Kids and Dating

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nray3119
nray3119 Posts: 100 Member
in Chit-Chat
How much of a say do you let your kids have in your dating life? (Past of Present). Not sure what to think right now. I have 2 kids and my possible ex boyfriend has 3. We moved in together a little over 2 months ago but yesterday his kids went to their counselor (due to his divorce 4 years ago) and she let him know that the living arrangements were not working for his kids and so we had to move out last night. I guess my boys are a bit rough (2 and 6 yrs old) and his kids (6, 8 and 13) were not happy living with them. We were asked to leave so that his kids could get back to a normal life.
I am not sure what to think of this.

Replies

  • JenAndSome
    JenAndSome Posts: 1,893 Member
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    How much time did the kids spend together prior to your moving in together? His kids were already in counseling for a divorce that happened 4 years ago. It sounds like they don't adjust to change well and that should have been taken into consideration beforehand. If it comes to their mental well-being obviously that is extremely important. That does not mean that you and your boyfriend have to break up. You do not have to live together right now. Just take a step back and find a way to make it work. That is unless he has decided to not be with you at all. In that case, pick up the pieces and move on.
  • Some_Watery_Tart
    Some_Watery_Tart Posts: 2,250 Member
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    The counselor and kids didn't make that decision. Your boyfriend did. Without knowing what you mean by "a bit rough", I have no idea what to tell you other than maybe you should consider re-evaluating your expectations for your boys' behavior.

    The kids' happiness is very important in dating--and it's vital when you live together. His kids' emotional health in the relationship is equally important to yours and your kids'. Everyone in that house is entitled to feel safe and nurtured. Not just the adults.

    If you think you want to continue the relationship, you both should get a book on blended families and read it together. Maybe get a couple of them. It's way more complicated than people think!
  • nray3119
    nray3119 Posts: 100 Member
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    About a year. They spent every other weekend together and a lot of time during the week. I am not sure where we go from here. I don't know if he wants to stay together or not and I don't know if I even want to be with someone who makes decisions so quickly without any thought to my kids feelings. They just lost a whole family over night and have no idea why.
  • Some_Watery_Tart
    Some_Watery_Tart Posts: 2,250 Member
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    They just lost a whole family over night and have no idea why.

    ^^This is why I, personally, chose to wait to move in with my husband until we were married. I realize that's not for everyone, but we did it because we wanted our kids to see that we were making a strong commitment to being a family.

    We were together 2 1/2 years first and took many long trips together (camping, visiting family, etc). We also made sure they spent LOTS of time together. We read books on blended families. We talked to a counselor. We talked to our exes (to see if the kids were telling them anything we should know). We talked to our kids separately and all together. We waited until everyone was on board. Moving in together is a HUGE move. People told us we were making way to big a production out of it, but it was completely worth it. The kids took to the living together thing better than the grown ups! :laugh:

    I'm sorry to hear your boys feel that way. This stuff is so hard for kids. :brokenheart:
  • Some_Watery_Tart
    Some_Watery_Tart Posts: 2,250 Member
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    And, by the way, unless there was something really serious going on among the kids, I don't see why you had to move out in less than 24 hours. That seems harsh.
  • Akimajuktuq
    Akimajuktuq Posts: 3,037 Member
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    Until my child is an adult, she has EVERY say. Basically, I don't agree that I should have a dating life with a young child; raising and protecting my child comes first. If I were to meet someone, I would spend a very long time dating (years) before I would even think about moving a man into my house. Check out the stats on child abuse; step parents are a higher risk than biological parents. I can speak from experience on that. When I chose to become a parent, I put my own needs aside.

    OP: I am not making any judgement on your situation. I do not know you or the circumstances. The above is just my opinion about my own life.
  • tiffnkailey
    tiffnkailey Posts: 150 Member
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    Dating when you have kids is super hard. After my divorce, my daughter started going to a therapist. The therapist told me not to introduce my daughter to him, until we had dated for four months.
    Well I decided to stop dating, to just work on myself. So it's been about a year and half since I had a boyfriend. My daughter is no longer in counseling, but she is very protective of me around guys. Once I was sitting at a table talking to a guy, and she climbed in between us, and sat there. lol. Granted we had been talking for an hour. My daughter says she doesn't want me dating. Maybe i'll start dating when shes 18? lol. jk. Really my problem was just I was attracting jerks. I just cant seem to attract the nice guys.

    But as far as your post, kids will have issues with each other. Haven't you seen all those movies where the kids try to break up their parents? If it is a healthy relationship, and the kids are just being bratty, then you should go with your heart. But if its not healthy, then you should re evauate the relationship.
  • Chulada23
    Chulada23 Posts: 32 Member
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    I'm happy that his children had an outlet which in this case was in the form of counseling, unfortunately this could be happening in families all over and unless they are very vocal no one would ever know. I'm sorry that the effect of that was the decision you had to move, however maybe the decision was a little drastic and fast. I think maybe family counseling would have been more practical.
  • Cameron_1969
    Cameron_1969 Posts: 2,857 Member
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    I've mostly given up dating for this very reason. I don't want to complicate his and my life any more than it already is.
  • mrsjones2point0
    mrsjones2point0 Posts: 332 Member
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    I woud have a huge problem continuing a relationship with someone who made such a huge decision so quickly, and without even discussing it with you. He forced you to uproot your children, and didn't consider them at all in this. He should have made an appointment with his kids counsellor for you and him alone, so that the two of you could work WITH the counsellor for a solution for everybody. This was totally unfair to your children, and surely there must have been a compromise.

    How miserable wre his kids that neither of you saw this coming? We they in immediate danger, or just simply unhappy? There is always an adjustment period, I can't believe the counsellor wouldn't help them work through the adjustment instead of just declaring that they shouldn't have to adjust.
  • MightyDomo
    MightyDomo Posts: 1,265 Member
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    Kids that have been through their parents divorce definitely need time to adjust and need it in doses. It should have been discussed with the kids in therapy before you and your kids even moved in.

    My stance is that everyone takes time to get to know each other, then discuss the changes that you wish to make (blending two families into one household) and see where the kids are to make sure that they don't feel threatened by the change or additions into the home. I think that would have been the best step if you hadn't already done it that way. But breaking up over this seems odd... I'd think there would be more to it than that if he broke up with you and might just be using it as an excuse, to be very honest.

    I think a good talk is in order.

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