Posts: 313
    I agree that offering to help with cooking is good, and when you can't then have really really small portions, don't eat the skin on the fried chicken, don't add gravy etc. skip dessert

    lots of ways you can eat with them and still be in your calorie counts :)
  • Chuppy78
    Chuppy78 Posts: 1
    I agree with the offering to help with some shopping and cooking? Perhaps under the pretence of making extra meals to freeze when they won't have time to cook/shop during treatment?
  • herblackwings39
    herblackwings39 Posts: 3,930 Member
    My mother in law has been diagnosed with breast cancer. My husband and I of course want to spend as much time with his family as possible during this difficult time....which leaves me feeling insensitive cause.... it's ruining my diet. I know... I know...it's trivial. We go to restaurants where all they have is fried chicken or chicken fried steak or a 900 calorie sandwich or salad on the menu or we end up at their house where everything is take out and covered in sauces....Like bbq and potato salad and creamed corn.

    I really don't want to waste calories on this food, but I feel obligated to not cause a fuss and eat with the family. It gives me major anxiety as these meals are not meals that I would have chosen even on my treat days. They just aren't my taste... I don't like pork or mayo. I'll eat cheese or pizza or filet mignon or even ice cream when I want a cheat day.

    Should I just up my workouts on these days, not eat with the family or just know that I will not be losing weight on weeks where we eat with them?

    Again, I know this is trivial when it comes to spending time with family... I just really don't want to have another 3000 calorie day. Breakfast to dessert. That's with me taking moderate amounts of everything and trying not to cause a fuss.

    I like the idea of pre cooking meals. It will help your family when you're gone and while you're there you can help make healthier choices for everyone. Offer to cook or bring the things for salads and such that you'll enjoy and offer it to everyone. There's nothing wrong with letting them know you're making healthy changes for yourself and if they do have things you enjoy you can eat that as well.

    When you go out there is no reason you can't eat the way you want to. Have your salad without all the extras or get them on the side and use as much as you normally would. There's nothing Judgey about it unless you're staring at the others choices and making the judgey face (which I'm sure you're not).

    I hope things go well for your MIL though.
  • HollisGrant
    HollisGrant Posts: 2,022 Member
    My mother in law has been diagnosed with breast cancer. My husband and I of course want to spend as much time with his family as possible during this difficult time....which leaves me feeling insensitive cause.... it's ruining my diet. I know... I know...it's trivial. We go to restaurants where all they have is fried chicken or chicken fried steak or a 900 calorie sandwich or salad on the menu or we end up at their house where everything is take out and covered in sauces....Like bbq and potato salad and creamed corn.

    I really don't want to waste calories on this food, but I feel obligated to not cause a fuss and eat with the family. It gives me major anxiety as these meals are not meals that I would have chosen even on my treat days. They just aren't my taste... I don't like pork or mayo. I'll eat cheese or pizza or filet mignon or even ice cream when I want a cheat day.

    Should I just up my workouts on these days, not eat with the family or just know that I will not be losing weight on weeks where we eat with them?

    Again, I know this is trivial when it comes to spending time with family... I just really don't want to have another 3000 calorie day. Breakfast to dessert. That's with me taking moderate amounts of everything and trying not to cause a fuss.

    They are probably eating that way as comfort food because they are stressed out over her illness.

    Take some food with you or suggest another type of restaurant with a salad bar, which will offer healthier choices. Speak up in a kind friendly manner.

    That constant type of food isn't good for your mother in law, either. My late husband had cancer for 13 years. I believe drinking water, walking or other exercise and eating a good diet helps people's bodies deal better with cancer as well as most other illnesses.
  • CherylP67
    CherylP67 Posts: 772 Member
    Is anyone in the family a small eater? When I have social or family obligations at restaurants without a lot of healthy options, I split a meal with my daughter or a friend who's also a lighter eater. Life is full of delicious foods, and I wouldn't want to get an iceberg lettuce, cucumber, and tomato salad at Toby Keith's. if you're at a restaurant and nobody wants to share, find things on the menu that aren't slathered in sauce or deep fried. I like the turkey wrap at Toby Keith's.

    I agree about offering to cook.

    I think that you are being very sensitive, and I understand your need to take care of yourself during this time. I hope your MIL responds well to treatment.
  • madmiya
    madmiya Posts: 66 Member
    if you're doing what you can to be supportive of your husband and your family, then you are not insensitive. self care is the most important thing because how can you take care of others if you feel terrible yourself? make sure to get in those work outs (if they make you feel good) even if you have to wake up earlier. bring your own food or just resist temptation. most places have salads or fruit. drink lots of water and cut out any desserts or sugary beverages making sure that your "cheat" is the actual meal if you can't get anything healthier. buy a big bag of fruit and carry apples around with you. drink water and eat an apple first before a greasy meal. eat more at healthier ones!

