Inspiration

It has taken me about 5 years to gain 100 or so pounds and then I spent the next 5 years maintaining that weight. Which wasn't a good thing. I went from an already overweight 180 pound person to an 286 pound obese person. I was no longer who I thought I was. Who did I think I was anyway?

Back then, I was a survivor. And I ate my way to survival...all the way to 180 pounds. I removed myself from the toxic environment, met my now husband and told myself I would never weigh over 200. Who was I kidding? I didn't even know what being healthy meant. All I knew how to do was get from one day to the next without killing myself...which involved eating and then eating some more until all of the painful feelings went away.

During the 5 years of maintaining my obese self I spent my time trying to convince my somewhat overweight husband that we needed to get healthy. In which time, I was unconvincing. But who was I really trying to convince, him or me? My days were filled with thoughts of worry over our state of health and how if I could just take the first steps, eat healthy and get active that I could become the person I've always wanted to be. Who was that person anyway? I didn't know. I've never known. I was paralized. If my husband wouldn't do it with me then I couldn't do it for myself. What a horrible way to think. But I did.

And then one day I became pregnant...by choice. The pregnancy went fine until the 3rd trimester when I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. Why didn't I see that coming? Smirk. I had to follow a diabetic diet and inject myself with insulin. Suddenly there came this great and powerful need to keep myself healthy so that my baby could have a fighting chance in this world. I did everything I was supposed to do. I ate what I was supposed to eat, exercised and injected myself with insulin. Despite all of this, the doctors reminded me constantly that my baby would probably be quite large due to the gestational diabetes. About the last month of my pregnancy I kept maintaining low levels of amniotic fluid and the doctors decided to give me a c-section 3 weeks early. They said the low levels of fluid was not a stable environment for my daughter.

My daughter was born on December 8, 2008 weighing 5 lbs 9oz. She was healthy except for a little jaundice. She was beautiful. She was amazing and so much more. This teeny tiny, little bundle of joy gave my life meaning in so many ways. She was my reason for everything.

Fast forward a year and a half (about 2 weeks ago) and 10 pounds heavier. My daughter is an energetic, smart, healthy, beautiful and always on the go 20 month old. I cannot keep up with her. My body aches constantly and I have no energy. I feel like a horrible person because I am my daughters role model. I am who she is going to look up to always and forever. And I felt my current health was not good enough for her to look up to. I wanted so much more for her then what I gave myself. It was time.

I decided that I was going to be my own inspiration, my husbands inspiration. If he wasn't going to face this battle with me then I would have to do it on my own. I thought maybe, just maybe if I could actually lose the weight and eat right that my husband would follow. I dream that he will see how healthy I have become and want to feel as good as I do.

So here I am. About two weeks ago a friend introduced me to MFP. Two weeks ago is when I started this journey. It feels right. It feels like breathing. I am eating better and becoming so much more active. I am keeping track of everything on this site. This site is keeping me accountable and it is helping me save my life. I have lost 5 1/2 pounds so far. I actually look forward to getting up everyday and seeing what good I can do for me, for my future, and for my family. I am starting to see the person I want to be.