    it's terrible. i hope your mil comes through and your family is okay. and good luck with your own health as well.
  • p1ppers
    p1ppers Posts: 40 Member
    It's a stressful time for everyone and when we get stressed, we eat. Maybe you could get a turkey, ham or roast and bake it as a main meat and then just add vegetables, fruit or salad to complete it. What you need most is to eat healthy when you can to keep up your energy and you can always use the roast or turkey for sandwiches or stir fry's later and fix ham in omelets for breakfast or with cheese/crackers as snack with apples/peanut butter, etc. Just think of ideas that will fill you up and keep you on track and the others will probably be appreciative. Even if you can't cook a big meal that will feed for days, you can always pick up a roasted chicken or cooked ham at the grocery store to just warm up. Lots of fruit and vegetables will be much better to have for a quick fix if you can chop up and have "ready to eat" in case you have to grab and go. And it's much cheaper to have large meals like this at home vs hitting the restaurants. Good luck and may God bless you all.
  • cmeade20
    cmeade20 Posts: 1,238 Member
    Your mother in law has breast cancer and your family is going through a difficult time, and you're worried about your diet? How about a little perspective? It's not like anyone is forcing you to go over your calorie intake for the day. You can order what you want in restaurants can't you?! You can choose to have small portions while eating at their house, no? Why not focus on what really matters here.

    I knew that there would be at least one here... I do understand the importance of being supportive for someone with breast cancer as my mom is a breast cancer survivor. She had breast cancer when I was in high school and then last year suffered a heart attack. Chemotherapy hasn't made her organs as strong as they should be.... she is not your stereotypical heart attack victim...she's tiny.

    That's why it's important for me to be as healthy as possible so that I can reduce my risk of breast cancer and heart attack.... Also with my diagnosis of PCOS, it is important for me to continue to watch my diet so that my husband and I can continue to try to have a baby/I will start feeling better.

    I guess the reason I'm worried about this is because I'm afraid I'll hurt people's feelings by bringing my own food or when I go to Tobey Keith's with them on Wednesday, I order a salad with no cornbread croutons, no tumble weed onions, no cheese and dressing on the side. That's the best way I can adapt that menu. I just don't want them to think I'm being judgey.

    If your mother in law appears perturbed and you are comfortable with it, maybe you could privately explain the PCOS & trying to conceive part of this. I highly doubt your stricter diet would bother her knowing it may bring her grandchildren.
  • dpollet2
    dpollet2 Posts: 68 Member
    I'll bet nobody would even notice if you brought your own food or ordered things on the side. If they did mention it, and you'd think they'd judge you for thinking about your diet at a time like this, I'd just say that you're having tummy issues. I know that when I'm under a lot of stress that I could not eat that kind of rich food.

    If you are out at a restaurant don't be shy about ordering sauces on the side or grilled options. I honestly don't think people care or are paying as much attention as you think they are.
  • Lyadeia
    Lyadeia Posts: 4,603 Member
    I guess the reason I'm worried about this is because I'm afraid I'll hurt people's feelings by bringing my own food or when I go to Tobey Keith's with them on Wednesday, I order a salad with no cornbread croutons, no tumble weed onions, no cheese and dressing on the side. That's the best way I can adapt that menu. I just don't want them to think I'm being judgey.

    Why would you hurt people's feelings by eating what you need to eat?! Again, perspective. You're there supporting them through a difficult time, I really don't understand what your problem is. The last thing they'll care about at the moment is what you are or are not eating.

    As for your comment about 'I knew there would be at least one...' One what? One rational, reasonable thinking person to tell you that you can eat what you want to eat? OK then....

    I think she meant more along the lines of at least one person telling her that her problems don't matter compared to the others, therefore it's not OK to be concerned with yourself at this time.

    May not have been what you meant, but it certainly came across that way.
  • Lyadeia
    Lyadeia Posts: 4,603 Member
    Your mother in law has breast cancer and your family is going through a difficult time, and you're worried about your diet? How about a little perspective? It's not like anyone is forcing you to go over your calorie intake for the day. You can order what you want in restaurants can't you?! You can choose to have small portions while eating at their house, no? Why not focus on what really matters here.

    How about you get a little perspective- caring for a loved one who is dealing with a serious illness can place a serious toll on your wellbeing. Not only does it create a ton of emotional stress, it can also age you because of all of the physical manifestations due to the stress. Have you every cared for someone on a day to day basis? Did you jump out of bed full of energy with a positive attitude every day. It is hard work, with little thanks, and frequently without a positive outcome. It is just as important for care givers to take care of themselves. This means eating well and getting plenty of rest. As for the OP's initial question, if there is a place for you to cook and you are willing to cook for a crowd, I would see if the rest of the family is open to the idea of a few home cooked meals. When my mom was in you situation, I found that she didn't really want the crappy food, she just didn't have the time or energy to cook full meals for just herself. By spending one evening making a bunch of food that was freezer friendly, I insured there were healthy options available that we just as easy as take out. You are not being insensitive by worrying about your diet.

    I agree with all of this.

    I have seen first hand how a caretaker's health can go really bad when all they do is use that "perspective" to worry about the other person and not themselves. It doesn't take long, either...

    OP, take care of yourself. There is nothing at all wrong with bringing your own food, cooking for the others, etc. during this difficult time. If they can't understand why you would want to do that, they perhaps THEY need this "perspective" that the other poster keeps bringing up. We all have problems and issues to deal with, no matter how small they may seem compared to others, but that doesn't mean they should be brushed aside. When you are taking care of yourself and making yourself healthy (and thus making you feel better about yourself and better able to help out more) you will be a much better help to anyone who needs it during this difficult time.

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